Before the Storm…

Yesterday, I brought my Mama Bear home, to the place I grew up on, that will soon, no longer be a place where I visit –

She sold it, last fall, in anticipation of retiring, moving north to be closer to my brother – a plan I actually proposed to her –

She has asked over the past 2  years if I was okay with selling – I scoffed, and replied,

“Yours to do with as you wish and not my say – but yes, if you need it, you have my wholehearted blessing to do what you wish, though if you sell it for land to those who only see it as an isolated/no one will care if we dump toxic waste,  spot, I won’t be able to keep my mouth shut….”

🙂  I’m trying, but still have a ways to go on keeping my mouth shut….

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Since the sale to wonderful neighbor who will care and loves the land as we do, last fall, I have found a thousand and one reasons to not drive 11

(count ’em 11 whole miles – that’s like, 2 kilometers, right?  YES!  I’m giving all my international bloggy pals a chance to laugh at my American ignorance – sorry – big push for ‘us’ to learn metrics in 3rd/4th grade – an ignored issue by time I was in high school, and seriously, I have a metric and regular wrench set – I still just have to pull each possible tool out, to try to find the right one – :))

Where was I?  Oh…Yes….

I recently, FINALLY! figured out why I’ve been resisting visiting and viewing the trip of 11 miles akin to getting ready for landing on the Moon.

Q. Why Do I say Good-bye in such an abrupt-ill mannered way?

A. It’s my coping mechanism of choice to say goodbye –

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There are things I deeply and completely love –

There comes the time for them to leave and new things to come in –

And the only coping skill I am currently blessed with is to ‘cut it off, hard and fast’ – until such time a scab forms over the wound and makes it possible for me to ponder on it all –

A scab that also offers protection, if you will, to re-visit the memories without thinking I’ll die from the hurt of doing so –

I still do this method of coping – even though I know better – even though it’s old school…

Maybe I’ll get better at this gig, this lifetime, maybe not – we will see how it plays out – (PS – LindaLiteBeing, you knew this post was coming – you KNEW I wouldn’t just be cleaning out old file/paperwork things – right?)

**********

At heart, I’m probably a hedonist – avoid pain – and I’m okay with that label bestowed by others, for now – I know what’s going on inside of me, OR, I’m pondering it to grow and do better – so …

Who cares? Really, what the peanut gallery says?

Buuuuttttt….

Duty called and I, in order to be the person I wish to be, found myself back on the ‘home place’, yesterday….

And so, I dealt with my own growth before I had scheduled to do so – (you would think I’m CEO of a Fortune 500 company the way I schedule things, alas, nothing could be further from the truth – LOL)

*********

Yesterday I traveled towards Home and saw the green of fall planted wheat/millet fields here and there, bringing the breath and hope of spring to a gray & beige winter landscape of surrounding range land –

I drove down the long portion of a mile lane  that was 100 yards long when Dad said I could take the mini-bike up it and not check in if I was out of sight for awhile –

And about 5 miles long when I walked it to keep up with my mom, cuz she said, I would ‘recover’ faster, if only I’d come out and walk the lane –

I noticed the pastures look better – good rainfall the last couple of years –

March 2016 Home looking North

I experienced the round, white moon, glowing against a dusk darkened blue sky to the east, as I watched the storm clouds gather in the west for our coming spring blizzard…

Moon over Prairie March 2016
East
March 2016 blizzard approaches
West

And…

I took a picture of the water can, long disused, because it hasn’t held water since I don’t know when –

ZGirlU0316

It still hangs, I believe, on the same old fence post of the corral it was hung on in 1986, when my BFF, Lori Z, spent the night after the local prom…

(which she attended with my BFF male friend from high school – he’s in Kuwait, just now….),

She took a picture for posterity -that me and mom loved – she got it – that water can on the fence post and all it represented – in the end. So here’s to you, Lori – what you noticed and took a picture of 30 years ago, still exists – 🙂

