Opening the Door

There are many times in my life, where I walk to the door and open it – for no other known reason, on a conscious level, other than I find myself with the door open and must now deal with whatever is on the other side to be pondered upon further, later.

I really don’t know why I find myself, often sleep-walking, to the door to open it – in dreams, in real life, in metaphorical life – I just do sometimes.

One time, long ago, that ‘urge’ answered scared the bajeezus out of me, as I opened the door in the middle of the night to find a drunk male on the doorstep of the apartment where his long ago girlfriend used to live, and I, to this day! cannot tell you why, in the middle of the night, I got the urge to get up, open the door and look upon the night!

(It turned out okay – and is a story for another day…)

But I was recently reminded of ‘opening doors’ experiences in my life –

Experiences that encompass both literal and metaphorical ‘opening of doors’ –

Just yesterday, I interrupted ‘work’ to get up, walk to the kitchen and open the door and had done so before I was really, even aware of it

(In my monkey chatter brain, I was still sitting, working on figuring out a ‘better’ way of doing such and such on a website – then I ‘woke up’ to find myself standing in the open doorway and gazing out at the back yard.

Yup, I hear ya – it’s rather scary how lost I get in me own mind sometimes)

Oakley, the wonder dog, was not barking –

There were no sounds to ‘entice’ me to do so –

I was in the middle of working! for the love of all that’s holy!

There was simply no reason, that I can point to, for me to ‘get up and open the door’.

But I did and WOW!

I nearly cried in relief!

The local wild turkey flock that likes migrating around our small town (and whom the town website begs us “not to feed’, and all I can say is, I Don’t Feed! On purpose! I swear! Who wastes money on birdseed other than those living in apartments? Can’t we just choose instead to under harvest and call it good??)

Yes, the flock was right there for me to view and feel relieved over seeing it.

It feels like a century has passed since they last visited my place!

I “woke up” quickly enough to grab my phone, snap a couple of pics, and then came back indoors to sit and ponder upon the entire episode.

#1 Oakley, the wonder dog, never fails to intrigue me

She is getting older. Her cataracts are getting worse. This winter’s fronts moving through or colliding with each other has, despite my best deep broth with herbs in it, cooking for her and me, operations, has still been hard on our hips/joints.

Somedays? She lays wherever warm/comforting, and while she doesn’t immediately jump up to move out of the walkway, she does, often, lay so still, I figure, ‘maybe I can just carefully step over her’ and, still, despite all prior experience, believe I can do such things, without risking her scrambling up, tripping me with the end result of me falling on her….

Rationally, this ‘belief is, overall, such an insanity for me to keep repeating…. I know her history and our history together and after 10 years, why would I think she just magically changed overnight?

Yup, twice in the past fortnight (that’s 10 days or 2 weeks, right?)

I durn near killed us both, scared my son when I yelped (to save her from yelping I wrenched my back) and just a few nights ago twisted my ankle and still managed to pull her hair cause I didn’t ‘land my foot’ quite clear of her bushy, long winter coat.

What a ridiculous thing for me to think, given her and me, that I can ‘sneak by’ and get away with such things – I SHOULD know better!

I’m trying hard to nourish us both more and not repeat my insanity of ‘it’s okay, I can quickly step over her’ operations….

She has heard this promise from me before – she is not wrong in rolling her eyes when I pet, double check her and promise once more I’ll ‘do better’.

She’s heard it all before – but continues to forgive me.

Dog is God spelled backwards and I get to experience this live and in person, every time I’m an idiot in my own home.

#2 Why do I just mindlessly open the door? Just cuz?

Am I getting ANY better at paying attention? Even the slightest bit?

Probably not…but maybe…just perhaps….

I am connecting more deeply on a subconscious level and just don’t recognize it?

WHAT is it?!?! What?

But more importantly, to me, is:

Why do I continue to do this? Why? When I have memories in my brain that maybe this isn’t the best thing for me to do?

Me talking to myself

I can only surmise I do such things, still, despite past experience, because it turns out good more often than ‘not good’ and thus, the possibility of reward greatly outweighs the risk of loss.

