Cybercafe Open!

I’m nearly through the day – this day that I’m sure the Cyber Cafe is open and those who are no longer with us, can hear – –

“Good Morning, Morgan – hope I’m not pulling you away from something important – because in my infinite vanity, I believe whenever I call on you and Dad, you arrive to listen to me ramble on – – It’s been 6 years – you would be so proud of your brother – he’s a natural in Drama, just like you- I’m sure you saw his rendition of Bob Cratchett this December – his wonderful portrayal of Christan in Cyrano this spring – Did you not just love how he stayed in character at all times – no matter who else forgot their lines or what was going on around him?

There are times he struggles – he’s more like his Dad than me and I don’t always know what to do for him – – we don’t disagree like you and I did – but we aren’t always on the same exact page like you and I were, either – – – I sometimes worry that I’m making the same mistakes I made with you – much as I vowed not to ever repeat those mistakes again!

I started a new job this last fall – and a co-worker reminds me of you – tall and slim, with hair dyed a different color each month or so, 18 years old, enthusiastic and smart, he reminds me of you.

He’s become a buddy of your brother – a surrogate older brother, if you will – not that you could ever be replaced – but it brings him comfort – I rail against the fact your brother is stretching his wings to leave the nest (not quite yet!) and knowing how wonderful this relationship is for him – – 

I told  the co-worker/surrogate son/brother, how much he and his family made a difference for your brother and I these past few weeks – earlier this spring – didI make him uncomfortable?   I don’t know – but I wanted to make sure he knew how he touched your brother and I’s lives – –

I’m not at my best today – I’m trying to figure out what stories are true and which should be let go as false hoods –

Did I ever tell you that Dad visited me in my dreams a year after he died and most frequently, the week before you died?   How he never said anything, just looked so sad and how I would awake so sure he was there, only to sob, heartbroken when I realized it was a dream and he was not?   Now it seems he was trying to let me know – know what was to come – only I thought it just meant I was working through my grief –

Did you know that the weeks before you died, there was a black crow near my car every morning I left for work and one to greet me at both work and my return to home?  I was excited, as crows indicate change – I thought they were showing support for quitting my job and starting a new venture – how wrong I was – they tried to tell me, too, but I didn’t get the message… 

Do you think I’ll ever come up with stories that both serve me and actually have some chance of being true in the whole scheme of things?!?

Dad’s been visiting my dreams often here lately – he laughs, he talks, he hugs, he loves – what does that mean?   Should I be happy or is this an omen?   Does it mean turning a corner of healing or notice of things to come?   Will I soon be with you?  Need I wait for awhile longer?

What will I understand this phenomena to mean when the calendar has changed  6 more times?  Anything?  Nothing?

Am I driving you nutz with my analyzing yet?

I miss you –  trying to figure out a story I can tell to make it through Saturday –  your 24th birthday – when, for the first time since you died, I have scheduled something other than “get through the day” for the 7th of June –

Yup!  I signed up to be somewhere, on someone else’s schedule, in a public setting where I have to be nice to humanity and a meltdown is not an option – do you think it will work, this new approach?  

6 years is a long time, but this morning, it seems like no time at all – – I feel nearly as I did 6 years ago, except the blessed numbness is not present – – Does that mean I’m well enough to tackle the next layer of pain? 

How many more layers are there left to go?  

Sometimes, I get tired of working through the layers – I try to just let them be – to not attach any significance to them – but that’s not really me, now, is it?

Am I going forward, backward or stuck?  

Yeah, you’re right – I should just shout “Bubblegum” or some other random word until I feel better –

Thanks, you always knew how to put it all in perspective.

I love you and will let you get back to your own adventures – – tell Everyone I said Hi! and oh, how I miss you all.”

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13 thoughts on “Cybercafe Open!”

  1. I am so pleased to be reading a post like this, sad as it is, that you have lost your loves in your life.. You know well enough they are there at your side, guiding, talking, keeping watch and giving you signs in your dreams.. Know this to be true.. I know you do… and I am sending you much love on your journey as you continue without them.. x

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      1. LOL look them up in the animal totems… I have had spiders stalking me all week.. the crazy thing even one in my car.. All the same species too. I looked it up and had a big smile…
        So what are you hoarding! up?…. I bet if you read you will smile at what they both represent.. xxx

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  2. The dominant thought I’m having is that sometimes the questions are more important than the answers. Certainty only gives comfort when the items at hand lend themselves to enumeration–counting dollars, for example. For everything else, a blessed confusion can be like swaddling clothes.

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  3. I would like to think of your dad’s visits as a gift of hope and comfort. There’s really no words to help ease the pain you still feel but just know that you’re in my thoughts always :).

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    1. Thank you so very much! 🙂 As I’ve confessed, a time of major life events all crowded closely together, threw me for a loop and gets me into a vicious circle of wondering, “Hmm… this happened – what does it mean?” all in an attempt to somehow not get blindsided again – – Funny how the things we come up with to try to protect ourselves sometime becomes the very weapons that hurt us the most – – 🙂

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        1. LOL – “we all go through the same emotional roller coaster at some point” – –
          I read that and truly did LOL, as often my inner dialogue swings wildly between:
          “buck up and quit whining – what, like you’re the only person in history to grieve??”
          and
          “it is what it is – go ahead, wallow around in it till some glimmer of hope comes to you and then go share it, maybe it will help someone else”

          🙂 It really is all in the perspective, eh? 🙂

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        2. Yeah you could say it’s a perspective thing but easier said than done. Anyway, just don’t go on the ‘roller coaster ride’ for more than 30 minutes a day, ok?…LOL.

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        3. I try to avoid roller coasters at all costs – never even ridden in a real one – but sometimes, avoiding the ride internally means avoiding learning something new about yourself! 🙂

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