The Cowboy’s Prayer

Tonight I was reminded of a framed print a former boss gave to me that is still in storage -

(I like to live somewhere for at least 3 years before actually hanging art on the walls)

I’m not a big fan of organized religion – I’ve seen too many people get hurt when they put their faith in another’s description of how the Universe works – But tonight, I was thinking of my former boss who resigned his job to care for his wife when she was diagnosed with M.S. – – the boss who didn’t tell anyone until his last day — the boss who drove up to the new job I had started when he was unable to talk me into staying and playing the politics game – -

The boss that brought in the picture and said, “I want you to have this, because you always read it whenever you came to my office and had to wait.”

I don’t know where he is or what he is doing now – It’s been nearly 20 years since last I saw him – I still do not know why I was given such a beautiful piece of art – but I think of it often and always wonder just what I did to deserve such a gift

We often impact others in profound ways that we are unaware of – And I guess, tonight, I’m thinking of the folks who have made such a difference in my life and wonder, do they know?  Would they be surprised if I drove for an hour to give them a picture I owned,  that they had admired?

**********

The Cowboy’s Prayer

Oh Lord, I’ve never lived where churches grow.
I love creation better as it stood
That day You finished it so long ago
And looked upon Your work and called it good.

I know that others find You in the light
That’s sifted down through tinted window panes,
And yet I seem to feel You near tonight
In this dim, quiet starlight on the plains.

I thank You, Lord, that I am placed so well,
That You have made my freedom so complete;
That I’m no slave of whistle, clock or bell,
Nor weak-eyed prisoner of wall and street.

Just let me live my life as I’ve begun
And give me work that’s open to the sky;
Make me a pardner of the wind and sun,
And I won’t ask a life that’s soft or high.

Let me be easy on the man that’s down;
Let me be square and generous with all.
I’m careless sometimes, Lord, when I’m in town,
But never let ‘em say I’m mean or small!

Make me as big and open as the plains,
As honest as the hawse between my knees,
Clean as the wind that blows behind the rains,
Free as the hawk that circles down the breeze!

Forgive me, Lord, if sometimes I forget.
You know about the reasons that are hid.
You understand the things that gall and fret;
You know me better than my mother did.

Just keep an eye on all that’s done and said
And right me, sometimes, when I turn aside,
And guide me on the long, dim, trail ahead
That stretches upward toward the Great Divide.

-Badger Clark

Thanks – But No Thanks

It appears that suddenly, there is a dearth of single women where I live – – because, all the sudden, there are several folks who think it appropriate to come to where I work and ask me out – – -

I know!   Seriously, if they knew me half as well as you do, they’d run for the hills before asking me that – but alas, they do not….

My boss at my two-hour a day job has offered to be the Knight in Shining Armor to block me, the fainting princess, from such vicious onslaughts -

I, the Princess Who Hunts, have declined – they are just lonely – – we here are a community gathering place – we serve those who are feeling lonely and disenfranchised -

It’s Okay -

I can handle it – -

***********

But I’m starting to think, maybe I can’t -

Here’s my answers over the past week in response to queries – let me know if I’m not being clear enough…

(I think I am, but we all know how good we are at lying to ourselves – – )

“So, are you single?”

“Yes, I’m divorced.”

“Are you dating?”

“Good Lord, Are you KIDDING?!?  Couldn’t get me back out in that game for a million bucks.”

“I started dating again and I managed to find the most dysfunctional souls on the planet my first 3 dates.”

“Well – good luck with that – I admire your optimism and moxie – I wouldn’t even try.”

“So, you want to go out to dinner?”

“Did you not just hear what I said?  I’m not interested in dating…”

“Why Not?”

“Because…

  • My ex hurt me so bad, I’ll make any other man pay for his mistakes ad nauseum until I figure out how to forgive him – why purposely do that to someone else?
  • At this moment, given my experience, I can be lonely, broke and stressed out all by myself, don’t need to be in a relationship for that, so why bother?
  • I’m in a bitter and resentful place in my life over the hand I’ve been dealt and I’d LOVE, just LOVE, to take it all out on someone else instead of suppressing my feelings and being a ‘good person’ by not instantly killing the next person who screws me over
  • Right now, Prince Charming could walk through the door and I could come up with a million reasons why he’s a fraud …..”

