Response to “Blogging From the Grave”

Yes – I love the mind and writings of Linda G. Hill – and I started to leave a simple comment to her post, “Blogging from the Grave” –

Truly! I Did Attempt Simple…Short….Comment…..Honest!

Alas, the writing of said comment soon morphed into such size, I could only feel good about myself if I blogged on my own site and didn’t Hijack her Comment area with my own little dysfunctions….

Fair is, After All, Fair….

Someday – I shall learn how to write a comment without compiling an entire blog postΒ  –

Until then, I want my Gold Star for realizing I was waxing eloquent in the space of another and stopped myself prior to hitting the “Send” button for said comment – WHAT?!?

Really?!? There are no gold stars for writing your own posts instead of having a blog in the comments section of other blogs?

Fine, whatever…..But know, you’ve really disappointed me in my said quota for Gold Stars for the week….

***********

I shall refer you to Linda’s Post, yet again –

IF you’re to make sense of the following, you really should peruse her post, first –

If you don’t go read her post, might as well not read any of the following – because, I imagine, none of the following will make sense if you stumble into it unaware of what went before…

***********

The My Space Page of my son (who died in 2008) is still live and able to be visited -( I just double checked, for the first time in quite some time, to make sure I’m not lying to you – yup – still there – – with drinking bikini babes splashed on home page –Β  names I don’t recognize unless I work back through his history page –Β  πŸ™‚Β  what does a mother really know, though,Β  after all….)

When he died in 2008, I was unable to log in, post updates for his funeral services or anything, EVEN after multiple customer service calls/emailing/faxing My Space a copy of his death certificate, because he didn’t have a ‘back-up, in case I die, it’s okay if my Mom wants to let folks know what is happening” plan in place –

I wanted so badly to be able to put up a notice at his site- to say what happened and to express my gratitude to those in his My Space community who had ‘checked in on him’ – to let them know why they were met with a wall of silence that could no longer be broken – –

Truth be told, it finally broke my heart to check in, read and be powerless to do anythingΒ  and after two years of trying, I gave up – couldn’t take the pain of dealing anymore with reps who thought I was a hacker/scammer,Β  πŸ™‚

So….MORBID or NOT – I personally take advantage of any “Legacy” options available for any of my ‘accounts’ – email, blogging, etc.Β Β  I fill out the information, “Hey! If I haven’t logged in for 3 months, here’s who to contact and if they tell you I died, you can believe them – and if you’re an arse while dealing with them, guess who is going haunt you from beyond the grave? “

ME

I never want to put someone else through what I chafed against – and maybe, I’m still healing and taking it all too seriously, but my family has been prepped,

“This is in my safe deposit box – this journal contains what is needed to avoid the Armageddon of Internet Pain – “

and I update it frequently, as far as passwords, etc., – (because I’m anal) but I never want someone else to experience the pain of helplessness I did – –

Even if, said trusted folks, with password info, take advantage to post:

“Ding-Dong, the wicked witch is dead….”

πŸ™‚Β  I still don’t have to worry about my loved ones looking at the string of comments, stating:
“Where R U?”
“Are u OK?”
“What R U Doing”

And wishing, so ardently, to answer and having no way to do so other than opening their own (unwanted) social account and social stalking folks until they get the message that could have simply been posted, had a death certificate been enough proof –

BUTT!Β  After that long arse harangue that was more than anyone bargained for or more than anyone in their right mind should have posted, I have to say – Linda – if you want to trust that Scheduled Posts will work as planned through upgrades and the years, and wish to have stuff published after you’re dead –

Go for it!

But please, let your family know how to log in and post a simple, “We Loved Her – We are Leaving Her Site As Is – but know, your comments may not be answered in the way you thought they would….”

Because, yes, my son always found ways to answer – even if it wasn’t on MySpace –

Oh – you want an example?

