Dancing with the Devil

I logged in, because, doncha know, it’s once more tornado season here – and I recently sought cover, because the town siren warning said to and…well…there were kiddos who needed to be protected – what can I say?

I’ve worked, pushed, been idealistic, hoped for the best, while planning for the worst, all, these past few years – and yet….

Let one lil summer storm pass through, and I gnash my teeth that I am not free to go dance in the parking lot and get a concussion ….or dead….from the hail raining down –

Dark, right?  What did you expect with the title I chose?

(P.S. I also am not happy that my login here, after long time away, working and earning a living and such, found me HAVING to do stuff Gutenberg style – – maybe, I shall see if I’m allowed, here, to install the Classic Editor – I don’t need a ‘distraction free canvas’ here, all right?   Okay?” – sigh – – )

It’s tornado season, and this year, my oldest son might have been 29 – I could have teased him about forever 29, he could have been with me to help his brother celebrate his 21st birthday –

But he wasn’t – and somehow, forever 17 doesn’t ring as fun as forever 29 does – 🙂

And so, my writer’s soul thought, “What if?”

What if I wrote a series of novellas, in which each followed the ‘crazy lady in town’ who went about talking about her son and what he was doing?  At age 18?  at 23?  at 25?  and each was a different dimension in space-time, and it was all just in her world?

What then?

Well…nix that – because, after all, don’t we all live in our own lil slice of space-time?

And who has time to listen to all the other alternate space time views out there?

Lordy, Lordy – can I keep writing, or should I figure out how to ‘insert’ a block to share the siren going off to ‘seek shelter’ as some storm chaser blows through our ‘poke and clean’ town?

What?  You didn’t know?

“Poke your head out the window…

You’re Clean outta town”

We rural hicks have a fun sense of humor –

Okey-dokey, I know have scanned the screen, and find I can up my game by trying the new block editor –

But maybe not, just yet –

For, my heart is aching for words to come forth – and aching for meaning and well….

I’m in writing mode – finally!  Don’t distract me with tech, eh?

Yes, I was an evil mom…

I planned the entire 48 hours of the celebratory 21st birthday weekend for the youngest in the local ‘Sin City” – (it’s a gambling town, so booze runs wild, as long as it is metered out between 20’s shoved into the machines….)

We had fun – went to a play by the local drama troupe – actually, we met some of them the night before, when we hied ourselves up to the local bar/pool hall to drink/play pool, because that was more alluring than feeding the slot machines was – 🙂

We spent quite a bit of time chasing balls around the table, and I actually made a couple of combo and behind the back shots (to avoid having to learn how to bank the shots…  I haven’t grown in or practiced that skill, ever…..)

What did I learn from my weekend of being a careless mom?

My son is generous – he, in his fervor and happiness to experience the legality of it all, promptly bought shots for everyone, instead of waiting for them to buy him one….sigh – and I couldn’t keep up with him enough to figure it out…until too late….

My son is polite – He shook hands, introduced himself all night, and Lordy, Lordy, couldn’t he just be a politician?!?   He said yes ma’am, yes sir, and focused in on each person he extended a hand to, and told them how he appreciated the service they had given, and how he appreciated the hard job they have and how they are, in his mind, doing it admirably.

Yes, yes, I told him they know it well, after the first round of congrats – and they have to deal with drunks all the time (yes, I said this while trying to get him herded back to the room so he could pass out)

….and yet…don’t ya know, I was rather proud of the inebriated, young man who had done way too many goofy-woofy-who-knows-what-is-in-it, shots, even after I had told him, for weeks, “Don’t mix your liquors, else you’ll get sick – ”

Because he had had weeks of roughing it in ‘customer service’ land – and spent quite a bit of time getting yelled at by both customers and bosses – and so, does he go ugly?

Nope, he gives others what he wishes someone would say to him – –

Sigh….Isn’t that neato-coolio?

All this is what I was thinking of, while in duck-n-cover operations

Funny?  Right?  That as I looked at the two young brothers, hunkered down in the safe spot next to me, at my place of work, all I could think of was telling them about the two brothers I was blessed with as sons.

I told them about the night before my oldest was born – and the tornado that leveled downtown Limon, yet the low injury levels sustained…..

And then I told of the night the youngest and I hid in the cellar, only to come out before the all clear siren,  to see the grapefruit sized hail landing in the yard – –

When the hail hit the metal roof, I told them to close their eyes and hear the different patterns sung by the hail, the wind, the rain –

All while I imagined Morgan would be making some song out of it all and Nathan would backing him up on harmonics – –

Cause that’s what brothers do.