“Oh, c’mon, it can’t be that bad….”

“I Just Told You It IS that bad – – Are you listening!?! ARGGHHHHH!”

And then there is the guy that’s looking for a good mom for his 5 children – can I help that his youngest is the cutest thing in the world and I love her to death?  Do Men not understand that I’m all for KIDS and not the personages that actually help bring the Kids into being? (Unfortunately, for me, the other kids are teeny-boppers – another of my favorites – if only you could have kids without the male involvement – yes! I know you can, just saying….)

(That’s how I ended up married the first time – I loved his kids and they decided I was okay – little did I know that loving another’s kids doesn’t mean they’ll appreciate you or think they should somehow be grateful that you love their kids more than you love them….funny how few people put the well-being of their kids first….)

************

I’ve started to believe that people are so very rarely point-blank honest, that folks don’t realize the truth when it’s thrown in their face – -

I’d rather believe, because I’m in a not-so-nice-place regarding my thoughts on men –  the male of the species is so handicapped by his own obliviousness, that he can’t fathom the truth when hit between the eyes with it – – -

Regardless of what is going on, I’ve been thrust, against my will, back into the world of flirting and and all this other hogwash,  when it’s the last thing in the world I want to deal with – -

C’mon guys – give me some pointers – I try to be kind without being flirtatious – I’m happy to visit about subjects I’m interested in, but that doesn’t mean I’m looking for a date, boyfriend or husband – – I understand lonely- I’m just not willing to rush headlong into another mistake to keep myself entertained for a second or two….sorry guys, sure that was an ouch – I know it is possible to last for 8 seconds or longer – I’ve been to the rodeo – :)

I do not believe it to be a kind thing to just ignore someone – but I’m getting ready to do so – -

My last ditch efforts to try to be clear as to my intent are as follows:

“I think I made it pretty clear last week I’m not interested – but you keep coming back asking – in that case, I need a cat to kick to rid me of my anger – – since I don’t own a cat, you will do just as well – – you sure you want to sign up for that? Are you a glutton for punishment?” – This statement is greeted with a laugh -

And today,

“No, you’re right, I no longer smile or laugh or chat with you – I’ve tried to be honest and you’re not listening – -I’ve made it clear I’m not interested and you keep pursuing – in order to not give you false signals, I’ve decided to not be as friendly, because, honestly, I’ve been as mean as I can and you still keep trying when I’ve made it clear I don’t wish for you to.  What is it going to take for you to believe what I’m telling you? “

And Mr.-I’m-Sure-I’m-Lovable just laughs and leaves the place I work with a promise to come back – – Seriously, this guy pretends to speak English, but I’m sure, by now, he is faking it…

I’ve thought about saying the following:

“I’d love to know that someone loves me for who I am – who understands my coping mechanisms and is gentle with my shell-shocked personality – since you obviously have not heard how gun shy I am, I’m convinced you haven’t taken time to listen to the part of me I’ve shared with you – because if you did care AND did listen, you wouldn’t continue engaging in this behavior – “

And, that’s the crux of the matter – both of my marriages ended because of the “If you loved me, you wouldn’t….”

Drop kick me across the living room ….

Gamble away our home….

Etc., etc.,

I’m baring my soul here – just as I have to any man who has indicated an interest in taking me to dinner – I’m damaged goods – I’m hurt and am still hurting and still wondering what I did or why I sign up for this kind of punishment  – and until I figure out how to be healthy and ready for a fresh start and clean slate, I’m not willing to take another soul on board my Crazy Train – – it really is in their own best interest, but do I get credit for “Know Thyself?”

Nope….

So, Here’s the poll, and please, guys, if it sounds like I need to speak Martian instead of Venutian, please leave in comments what I can say to ensure my message is being heard and understood (anyone whose comment includes “baseball bat” or “.357″ gets extra points, as long as you don’t testify at my trial….   LOL)

……….

