Long ago, I referred to a line in a long ago written/published book by Victoria Holt – to the tunes of:
“Take, Take what you want.
Take it and pay for it.”
Sigh – this whole line has rather been the beat of an inner drum as I’ve wended through the past few weeks – on just about every front.
Not for just me, mind you.
It’s what I hear while reading or listening to another’s tale of struggle –
While good folks struggle with their own conscience – while they do their best to ‘do right’ and yet live with themselves and meet the external needs brought to their door step by others –
Those who are asked to do things their inner soul rails against, on one or another level – all while the cool hand of caution counsels them that perhaps, they should just follow their heart and ignore the advice of so many around them are vested in convincing them to actually do –
Been on my radar while/listening to shows of drama, comedy and documentaries in the background while I plow/wade/stumble through my own bog of daily life.
Been present while I read texts, social media feeds, personal emails, etc.
Increases as I view posted blogs, news articles on this front or another and always, while I read the early ramping up of ‘campaign platform’ rhetoric from many here in the USA as we move towards the upcoming 4-year election pre-games/season …
And always, the inner litany plays on –
“Take, take what you want and pay for it” –
All while so many takers throughout history appear to never really have paid for what all they took –
Some get caught during their lifetime, others do not.
Sometimes, those who take without ‘paying’ in one form or another, in externally viewable sense, pay in hidden from view, silent ways – for good or for ill –
And sometimes, folks keep trucking on thinking there is still a free lunch to be had, that life is easy if you just look out for number one, always, and it is, in the end, a zero-sum game, so get your own, while the gettin’ is good.
All these incongruent and seemingly disparate perspectives wage within me as every day, I show up – to either myself, to my close sphere, my community sphere or the world at large –
Every, bloomin’ blessed moment of every bloomin’ blessed day – and in the end?
I always come back to – “Here’s what I feel fairly confident at ‘knowing’ just now – though it may not be ‘true’ for all – but it’s affecting so many – and none of this growing storm bodes well for anyone involved, in the end as I see moving towards playing out –
And so, often I rather sit in the place of ‘advice’ given during an episode of the long ago series, The Closer –
And I often stand at the edges of the field and watch as the main players duke it out, while offering aide to those I know, on both sides, who limp off the field they got caught up in, bloodied and hurt and torn on.
And sometimes, the moment arrives, big or little, where I know –
I now must choose –
This (whatever) has gone on for long enough and it’s getting way out of the bounds stated regarding a local afternoon neighborhood pick-up game to burn off discord and petty rivalries – –
It’s scaling up to a battle front with hard lines and entrenched positions and the ‘neutral, safe’ area in between is shrinking by the day -and rippling outwards and affecting so many various and sundry things, to my mind –
Plus! Local bystanders are now getting hit by rampant shells/missiles launched, to boot!
Says I, here and there –
Self? Pick –
Either Choose a side or retreat from the battle field all together – but the time has come if you’re to live with yourself tomorrow or forever –
Self? You must choose – –
All to the beat of,
“Take, Take what you want and pay for it” –
Well, um, me taking is usually in form of wasting someone else’s time trying to listen, read or follow my long winded/rambling emails/posts regarding a thousand and one examples of how I see history proving that our shared current challenge is not so new and options explored or done to ‘fix’ haven’t worked long term, in the past, either –
I take that open window – run with and wait – to pay for such things –
I pay, often and regularly, for my continued inability to see where folks are – really –
I usually continue to believe folks are still in the space of
“I truly see our shared, in common values, I just disagree on how exactly to proceed”
When actually, I’m out of the loop/or intuition space and they actually long ago slid right over to and currently occupy the space of,
“Nope, I am entrenched, no longer willing to see any side but mine, cuz I’m mad, hurt, pissed, wounded and you just poked me in my sore spot by EVEN suggesting that I somehow had a hand in it or have any power to head off the coming war to be fought and now? YOU Too are MY Enemy.”
Yup – Bull in China Shop am I –
And I pay for it over and over in little and big ways –
Why do I keep repeating the same ‘drama’?
Well, because often, whether a minute, week or months/years later – sometimes, decades, out of the blue, someone, somewhere, takes the time to convey to me,
“I always remember when you told me (insert some loud mouth phrase by me) and it is why I’m here now, (or why I remember you fondly or it has always stuck with me, or it made a difference, THAT day, right then)”
And, in the end – the safety nets that protect me from the full ramifications of my dreaded folly of paying for the worst possible scenario I can imagine because I couldn’t stand on the sidelines and keep my bloomin’ mouth shut for another moment – well?
All those things do, in time show up more frequently than the prices I pay for ‘guessing wrong’ and being me –
The funny thing, in my experience since first ‘opening the door’ to the possibility that following my heart might not actually mean hell’s fire condemnation, for eternity, for daring to just be that I am, right now, is….
(oh..the irony of it all…)
The more time I spend wrestling with myself and sitting on the sidelines until I just can’t bear the dinking around and pain being caused anymore and just mouth off and say so – well –
The more quickly the lesson to be learned shows up and the less heavy the ‘price’ I pay actually is –
Until further notice – on any front you can name – my advice is,
“Take, Take what you want – Take it and Pay for it” — Just be sure you’re ready to pay the price whatever way it shows up, and be willing to adjust what you’re willing to ‘take’ or desire to take, thinking it for free, as ya go along – 🙂
If you cannot on God’s Green earth see how that line pertains to what you are struggling with – drop me a line or private email – pour out your tale of struggle – with your self, external forces – whatever – or blog about it – you know it’s likely I’ll show up and make some unsolicited comment – 🙂
On the other hand – the great thing about telling such things to another? to one not so so closely vested in the whole mess?
Well, they often say, “Okey-Dokey then – sounds like you need to choose – just now – not forever, not for always, maybe, but sounds like you haven’t been on the sidelines for quite some time – you’re already on the bloomin battlefield even when you don’t remember enslisting –
So are you over there beating yourself with your own sword/stick or are you blundering around the open portion of the battlefield swinging at air?
WHAT? Choose something to battle with or where you’re going to battle – if it’s just you, for the love of all that’s holy – come off the field to the medics tent, we are a cozy bunch and have tea and biscuits ready – – just rest then do battle with yourself within the safe sparring zone held by us –
If battle must be done? Okay then – choose and if you think I might be of aid – ask – and then…then…
I get to choose – whether to suit up or say, sorry, can’t manage 4 fronts all at one time – but there’s a regiment nearby I think might be of aid to you – – 🙂
From local happenings to global concerns and everything in between – yup – still commenting on such stuff, while folks think, “Well yes…duh! Where have you been?”
“Over here switching between battling myself and observing the field and just shaking my head – we humans don’t learn very quick, do we?” – 😀