The “Freebie” that Costs you $75,000

Yesterday, I traveled with a friend to the beauty school where her daughter is a first year student.   Seems her daughter needs so many ‘models’ each year to get enough ‘checkmarks’ in order to fulfill school obligations….

Me, with my ‘hasn’t been cut/styled/trimmed in a year’ scraggly long hair, coupled with bangs I’ve been whacking on myself for about the same time period, seemed like a good candidate – mainly because, unless you snatch me bald, there’s really no way you could do a worse job of cutting my hair than I do…

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By 9:15 or so, I’m ready to take a nap – – Seems this particular student understands not everyone wants their scalp scrubbed off their skull or thinks freezing/scalding water in the client’s ear is ‘business as usual’.    I spent the entire shampooing time blissfully relaxed as gentle hands massaged my tender scalp – I’ve always been tender-headed and post-stroke, there are some areas that scream in outrage when I finally submit to the beautician’s torture chamber –

Not so here – I’m starting to think maybe this was a good idea after all…

Carefully, Miss Doodle, (yes that’s her nickname and keep an eye out for it, because she’s also writing a children’s book, most likely to be published under the same pen name) gently parts off one tiny section at a time from the wet mass piled on top of my head in a clip – Each strand is gently combed and any knots found are easily teased out without causing my eyes to water or my tongue to bleed from biting back cuss words  – –

Sitting still, because I’m blissfully wandering between reality and dreamland – I pray to the Universe that beauty school doesn’t ruin her gentle hands – I’d like her to be my beautician for life – Even if she moves to New York City –

Yes, I know you’re shocked, but I would fly to New York City to have her do my hair…  But please, Miss Doodle, could you stay in Colorado?  I really don’t want to fly to New York –

Long hair is cut and evened out – 3 inches of dry split ends are removed – the bangs I butchered now lie in a straight line across my forehead – Miss Doodle is surprised it is only 10:00 a.m. –  seems this went much faster than her last hair-cut – do I want her to blow dry and curl it?

Why not?   Do whatever you wish dear – have fun – I’m going back to sleep –

Hair is dried and put back up in the clip – strands that maybe contain 10 hairs each, are professionally parted off and curled around an instrument I could do serious injury to myself with, should I ever try to use one.

Teacher comes and praises the job – I praise Miss Doodle’s careful handling of my over-sensitive scalp.   Teacher admits she, herself, is a scrubber – I make note to never have her do my hair.

I leave the school with bouncy, full curls falling over my shoulders that swing as I walk – I feel like a girl in a shampoo commercial…

I get to work and receive amazed comments at how pretty my hair is – amazed because no one has actually seen my hair other than the rat’s nest clipped on top of my head and bangs teased and sprayed within an inch of their life in an attempt to camouflage how horrendously crooked they are.

Miss Doodle shared how she learned to do what’s called a ‘messy bun’ – – Yes, I’m aware of the style – I’ve done it most of my life – but mine always looks like ‘I’m lazy messy’ not “I spent an hour to look this chic-messy’…

And one more plus – Miss Doodle didn’t talk my ear off – or ask me questions I prefer not to answer.  I realize some view their beautician as a two-for-one alternative to actually going to a therapist – not me and I really liked that she didn’t think her job was to entertain me or offer suggestions to fix my life – –

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By now, you’re wondering if I’m  actually going to tell you why my free haircut will end up costing me $75,000 – – Here goes:

“Wow!  My hair really looks nice.   Maybe I should put on some make-up…”

Discover all make-up has dried up and died away from neglect – buy all new – $50-$1,000

“Oooh -Look how nice that reflection in the mirror is! Maybe I should wear something other than jeans and my son’s hand-me-down sweatshirt”

Buy new clothes – $200-$10,000 depending on how hog wild you go…

“This outfit is cute – but my tennis shoes look pretty ratty – maybe I’d better get new shoes to match all my new outfits…”

I’ve never really done the ‘match the shoes/purse’ thingee, but I’m guessing this will add up to nearly $5,000… or more….

“Don’t I look like a fashion plate – wait, there’s something missing… Ahhh… accessories!  That’s what I need!”

My ears are picky – I can only put gold earrings in the holes I punched in them – which probably have to be re-punched because I haven’t accessorized for 7 years or more…   Because gold hoops look so classy, I really don’t think I can put some dollar store necklace, ring and/or bracelet on with them –

I’ve never been stylish enough to put together things from the 80% off bin and look like a runway model – I’ve known women like this – even hung around them, hoping by osmosis some sense of style would rub off on me – didn’t happen, so I stick with what I know – denim and flannel never let you down –

Jewelry will probably run $3,000 – $10,000….

And now I look so damn hot, I simply couldn’t ruin the look by being seen in my dirty white work truck, (that can haul a ton or more of landscaping materials and has vinyl floor boards so cleaning the interior requires nothing more than opening both doors and letting the power washer wand do it’s job) – -Yup, I simply must go get something to match my new look  – –

I’m thinking a ’68 Dodge Charger – – – in metallic Forest Green or Midnight Purple – – and since the restoration and custom paint job is going to cost extra, might as well upgrade to the leather seats and matching carpet floorboards…..

Which means no power-washer and I’ll need to pony up the big bucks every 3 months or so to have my fabulous new classic ride detailed out…

See?

This is also the very reason no one should never buy new curtains – you’ll only end up remodeling the whole durn house – –

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I’m off to put my hair up in a clip and get back to work –

Thanks, Miss Doodle, for the wonderful head massage and free haircut – – I’ll try not to cheapen the whole wonderful experience by going off the deep-end…

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