Okay then, tried adding a Poll and the screen goes dark and doesn’t let a single thing work – does my theme need an upgrade?

Ah well – Here’s your choices and feel free to comment on your chosen #:

1. I think it’s clear what you said – Is the guy deaf or an idiot?

2. By continuing to engage in conversation, he thinks it’s a fun game of “Playing Hard to Get” – Your own fault – Be More Hateful

3. Really? You’re complaining about potential dates just showing up at your workplace, with no need to pay eHarmony? What are you griping about?

4. What a b1&^h! Cut the poor lonely guy some slack

5. Shoot him next time he walks in – he’ll figure that out!

6. Please Seek counseling instead of ranting on your blog….

 

:)

 

Party at My House – Get Ready to Dance

A month of Accidents -

(Plans other people make and don’t tell you about)

Poor Planning -

(I did your proposal in April – you want it in how many days, now that it’s September?)

Broken Heart

(Oh, didn’t realize I wasn’t quite ready for that news…)

has all resulted in Party at My House!

You’re Invited -

The evening starts with a red wine – not too sweet, cuz I don’t want a sugar headache – then, we must simply put on some uplifting tunes to dance and/or sing to -

In case you can’t be here in person, I’ve recreated the evening of “Quick Fixes For:_____), just for you – It’s best to start one video, stand up and shake your arse off while singing at the top of your lungs – whether you think you sound good or not – then wipe the sweat from your brow, take a swig of your beverage of choice, start the next video and let loose again…

(Forewarnings – Your singing and gyrating may frighten your dog, but once they understand you haven’t come unhinged, they will dance around the room with you.  I did my best to find you the songs w/lyrics, cuz what’s music without the story to go behind it? but couldn’t find ‘em all  AND the last video has some graphic scenes, but if you keep in contact with the world at all, you already know this is going on….)

When Life Throws You Curves – Be sure to not hesitate on the Sh -

And You Need to Dust Yourself Off and Try Again -

And You’re haunted by the Demons of Yesterday – those dreams you let go or the actions you regret -

But You’re Thinking about following your own star, no matter who says What -

And thinking you need to just go with the flow – -record this to later play in car when you can actually do the hand wave out the car window - -

Even though, you remember how good it used to be – – and even laugh when you remember parachute pants – -

And when the weekend actually meant fun, instead of work – – even if you dressed funky and disco was trying to take over – -

But you realize you need to get back into your groove, go kick some arse and take some names – -and your Dad thought pretty-boys were worthless, too….

And you need powerful music to get you revved up – -best to stride around conducting a philharmonic orchestra for this one - -

And after all this singing and dancing and conducting the invisible orchestra in your living room, you realize there’s still just one song you want played at your funeral, as a message to those who outlive you – -

Thank you for coming to my party – I feel much better – how about you?

King Midget – I’d better hear about you tearing a tendon while dancing or singing yourself hoarse – – :)

Why Writers Rarely Prosper

I’m on break -

From those activities  that  earn a living today -

Dragged kicking and screaming back to Facebook,

Because a customer wanted a page maintained by me,

I do what is necessary, and log out -

And over to  WordPress -

To see what I’ve missed,

As I’ve still not recovered from the shock of a new phone,

And have yet to install the WP App -

What if someone was nice and visited?

Once here,

Do I catch up on my friend’s doings?

No – -

I clicked to view an old post,

To reply sensibly to a recent comment because -

Just what, pray tell, did I think and say, back then?

Has my perspective changed?

Has knowledge then, been refuted now?

No – I can reply easily – it was just my opinion -

And from that old post, duty done, I clicked back through my own related posts -

For two seconds, I’m going to see if what I wrote then has any meaning now -

And relive my recent life through my words -

Time travel, you could say -

The me from a year ago,

3 months ago,

3 years ago

I find myself nostalgic for the days when I woke up

And safely nestled in my jammies -

Seated myself in front of my screen -

And strung words together for hours at a time – -

When manuscripts were dutifully organized and revised and saved -

Characters renamed, because really, Ureenia is so close to Urine…

The time when the secret treasure of words, if  held on long enough,

Would turn to gold.

