Here about 7 weeks ago, I sat in my care provider’s treatment room….slowly and dully answering the questions put to me as best I could.
I had dragged myself in before that day, after long months – years? – of battlefields taken, held, retreated from – into the medics tent, seeking the help I finally admitted I needed, given I no longer had the strength or will to try and ‘doctor’ myself….but that day, was the day I hit rock bottom in such a way as for me to be fully aware of it.
I have been here, before, many times and though each time, I felt ‘lessons’ were learned, I have faced, yet again, the knowledge that such lessons are likely to escape me learning fully, let alone faithfully applying better in the future, for this lifetime.
Apparently, going full steam ahead until no steam is left in my adrenals is my chosen path, this go around. 🙂
Thus, over and over, I make my choice and pay the debt due when it is delivered in no uncertain terms, through enforced stillness.
There is, I’ve come to believe, a special Grace gifted once I have chosen to walk the path of doing and being far past what my soul, my mind and or my physical reserves are up to, and find myself in a dead end.
Having had periods of challenges that sorely tested my will, many times over my life, I learned long in my early 20’s to ‘surrender gracefully’ the things of youth – but I’ve yet to learn to stop before being forced to, though I believe I have reached the age when many in my circle would cry, “She certainly is old enough to know better!” 🙂
Even while I quietly chuckle with myself for not stopping soon enough, or recognizing the yellow lights that had long stretched in front of me as I insisted on putting the pedal to the metal – I again must sit in the quiet knowledge of the portion of me that is at once, my greatest gift and my most fatal flaw.
No matter how embattled or embittered I’ve ever become at any time – no matter what anguish lingers in my mind, heart or body, I gratefully sink into the relief that beckons in the quiet Grace to be had beneath the protecting blanket of ‘no energy left to do anything else’ and my mind and heart lifts forth in song – – a Broken Hallelujah that eclipses any thoughts of what doom and gloom may occur while I snuggle under the cover.
There comes a time, in all quests, that one sighs in relief, understanding they have done all they can do, for the moment, and for myself, the special grace to be gifted is one of the calming and total knowledge of the facts:
No where left to run to, nothing left to do, but what is right in front of one.
For now, I have only to rise and do what must be done for that day, and when tired – rest, when hungry – nourish, when thirsty – drink, for the body is a stubborn ally and champion for survival when the mind finds only obstacles and ambush or the heart has found it’s only solace in a blessed state of numbness, encased so well in the erected fortress of stone not much can reach it any longer.
Sounds Dark, right?
To me, it is not –
Rather, this is a haven I have visited well and many times before. It is the garden of peace where I am shrouded from all, while I rest and heal – where the wings of a Warrior Angel stand guard and shield – until I am once more fit to venture forth into the fray – restored and ready to carry that which has been given to me to carry for this life.
For myself, long ago, when driven to madness by pain I thought I could not endure, I realized, and was thankful for the knowledge, that I, for whatever reasons, have never been, even when give much opportunity, one to go ‘gently into that good night’ – nope. Even when my heart, mind and will cried out to ‘be done’ I would be blessed with sleep and open my eyes to discover I had not been delivered from the path I was born upon.
Lest you fear me depressed, I assure you, I am not –
I am merely worn out and sitting with the dark shadows of comfort, in the knowledge of my own frailties as a mortal and imperfect being, until such time as I can restore my energy, gird my loins and venture forth once more.
And so, in this year of so many challenges, on so many fronts, for ever so many –
I realized, perhaps, I should share with you a rendition of a song that that lifts my heart and spirit, so they may be better props for my body, in it’s depletion.
Like a healing balm, the words flow into my ears to soothe my mind and my heart at this, my period of ‘recovered enough energy to be restless at my slow progress, but not yet refueled enough to go forth in strength and stamina’
May you, too, whatever your trials and tribulations, be blessed by the Grace of the Broken Hallelujah…..