Yesterday, I brought my Mama Bear home, to the place I grew up on, that will soon, no longer be a place where I visit –
She sold it, last fall, in anticipation of retiring, moving north to be closer to my brother – a plan I actually proposed to her –
She has asked over the past 2 years if I was okay with selling – I scoffed, and replied,
“Yours to do with as you wish and not my say – but yes, if you need it, you have my wholehearted blessing to do what you wish, though if you sell it for land to those who only see it as an isolated/no one will care if we dump toxic waste, spot, I won’t be able to keep my mouth shut….”
🙂 I’m trying, but still have a ways to go on keeping my mouth shut….
Since the sale to wonderful neighbor who will care and loves the land as we do, last fall, I have found a thousand and one reasons to not drive 11
(count ’em 11 whole miles – that’s like, 2 kilometers, right? YES! I’m giving all my international bloggy pals a chance to laugh at my American ignorance – sorry – big push for ‘us’ to learn metrics in 3rd/4th grade – an ignored issue by time I was in high school, and seriously, I have a metric and regular wrench set – I still just have to pull each possible tool out, to try to find the right one – :))
Where was I? Oh…Yes….
I recently, FINALLY! figured out why I’ve been resisting visiting and viewing the trip of 11 miles akin to getting ready for landing on the Moon.
Q. Why Do I say Good-bye in such an abrupt-ill mannered way?
A. It’s my coping mechanism of choice to say goodbye –
There are things I deeply and completely love –
There comes the time for them to leave and new things to come in –
And the only coping skill I am currently blessed with is to ‘cut it off, hard and fast’ – until such time a scab forms over the wound and makes it possible for me to ponder on it all –
A scab that also offers protection, if you will, to re-visit the memories without thinking I’ll die from the hurt of doing so –
I still do this method of coping – even though I know better – even though it’s old school…
Maybe I’ll get better at this gig, this lifetime, maybe not – we will see how it plays out – (PS – LindaLiteBeing, you knew this post was coming – you KNEW I wouldn’t just be cleaning out old file/paperwork things – right?)
At heart, I’m probably a hedonist – avoid pain – and I’m okay with that label bestowed by others, for now – I know what’s going on inside of me, OR, I’m pondering it to grow and do better – so …
Who cares? Really, what the peanut gallery says?
Duty called and I, in order to be the person I wish to be, found myself back on the ‘home place’, yesterday….
And so, I dealt with my own growth before I had scheduled to do so – (you would think I’m CEO of a Fortune 500 company the way I schedule things, alas, nothing could be further from the truth – LOL)
Yesterday I traveled towards Home and saw the green of fall planted wheat/millet fields here and there, bringing the breath and hope of spring to a gray & beige winter landscape of surrounding range land –
I drove down the long portion of a mile lane that was 100 yards long when Dad said I could take the mini-bike up it and not check in if I was out of sight for awhile –
And about 5 miles long when I walked it to keep up with my mom, cuz she said, I would ‘recover’ faster, if only I’d come out and walk the lane –
I noticed the pastures look better – good rainfall the last couple of years –
I experienced the round, white moon, glowing against a dusk darkened blue sky to the east, as I watched the storm clouds gather in the west for our coming spring blizzard…
I took a picture of the water can, long disused, because it hasn’t held water since I don’t know when –
It still hangs, I believe, on the same old fence post of the corral it was hung on in 1986, when my BFF, Lori Z, spent the night after the local prom…
(which she attended with my BFF male friend from high school – he’s in Kuwait, just now….),
She took a picture for posterity -that me and mom loved – she got it – that water can on the fence post and all it represented – in the end. So here’s to you, Lori – what you noticed and took a picture of 30 years ago, still exists – 🙂
Yesterday evening, I walked around the house and looked at each fond vista –
I remember where the old barn was – where the old garden beds, flower beds were – I marveled over how much the winds of time have diminished the ‘cliffs’ that seemed so daunting when I, as a child, looked at them and wondered how I would clamber up to hike in the summer, or sled down in the winter – or the dirt hill that I thought was huge jump, but is barely a dirt bike speed bump, now…
I did not visit the graves of those beloved pets lost to the winds of time – I just couldn’t do it yet –
I’m already freakin’ out ordering my son’s tombstone that will also span across the space next to him…
I KNOW his preferred quote right before he left this plane – I’m struggling with mine – who knows if the statement that has served me well for decades will continue to do so? Really? (Yes, I’ll post the info – in future post – )
I stood in the calm before the storm – soaking in the peace of the place in space/time I was born and raised.
I recounted the memories –
Re-vetted the big ones that are such vital parts of Who I Am,
Then tucked all of them away to be cherished and remembered, later, when life gets ugly and I’m lost, and don’t know what I should do or be – just now….
Because, Here, on the Plains of Colorado, if I stand real still, I can hear my Dad’s voice say,
“God is in the beauty of the plains and the laughter of a child…never forget that.”