Today, I attended the funeral of one who encouraged me in my writing dream.
He died before ever I even sent him one chapter of ‘first draft’ of the book he encouraged me to write – even though I thought, “not marketable” and …
Even though he said it was welcome on his reading table and he didn’t care how bad that first draft was.
Today, I stood by, on the fringes of the large community that made an effort on many fronts, to be there – to honor him, his life, and to let his family know, he was known and remembered fondly.
And all I could think of was what a difference he made on so many fronts, in so many ways….
For me – just little ole me – yeah, yeah, he did so many wonderful things on so many global – GLOBAL FRONTS!- mind you – but there I stood – and all I could think of was how badly I would miss his presence in my life.
I thought of the times when his short emails, or spoken words or written words could either make me soar with the eagles I had done something right, or vow, next time, I won’t let him down.
He never judged or scolded me for speaking my heart and sending flowery, long winded emails – or notes or letters –
He always let me know he had received and appreciated.
On work things? He always pushed me – found fault with various ideas – – always pushing me to ‘be better’ consider this, consider that….-
I shall miss that man. I shall miss everything about him.
I shall miss the times we argued on some fronts and he told me I was wrong or was missing the point.
I shall miss his kind-hearted ways that somehow, loved the soft parts of me that so seek expression and he was one of the few that read what I wrote when baring my soul, and said, “Thank you” or ” that was good…”
He loved the very parts of me that come easy and let me know I was loved, even while he held me to a higher standard on other fronts and pushed me towards reaching them – –
For me, it’s like I lost, again, today, my dad, all over again.
The funny thing is – we didn’t know each other that long.
And I wasn’t ever part of his inner circle.
And not my place to say such things or claim such things, without causing hurt to others.
And so I won’t – but – today – a very, very important mentor in my life, will no longer be around to laud or encourage me to ‘do better’ –
And another voice that made me who I am, now, is lost – and I thought, perhaps I had become immune to such things, through pure stubbornness in not ever getting that close to someone again….
Never trusting someone that far again….
And never, ever, shall I let someone see me cry, ever again – –
But you see me crying, now, don’t you, Mr. Mentor –
That’s okay if you see me crying –
And someday, I hope we stand together, once again, and I can’t wait to argue my point and then hear you say, “well, this was good, but you have to learn…..”
I’ll miss you.
Very, Very much.
Until we meet again –