I Shall Miss You…

Today, I attended the funeral of one who encouraged me in my writing dream.

He died before ever I even sent him one chapter of ‘first draft’ of the book he encouraged me to write – even though I thought, “not marketable” and …

Even though he said it was welcome on his reading table and he didn’t care how bad that first draft was.

Today, I stood by, on the fringes of the large community that made an effort on many fronts, to be there – to honor him, his life, and to let his family know, he was known and remembered fondly.

And all I could think of was what a difference he made on so many fronts, in so many ways….

For me – just little ole me – yeah, yeah, he did so many wonderful things on so many global – GLOBAL FRONTS!- mind you – but there I stood – and all I could think of was how badly I would miss his presence in my life.

I thought of the times when his short emails, or spoken words or written words could either make me soar with the eagles I had done something right, or vow, next time, I won’t let him down.

He never judged or scolded me for speaking my heart and sending flowery, long winded emails – or notes or letters –

He always let me know he had received and appreciated.

On work things? He always pushed me – found fault with various ideas – – always pushing me to ‘be better’ consider this, consider that….-

I shall miss that man. I shall miss everything about him.

I shall miss the times we argued on some fronts and he told me I was wrong or was missing the point.

I shall miss his kind-hearted ways that somehow, loved the soft parts of me that so seek expression and he was one of the few that read what I wrote when baring my soul, and said, “Thank you” or ” that was good…”

He loved the very parts of me that come easy and let me know I was loved, even while he held me to a higher standard on other fronts and pushed me towards reaching them – –

For me, it’s like I lost, again, today, my dad, all over again.

The funny thing is – we didn’t know each other that long.

And I wasn’t ever part of his inner circle.

And not my place to say such things or claim such things, without causing hurt to others.

And so I won’t – but – today – a very, very important mentor in my life, will no longer be around to laud or encourage me to ‘do better’ –

And another voice that made me who I am, now, is lost – and I thought, perhaps I had become immune to such things, through pure stubbornness in not ever getting that close to someone again….

Never trusting someone that far again….

And never, ever, shall I let someone see me cry, ever again – –

But you see me crying, now, don’t you, Mr. Mentor –

That’s okay if you see me crying –

And someday, I hope we stand together, once again, and I can’t wait to argue my point and then hear you say, “well, this was good, but you have to learn…..”

I’ll miss you.

Very, Very much.

Until we meet again –

6 thoughts on “I Shall Miss You…”

  1. It always feels better to write all of that out, before healing can begin. It’s like letting it go to the ethers… and you know that they know everything you feel and how you long for more of what you enjoyed. For me, it’s almost a telepathic thing… it can’t be put into words. I can still feel the depth of love for those who have passed, who were important in my life, even though years have passed. May your love and thankfulness continue.

    Liked by 1 person

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