************

Yesterday evening, I walked around the house and looked at each fond vista –

I remember where the old barn was – where the old garden beds, flower beds were – I marveled over how much the winds of time have diminished the ‘cliffs’ that seemed so daunting when I, as a child, looked at them and wondered how I would clamber up to hike in the summer, or sled down in the winter – or the dirt hill that I thought was huge jump, but is barely a dirt bike speed bump, now…

I did not visit the graves of those beloved pets lost to the winds of time – I just couldn’t do it yet –

I’m already freakin’ out ordering my son’s tombstone that will also span across the space next to him…

I KNOW his preferred quote right before he left this plane – I’m struggling with mine – who knows if the statement that has served me well for decades will continue to do so? Really? (Yes, I’ll post the info – in future post – )

**********

Yes –

I stood in the calm before the storm – soaking in the peace of the place in space/time I was born and raised.

I recounted the memories –

Re-vetted the big ones that are such vital parts of Who I Am,

Then tucked all of them away to be cherished and remembered, later, when life gets ugly and I’m lost, and don’t know what I should do or be – just now….

Because, Here, on the Plains of Colorado, if I stand real still, I can hear my Dad’s voice say,

“God is in the beauty of the plains and the laughter of a child…never forget that.”

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14 thoughts on “Before the Storm…”

  1. For me this reminds me of why I have in recent years bought our old family home as my place. I looked after my dad for many years before he had to go to a nursing home When he died the house was passed to my brothers and sister and as they didn’t want it I bought it of them. The house has significance as my great grandparents lived here in the 1920’s so its been in my family a long time……

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    1. There is such a beauty in preserving the memories and history of yesteryear, and holding true to the values we continue to hold strong to – 🙂 Thanks for understanding what I was trying to say, Cuz I had some hurt, even when, with the best of intentions, other people told me this post made them cry (and not in a way that made me realize, immediately, it was a good cry – I could be narcisstic and assume a ‘good cry’ – but ya never know for sure, whether true or not, for others – until stands the test of time – LOL – but yes, the land and strong foundations stand the test of time – even when a new, grander vision of such projects gets put forth – EVEN when, such proposed projects are rather hard to swallow, at such times, and why, I don’t like the ‘positive, live from your heart’ current (over a decade of selling self-help books, now, here, ) crowd – so very much – cuz I think there is a lot of the baby getting thrown out with the bathwater going on – but what, in the end, do I really know? LOL

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        1. There are only so many hurts the human soul can take, before they re-learn it’s safe to laugh out loud or cry in vulnerability, once again, as they did, without thinking about such things, before – 🙂 Just my current take on such topics – I recently fried out my solar powered keyboard, cuz I learned how to spontaneously laugh, again – UNFORTUNATELY – I had a mouthful of water/herb tea/wine mixture I still drink since the doctor (long ago left for something better) told me 4 years ago to drink a glass of red wine each day – LOL – ME! A beer drinker – but, can’t handle the sugar content of beer, anymore – nor the alcohol content of – and so – I mix/match until I can make up my own brew – my brew of choice? “That which doesn’t get me so messed up I’m a light weight arse, BUT allows me to be kind/understanding when confronted with things outside my understanding – ” Such a fine line to walk – one I frequently cross – cuz still fine-tuning the mixture – LOL – There ya go – feel free to laugh and see how much further along the journey you are than I – (I’m a narcissist, sort of – I still think I’ ‘right’ but open to hearing new data on my flaws – LOL

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        2. Most of us most of the time would like to think we are right and in that way maybe we all have narcissistic traits…..its our ability to step back when a different perspective comes our way and assess its merits rather than dismiss it by speaking louder and longer…..as for drinking that it is a work in progress speaks highly of your desire to get it right…..it could take a life time you think?
          As for your flaws, if you are human then like most of us you have plenty, but its those flaws which often can endear us to each other….that’s what i think though I haven’t been able to necessarily prove it in my own case….