Okay – New Year’s Eve, 2009 – 6 months after he’s gone:

I, believing the (now ex) hubby that his cell phone account wouldn’t be cancelled for 2 years, because it was just too much money to cancel, texted to my boy:
“I Love You and Miss You – Happy New Year’s, Babe”
and was actually stunned by hurt when I immediately received a response,
“Who is this?”

To which I wanted to say, “This is your Mama! You dunce!” –

Until I realized what had taken place –
The response to my “Oh-so sorry-here’s what happened” message from Same-Number-Not-Your-Son-Kind-Stranger, is as follows:
“I’m so sorry for your loss – I do not know what to say, except, I hope this year brings you more happiness than last year.”

There are many ways to communicate and whether through a cell phone text or a blog, I believe the Heavens always send those who grieve just what they need, just when they need it – πŸ™‚

And Linda, there’s a very good statistical chance that your Blog Posting from the Grave will do the same for others – πŸ™‚

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25 thoughts on “Response to “Blogging From the Grave””

  1. I was just remarking on someone else’s post who had written a piece about a character finding a letter. I pondered on what it would be like for future generations trawling through banal emails for the important stuff. I haven’t thought about the comfort it can bring having these links to someone. I’ve been uncomfortable about people who post about their grief through social media. Thank you for letting me see this differently And on a different note, I too have wondered if I’ve just left a mini post in someone’s comments!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Years ago a co-worker retired and moved away – she and I exchanged written letters, because, in her words:
      “Think of all the history we know about because of diaries, journals and letters – how will people know about our history if we all we do is text/email?” πŸ™‚
      My own little self-imposed restrictions on how much I write in the comment sections of others need not be adopted by you – at least not here! πŸ™‚
      Grief and how we each work through it takes so many forms – we all have our ‘yes, that seems appropriate/no, maybe not so much” feelings – given our own personalities, the way we were raised and the culture we are a part of – I found that some folks in my circle didn’t want to hear about it or have it mentioned – others (like several here in the WordPress community) chose to share their journey after the loss of their child and through their words, I found comfort and hope as I traversed my own healing – πŸ™‚
      Your comment did remind me of a very sad story shared with me some time back – a family member was seriously ill and another member found out too late to visit one last time – because, you see, those on the spot only posted updates to Facebook – since the one didn’t even have a Facebook account, they didn’t know – sigh – I admit to having serious judgmental thoughts over that story! πŸ™‚
      Thanks for visiting and taking the time to comment – as you can see, I have no problemo, whatsoever, in long comments here in my own space! πŸ™‚

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  2. I think that you are absolutely right., TamaraJo So sorry about your son, and I’m sure that you are still grieving. I guess that / the loving / the missing doesn’t go away. It just becomes different and some people never get that people grieve differently. After my parents died (within 11 months of each other), I became obsessed with making sure that photographs had names, dates, events, etc., written on the back. Then Facebook happened – oh joy! A way of recording and sharing and remembering.

    All your suggestions are good ones – thank you. I think that once we’ve all made peace with the fact that we leave electronic footprints, we can / should use them as you suggest – as long as one feels comfortable with it.

    I don’t think you’re anal. I think that the young folk who deal with requests from those of us who are either entering the third of the three-score-and-ten we’re alotted, or who know how quickly a life can be snuffed out, believe that they’re invincible and that they will live forever. A wonderful space to be in, but what a shock when they discover reality.

    Now I’m getting morbid and I’ve written an almost-missive….

    Thank you for that. And well said!

