The Morgan Docterman Free Spirit Award

For the past three years, I have attended the Woodland Park High School Awards Assembly each May.

In 2008, I attended because my son, Morgan, was a senior.

In 2009 and 2010, I attended because I was awarding his memorial scholarship to a graduating senior.

You see, Morgan died from bacterial meningitis 10 days after he graduated.   He never went to college.

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Morgan spent 5 years telling me he didn’t care about his grades, because he didn’t want to go to college.   I wasn’t worried one whit about his intelligence, productivity or ability to contribute to society.  But I did know his view and mine did not fit in with the culture we inhabited.   I figured it was my job to make sure his current choices didn’t ruin his future opportunities – in short, I told him to try to find a way to work within the system even as he yearned to change it.

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Now, each year, I sit for an hour or so, listening to what our country’s future leaders are told is important and what they are rewarded for.

I hear inspirational speeches from military representatives, knowing that those who join may not live long enough to take advantage of their earned educational benefits.

I listen to who did well at the Stock Market game – (I consider playing the Stock Market akin to playing penny slots, just more expensive, with less honesty and entertainment value…)

And then it’s my turn at the podium.

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In the aftermath of higher education, making money and serving your community speeches, I get up and tell everyone who is willing to listen that I don’t care what your grade point average is.

I do care what your passions and talents are.

I don’t care if you spend the award money on tuition, books or a van to cart your drum set to the next gig in.

I do care if you have a dream that needs funds and there are no scholarships available for what you deem important.

I urge the graduating class to question the status quo, never give up on their dreams and break the rules even while attempting to follow them.

I inform the school, the community and a bunch of teenagers that I think their individuality, dreams and passions are more important than what their ACT score is.

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I imagine there is widespread relief when I shut up and sit down.

I also think there are a few disappointed seniors, who did everything their teachers, parents, school counselors and society in general have told them ensures success – and I just informed them their transcripts, letters of recommendation and the need for eight years of education to do what they want to do, doesn’t  cut any ice with me and won’t win them Morgan’s award.

To my mind, those kids have a wealth of resources available to compete for.

The girl who wants to visit Japan and write about it, doesn’t.

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So today, when I watched the RSAnimate clip of Sir Ken Robinson’s lecture, “Changing Education Paradigms”, I was heartened.   Someone else feels the same way.  Given it’s popularity on the net, there are several someones out there.

And now I have a beautiful and entertaining way to share my thoughts with others, via his eloquence.

Thank Sir Robinson – you just made my year!

Fear of Death

Warning!  For various reasons the following will probably upset you in one way or another, so continue to read at your own risk.

My foray into the Powers of Time has led my mind committee back to an ever favorite topic of debate:

How pervasive is the Fear of Death?

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Now, for better or worse, I was raised in and currently inhabit a society where the majority of folks believe in some kind of continuation of the individual “spark” that makes them, well, Them.  This ‘spark’ is referred to as Consciousness, Soul, Spirit, Divine Individuation, Energy… the list is long.

Although folks may disagree on how many trips we get in a mortal body, where exactly our spark starts and ends, what a spark must do in order to move through various levels of existence and how many actual levels of existence there are… for the most part, I’m surrounded by people who believe our ‘spark’ is immortal.

This is a very broad overview of the variety of beliefs that tout,

“Death is only the beginning”

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In a somewhat contradictory fashion, however, the society I live in is fully focused on Life being the preferred level.

I’m bombarded daily with options to keep me young and sexy.   The medical community pursues keeping the body alive long after the ‘spark’ has sputtered out.

I cannot legally commit suicide or help another to do so.

I’m encouraged to eat right, exercise and contribute to society as part of my patriotic duties, but no one is allowed to off me should I become a drain on the system or so messed up I can’t function without daily professional or medicinal intervention.

Pleas for the government  to ensure safety from food poisoning, terrorists and economic collapse tell me that we all have a great investment in Life and just as surely, want to avoid Death for as long as possible.

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I embarrassed some in my circle during a Christmas get together a few years ago, when I asked the local minister if folks believe in Heaven then why are they afraid to die?

He answered it was because of fear of the unknown.

But, I countered, it’s not unknown.  We’ve been told for millenia how wonderful Heaven is.  We’ve been given the rule book on how to get there.

Even non-christian beliefs often contain some kind of far off utopia which can only be reached once the physical body is done.

If we have faith in any of those versions, then how can we be fearful of dying?

He did offer to meet me for tea later to discuss in length.   The hostess of the party quickly saved everyone from my non-pc musings by distracting them with food and punch.

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The loss of my oldest son to bacterial meningitis has resulted in me looking at death very differently.   Even what prior bouts of massive pain could not induce me to contemplate, immense grief has driven me too.

I have, on occasion the past two years, asked the Universe if I could please be done.

This is not due to any great faith that ‘being done’ will result in seeing Morgan again.   It’s also not done with any great optimism that my pleas will be answered….

It’s simply because sometimes, even nothingness seems like a better option than current pain levels.

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I’m not discounting the sanctity of Life.   There are many pleasures I’ve received simply because I woke up and decided to breathe for just one more day.

I’m constantly inspired by the beauty of the human spirit in face of incredible odds and woes.   I delight in the beauty of Mother Nature.  And yes, there are often moments where I wonder how anything can be more perfect than Now.