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        3. I know my ‘distractions/tranquilizers of choice’ – may not be socially acceptable, but far as I know, still a preferred method compared to shopping till I drop and supporting the slave wages made by those who weave/sew such garments/shoes – OR buying protein products that support a method of eating that I find abhorrent – LOL – We all make our stands – here and there – LOL – I’m okay with me and my choices, for now, until I am not – BUT, I also know that I might grow and change my mind – and so, to me, ‘well, might as well say it out loud – either I’ll be proven wrong and/or, things will change, here, sometime – ” – either or, to my mind – but sometimes, my sensitive spirit really smarts under the questions put forth to me by those who propose to love me and my idiosyncracies – – funny Google tells me it is spelled ‘right’ – WordPress still says I messed up via red line – LOL – BUT, in the end – I have more personal, positive data saying, maybe I ain’t so far off base, though I might need some ‘tweaking’ than I do for anything else – cuz, in the end – if you can’t make the case for why I’m so wrong, I’ll keep doing what I do, until you can – which is why I still represent about 99.9% of the population, despite my best efforts! Water wine consumption, or not! LOL

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        4. We all have our choice of ‘distraction’ or as I call them our vices. For every one there is someone telling us we shouldn’t.
          If I listened to them all I’d probably be healthier but probably unhappy. You strike a compromise between what might kill you and what probably will.
          I have ask this question, what do I call you, since you know my name….if it’s a blog privacy thing fine I understand…

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        5. TamrahJo – that’s my handle, and my real first/middle names I was christened into this world with – and not sure why not showing up for you – BUT – willing to hear how my failure to get with updating program here in ‘free land’ is confusing – always open to suggestions/information – 🙂 Named after bilbical Tamrarah – cuz my both parents liked the name Tammy (from Summer Place) but dad went to school with Tammy who picked her nose and he just couldn’t bear it – Jo, in respect for my adopted aunt (and friend, community member who first welcomed my Mom to Colorado, who was christened “Josephine” but was known to those who loved her as “Aunt Jo” – me included – and, the Hebrew spelling of Tamar, Tammara, etc, might mean, “graceful like a palm tree” but I learned, long ago – my mom, a preacher’s kiddo, picked it out, dad filled out the birth certificate and turns out, he actually spelled it right – for me – – for I’m not graceful – what so ever – but Tam-Rah – is, in some eastern language translations, “Proud Girl” which, for better or worse, does still fit ‘me’ better than ‘graceful like a palm tree’ – one must seriously consider all the meanings, ramifications, over the years – eh? LOL – 😀

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        6. Thank you Tamrahjo, all that was a clear as mud ….lol……at least your name is a good conversation piece….
          It’s Sunday afternoon here and I have to go out soon.
          I enjoyed our chat…
          I’ll look for you next time you post, though hopefully I’ll post later in my afternoon.
          I enjoy the MLM prompts as I find them challenging…
          Take care

          Liked by 1 person

        7. Yes – clear as mud and still trying to trouble shoot – as I’ve gotten 13 reply notifications the past 1/2 hour, but each response to said reply takes forever to post, has more typos in it that I actually type AND local infrastructure doesn’t handle, late at night, here – often – I’m used to it – or maybe not – once I am able to actually view what got posted, via what I wrote/sent – I’ll let ya know – LOL

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    1. Thanks, Alohaleya, for visiting and taking the time to comment! Yes, I am holding onto those things that still keep me strong, or bring me to my knees from the beauty/awe of such things – AND recently learned, my best efforts to be positive and share positive, up-lifiting items, just results in making other people cry – remains to be see whether making people cry is my special gift or bane of human existence! LOL Waiting to see how history plays out – 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Good! That you remember! Cuz I wanted so much for others to see what a difference the ‘space’ they provided made for another’s journey – when often, what they provide, every day, in a myriad of ways, is taken as ‘status quo/nothing special/extraordinary!” – I beg to differ! for me and so many others! LOL –

          Liked by 1 person

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