And tonight, I realize, I’m depressed –

Apparently – for I am looking back more often at what was, what could have been, what went before, than I am planning for tomorrow –

Quite frankly, this feels good, writing – perhaps I should plan for tomorrows where I write – lord knows, I suck at gardening – my landscape in shreds, after a Memorial Day weekend of trying to get it in order –

My neighbor’s victory garden (i.e. the one they feed themselves, their extended family and moi out of) has been hailed out 4 times this year – – and my rhubarb looking pretty frail – though it rallied on through the first 3 storms –

As I look around me, all I see is a mess –

A mess in politics, a mess in society – a mess in my garden –

And yet, in writing, the mess begins to make sense – Time and space melt away to only leave the beauty  of it all –

What was, what is and what can be –

Yup – I’ve been away for far too long from the things I love – I’ve been blogging in social media land, cuz I had to be there to do my job – and now?

After flagrantly writing in one block, despite the cool (?) new tools put in place to take care of the silly folks that dream of launching their millionaire platform in 2.5 seconds and 300 words or less?

I feel good – really good – like deep down, in my old, aching bones and heart, good – –

Time in this space, to make some changes, me thinks – I’ve strayed too far from who I am,  who I wish to be, for far too long, trying to ‘earn a living’ – 🙂

We will see which devil shows up tomorrow to dance with me….

And now, ta-da, I shall use the Add button I see, at the top of screen, to share a video uploaded by the intrepid storm chasers who blew through town, as the siren sounded, for what turned out to be, a non event, at least here and now, for moi – I think…maybe…

And…. I didn’t use correctly OR whatever – but here it is – see the cafe where I have lunch on work days when I decide to let someone else cook for me?!?

12 thoughts on “Dancing with the Devil”

  1. Its lovely that you are back Tamrah and feeling in that writing mood.. Its only natural to look back and wish those extra years for your son and to envision them together .. How you come to terms with such a loss is hard for anyone to comprehend unless they have lived through it like you have.
    So pleased to read your Son enjoyed his birthday and celabrations, and what Mom you are… Proud you should be..
    As to those videos and Sirens, thankfully so far in the UK we have not had tornadoes, only a few mini what they call water spouts.. lol.. But who knows with how the climate is behaving we could be in for a change, as Europe gets a full blast of Tropical weather.. Wish it reached out to the UK though.. Rain and more raind and only 12 C today..

    As for the block editor I have not clicked to explore either, so not looking foreward when it is finally enforced..

    Sending love and well wishes your way .. ❤
    Sue ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ahhh….you’re back! Good to see you here again, my friend. It would be interesting if we have tornado season in this part of the world. LOL! It’s sunny all year round with some rain….how boring! Btw, you’re no evil mom. I think you’re a pretty cool mom. And happy belated birthday to Nathan! Can’t believe he’s 21 already. Hope to see ya around. Keep writing! ღゝ◡╹)ノ♡

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nathan and I still have and cherish EVERYTHING you and the girls have gifted & blessed us with over the years! The physical things made and sent are as follows:

      Mine hang on pegs over my work space – to remind me of those who love me from afar! His are stored in his ‘keepsake’ box – he was so amazed the first time our ‘little care package made with love’ arrived in the mail” – “Really mom? These are for us? Really?!?”

      My bloggy pals world here, through comments, emails, pen pal correspondence and gifts made with love, was/is part of the ‘village’ that helped to create the sons iI am so proud of – :). For my connections that blossomed into friendship, here, is what proved to them all I tried to tell them about ‘finding your flock/family as you go through life’ –

      “Borders, continents, oceans, our political leaders, our religious leaders and/or our society may try to divide us – but I see ‘you’ and know, you are one of my ‘family’

      LUB from our household to yours! 🙂

      Like

  3. I am glad to see you writing again. It’s been a strange season here too… we ponder so many things, and we think we’re oddballs, but we’re not. No one is or maybe it’s more that we all are. All of these experiences, well, they’re meant to be shared and mulled over.

    There’s nothing more thrilling and anxiety-laden than those sirens screaming at us to take cover. There’s majesty and darkness in those clouds. The ice balls from gawd knows where are examined with awe and wonder. I always take hailstones as a sign that my garden wasn’t meant to be this year, or the crazy too much rain as a sign that maybe I should be thankful after a few years of drought.

    I enjoy your posts. Your writing is a gift.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ahh…thanks Littlesundog! I like your writing too, and am in works to carve out 2 hours in the morning to write, hours in the evening to read, comment/connect back here in the community – sigh – quote from the movie, “The American President” –

      “I got so busy trying to keep my job, I forgot to do my job” – 🙂

      That’s how it’s felt these past two years – I now KNOW where my true heart lies – where I can ‘do’ without breaking a sweat and, it seems, may have meaning for others, too, cuz, in the end, isn’t what each living heart/brain wishes more, when we face up to the fact of our mortality?

      i.e. “Um, yup, I get up each day, do such and such, but by gummy, it SHOULD have some meaning, if I’m going to be tranquil, at peace and and enjoy it, right?” – –

      There’s a lot of creative works and scientific works coming out about ‘life/meaning/brain/heart’ etc, and quite frankly?

