Hang onto your britches –
For the first time in over a Week, I looked out my kitchen window to view a patch of blue sky, peeping out between friendlier looking cloudbanks –
And the story must be told – no matter how long your attention span or loyalty might be stretched to the breaking point…
Rain, Mud, Hail, Tornado, Snow, Mud….
Given my best knowledge, this past week’s Alert system for Eastern Colorado did not surpass the record set, in my mind, of June, 2011 –
- Severe Thunderstorms Warning
- Heavy Rain Warning
- Hail Warning
- Flash Flood Watch
- Tornado Warnings (OMG! It’s right over you, right now! are you in the cellar? WHY NOT?!? and why did you answer your cell phone?)
- Bridge/Roadways Washed Out
- Winter Driving Conditions
- Freezing Conditions
Vs. A Week in June 2011:
- Severe Thunderstorms
- Heavy Rain
- Flash Flood Advisory
- Flash Flood
- Winter Storm Watch
- Fire Danger
Yup – June 2011 still the winner in Conundrums –
How on earth can you be floating in your Ark, upon the Great Flood waters and possibly be worried about Fire Danger?
Maybe, the animal bay haymow was stocked with properly cured feed and protected from all the rain – but still got hit by lightening –
Or wasn’t cured properly before stacked and now is spontaneously combusting from the stress of human ‘it’ll be fine wet and green, hurry’ activities….
Who Knows? For Sure, Really?
I’m Oblivious, sort of..
I prefer to take the long-arse view of it all –
When I’m smart enough to…
Thursday Past Meant…
I finally chaffed, for the first time all long, grey, week, against the weather I didn’t order -School closures due to Mud I didn’t plan on – while, in betwixt, suffering man-child loud enthusiasm and frequent feeding needs intruding upon my “productive-work-week” space I had no advance-notice to proactively try to protect and preserve –
The weekly forecast indicated just rain – no spring blizzards –
How was I to know I’d have to tune out external distractions to my little version of reality so many times this week?
I am open to the possibility I don’t deserve a Mother’s Day Card or Gift – just so you know, I know….
The Hail Storm we had thus far been spared, all while our neighbors 4 miles north or 50 miles west, take your pick, were pummeled with and required snow plow assistance in order to rise above it all – this past week – finally visited my doorstep…
I startled to the sound of…
(too early for the 4th)
(how often does that, really, happen here, when no wildlife tags are in season?)
So scrambled to fling open the back door of my abode and then stare in fascination while ‘ball’ sized hail…
Cute, little, rubber ball-sized stuff which reminds you of the red, bouncy-ball included with a .97 cent pack of jacks –
BTW -does anyone still play Jacks?
OR golf balls…
though I confess to not knowing the exact circumference of a regulation golf ball….
I will Step Into the Danger Zone of Absolutes…
With some authority, mind you,
The Hail that arrived was bigger than peas I’ve ever been lucky enough to harvest this time of year or in July – and smaller than baseballs –
I’ve spent many years trying to Cool-Season/Spring Garden in Colorado and recently re-watched Moneyball and the History of Baseball –
I’m okay with going out on this publicly displayed limb regarding,
“IT was ‘this” big….”
Granite-Tough Hail Fell …
…and was not immediately identified by me as
(my own little made-up word to convey:
“NOT grapple, sleet, hail, rain, snow… C’MON!! WTF is it?!?)
Which Arrived From all directions –
Straight down, curve ball, slow-breaking ball, horizontal, vertical and any other trajectory or pitch you can imagine – –
Seriously, spend some time watching how hail, snow and rain arrives here in Colorado – you will gain a whole new perspective regarding the mathematics of baseball or weather and improve your CSI blood spatter investigation skills… all at one time…
Those rock-hard-missiles – forged and born in the menopausal strata of Heaven,
(It’s too hot! … no wait…It’s too cold…wait, It’s just right…nope! Freezing Now! Where is that Goldilocks Chick, anyhoo?)
– Tested my ability to hold my breath for 17 minutes –
While they bounced off earth – rebelling against the sudden, hard stop, I imagine – and bounced high enough to clear by a good 3 feet the 5 foot fence…
Or ricocheted off the hood of one of my vehicles, in order to come to rest a mile away –
Except When – vegetative greenery provided a ‘slow down’ safety net by sacrificing it’s own little photosynthesis generation machine, that modern solar scientists still haven’t been able to replicate with perfection…
Sob… look at the holes in my rhubarb-toxic-to-all-living-things-leaves…
Tell me, what does Newton’s Apple got that TamrahJo’s Hail does not?