That little thinking tangent trip didn’t take me long…..I’ve had long training in examining Returns On Investment on many levels during my life…

#3 What does Turkey represent?

Relief flooded into me upon seeing them. I pick apart and dig into my inner depths of brain, soul, heart, to ponder why such a huge feeling of relief washed over me upon seeing them.

I often ponder for pure entertainment – can’t help myself….there is always something to learn more about me or things to laugh at myself over – is that egotistical? Maybe, but I tired of being the ‘teacher’s pet/professor’ in school. Now that I’m in “adulting it” phase for a long time, I still strive to be the class clown – it’s more fun and I’m an adult can choose to be so, now.

Oakley was not barking outside, nor was she rushing inside, jumping up and down in her eager, notification to Mom way….

“Mom! Mom! MOOOOMMMMMM! C’mon! Hurry! Ya GOTTA come and see THIS! MOOOMMMMM! C’mon!

Oakley during thunderstorms, winter night snowfall, new feral kittens showing up, flock of birds in the driveway, lost FedEx driver who gave her a treat in hopes he could safely ask for directions, etc.

Nope no hype or notifications.

Instead, I wake up in the outdoors to see her calmly standing, with her tail down to not ‘startle’ the flock and doing her stand guard over them.

What does that mean? (oh, my fave question overall – even if I make up my own answers….)

She doesn’t just ‘bark’ for no reason, right?

Does it mean she is losing her mind to old doggie dementia when she is fine with the turkeys but not okay with most people personages that drive into the driveway?

Maybe…MAYBE her barking might mean most folks who come here are in high stress levels for various reasons and not at their best and she feels it her job to alert me?

Maybe she just knows I fear not, turkeys, but have gone deeper into hermitude from human interactions, or only doing them in a distanced way, because I WANT to hold the safe space for others, but this year has taken SOOO much energy to hold that space and put myself and ‘my shit’ into the background – sigh –

Maybe she is just doing her doggie thing and it is pure human egoism to believe it ‘means’ something in her world when I’m sure she doesn’t torture herself as much as I do, thinking such silly questions….

Perhaps I have quietly felt guilty that I haven’t made as much progress on my garden plans as I hoped to and the last two dry years during which I didn’t water things, had me worried I had ‘damaged’ the land through my inattention to the point of alienating Mother Nature.

For me? even if it’s garter snakes? (me no likey snakes, but still!) When the wildlife shows up all calm and ‘comfy’ here on my place?

I rather just breathe a sigh of relief –

Good enough for Mother Nature and her children? And everyone is playing nicely together?

Good enough for me…..

But….just in case…I’m missing something….

I’ll ALSO double-check….

Animal Spirits by Dr. Steven Farmer

Yes, I own the book, I own the tarot card set (which he signed because I ‘was led to open that door’ at the bookstore quite a few months before I even KNEW I would be invited as a guest to go to a week long retreat where I could take classes from him and/or even knew who the heck he was… I felt drawn to the box and thought, “hmm..I’ll purchase and see what is what…”

Oh, how surprised and pleased I was to show up at the workshop, with my card pack and during the lunch break, ask him if he would ‘sign’ them, while I told him the story of the magical breadcrumbs that led up to that moment in time that I hadn’t really planned for…at all.

He was kind, told me I needed to embrace Crow and Snake. Crow I sort of had been introduced to and realized months later how I hadn’t dove in deep enough and I should’ve listened better to all he was saying. Snake, not so much, but I did do work on getting over immediate, abject terror or frenzied killing/bashing, that meant garter snakes are safer in my home space, now….

I bought his book at the retreat.

I refresh my memory on Turkey Spirit

Turkey signifies both service to community/others BUT also the news I’m about to receive a gift of some sort – such as winning the lottery (or witnessing a beautiful sunset), among other things which didn’t ‘land’ fully with me.

Another broad feeling of relief washes over me – nearly as profound as when I opened the door as saw the turkeys in my yard.