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    1. Thanks for stopping by and your thoughtful comments! When my youngest son got of an age to want to be on Facebook and by the time I said “okay” (about 2 years later – LOL) he was old enough for me to explain why his dad and I needed to be advised of when he changed his password – because of our history, he immediately understood why and does so, with no complaints –
      You, too, experienced many blows in a short period of time – my dad and son passed away within 13 months of each other and it is rather staggering to try to wade through your multiple griefs simultaneously – however, I think the recording of the pictures, etc a most profitable and useful healing strategy! πŸ™‚
      It’s not morbid to recognize the differences between stages of life – at least no one here will find fault with it – LOL – I did learn quite sometime ago that the neural pathways for fear responses aren’t fully connected in until later in boys than girls – the author of the post sharing the study link commented that what may be seen as ‘recklessness’ etc., of young men, is simply an absence of brain mechanisms to report, “WHOA! This might turn out bad….” πŸ™‚
      Alas, I can say that experience changes these things – my youngest son turned 9 a few short days after his brother passed away – he ‘gets’ it and is often discouraged with other kids his age and their lack of compassion/understanding or when they focus on things that he has lumped into ‘not important’ category, because of his own life’s experience – he has grown into such a wonderful young man and I often think of how much our loss had to do with his compassionate perspective and thoughtful way of being now – Not what I would have wished for, but also, cannot ignore the gifts that are given when loss is incurred –
      Thanks again for visiting and sharing!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you TamrahJo for your very moving narrative, – an aspect of grief that I’ve never considered, past the saved message on the telephone answering machine and the ever-silent Skype account. And solid advice about preparing authority, with passwords etc. I am so sorry you lost your son and wish you well in your healing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your loved ones will appreciate it! Hopefully, 90 or so years hence – πŸ™‚ Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment! May you live long and prosper, knowing your back-up plan is already in place – πŸ™‚

      Like

    1. Thank you Princess for visiting and taking the time to comment! I seriously already know you’re my kind of people, just by your “Princess Kick-ass” handle – πŸ™‚
      Grief is something we all deal with – sooner or later – my only way to deal with it is to try to find some way to weave some hope into the pain – so your feedback is very much appreciated!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Social networks have left our legacies (good and bad) long after we pass or care. I had a few friends on facebook whose accounts stayed open after they had passed, but it’s been more than a year. It is hard to see the friend’s face pop up for some random facebook item, so I finally had to “unfriend” them–that sounds so horrible! I’m surprised My Space is still around, thought it had closed. Just shows you that whatever is posted in cyberspace stays in cyberpace. I really did enjoy your post and it sounds like your have managed your grief in a healthy way. See how this subject elicits long comments? πŸ™‚

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    1. Terri – thanks so much for visiting and sharing! πŸ™‚ I will not re-type my full response to Sue that addresses the long comment topic, but I don’t care if people leave long comments here – However – I’m not certain how other folks feel about it and do try to be a “Good WordPress neighbor” – πŸ™‚ plus, I engage in marathon reading, liking, commenting at times and figure I may have already worn out my welcome, sometimes – πŸ™‚
      I don’t think your ‘unfriending’ is horrible – we each navigate our grief as best we can – – I made memory boxes for everyone in the family after my son died – with his picture, a lock of his hair, his funeral program and the thank you notes we designed – Mine is still in storage instead of hung on the wall, because I just can’t bear the daily reminder – not yet – –
      And, I still hurt when I visit the homes of family who have his memory box and a thousand other pictures displayed – –
      However, it is a process and last year, I put my favorite picture of him, (his senior picture) up on the top of my book case – I know it’s there, I can look when I like, but it’s not right in my ‘can’t avoid it’ gaze –
      It’s a process – I can’t say, definitively, if how I’ve journeyed it is, in fact, the most healthy way, but one thing I do know – we each walk the journey of healing at our own pace and in our own way – and sometimes we triumph and encourage others and sometimes we fall and others turn to help us up – in the end, the kindest thing we can do for each other, to my mind, is to recognize, we each do what we can, when we can and that’s okay – πŸ™‚
      Thanks again for your visit and kind comments.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Reblogged this on lindaghill and commented:
    For all of you who read my post, “Blogging from the Grave,” here’s a response that should have gone into the comments. It’s a must-read.
    Note: Comments here are turned off. Please comment on the original post.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Linda – I’ve met and conversed with so many wonderful people today – and found some new blogs to follow – thanks to you – Appreciate You! hugs

