38 Hours and Counting…

…Only 34 hours left to go – till life gets better –

Nothing big, or earth shattering – I simply quit smoking yesterday morning, and the first 72 hours, for a nic-addict, such as myself, feels rather like hades on earth – without the heat – and ugly horned fellas (unless, of course, I look in the mirror….)

And this morning, a tad before the first 24 hours were up… I awoke to the dark, moist earth – kissed by heavy fog/frost – but a warm spring sun that left the birds singing to the heavens, and the ‘fresh as a daisy’ smell over my lil’ place –

Why I was surprised at how fast things happened, do not ask me – Spring surprises me every year, even though I should know better –

On Monday, I was gifted a belated Easter Gift – the first hint that I’d better be getting my sprouting potatoes from last month/last year in the ground AND be checking on weeding activities –

Spring Herald
Spring Herald

This a.m., I did some early weeding, and wondered, just why, none of the annual Welsh Onions, Jerusalem Artichokes or Wild Lettuces had shown up yet, while so many other things are waking up:

Rhubarb - not a big surprise - but still -where's the lettuce?!?
Rhubarb – not a big surprise – but still -where’s the lettuce?!?

And of course, I really ought to get my ‘winter blankies’ pulled off beds, but there’s plenty of time, and who knows, for sure, how many blizzards are left in the season?

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Irises with winter blanket not cleared yet

If the spring storms and frosts aren’t too heavy/cold, maybe I’ll have a tree full of purple, here, soon:

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Lilacs building their buds to burst forth in wonder!

Wouldn’t ya know?  The wild roses and golden currants planted last spring, around this time, are waking up, big time, already:

Wild Rose - no, it wasn't dancing, I simply didn't take a good picture! :)
Wild Rose – no, it wasn’t dancing, I simply didn’t take a good picture! 🙂
More of the Golden Currant plants that suffered from lack of supplemental water/weeding last July, while I recovered from the accident, actually survived, than I thought would - -
More of the Golden Currant plants that suffered from lack of supplemental water/weeding last July, while I recovered from the accident, actually survived, than I thought would – –

I would have taken a picture of day lilies and tulips – the native grasses starting to green up and blessing the land of beige and gray, I’ve looked at for oh-so-long – but when I went out to take pictures, this afternoon, to share with you the beauty of this morning’s ‘get rid of angst, by touching the earth…” – well – I had to hurry –

For don’t ya know – the it was cold and windy as the next snow storm rolled in –

WinterRollsIn0316

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Friday will truly be a big TGIF, this week – for the physiological and brain chemistry changes in the first 72 hours after a nic-addict quits feeding their habit is one, great, big roller-coaster ride – and no matter how good it is for me, ultimately, the first 72 makes me wonder who wants to live that long, anyways?!?

Thank goodness for Starburst flavored Jelly Beans – for you know, the dark ones are grape flavored – not black licorice –

Yes… I’m counting my many blessings…

Happy Hump-Day Wednesday! 🙂

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If Wishing made My dreams come true –

Today, BIG time, I was reminded, again, about connections, time, memories, connections – and how they all mean so much to this (yes me) human – from oh-so-many-connections!

And so, I share one of my fave songs – that I haven’t recently shared – because for so long, I thought it only spoke to romantic love –

That scary territory I’m still not healed enough to even think about venturing into to – and would, in the end, be a hypocrite if I wrote about, really – thought I….

BUT also, because no matter who labels what connections as ‘what”, today, during my ‘trying to get caught up’ with those I appreciate, ever so much, here and there –

I was reminded, once again, in so many ways over the memories of the last few months of my life, where others of the flock, said to me, in their own way  –

“You, right now, is who I would spend an eternity going through time with – cuz you’re fun to travel with!”

My own take on the matter, and still learning/growing, and I (and or you) might change our minds – down the road – but, for me, there is always enough time for the ‘important’ things in life, even when I, personally, forget the importance of showing up every day to cheer you, a beloved of my world, on, in your journey – do you know that’s how I feel when I realize I haven’t logged in and kept up with social media posts?

Did you know I take your cyber world life as important as if you were my next door neighbor?

