Yup, lost in new paths or old ways…not sure

There are times when I congratulate myself on re-assessing my life choices and still choosing the same ones –

If nothing else, I’m stable and predictable, right?  Those who confess (or previously confessed) to loving me, have never used the words “stable” or “predictable” to describe me….in their lifetime…. 🙂

On the other hand, I may just be a blind, entitled ole fart that yearns for my own remembered version of the good ole days…

(Not!  I readily confess, the ‘good ole days’  have NEVER showed up in my mind as totally free of NOT good, since my earliest concocted memories – ….)

I can always choose to take yet another run at the brick wall that stands before me, and will bloody my nose….

Or…

I can question myself on IF I really have closed myself off to Life being any other than,

“You live, You Die – Who you are, become, are remembered as, are all the choices you made in between….”

  • Even the rinky dink ones – those split moments when no one died, but you wounded a spirit, because you weren’t at your best –
  • Those moments when YOU think you know about how hard life is, but you really don’t –
  • Those moments when you encourage someone else to shut up before their pain overwhelms you to the point all you want in the WORLD is to shut them down, before you have to face your own pain…

These thoughts, all of these things…

….have been on my radar for nearly two decades – and I’m finally healed from decade ago hits, just enough, to have energy enough,  to be blue enough,  over the whole inner conversation –

Even when work makes me tired enough, to not be willing to fight, or give a crap about the fight…. anymore -Even when I wonder how I’ll will work up enough energy to even be ‘blue’ about something – –

Cuz, it’s a lie, you know –

It takes serious energy to be down and depressed – to my way of thinking – apathy and depression sucks the life blood out of you, JUST because it TAKES ENERGY TO SIT STILL AND DO NOTHING while you are attacked – from within or without, as case might be –

I still maintain – some battles are yours to fight and if you choose to turn your back on them, they will follow you to the ends of the earth -hunt you down and kill ya – ya shouldn’t have turned your back to ’em (pesky lil boogers…..)

Since I’ve had some rest the past 36 hours, sorta kinda,

I truly believe I ain’t resisting, so things persist -in my mind, I’m NOT, which means, so many well meaning people try to help – and I say,

“No, my battle with meself – please do not get in the way because I can’t guarantee your safety should you get between me and myself….”

However, I guess I AM resisting, because guess what?

I’m healed enough and walked the path enough, I now have NO Patience for those who fear doing battle with themselves –

I ABSOLUTLEY LOVE those willing to do battle with themselves –

And they are easier, quite frankly – they don’t expect me to show up and win the battle for them – all they ask of me is my ability to sit by while they duke it out with themselves –

I can do…that…at least – and I understand it…..

Yup – I’m rested up enough on day 2 of my ‘short staycation’ company footed leave, to run my mouth –

I’m ready to fight, once more -even if it’s myself –

To fight me, to fight our culture, to fight alongside anyone who is willing to wrestle with themselves, instead of fighting everyone else…..always calls to me –

For, the minute I lose long-term strength to fight – I seriously don’t know what to do with myself –

Apparently, I haven’t adapted or evolved enough to live vicariously through sitcoms or made for cable dramas – I get it – – truly, I do…. 🙂

But….really…didn’t I learn in my BS life (before stroke OR bull-sh*t,  life, take it how you want…) that expending energy on fighting such overall things was  just a lot of wasted energy?!?

That by fighting, all I was saying was

“Do what I want, or else?!?”

Haven’t I learned this lesson over and over, before?!?

Um…Yess…..

But doing things the ‘accepted, its-the-way-it-tis, politically correct, Victorian manners’ way takes….. OHHHHH….SOOOO….MUCH…..MORE…ENERGY!

In the end?

Less energy and better results, to my mind, still,  to be bull in china shop, speak my mind and let the chips fall where they may – –

I place my bets, pay when they fail – and I get tired of paying, over and over again, but, at least I, at long last have a glimmer of why, exactly….

This ole’ dawg ain’t really into learning new tricks –

Doesn’t work, to my mind…..:)  But, until I’m dead for 500+ years, I can’t tell you if I’m right, wrong or in between, really –

But I do hope you enjoy the below shares, cuz to me, each share shows those who chose to fight themselves AND fight the world, all at the same time and WERE willing to admit, out loud,

In the end, they were fighting/proving themselves, with themselves – –

To me?  The grandest fight you can ever admit to starting and sticking around in hopes of finishing, is the fight with yourself – 🙂

 

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2 thoughts on “Yup, lost in new paths or old ways…not sure”

  1. I loved this piece of self talk TamrahJo. I have been doing lots of inner work on myself recently.. Sometimes you just have to step back and look from a different perspective.. Hope all is well with you, as we do battle and win.. 🙂 xxx Hugs and take care of YOU. ❤ Sue

    Liked by 1 person

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