Apparently, though I’ve perked up enough to be back in the land of the living, I’m not fully recovered enough to fit in well, as conversations with others have really highlighted the fact that there is a facet of life that greatly occupies others’ lives that I never think about until someone else brings it up –
Mainly, relationships and sex.
A home tutoring session on how-to organize your photos the other day resulted in said customer being exasperated that :
I think So-And-So’s butt looks like any other football player’s butt – padded – and what’s the big deal and why does it matter that he plays for the Broncos?
In my defense, I’ve never been a ‘butt’ person – I always look at shoulders and hands – – -will they hold up to plenty of home improvement projects? (Shameless, I know) But she, along with plenty of others think I’m too young to ‘swear off relationships’ and believe it their job to somehow entice my libido back to the land of man-admiring…
I admire men – did I not just recently wax eloquent about Grandpa Golden’s Green Thumb?!?
Two days later, an ole school chum of mine came over for finger foods, a movie and catching up. Her youngest will soon finish her first year of college and my friend is busy dreaming about what the ‘next step’ of her life will look like -should she sell the house and rent something, till she knows where she’ll settle? To be less tied down for when she finds the love and companionship she wants and deserves in her life….
“Really?” I ask her. “You really want to date and/or be married?” Astonishing.
Like me, she grew up here, moved away, married, had some kids…
and then came back home, a single mom, struggling to get those kids the best start she could.
How could she forget the pain and heartache of trying to rebuild a life, find a home, re-furnish it and recover financially from the devastation brought to her by the very person who promised to cherish and protect?
Apparently, it’s been long enough for her. And she even, *gasp* dates! I mean, it’s only been 12 years or so since her divorce – how could she possibly be interested in that merry-go-round ride again? But I swear to goodness – the woman has been dating for years. Has tried to get me to go with her on outings – -(which will happen whenever what is located below hell freezes over…)
She assures me I won’t always feel this way (she has no idea how stubborn I can be, since now, I have a point to prove…)
And then today, the guy who showed up to give me an estimate on some house upgrades and who I found an ally in regarding local economies and politics commented that he really liked how I think – – and he’s by himself too, except for his dog, which he’s sure I’d love…
Hmmm – – – going back in the house now – thanks for coming by and yes, by all means call me with that estimate. But now having coffee and chewing the fat no longer holds any allure for me.
I all but ran back into the house – and if he does call to discuss politics and how-to’s over coffee (like we originally discussed, before I knew he was single) I’ll probably be too busy re-wiring my house.
(I Do Not Insult possible suitors by telling them I have to wash my hair instead of going out with them – that’s just cruel.)
Perhaps I’m wrong – maybe he’d laugh out loud if I told him it sounded like I thought he was edging towards dating….
Nevertheless, in my house I will stay.
My mom mentioned a couple years ago that I was still young, that someday Prince Charming would show up – – I told her the list of “To-Do’s” Prince Charming would have to perform in order to calm my inner fears and even dare to think about dating again was so long, I don’t think anyone, Hercules included, would be up to the task and even if they were, who the heck would plow through the list that includes:
- Be available for all work requiring heavy lifting and power tools I don’t yet know how to use
- And train me how to use them, so I don’t have to call you again
- Be willing to fix your own supper and entertain yourself at night, because I overdid in the garden and must now lay down, or die from a second stroke
- Not interested in your stuff, I’ve got my own to deal with – just show up, get the project done and quietly leave me to enjoy the fruit of your labors.
I’m self-aware enough to know that any man who might find his way to my house would be viewed in the same manner as a chainsaw – “Gets work done, but best to handle with extreme care, don’t allow close to any body parts and store in the shed when not needed.”
Which is why I’m getting estimates from professionals, rather than offering meals and beer to the local bachelors to get these projects done. That may work for some (I swear! this still goes on – – – who knew?) but I can’t bring myself to even do that – knowing that at some point, I would fail to live up to what I suspect would be my end of the bargain.
Closing the door on anything but a celibate, dateless existence was a conscious choice – it didn’t happen because I got tired, or took a break, or am ‘giving myself time to heal’.
I shut it because I see it as the only option for a happy life – at least for now. Sort of a self-imposed quarantine to keep me away from things that historically have not been too good for me and to guard the opposite sex from my crappy, pessimistic world-view right now.
I think I should get a frickin’ medal for locking myself away until I’m fit for human consumption again – – :>)
Those in my circle just cluck their tongues and smile knowingly – – “She just needs time. “
I’m thinking an eternity.
One friend said it sounded like I was suited for the nun’s life – I told him I spent 10 days at an abbey once. And loved every minute of it – but I really had problems with stopping work to pray so often – – it just rankled my butt to leave that last section of weeds un-pulled for an hour or so.
I always looked at marriage as a partnership – you hooked up when you were young, pro-created and saw to it the kiddos got what they needed to start their grand life adventure full of knowledge and confidence. You stayed together when children were no longer possible, bodies aged and became ill, because, hey – you’re a team now – forged from the yawning jaws of Life – and you know each others secrets and ain’t it grand that someone knows all your warts and still has your back, anyways.
I’m past the age of pro-creating – I have no resources or energy to raise someone else’s creation or take care of another aged/ill body. My body is a ticking time bomb and who knows when it might go off and I certainly don’t want someone else hurt in the fall out. I like that my youngest child and I are excellent roommates – I don’t really want someone else messing up the oasis we have built.
Soon, he will be off on his own adventures and by that time, I’m thinking I’ll be so used to getting to watch what I want (we have similar movie tastes) that I won’t want to give that lifestyle up.
Besides, it takes a lot of energy to meet new people, make conversation and not step on toes or commit social gaffes while you’re at it – – –
I guess, this morning’s musings are more about trying to figure out how to be perpetually single/celibate in a world that seems to live for Double-Vision. I guess there will be more episodes where I back off when maybe I didn’t need too (sometimes coffee is JUST coffee) and more comments from well-meaning friends who think I ‘should put myself out there” – which has all the allure of hiking Everest barefooted and in a bikini, to boot…
Ah well, live some and learn some and then try something else…