Dare I even mention, Hail has outdistanced the Human Race in evolutionary survival tactics?
Just think about the long journey through heaven and hell, which ended in the statistically probable end game of a hard, jarring, abrupt, soul crushing, stop –
I dutifully deleted about 358 words of graphic prose regarding how Hail has outdistanced Humans in the whole “survive the landing’ evolution game….just to save us both some graphic pain regarding what we’d rather not think about…
Thank you for the gold star or nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize of (some) Restraint –
I’ll remember you in my memoirs…
I Briefly Considered…
…going out to move my two, 1998 make, liability-only-insured, vehicles within range of the protection provided by a 100+ year old pine tree and the north wall of a garage built in 1913 to store what I can only believe must have been a Model -A Ford, given the dimensions of the space…
But which now can only boast of a dirt floor replete with about 6 inches of dirt, containing rusted iron, nails and screws -(aka – Archeology Treasure Trove) and gaping, warped, side boards that still try to protect, and are forgiven their failures when they don’t -and encourage folks to get their Tetanus booster before tackling a project…
Could you stand strong in front of Nature and hold the front line at 100+ years of age?
I thought not…
Cost of 4 flat tires for one vehicle and 1 windshield replacement for he who was left outside the 100 year old garage-
Medical Bills for me for Concussion or Life Support needed and billed to loved ones…
…Depending on how big the hail that just slapped my brain silly against it’s own housing really was…
In the end, I calculated, via non-scientific methods, it less costly and more socially/fiscally responsible to just pray to Mother Nature…
“I understand why – I think – If I placed my bet wrong, Please send some work my way to help pay for my folly –
Thank you –
I have to say – Wow! No one can Kick some Arse like You do! Forgive me when I don’t get your vision..and whine/mourn in my little narrow perspective worldview –
Nothin’ against you – I just don’t want to deal with earning extra funds for tires/windshields/medical bills – right now….”
I Dared a Peek out the Other side of the House…
Prepared to Grieve… I am, after all, a realist (cynic….)
The Iris bed, due to my brilliance in project management or Mother Nature’s tolerant hand, was safely nestled under an over hang –
I watched hail ricochet off the roof edge and land into the bar ditch some yards away, where a jungle of fast growing prairie grass was in need of being cut down to size, anyhoo – cuz they are tough and tenacious – and gettin’ a bit big for their britches here lately…
AND, from my perspective, it’s been too wet to finish mowing/weed whipping those sturdy souls into some form of ‘pretty, won’t screw ya over with local code enforcement fines for failing in your good citizen duties –
The lilac bush was laughing –
“She hasn’t removed the old dead tree to the south – with a trunk spanning at least 4 feet, yet, cuz she’s still trying to figure out how to afford the removal price tag –
She put rammed earth tires to the east of me – she hasn’t yet rebuilt the roof as advised too – which, is taking the brunt of it all-
GO AHEAD! Make MY Day! Give It Your BEST shot! I’ve been here 100 years or more and have some new, tiny offshoots to protect –
I AM MAMA! Hear Me Roar!!”
the newly planted 75 fruit trees also spit into the wind with a brave,
“We are shorter than the plastic-won’t-compost-in-a-thousand-years rabbit-guards the landlady questioned, but installed just in case she was wrong –
Go Ahead – You Can’t Touch This- “
The 25 newly installed roses declared,
“We’re wild stock – You can try to drown us – our thorns Keep Thumper and Peter Rabbit off our back – we trust our landlady to hotly defend our Healing Space Boundaries.. for at least 3 years – should the worst case scenario play out – cuz she thought we didn’t need no plastic, rabbit-guards…”
Lest You Believe me Blasphemous or Harsh:
Mother Nature and I have these little conversations….
She hasn’t yet
…struck me dead by a well placed lightening bolt, in an area where it would be pretty easy to do so without risk to innocent bystanders, so I figure, she loves me…
Or, at least, tolerates my current level of understanding –
She takes care of Me, even when I’m Unreasonable….
She has dutifully informed the snakes and spiders living here to either move OR has struck me blind to their harmless, “I don’t want leave the Neighborhood” presence –
Seriously – only snake ever seen on this place was noticed by my human Mom after the flood of 2013 – I would have stepped right over it and been none-the-wiser, cuz Mother Nature does her best to take care of everyone, in this little area, given a multitude of different perspectives….