Did you know, sometimes, even with my failings of time management, you probably know more about me and I about you than my nearest physical neighbors do?

I’m wondering – do you?  Cuz, I’m thinking about such things, just now – and wondered if you understand what a difference you’ve made – for another – recently –

Did you know you were that important?  Or are you just cringing and hoping I didn’t tag you in this missive that forever ties you, cyber wise, to crazy lady?!?  LOL

Either or all ways – You hopefully know who you are, and who I am – and ….

Thank you – for the gift of Time & Spirit you gave to me, today – all 3446 of you – (I exaggerate, but I trust you to know what I meant – 🙂

🙂

Wild Geese

Yes!

Teacher as Transformer

Mary Oliver is one of my favourite poets. I find her poems call me to spend time, reflect quietly, and read them anew many times. I think what I consistently get out of her poetry is that we are not alone in the world.

We live together, but it is not just a human world. It is a world full of other beings, objects, and roles that shape our lives and we, in turn, shape the world. Most of the time, our relationships with the world, others, and things is unconscious. The world exists out there somewhere in taken-for-granted ways.

When we are mindfull and present, we notice the world. Mary Oliver uses the words harsh and exciting, but we are not accustomed to the novelty that continuously emerges and, when it calls, it seems harsh. As we live more fully, the world calls to us and we hear it…

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Real

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I adopted my own version of real and reality many years ago – and didn’t until much later, have it eloquently put to words, via a documentary done in 1985 – which I shall paraphrase below –

(From James Burke’s “The Day the Universe Changed” series, opening scene, he stands with the sun coming up behind him…)

“Supposedly, someone once went up to the philosopher Wittgenstein and said,

‘What a bunch of moron’s people in the Middle Ages were to see the dawn every morning and think the sun was going around the earth, when any school child knows the earth goes around the sun and it doesn’t take too many brains to know that.”

To which Wittgenstein replied,

‘Yes, but… I wonder what it would have looked like if the sun had been going around the earth?’

Point being, it would have looked exactly the same.   We see what our knowledge tells us we are seeing and that’s what this series is about – how what you think the Universe (reality) is and how you react to it in everything you do, depends upon what you know about it – what we know today is different from what we knew yesterday – and we were different, too.  And when your knowledge changes, for you, the universe changes”

Now, I like to use ‘real’ and ‘universe’ interchangeably – and I like to learn more – so I can support the ‘real’ things I like in everything I do and find solutions for the ‘realities’ I’m not so fond of – 🙂

A friend and I were once talking about reality – she said,

“The more I learn, the fluid and ever-changing reality becomes – and, at times, it’s rather scary…”

And, yes, it is, but alongside the fear, lies also the hope of a better reality – and to me, as I expand my knowledge, I am better equipped to make my immediate environment a product of me and the realities I’ve embraced – AND to withstand the challenges when in realities I do not embrace – 🙂

What was the line from Robert Fulghum?  Oh yes, (paraphrased, though it’s killing me to not look these up to make sure they are exactly and properly quoted…  LOL – but Da Rules are Da Rules!)

“I guess that what liberation and freedom are all about – to be free of the things we don’t like, so we can be bound by those things we do…”

(You, too, can participate in Stream of Consciousness Saturday – hop on over to Linda G Hill’s house, get your badge and keep an eye out on Fridays for the Prompt!)

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Maybe I’m Narcissistic – Maybe Not…

Over the past few weeks, given my social media sphere – lots of shares/blogs/memes have come onto my radar re: The Narcissistic Personality –

So I dutifully went and checked out the symptoms – and, alas, I’m probably one – for two main reasons, given my own lil brain network –

  1. I often turn the conversation back to moi and my journey
  2. I’m certain I’m right and the flood of posts on this condition is just pre-cursor to Big Pharma pill that will cure this failing –

Yes, I engage in turning the conversation around to me and my experience in Life, often –

I REALLY and TRULY thought that by sharing and making myself vulnerable to ridicule/judgement, I was also reaching out to another who is struggling just now – with a topic I see how I’ve had some experience with –

Nope – I’m just an egomaniac – (these two terms are interchangeable, right?)