      Like

  6. Wow. Thank you so much for sharing this. I will certainly take your advice into consideration. I do believe there are sites out there that exist for the express purpose of informing all of a person’s social media when they pass away. Not sure if I’d trust that though… After reading this, I’ll look into the possible avenues.
    I hope you don’t mind me re-blogging this. πŸ™‚

    Like

    1. Of course I don’t mind the re-blog – I’m honored! and also, relieved that you graciously said it would have been okay to put in your comments! πŸ™‚ So often, the community here inspires me so much, or triggers memories, that after slaving over a long-arse comment, I think, “Wow – what a moron I am – I should be a good neighbor and just do a post linking to this marvel” – πŸ™‚

      I think as security for various tools tightens it will become more prevalent for various services to offer, as part of your settings, a ‘back-up’ plan – I think I just took advantage of such a setting in Google, so my emails can be closed out, etc. – – and added the ‘Here’s the List of things to do when I die” – πŸ™‚

      Thank you for your kind words and re-blog – again, I’m humbled and honored – πŸ™‚

      Like

      1. I do believe you’re right – as the social media networks realize that the people using them are actually beginning to age it’s going to be that much more important to have a plan in place.
        So happy that my re-blog earned you some extra views and conversation – we really do have a great community here, don’t we? πŸ˜€

        Liked by 2 people

  7. That must have been awful loosing your Son and then not being able to get onto his My Space to moderate or answer messages ..
    Would I care if something came out after my death.. No. Would I worry if I read something after their death pre posted No.. For it would have meant to have happened like that..

    I have been thinking strangely .. Not that I am going to take my exit fingers crossed any time soon.. But I wouldn’t want people wondering what happened and why I was not answering them.. To leave a note along side my Will LOL.. Yes I have one..all legally bound .. πŸ™‚ with Password and instructions for my daughter to inform the WP family…

    I had a WP friend in 2012, she commented regularly she went under. but she stopped.. nothing and I too began to wonder had she taken her transition..
    When I was on Windows Live before I transferred my whole blog here.. a Friend on there died suddenly, Her daughter informed everyone and left her blog open with comments closed in her memory..

    And as you can see.. You are not on your own with the long replies, and I checked out Linda’s post too… πŸ™‚ Hope your having a happy day πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Sue – thanks for your thoughtful response and I don’t care if people leave long comments, but I tread as carefully as I can in the space of others, because I’m notorious for being a lazy-Like-button pusher and leaving 40 comments for someone in one day after a 3 month hiatus – so I figure, I’m already pushing the bounds of propriety – why tip the scales enough to get me run out of WordPress Town? πŸ™‚

      Yes, I’ve followed several blogs that I don’t know what happened, but I suspect – – This spring, I finally ‘unfollowed’ the blog of one who was battling cancer – and hadn’t posted in two years – I don’t know if she’s gone, but I sadly suspect she probably is –

      You know, I was prepared, somewhat, to deal with the tasks to be done after someone I love dies – the funeral – the arrangements – etc., but I wasn’t prepared for the little things that somehow became big things –

      I wasn’t prepared to see or respond or understand his friends’ social media postings, full of anger that ‘we pulled the plug’ on him so soon –

      I didn’t know about these posts until much later – thank god, because I’m not sure I could have borne it, at the time –

      It took me nearly a year before I was aware of those things – and I dutifully wrote out the entire story, so they would know why things happened as they did – and those of his friends who saw what I posted graciously shared it with their ‘sphere of friends’ who weren’t on the social medium I posted it at –

      I understand Grief – I understand the Forms it takes – but my little efficiency mind and desire to save others from the pain of my own painful experiences means I’m always on the look out for ways to approach the matter just a tad better than yesterday –

      You know how I love having several “back-up” plans – πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

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