As an Aside
Cuz I still get my feeler’s hurt when others don’t grasp my time saving brilliant approaches to Life –
I had to endure some laughter/chastising from my human mom a little over a week ago –
You should know – My Thing is snakes – Her Thing is spiders – –
My Thing is Silly – She does her best to protect me from my silliness –
Her Thing is valid and I do my best to protect her in acceptable-to-me-ways –
‘Cause we love each other – even when we don’t “get” each other….
And you should know she gently, shooed/herded the garter snake trespasser of 2 years ago via a light-weight yard broom, cuz I pleaded with her to not visit Hell’s Protective Mama Fury upon some poor soul I see as the enemy, but is probably doing the best they can, for now, and might be a mama themselves
(I’m feeling generous, today, and we’ll ignore the fact snakes have been video-taped in the act of eating their own offspring…just saying….)
Mother/Daughter stuff has it’s challenges…
I admire those gifts my Human Mom has that I Do Not –
I’m blessed with her moxie…
Along with a gifted DNA strand from a stubborn, hard-arse Male she loved and put up with for over 40 years – and still misses – but Lord – she ain’t signing up for that whole road-trip, ever again…
It can get messy – trying to navigate all this stuff –
IT takes a lot of feminine-nurturing-love-tolerance-trust, just to make it through this Wilderness….
At least given my perspective – I’ll let you know if all the sudden, she starts blogging herself, in pure self-defense – 🙂
Back to Hurt Feelings …
I was praying and trying to herd a spider that wasn’t easily identified as Friend or Foe –
Who caused no issue for me, but caused some concern for one who can’t spring up from preferred rock-moving/weeding postures in less time than a well optimized website should load….
(Which is, I’m given to understand, is around .000287 nano seconds….)
Well – ya just gotta keep everyone alive and happy, whenever you can, right?
So, I herded/handled the crisis, all while whispering a prayer, out loud, within in hearing range of a witness –
(I’m a mama – I have the same ‘tuning into what I choose to hear’ gifts….)
“Can You please take care of this? The empty lot across the road is safer for them! Can you remind me if I’m needed for relocation efforts? Cuz seriously, no big deal to me, but what does that vast, no-mans land of gravel road look like to a spider? I get it – Ready to don my moving day coveralls and help ….as long as no one wants to kill me in the process – I still have work to do….”
Hurt my Feelers that my overheard prayer wasn’t properly appreciated for its attempt at balance – –
See? Mother/Daughter Stuff can be hard…sometimes…
I, in my own little favorite coping mechanism version of
failed the test of opportunity – and…
I lost my temper and snapped, less than a fortnight before official Mother’s Day,
“Well, it took me about 20 seconds to ask if Mother Nature could handle it –
SO WHAT if it doesn’t really WORK? What does it hurt to spend some seconds TRYING to see if it DOES?
Cuz if I’m right, do you know what a huge leap this is forward for all of us?!?.”
Huff – Puff – Righteous Indignation – which only those younger than the target audience, actually have the energy to engage in….
Then promptly apologized when I saw my lack of self-control had wounded someone I love –
- Who showed up to give their best –
- In the way they best know how to –
- Who briefly entertained the thought I might care more about spiders than them…
See? Hard to always make your way through this mine field of a thousand different variables – it just occurred to me, today, that she might have thought I cared more about the spider than I did her – – I’m trying to learn….
I have enough anecdotal data to Know…
I am blessed with not One, but Two Mama’s –
- Who do their best to love and understand me…
- Who forgive me my sins and ignorance…even when I make it really hard to do so…
- All while trying to protect me…
- While they enlighten me to the benefits of their way.
My Human Mom does her best to make sure I don’t have another stroke by accidentally coming within 10-foot-pole distance of a snake –
My Heavenly Mom ensures I’m Blessedly Blind to the fact some brave, determined soul is on a scouting mission for a non-flooded home, in enemy territory, sans personal, malicious intent –
As for the spider thing?
Well – still some tweaking to do regarding which Mom I keep the happiest, first – but think I’m closing in on a formula that might work for all –
Happy Mother’s Day…
To Both My Mom’s –
- You love, protect and look out for me –
- You do your best to guard me from my own flaws –
- Forgive me when I hurt you, because I either don’t know any better, or speak before I think –
Luv U Bunches –
From the very bottom of my little, spoiled-offspring, heart…