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One of my favorite authors wrote that at one dark period in his life, he drove out to the middle of nowhere and attempted to feed a hose from his car exhaust into the car…where he was sitting….with the windows rolled up….

Seems the hot exhaust kept melting the tape and the hose wouldn’t stay connected.

His conclusion?

To dumb to live, to incompetent to die.

Sometimes I can empathize with his trials….

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So I drift along, constantly changing my ‘order’ to the Universal Wish Fulfillment Center.  It often goes something like this:

Long day of overdoing results in physical discomfort.

Physical discomfort leads to other pains, previously suppressed, but now yelling for attention.

I despair that life will every be perfect again.

I ask to please be done.  I go to sleep chanting my ‘done, done, done’ mantra.

I awake to find I’m alive, for one more day.

Great!  Okay, so what will I do today to keep myself entertained, not burn too many bridges and make some choices that have foundations in the possibility of a tomorrow, cuz, hey, history shows me there’s a very good chance I’m going to wake up tomorrow too.

I thank the Universe for the beauty and splendor around me.  I appreciate the sparks that inhabit my life.  I try to make the most of everything.

And I make plans and pursue pleasures like I’m never going to die…

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If it’s true that our reality is created by our thought processes then I’m sure whoever is In Charge has placed all my orders on hold, stamped with a big Red

“Changes Order Constantly.   To save on shipping and return costs, delay order fulfillment, indefinitely.”

Ah well, at least I’m safe from myself.

The Powers of Time

I really enjoyed Professor Philip Zimbardo’s presentation, “The Secret Powers of Time”. (Animated Overview or Full Lecture)

Gave me additional food for thought (as if I didn’t have enough already…) and sent me into analyzing my own perceptions of Time.

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He postulates there are 6 time zone folks choose to live in, as follows:

• Past Orientated (2 options)
  • Positive – Tradition, memory of the ‘good old days’
  • Negative – Regret and focus on failures
• Present Orientated (2 options)
  • Hedonist – Seek pleasure, avoid pain
  • It Doesn’t Pay to Plan – My life is fated – by my religion, my poverty, the conditions I’m living under
• Future Orientated (2 options)
  • Trust in the Future – Work now rather than play, resist temptation today for greater rewards tomorrow
  • Afterlife – Believe life begins after the death of the mortal body.

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Just as I have, at one time or another, been all the mice in “Who Ate My Cheese?“, I realize I’ve spent considerable Time in each Zone.

I’m  really aware of how my time perception greatly clouds my memories of past events, distorts possible futures and aids or interferes with my enjoyment of Now.

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I finally confided my secret regret and guilt to another – I don’t know exactly what I was hoping to accomplish by this baring of the soul, but I did do it.

I confessed my remorse over the knowledge that while my son lay in a coma, dying from bacterial meningitis, I spent most of my time in the smoker’s area outside.

Imagine my surprise when my friend, who stayed by my side during the entire ordeal, said,

“Really?  I don’t think so.   I remember wanting to have a smoke and instead, waited for you.   It seemed like forever!”

In repeating this conversation to my mom, who is a non-smoker, she also cried foul, stating that she didn’t share my memory of reality either.

I can always count on friends and my mommy to make me feel better.

Seems my internal knowledge of knowing how hard it was to face the pain of losing my son had colored my memory of how hedonistic I really was those two days.

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I’ve been very intrigued by the experiments done regarding focused intention and changing history.   (The Field, by Lynne McTaggart). Quite simply because I wish I could change my recent past.  I really want to believe that focused meditation can prevent me waking up tomorrow with the knowledge Morgan is gone.

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According to physicists, Time and Space make the fabric of our Universe.  Both  can be warped, shaped and otherwise manipulated.  They recommend being a Present Orientated Hedonist that seeks Knowledge.

According to peace gurus, there is nothing but Now, and in my desire to eagerly reach out for the next moment (Future Orientated), hoping it gratifies me more than the one I have presently, I sacrifice any hopes of internal peace.  I’m to find pleasure in this moment (Present Hedonist)

According to nutritionists, my best bet is to be Future Orientated, resisting cigs and Pepsi today for assurances of a healthy tomorrow.

My fellow Freedom Loving Enthusiasts would also like me to be Future Orientated, so through my voting and purchase choices, I can prevent the total destruction of the world as we know it.

The Moral Majority would like for me to be Positive Past focused, to remember the ‘golden age’ and return to tradition and family values.  At the same time, they would like me to be Future Orientated in regards to my immortal soul.  In short, they are asking me to live in 2 different time zones.

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As I ponder this perspective on Time this morning, I realize why I’m so often confused and dismayed….

In examining ideals, both my own and those of society, I realize that ‘solutions’ often ask us to live in a variety of Time zones at once.  Which results in ‘much arguing with ourselves and each other’.

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On the flip side, I think I just proved that Time Travel takes place now, not in some techno future.

Update! I took the Zimbardo Time Perspective Survey and discovered I AM a Time Traveler – here’s the dispersion rate of my Time Perspective between the 6 Zones:

Past-negative	3.50
Past-positive	3.67
Present-hedonistic	3.60
Present-fatalistic	3.89
Future	3.15

I’m almost evenly split between all zones…no wonder nothing ever gets done at my house, I don’t even know where I’m at….