Secondly, I’m convinced when a whole bunch of things make their way onto my radar, either a lot of folks are hurting and/or a new product launch is underway –

I have my own little ways of gauging such things – maybe they are right – maybe they are wrong – maybe they harm, maybe they help –

All I can say is, until I’m aware enough to know where I’m failing – well, new stuff? That is up for grabs as far as hard data goes?

Well, I’ll experiment on myself and then tell you about the experiment if it comes up in conversation with you –

Even if that means, I’m always talking about myself – – 🙂

Just puttin’ it out there to the flock I already know I like to fly with – 🙂

Two different views on the Science of Persuasion – Short take, first, longer version, second – I have some angst with both takes – on different levels – but once I ponder it all – I will let you know – OR – I’ll make up my own preferred story and you can buy into or not – cuz, I may be all about my choices/experience – but I don’t insist you are too – 🙂

Tombstones

What is your message carved in stone for the long term?

This spring I’ve been battling my own demons –

Need to get the youngest off to college, cover the gap and budget to make sure he doesn’t graduate with so much debt- whilst he figures, not worth Filling Out 76 Scholarship apps -okay if some debt when he graduates, if he doesn’t get enough work-study/work hours –

I have been nagging said youngest’s butt about grades/scholarships/to-do lists when both he and I are fighting hard to not give into the terror of reality,

“You can do things right, not be breaking the law and you, too, can die after you graduate and before your 18th birthday” – cuz we know!  That kind of stuff happens – just as it did to my (oldest son/older brother), comin’ up on 8 years ago -“

No, don’t ask me why I’m adding extra stuff on top – I’m still trying to figure it out myself….

Yes – me and the man-child unit each have our own struggles this spring – and another one loomed on the horizon, recently –

For other personages, wouldn’t it be really nice if a proper tombstone was in place – for the oldest son – instead of the small marker?

And I think,

“Okay I have recovered enough, financially, I can do that – But since I have the space next to it, for me, wouldn’t it be cheaper to just get one stone to span them both, and cross my tombstone of the list for later, or someone else’s list?”

 

And so, I’ve been thinking about my own death – what works for me BUT won’t hurt those left behind shell-shocked from my obvious disregard for decorous/socially acceptable epitaph(s) –

I know what Morgan loved right before he left the plane of daily interaction with us –

Here’s the quote that goes on his side:

“While we have the gift of Life, it seems to me the only tragedy is to allow part of us to die – whether it is our spirit, our creativity or our glorious uniqueness” – Gilda Radner 

And here’s the one I finally decided upon,  to be smaller and spread around the stone that creates a bench/works for my side – cuz seriously, isn’t it nice to have a seat, when you’re visiting your loved ones?  So you can sit and visit for awhile?  Enjoy the birds, trees, sun, while you commune?

Storyteller’s Creed:
I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge.
That myth is more potent than history.
That dreams are more powerful than facts.
That hope always triumphs over experience.
That laughter is the only cure for grief.
And I believe that love is stronger than death.” – Robert Fulghum

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And I seriously don’t know why this post has lingered in perpetual ‘draft’ status, for oh-so-long –

Because both Morgan and I know, things change – and, seriously, someone, somewhere, has a sandblaster/chisel set – and will come to the rescue, just in case, we each change our mind about long term messages – 🙂

Before the Storm…

Yesterday, I brought my Mama Bear home, to the place I grew up on, that will soon, no longer be a place where I visit –

She sold it, last fall, in anticipation of retiring, moving north to be closer to my brother – a plan I actually proposed to her –

She has asked over the past 2  years if I was okay with selling – I scoffed, and replied,

“Yours to do with as you wish and not my say – but yes, if you need it, you have my wholehearted blessing to do what you wish, though if you sell it for land to those who only see it as an isolated/no one will care if we dump toxic waste,  spot, I won’t be able to keep my mouth shut….”

🙂  I’m trying, but still have a ways to go on keeping my mouth shut….

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Since the sale to wonderful neighbor who will care and loves the land as we do, last fall, I have found a thousand and one reasons to not drive 11

(count ’em 11 whole miles – that’s like, 2 kilometers, right?  YES!  I’m giving all my international bloggy pals a chance to laugh at my American ignorance – sorry – big push for ‘us’ to learn metrics in 3rd/4th grade – an ignored issue by time I was in high school, and seriously, I have a metric and regular wrench set – I still just have to pull each possible tool out, to try to find the right one – :))

Where was I?  Oh…Yes….

