Been awhile since I’ve really, REALLY RANTED! here – but for the LOVE of all that is Sacred and Holy, to so many human beans, regardless of race, sex, nationality, fiscal status, political party, etc., I’m just going to put this out there, to see who see’s it the same way…
For ya know – I might be wrong….
#1 – “That’s Just the Way Things Are Now”…Is NOT acceptable answer for issues in need of solving –
I recently interviewed for increased hours/responsibility at the part-time place I really love working at.
I’m informed, it’s still the cultural norm to dress for the part, take it seriously, practice your answers, curl your hair, wear make-up, tell ’em how wonderful you are…etc…etc…etc..
Thus, I’ll tell ya how someone who hasn’t had this level of interview since my BS life (before stroke) – does such things.
Top Tips to Nail an Interview
Apply brand new-to-you make-up, the morning of, for the first time. (You had to buy new, cuz most of your existing supply was dried up or possibly a health hazard, it was so old. Try to ignore the itchy skin and watering eyes, OR act like it’s not really the make-up’s fault – it could just be the 30-40 mph winds gusting as the winter storm moves in.)
Use implements designed to burn your hair, your neck, your ear, your fingers, after the night of rag rollers didn’t achieve what you wanted to accomplish, all while knowing you face Colorado wind and a morning of shoving your hair back from your face cuz your hair has grown out from the super short bangs that weren’t your style and you didn’t want to risk a trim/chop job right before the interview, you left it too late for demanding an emergency appointment AND you promised the local beautician willing to take on your rebel soul and self-trimmed head of hair, you wouldn’t trim/chop yourself, as she works to try to get your mistakes grown out, trimmed and shaped into some semblance of order – –
Stop by store on the way to interview and buy men’s barber comb, Aqua Net hairspray, use the bathroom at interview site to tease and spray your hair within an inch of it’s life and make it look like you styled with INTENT! Tip: Don’t light a cigarette during your interview – you’ll just catch your Aqua Net head on fire. There may be another reason why not to, but can’t think of it, just now….maybe because you forgot to bring your wine flask with you… As soon as I remember why, promise to share –
When asked about about Fails and Flaws – tell ’em the honest truth – let them look under the hood of you – Head that Buyer’s Remorse off at the pass – You tried telling them = no harm/no foul AFTER they hire you.
(unless you are a sociopath or serial killer – then, figure me and thee have different goals but have to ask, just why is a serial killer interviewing? Is the Dark Web online payment processing getting hacked, too, and you now have to show up in person and audition, just to get securely paid in person?
Sigh, yeah, I hear ya, the whole internet security hits are interfering with my preferred way of doing business, like having 3-4 days in between cascades of security updates from server level down to the nth degree of details….
Hey! Ya wanna go into business together? I’m thinking “HackersBGoneRUs” might be catchy…shall I check the availability of the domain name? Do you buy domain names for the Dark Web? You’ll have to educate me – I only learned such things as a real Dark Web may really exist after reading a Jack Reacher novel…. Jack doesn’t lie, right?!?
Oh, wait, I was interviewing for job – not you – you are blissfully unaware of such things, most likely – I hear tale those who hire hits pay enough to easily finance your own security team…and this challenge probably isn’t even on your radar – never mind…and while I will question and wonder over your career choice, I do envy your security team back-up team….)
Don’t wear red just because it’s your mama’s fave color AND you heard it instilled a subconscious belief you are a power house go-getter, tiger – No, stick with the olive green, 10 year outfit you like.
Go ahead and toddle around on the 4″ heels you kept cuz they are the only thing that goes with that fave olive green outfit – no one cares you can’t walk in them without look like you’re trying to commit suicide via stilts – – In some circles, you survive the challenge? Obviously you are a go-getter and survivor of impossible challenges –
At end of interview, ask if it is officially over – They say “Yes”? Thank the team, sigh blissfully and enthusiastically put forth your, “Thank goodness!”, slip off the heels and walk out barefoot in pantyhose guard.
Risk ruining the pantyhose by walking across the decorative gravel landscaping to your car.
After you drive home in white out winter storm, breathe a deep sigh of relief for arriving home safely, leave those 4″ heel shoes over on the passenger floor board where you tossed ’em and what the heck? Walk across your gravel drive in those pantyhose – C’mon! You OWN the universe, just now – you didn’t kill yourself getting ready and you didn’t die on the way home – You ARE BLESSED!!!
(plus, the Mega sized coffee you sipped during the 3x travel time home, is in need of recycling – no time to mess with shoes, you’re just hoping you get your triple door locks breached in 1.3 seconds. If you had Jack Reacher skills and boots on, you could just kick the door off the hinges and make your way to the bathroom…)
Be sure, also, to bless the Universe as you change from interview outfit into your hand-me down sweatsuit from your son and put forth the wish, once again, that YOU REALLY did own the Bunny Slippers to put on – the ones you tease about working in – (sigh and then don your lumberjack style socks, instead, because you haven’t YET received Bunny Slippers for Christmas – seriously, took less time to get a real tool box under the tree )– AND then marvel, once again, at how there are no runs in those pantyhose!- Despite your best efforts!- It’s the lil things that make life fun…
*Have you noticed pantyhose, lately? Better life through chemistry has made ’em WAY more durable than since last time I wore them. Seriously, all it used to take to ruin a pair was looking at ’em wrong while jerking ’em on. (it could have been the jerking, but aren’t folks just mad at wearing such things? Why weren’t they originally engineered to stand up to angry jerking?!?)
I’m currently considering making a sling shot out of the interview pantyhose- maybe making the Y sling out of heels of the shoes – cuz, yes, I just seriously NAILED this interview – AND I can Nail targets with the sling-shot and I won’t need either the hose or the shoes future interviews – cuz I just sailed through this one, right?!?
Argue and question your boss during the interview – no sense him thinking a proxy or watered down clone of you showed up to do the interview for you….
Talk so long on multi-part questions, you durn near put the early bird worker interviewer to sleep – Prove you are versatile!!! You can work early, late, early bird or night owl – whatever works!
Pretend there are no trick, reverse- or-double-blind- psychology questions included in the interview, and scoff at such things when you’re informed you just failed the trick question – cuz, such things like double-triple espionage style things only really happen in suspense novels and Bruce Willis movies, right?
If the word “Humour” is included in the mission statement of those you are interviewing with?
Ride that instruction as far as you can, to prove you read it, get it – and will fit right in – then go about, proving it – over and over, until they either give up and hire you OR change their mission statement – 🙂