      It only means what Life has ever meant, at least to me….”I want to know that for the short time I was here, somewhere, some way, I did make a difference, even if for only one other person – and, I would like to know, when I’m dancing with the devil, or sitting with my dark side, that I can write about it, not have a flurry of ‘worry’, just a ‘yup, this is part of life too, and not much ya. can do about it except not get stuck in it – ” and not feel alone when it feels like those around you are bent on ignoring the side of us, that we all have, if we’re honest, that says, “I’m tired, I’m not at my best, I’m wondering…Is any of this show really worth it?” – WITHOUT thinking the Suicide Hotline need be put on speed dial – – I’m rather tired of the social construct that one must always be happy/smile on/have a good attitude as a ‘resting point’ –

      To me? The good times and the joy and the meaning, ONLY have meaning if I’m willing to slog through the hard, the heartbreaking, the push ourselves to the limits, moments – THEN, each accomplishment, or goal met, or challenge overcome, or simple joy in ‘what is’ can be fully savored, for what it is, just now – simply because, we have consciously chosen to experience the times when it wasn’t so hot/great – – sigh –

      I think, at a soul level (?) all folks ‘get this’ but I see increasingly, a number of folks around me, and in business, and in social media land that think the ‘not -so-hot’ moments are to be forgotten and/or milked for what can be ‘got’ by sharing them – and the ‘great’ always shared and …

      Well, in the end, I just realized – “Ya know – this crap didn’t upset ya so much when you were writing, and saying, “Well, here’s the good, here’s the bad (challenge) and here’s the ugly (Yup, I’m not feeling to optimistic just about now….). LOL

      And so, if it harms none and one or two folks say, “awesome, been struggling with that meself lately” or “dude, seriously! ya know that hail can kill ya, right?” – or share their universe at the moment of space time and say, “forest fire here – which you would send some moisture our way – ”

      In the end, getting life re-arranged to quit just writing in Scrivener in hopes I put out a book or what have you…some day – for me, writing and connecting here in WordPress land is what keeps me going, really, in my soul – – not everything that crosses my ticker tape brain is ‘include in book’ worthy – but it does seem to be a way to connect with others that share some of my passions AND my challenges – and, in the end – isn’t connecting with each other really, in the end, all we have? 🙂

      thanks for reading and commenting – seriously, I was surprised, been so long, I figured every one would have given me up for dead by now – 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

        1. During my foray here to try to get ‘caught up’ to some extent – I visited you – – sending lots of hugs your way – and admire how you are walking the path of your life and what life brings – 🙂

          Like

  4. It’s good to see you back in Blogland, TamrahJo : )

    FYI I don’t know how… but I seem to have side-stepped the dreaded ‘Gutenberg style’ editor. I may have found a setting somewhere and hit the ‘go away’ button (who can remember?)… but I click ‘My Sites’ & scroll down (all the way down) to ‘WP Admin’ and click on posts that takes me to the Classic Editor. But maybe it’s just me…

    Oh and P.S. I also suck at gardening. And housework.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks! I was a little discombobulated (word of the day….week….month…LOL) when I logged in, been ‘away’ for so long – see the WP ADMIN all the way at the bottom – THANK you Anna!!! IF I can manage to get back to the world I prefer, without losing my jobs – LOL – I will use that link every time – – cuz, I think for pure writers, that add in pics here and there, the block model is just not kosher – I’ve actually been wrestling with it longer than the 6 months I gave Windows 8 years ago – sometimes, there is something that works, for your core users and messing with it to attract new/go big, just sort of tells your early adopters what one thinks of them – sigh – hoping Classic Editor plugin for my self hosted sites hangs around for a good, long while – 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    2. AND!!! It works – thanks for pointing out to my befuddled brain that didn’t look that far ‘south’ on the screen, figuring I was so long away the block editor stuff had just become the norm – sigh – Note to self “Carve out time, earlier in the day, to fully get back up to speed on the platform” – 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m so glad it works for you too. If it makes you feel any better, I went into a bit of a meltdown when I thought the old editor had been replaced… and it took me ages to find the workaround : )

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I find myself, between my day job at the library, and my side job as one who provides affordable websites for local groups/government out here in Rural, who cares? You have high speed internet service, right? Um noooooo….” land becoming two gigs that even with utilizing fewer tools than I can list on two hands, JUST a FULL TIME job trying to keep on every stinking update/bell and whistle they shove out – – starting to feel like a religious crusade, to me, this cyberland – “Convert! Convert! Or Perish!” – – LOL

          Liked by 1 person

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