I recently, FINALLY! figured out why I’ve been resisting visiting and viewing the trip of 11 miles akin to getting ready for landing on the Moon.

Q. Why Do I say Good-bye in such an abrupt-ill mannered way?

A. It’s my coping mechanism of choice to say goodbye –

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There are things I deeply and completely love –

There comes the time for them to leave and new things to come in –

And the only coping skill I am currently blessed with is to ‘cut it off, hard and fast’ – until such time a scab forms over the wound and makes it possible for me to ponder on it all –

A scab that also offers protection, if you will, to re-visit the memories without thinking I’ll die from the hurt of doing so –

I still do this method of coping – even though I know better – even though it’s old school…

Maybe I’ll get better at this gig, this lifetime, maybe not – we will see how it plays out – (PS – LindaLiteBeing, you knew this post was coming – you KNEW I wouldn’t just be cleaning out old file/paperwork things – right?)

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At heart, I’m probably a hedonist – avoid pain – and I’m okay with that label bestowed by others, for now – I know what’s going on inside of me, OR, I’m pondering it to grow and do better – so …

Who cares? Really, what the peanut gallery says?

Buuuuttttt….

Duty called and I, in order to be the person I wish to be, found myself back on the ‘home place’, yesterday….

And so, I dealt with my own growth before I had scheduled to do so – (you would think I’m CEO of a Fortune 500 company the way I schedule things, alas, nothing could be further from the truth – LOL)

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Yesterday I traveled towards Home and saw the green of fall planted wheat/millet fields here and there, bringing the breath and hope of spring to a gray & beige winter landscape of surrounding range land –

I drove down the long portion of a mile lane  that was 100 yards long when Dad said I could take the mini-bike up it and not check in if I was out of sight for awhile –

And about 5 miles long when I walked it to keep up with my mom, cuz she said, I would ‘recover’ faster, if only I’d come out and walk the lane –

I noticed the pastures look better – good rainfall the last couple of years –

March 2016 Home looking North

I experienced the round, white moon, glowing against a dusk darkened blue sky to the east, as I watched the storm clouds gather in the west for our coming spring blizzard…

Moon over Prairie March 2016
East
March 2016 blizzard approaches
West

And…

I took a picture of the water can, long disused, because it hasn’t held water since I don’t know when –

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It still hangs, I believe, on the same old fence post of the corral it was hung on in 1986, when my BFF, Lori Z, spent the night after the local prom…

(which she attended with my BFF male friend from high school – he’s in Kuwait, just now….),

She took a picture for posterity -that me and mom loved – she got it – that water can on the fence post and all it represented – in the end. So here’s to you, Lori – what you noticed and took a picture of 30 years ago, still exists – 🙂

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Yesterday evening, I walked around the house and looked at each fond vista –

I remember where the old barn was – where the old garden beds, flower beds were – I marveled over how much the winds of time have diminished the ‘cliffs’ that seemed so daunting when I, as a child, looked at them and wondered how I would clamber up to hike in the summer, or sled down in the winter – or the dirt hill that I thought was huge jump, but is barely a dirt bike speed bump, now…

I did not visit the graves of those beloved pets lost to the winds of time – I just couldn’t do it yet –

I’m already freakin’ out ordering my son’s tombstone that will also span across the space next to him…

I KNOW his preferred quote right before he left this plane – I’m struggling with mine – who knows if the statement that has served me well for decades will continue to do so? Really? (Yes, I’ll post the info – in future post – )

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Yes –

I stood in the calm before the storm – soaking in the peace of the place in space/time I was born and raised.

I recounted the memories –

Re-vetted the big ones that are such vital parts of Who I Am,

Then tucked all of them away to be cherished and remembered, later, when life gets ugly and I’m lost, and don’t know what I should do or be – just now….

Because, Here, on the Plains of Colorado, if I stand real still, I can hear my Dad’s voice say,

“God is in the beauty of the plains and the laughter of a child…never forget that.”