I’m nearly through the day – this day that I’m sure the Cyber Cafe is open and those who are no longer with us, can hear – –
“Good Morning, Morgan – hope I’m not pulling you away from something important – because in my infinite vanity, I believe whenever I call on you and Dad, you arrive to listen to me ramble on – – It’s been 6 years – you would be so proud of your brother – he’s a natural in Drama, just like you- I’m sure you saw his rendition of Bob Cratchett this December – his wonderful portrayal of Christan in Cyrano this spring – Did you not just love how he stayed in character at all times – no matter who else forgot their lines or what was going on around him?
There are times he struggles – he’s more like his Dad than me and I don’t always know what to do for him – – we don’t disagree like you and I did – but we aren’t always on the same exact page like you and I were, either – – – I sometimes worry that I’m making the same mistakes I made with you – much as I vowed not to ever repeat those mistakes again!
I started a new job this last fall – and a co-worker reminds me of you – tall and slim, with hair dyed a different color each month or so, 18 years old, enthusiastic and smart, he reminds me of you.
He’s become a buddy of your brother – a surrogate older brother, if you will – not that you could ever be replaced – but it brings him comfort – I rail against the fact your brother is stretching his wings to leave the nest (not quite yet!) and knowing how wonderful this relationship is for him – –
I told the co-worker/surrogate son/brother, how much he and his family made a difference for your brother and I these past few weeks – earlier this spring – didI make him uncomfortable? I don’t know – but I wanted to make sure he knew how he touched your brother and I’s lives – –
I’m not at my best today – I’m trying to figure out what stories are true and which should be let go as false hoods –
Did I ever tell you that Dad visited me in my dreams a year after he died and most frequently, the week before you died? How he never said anything, just looked so sad and how I would awake so sure he was there, only to sob, heartbroken when I realized it was a dream and he was not? Now it seems he was trying to let me know – know what was to come – only I thought it just meant I was working through my grief –
Did you know that the weeks before you died, there was a black crow near my car every morning I left for work and one to greet me at both work and my return to home? I was excited, as crows indicate change – I thought they were showing support for quitting my job and starting a new venture – how wrong I was – they tried to tell me, too, but I didn’t get the message…
Do you think I’ll ever come up with stories that both serve me and actually have some chance of being true in the whole scheme of things?!?
Dad’s been visiting my dreams often here lately – he laughs, he talks, he hugs, he loves – what does that mean? Should I be happy or is this an omen? Does it mean turning a corner of healing or notice of things to come? Will I soon be with you? Need I wait for awhile longer?
What will I understand this phenomena to mean when the calendar has changed 6 more times? Anything? Nothing?
Am I driving you nutz with my analyzing yet?
I miss you – trying to figure out a story I can tell to make it through Saturday – your 24th birthday – when, for the first time since you died, I have scheduled something other than “get through the day” for the 7th of June –
Yup! I signed up to be somewhere, on someone else’s schedule, in a public setting where I have to be nice to humanity and a meltdown is not an option – do you think it will work, this new approach?
6 years is a long time, but this morning, it seems like no time at all – – I feel nearly as I did 6 years ago, except the blessed numbness is not present – – Does that mean I’m well enough to tackle the next layer of pain?
How many more layers are there left to go?
Sometimes, I get tired of working through the layers – I try to just let them be – to not attach any significance to them – but that’s not really me, now, is it?
Am I going forward, backward or stuck?
Yeah, you’re right – I should just shout “Bubblegum” or some other random word until I feel better –
Thanks, you always knew how to put it all in perspective.
I love you and will let you get back to your own adventures – – tell Everyone I said Hi! and oh, how I miss you all.”