I ache to earn my living from writing, instead of that which I do now -

So much easier!

So much more in tune with who I am…

And yet,

The voice within whispers, “It’s not ready yet…”

And I close my Scrivener window,

Arguing with myself -

Will I ever heal enough to publish this?

Will  my masterpiece ever be pronounced, “Finished”?

And dutifully, I open my time tracker,

To tick-tock while I write content for someone else’s website that goes live next week,

And wonder -

When? When will my heart’s desire be good enough to bill for next week?

:)

AGHHH!

What a busy week! No wait, a busy month! No wait…when was the last time I didn’t feel overloaded?    Ahhh, yes, back when I prayed for work – – – Haven’t forgotten my duties to finish the Trip to Southwestern Colorado post marathon – but life has intervened and just needed some down time for a minute tonight before plowing back into work – – Did the following to keep myself in good humour AND now you know why I’ve also crossed “Graphic Artist Extraordinaire” off my list  – but the quote is mine, all mine!   LOL

I'm not outta shape - I'm just so far behind my butt is in front of me

Signs #…. I’ve Lost Count

I’ve written about ‘signs’ many times before – the funny thing is, a ‘sign’ was sent to me via my mom – who is not a big believer in signs – She’s often thought I have a bad week because I expect one to go with the full moon – I’ve just as often told her that’s simply not true – what actually happens, is…

I go through a few days that are so whackadoo, I finally look at the calendar, slap my forehead and exclaim with gusto:

“But of course!  It all makes sense now! It’s the full moon and all I have to do is wait for it to pass”

“Waiting for it to pass” is my favorite way of dealing with things & people I have no control over….

This past week has been like a full moon on steroids – really, the past month – I came home from vacation to news of another’s choice which once again has blindsided me, confused me and left me feeling bereft and… well… flapping in the wind once more -

And I’ve spent a lot of time trying to answer “Why?” – Why would they do the things they do in the manner they do?  Why do I allow their picadilloes to affect me so much?

Oh…I was going to tell you about “The Sign”….

**********

Mom stops by after running her errands – I have a load of wash to hang-up and she joins me at the clothes line.  We visit and share news and just as we’re finishing up, she says,

“You know those signs you look up?   What does Hawk mean?”

“I don’t know – I don’t have them memorized – we’ll look it up when we go in.  Why are you asking?”

“This morning, there was a huge Hawk sitting on my wood stack – you know, the one I can see from my east window.  He was magnificent.  I wanted to take a picture, but figured he’d either be gone by the time I got my camera or the glare from the sun on the window would ruin the picture.  But maybe I don’t want to know what it means – what if it’s something bad?”

“I tell you, it’s never bad – – You could sit down and read that book clean through and it has good advice on how to deal with things – and sometimes, non of it makes sense until later, when you’ve had some time to see how things unfold and realize the upheaval had to happen in order for the other pieces to fall in place.”

Yes – I’m a hypocrite – I often forget my own advice – -

The wash hung on the line, we go into the house where I find my Animal Spirit Guides by Dr. Steven Farmer, look up Hawk and start reading…..

***********

As I read the portion titled, “If HAWK shows up, it means:” I realize I’m not seeing any message  for mom, but it sure rings true for me…

Then, I press on to the portion titled, “Call on HAWK when:”

  • You’ve been caught up in an emotional turmoil and have lost your perspective
  • Your plans haven’t gone as you’d expected , they’re taking a lot of twists and turns, and you’re having difficulty accepting this.
  • You’re in the midst of an intense project that requires vigilance and focus for extended periods of time.
  • You’re being harshly criticized or psychically assaulted and need to defend yourself.
  • You’re feeling depressed and rather helpless and want to lift your spirits.
  • There are distinct messages from your environment and you want to discern their meaning.

I quit reading…  Looked at mom and said, “I don’t think the message was for you – I think it was for me.” and the goosebumps lit up my entire body (which in case I haven’t mentioned, goosebumps are my never-fail, inner-truth, detection device )

“Don’t you see how perfect this is?  I’ve struggled for weeks – I’m busy trying to get all these websites done and just why would the Universe trap that beautiful Hawk in my messy house, so I could see it?  Isn’t it easier to send Hawk to you, to bring the message to me?

