Happy Easter

I’m not sure just where I’m at this Easter –

I know exactly, where I was 10 Easters ago – in all it’s vivid detail – not a good place as I said my goodbyes to my dad in stages in his final walk, here –

I vowed, I would never forget the lessons learned during that journey –

I remember the Easter after my stroke – when I thought, “What if I can never once again do that which I wish to, in the way I wish to – all at once, balls to the wall?  What if?”

I remember Easters spent in church and Easters spent at home –

I remember lessons learned, re-learned and reminders –

I remember my matriarchal line’s love of Spring and the promise of Rebirth in so many forms and fashions –

I remember charges of heretic and atheist, because I feel able to celebrate Easter on my own next to nature, at Sunrise Services outdoors, or in a church community surrounded by those I rather scare – because they think I don’t take the whole thing seriously enough – and, edge upon the blasphemous, when I don’t show up anywhere but to do what needs be done, right now, to work, feed, take care and or retreat from duty for one day, to replenish my soul –

This Easter

I sit, after a week of more ‘hit me in my heart, hits’ than I could gracefully handle and walk on in civility in to0-many-to-count instances –

All while celebrating the new Life of flora, fauna and humans that have shown up in my circle of those who share the celebrations of the miracle of life that showed up, again – –

And mourning with those who saw the miracle of new life snuffed out so shortly after it appeared – and battled or continue to battle for Life, each in their own way – for themselves or a loved one –

Across this wide and varied spectrum – I shall go to bed – so ever thankful for the hard week ending – for the graciousness, patience and tolerance shown to me today, that fed my spirit and reminded me, I walk not alone  -it’s a human thingee – apparently – at least until I come up with a different story or learn better –

It’s not that I don’t know that, ultimately,

But this week, as more various items crowded onto the radar of my world – as more around me exhibited the things I KNOW we all do when dealing with grief or stress, yet, hurt, all the same and tumbled me back, in my mind, to take a defensive position – which I couldn’t quite mask by silent retreat, calm statements that became less calm as they were repeated and not heard or misinterpreted  (enough to make me seriously crawl back into hermits shell – if ya can’t keep your mouth shut and your vibes carry, no matter what you say or do – ultimately…maybe ya ought to just retreat, for the good of all…)

Well – in the end,

Spring, Easter, Mother Nature, God, whoever or however you want to label it –

The calvary arrived –

I logged in here and found words of cheering, comfort and mirth –

I shared my work-in-progress place with new to me neighbors and a young one in the group spotted and appreciated the first ladybug of the season that was held gently on a small finger, for me to ooh-and ahh over – –

“Through the eyes of a child, my faith is restored, instantly”

A customer for in progress-project emailed out of the blue…

“I’m pretty sure I can send the stuff we discussed last week tomorrow, but I DON’T expect you to Work on Easter – no worries” –

And so, when the un-expecteds of Life piled up too fast for me to adequately deal with in an enlightened manner, (my tolerance and patience has been slowly eroded over the past few weeks) and had me retreating, ever further into my beloved coping mechanism of,

“Okay, tried to do it nicely, reverting to bull in china shop mode/fighting mode cuz ya blocked me off from any other route than surrender and seriously, ya haven’t wounded me that bad, yet….” and/or

“I can’t say anything nice or fair, from your perspective, so I’m just going to disappear, without words of recrimination…”

I pulled out both of these as my self-pendulum of self-improvement swings that wildly arc between what I’d I like to be, what I used to cope for years and what I try to see if it works a tad better, in the long run…

All I know is I have a free day tomorrow to play in the dirt – to commune with the flock of robins that I’ve admired over the past weeks when time permitted – to touch the ground and say,

“Sorry – I lost sight of what is ultimately important to me while trying to navigate the world I don’t understand.”

I will once again sing in my heart, to everything is a season, even when I wonder, yet again, how it is so many things stay the same, and yet, still surprise me, all at the same time –

For me, Easter never comes easy

– but after each one, in retrospect, it was as easy as I made it given my priorities leading up to it – and sometimes, yup, I just continue to do things the hard way…

For instance, I just haven’t quite let go of the fact that one who wished to ‘save’ me from my sin of drinking wine on Sunday (um, no, I wasn’t drunk, rude, or arrested, but, it was on my breath – while standing in me own driveway and talking) I still can’t get over the ‘advice’ that if I would just pray, just 10 minutes a day, my life would be so much better –

Seriously?  Cuz I pray to God, Mother Nature, etc., about every step I take, every moment of the day –

So yes, in my stubbornness, I’ll probably drink wine in full view of neighbor, while gardening (working) on Easter Sunday – If I get up in time for Sunrise Services on me patch of land, I might even see if I can cope with drinking a lil bit instead of my usual coffee –

Just to take the bull by the horns – as it were –

See what I mean about doing things the hard way?

After 2 weeks of trying to let this petty thing go, I’m still ticked – granted, down to a low simmer, now….and no action taken…

But I also know, not yet resolved, within me, to avoid one lil more thing from that corner, and Vesuvius and Pompeii will look like a spring shower, if/when it gets triggered – yet again – before I get it resolved within myself –

So I have ‘work’ do on meself, tomorrow, too…while restoring some semblance of peace and order to my place in time/space – while not trying to interfere with Mother Nature’s Best Plan, but being respectful and caring of what I’ve ben given – sheesh – I write this and it really sounds like more than I’m equipped to take on – maybe I’ll just sleep in and walk/sit in the yard and not do a durn thing other than to watch and learn…

The thing I can’t let go of is small potatoes….

Some things, to my mind, are too important to let pass by – what if the next time, they pick on someone more vulnerable than I?  Well, if I let them get away with it, they’ll just think it’s okey-dokey –

And so, I greet and give thanks for all the beauty in my world – don my armor to fight the fights I think ought to be fought, and try to listen when the Heavens show me in spades,

“Um…yeah…not what we had in mind, try again….” –

This week, I’ve talked extensively to those who are happy they can risk getting out – they just survived a rough winter and are greeting a spring they thought they’d never live to see, even though they really wanted to –

I’ve talked to others that are milking every minute of life they can from this spring, cuz they aren’t sure whether they’ll get to see the next one –

And, though I can’t talk to them, there are those that left this spring – I have only what they told me last fall, this winter, etc. to go on –

But in my heart, I hope they have found the eternal spring sought – and trust, God and Mother Nature paved a more pain-free path for them to walk than what they left behind.

Just like I wished for my Dad, and my Mom, 10 Springs ago – neither walked an easy path – one going and one staying behind – both paths have the blessings and the pain –

I thank all who showered my Easter Eve Day with blessings that cheered and restored me, to ease the ‘hard way’ route of pain I re-visited, during my own recent path – 🙂

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9 thoughts on “Happy Easter”

  1. I could surely relate to this post… it spoke mountains to me. And somehow, isn’t it that way that we feel – a little bit less alone when we find another who struggles or hurts as we do? I find messages from nature each day… and signs that help to re-focus on what is important. I too get hung up on small potato’s.. but someday we won’t my friend. We do until we don’t. Happy Easter to you… with love of course! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Living in Gratitude being thankful, Caring and fighting corners of the world so they don’t find themselves at the mercy of rip-off merchants, all sounds like a great crusade and pilgrimage to me. And was not Jesus’s supper table laden with bread and Wine…
    Love and Blessings TamrahJo.. Happy Easter returned xx

    Liked by 2 people

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