I volunteer for many local operations on a weekly basis and I often witness beautiful sunsets/sunrises/nature, so I can only surmise, I must have subconsciously latched onto ‘getting a gift of material’ help, as I have been deeply distressed over shrinking income this past year, and wondering how long I can last if things don’t perk up here soon.

I’ve also wondered whether I have the energy/creativity to ramp up some brand new thing/option to earn $ from or should I try to make a living from becoming an urban farmer as first option, with websites as the side hustle, INSTEAD of websites as main/gardening as a side …maybe someday…option ….?

Historically and STILL! Farmers do not fare well, overall, in empires either being built or falling apart…unless their first name is Dr. Steven – – 😀

Yes! That’s IT!

I realize I have been worried over it all – worried over the fact that I often spend my ‘too tired/worn out to do quality work to move forward in website land or do one more webinar, training, get better at this or that, options, but realize too, I sink right into learning more about herbs, herbalist lore, cross-checking and double-checking garden plans, how to grow the nourishing and useful here, reorganize drip irrigation and area plans to conserve water, .permaculture systems and patterns,etc.

Perhaps I’m just in winter of the soul and yearning for spring –

But, let a flock of turkeys show up in my yard, and I ceased to worry about it at all…

On one level, I am back to resting in faith all I have to do is show up and do what I can, when/where I can and remember to rest/take care of myself, instead of worrying/stressing/burning the candle at both ends, which is, overall, what landed me in this long season of malaise/broken/stuck in the first place -and…

Walla! I took a nap in the middle of the day yesterday – 3 whole hours and I’m not even a ‘nap’ personage. But apparently I needed it even though I’ve managed to heal enough to sleep 9-10 hours per night –

One portion of inner me just KNOWS I’ll regret that wasted time sleeping, at some future point –

While another portion of me says, “Try it, you’ll like it, it’ll be fine!”

Sometimes my inner committee drives me batshit crazy – overall – oooh! so many options!

Sound Silly or Ridiculously Optimistic to you?

Yup – I’m open to either possibility. Especially since I can’t remember the last time I bought a lottery ticket….

On the other hand, I have long felt that “Whatever Works” is a good place to begin when stuck in the depths of ‘doing the bare minimum and who cares?’ cross-road junctures and I do remember/know this…for me….

If I’m low on energy, then I know at the depths of my cellular being that worrying/stressing isn’t going to bring me through to the wonderful land of insight, inspiration, creativity AND provide the energy to do what needs be done to reap material rewards from the society I live in….

So, any story I tell myself, after the story was just delivered to my front yard that says,

“It’ll be fine…get over yourself….”

Inner me talking to myself….

Is, for me, “Whatever Works” land for now.

At the End of “Thinking about it” I am reminded

Opening physical doors, often opens up inner doors for me.

And…well…..that’s good enough for me.

Any port in a storm, as it were.

P.S. – In cross-linking this post to ‘back stories’ I thought some might want to know more about – I was reminded to call on Antelope when stymied or stuck – wow! The door is DEFINITELY open without me having to do much of anything – really – except to open the durn door while sleep walking….

2 thoughts on “Opening the Door”

  1. Oakley may get up and trip you, but … we have an older dog that doesn’t move for anything except food. And she has taken to spending a significant amount of time at night in the doorway between our bedroom and bathroom. Invariably when I get up in the middle of the night to pee, that’s where she is, which really annoys me because she will not get up and get out of my way, which means I have to make sure not to step on her. Which involves opening my eyes and being way more awake then I want to be at 2:00 in the morning.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yup. She does that too. I just try and remember when I am sick she nudges me awake and hovers until i have made another cup of tea and taken my medicine. Before she lets me rest again. She is also the “on call nurse” when one or both of us are in homestyle ICU. She wakes us up to make sure we are still breathing and awake enough to stumble through self care operations. Still she does get an exasperated “for the love of gawd! Can i please just (do such and such) while I am half asleep and grumpy over not feeling good etc. and she lets me lie in the bed if my own making while she shows me whats what. Lol. Still when Nate and I were so sick these past few weeks she stayed right next to whoever was sickest and woke up the other if one was struggling. I try to remember those gifts when i am tripping over her….

      Liked by 1 person

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