I’m certain it’s true, because if someone had told me yesterday you would ask me, “What does this sign mean?” I would have laughed and told them you’d never ask that in a million years, because you don’t believe in them.

But perhaps, you do…now…”

:)

I dove back into work with a greater measure of peace – – I’ve Focused on the tasks at hand and let the emotional hurt and anger go play somewhere else than right in front of me – complacent in my certainty Brother Hawk will take care of what I know-not-what-to-do-with.

This morning,  here I sit, taking a short break from website work to share with you, the Card I placed in front of my desk – so I can see it every time I look up….

Oops!  Eliminate Distractions - Back to work I go - Happy Labor Day!

Oops! Eliminate Distractions – Back to work I go – Happy Labor Day!

Colorado Trip – Day 3 – Train Trip Back – Evening

We boarded the train for the trip back with our little white paper sack full of fudge samples (samples graciously cut by a friendly gal who teased us about how much of a taste we were actually going to get of each one….)

We pulled out of the station – on our way ‘home’ now…

traininSilverton

 

LeavingSilverton

Our trip back was not as chock full of non-stop narration as the trip up – apparently, the reason you are informed to buy fudge is the sugar/caffeine helps to keep you awake on the train ride home.  Our Historic Guide for the trip home was Otto Mears – orphan, immigrant, entrepreneur, toll road and railroad baron extraordinaire – while I immensely enjoyed our trip home, it was less about our guide standing at the front of the train filling your brain with more facts than you may ever recall and more about one-on-one visits with passengers, as he walked up and down the aisle to visit, enquire, enlighten – – And he admitted to being pleased so many passengers hadn’t nodded off to a nap yet, when we were half-way back to Durango…  :)

 

Otto Mears

Otto Mears

Because we sat on the same side of the train as we did coming up, there were some different views to snap pics of, in between visiting with Otto about his character, his real life and the fact that Otto’s original home is for sale, right now, in Silverton, but probably out of my price range, since the previous owner restored it and built an observatory in the back which he allows local students to tour/use…. :)  Also, interesting fact – the man who plays Otto Mears 100 years later, has a life filled with places lived, careers followed that eerily follow the steps of the orignial Otto Mears – and, when asked to participate in a Heritage walk of the Hillside Cemetery, celebrating Otto Mears, held on the anniversary of Otto Mears signing up for military duty nearly eight decades later, our guide was glad to say yes – he thought it a fitting way to spend his birthday…

The serendipity of the Universe never fails to amaze me  – -

On to the pictures – first up, the rock slide as result of ages of avalanches/mud slides that holds the rusted remains of one red and one orange car that failed to keep to the corner while traversing the Million Dollar Highway outside of Silverton – because I didn’t zoom in like I should have, I put yellow arrows in for you to see – the actual roadway they went off of is located far, far up in the right hand corner – or maybe, I didn’t even capture the actual roadway – – :)

cars

Next up, a calmer view of the Animas and a beautiful, historic bridge -

ViewfromtheOtherSide

river5

bridge

And last, but by no means least, a picture that doesn’t do justice to Santa’s reindeer that live year round here, because the Durango-Silverton runs the Polar Express during the holiday season, don’t ya know – – :)   The winter runs do not go all the way to Silverton, but still, you get to see the route in all it’s white splendor!

The picture I took of the reindeer zoomed in,  was blurred as we were picking up speed – so look at the upper right corner of this one for a glimpse of Santa’s Helpers!

reindeer

 

Back in Durango

Somewhere along the trip home, Mom and I decided we were so well fed today, maybe all we needed was a small bite before retiring for the day – – the Diamond Belle Saloon has a wonderful Spinach-Artichoke dip, accompanied by a  local band that has been playing country and blues there for over 26 years – so we returned to the Diamond Belle, ate, drank and let the music of the greats wash over us – – -

Returning to our comfy room, we double-checked next day’s itinerary and planned on what time to leave for the place I’ve spent nearly 30 years trying to get to  -

Mesa Verde – -