My Urgent to-do list caught up, after 3 weeks of juggling priorities and requests that flooded in and I about lost my mind trying to keep all the balls in the air, clumsily juggling and hoping against hope, I didn’t drop any of them.
In sheer exhaustion and left with nothing in my head but the list of ‘cargo thrown overboard, until the rapids were passed, in hopes the cargo would survive it’s trip, down stream, intact….’
I ended last week catching up on personal letters, emails, newsletters, news feeds & social media.
Took me all day yesterday to recover from the journey….
Took me eating better/napping/meditating, most of yesterday and a good nights sleep, before I could make sense of the wild dreams from past weeks, and every little thought that showed up in my head as I’ve traversed the past 6 months, and assessed my actions done, in a hurry, instead of slow and ‘think about it, first” …
Just to wind my way through all the:
- Conquering the frustration and the fear for those I love….
- Gathering my courage to show back up and answer for my sins, in any place where in my own angst, I was probably too honest, too brash, too harsh, or asked too many questions –
- Asking questions is one of my things – cuz I don’t know/understand and how will I, unless I ask questions?
- On the other hand, the WAY I ask questions is often interpreted as “judging” or “complaining” or “arguing with” though I don’t intend it to be – –
But, I do know, when I’m under deep stress and busyness…. I tend to just go for the shortest route possible….
Even when asking questions…
Meaning, I just type or speak my internal world in short, terse, “Just the facts” as I currently see them to be….
Missives or words which are often not even fully understandable by and/or are open to all kinds of ‘interpretation’ on the recipient’s end, that causes more hurt than good.
I type/talk way too much, too long, too involved, simply because, I KNOW I’m not at my best, just now, trying to be kind, explain why I’m asking, but I don’t want to lose sight of getting ‘better educated’ on this topic or that, so best I don’t be an ass-hat while I ask, in hopes I get an answer.
Those long missives get lost in the inbox or feed, I’m informed, to never be responded to…
Despite good intentions or “seriously! I just don’t even know what to do with this right now!” operations….
Educating myself on the world around me, just as it is, now?
Breaks my heart….
Throws me back to the time & places where I walked similar paths….
Brings up old hurts and scars that I didn’t realize I hadn’t healed yet….
Then I descend into ‘sit with myself operations’
Just because – parts of me, the shit of me, just showed up, to be healed – and doesn’t always show up in all it’s glory for me to see BEFORE I hit the send button, or the post button, or ‘dial this number’ button.
Technology and gadgets strive to make life easier for me, all while…if it was a tad harder, maybe it would save me from myself….
No one going to force me to sit with myself…
No cliche or smarmy meme is going to fix me for me –
Nope, I have to sit, in my own manure pile, with myself, my dark side, my hurt side, my less than stellar, efficient, good side, and figure it out and choose, yet again, who I wish to be…
And then go about the work of making my outside match up with my inside –
Best as I can…
But…But…Splutter! This is who I am!
I learned a long, long time ago, I had a sensitive heart…
That me wearing my heart on my sleeve wasn’t a good choice….
That I needed to buck up, be strong, fight to protect the vulnerable, the sacred, the honorable…
I learned all these things from loving parents, both with sensitive hearts, who wanted nothing more than to protect me from the world they knew, really was.
And wished for nothing more than to protect me, but also educate me, to go forth into the world, less vulnerable than they were back then, and tough enough to survive what had blindsided them….
With fewer scars and traumas.
Either because they learned to block those events ever happening, or did their best to tell me how to avoid/protect myself when they were no longer there to do it for me.
I learned I needed to get better at…
“If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”
all while I learned that staying silent, often, is a Lie by Omission.
I learned that I should never start a fight, but also, to finish one another started, because,
“Some folks don’t get it until you deliver the message via a baseball bat”
I learned that questioning authority was okay, but only if I respected the office of the authority, while asking nicely, even when I couldn’t see my way clear to respect the individual holding that office on a damn thing I knew about them through personal experience or my observations.
I learned about the prejudice so deeply ingrained within my heritage, some get togethers I planned were not comfortable for all the folks I invited….
I also learned those who weren’t comfortable, were happy to learn I was being all they wanted/wished to be, but just couldn’t, just yet, overcome their internal history and world, to attend.
I learned about atrocities and the selfishness/greediness of humankind on some fronts, while other fronts, that happened pretty much the same way, but in different place or time, were not expounded upon, other than an example of ‘history repeating itself’.
I learned to trust the history of Civil War Battles told through the eyes of Gone with the Wind chapters, all while the true, long standing horrors of slavery were told, but not highlighted as ‘examples of’ within the same book.
I learned about the Trail of Tears, The Indian Wars, The Sand Creek Massacre, Total Warfare (Civil War, Western Expansion Wars) and the honor of the people on the losing side of the battle –
All while I was ALSO taught to not romanticize the past – that when two cultures clash, there will always be a loser and a winner…
And both sides, either on their own or in reaction to the other side, will engage in some pretty brutal and ugly behaviors, because they are doing what they’ve learned, already know and well…they want to WIN!
I was also reminded, often, that history books and archives are written by the winners or the blatant self-promoters, and to take it all with a grain of salt without corroboration and even with corroboration, best to just read and pick a side only when I’m fairly certain, I’m willing to fall on my sword for it, wrong or right.
I learned that skipping rocks on the pond was a skill, and the more skips achieved?
Just demonstrated my choice in choosing a rock, learning to hold my arm at the right angle, was improving in skill.
I also learned if it doesn’t rain –
…If I fill the pond with rocks….
The pond will disappear.
I learned that every time I work hard, to make things easier for me, protect what I love, there are always ripples in the ‘pond’ of the world I live in –
I’ve Rather come to the Conclusion, also…
No matter how much I desire to be of the ‘strong, silent type’ personality type?
Not going to happen – at least, not this lifetime…
I go quiet and silent when I believe that’s the best option possible for all parties involved –
Only to find out, if I’m quiet, no matter how long, those who love me best, and I love them best, worry mightily when I go too quiet for too long…
My story, my personality, really, I’m starting to realize, will never out grow “Chatty Kathy” heritage.
After half a century of this?
I decided to just accept it – as my label, my way of being, whatevs…
My only job, overall…
Is to sit with myself, still my heart and mind, look about me, observe, and choose which rocks I have or wish to sling into the pond…
All while, placing my bets, and knowing full well…
I may be the loser and will never get to tell the history of my story in a way that lasts, for good or ill.
But if I do not speak up –
If I stay silent or not try to see the other side?
I may be, in the end, lying by omission, supporting through silence or standing alone to lose….
I, too, get lost in my Heritage and Inheritances
In so many ways, on so many days…
I choose what to do just now…best as I can.
Sometimes I choose what’s best for me, what’s best for others, what’s best for many….
I just don’t and finally realize, I have to go back within to make sense of the arguments raging between my external world & my internal world….
Because, without quiet, choosing peace & quiet space, to sit with my own dark side, instead of raging against it’s external manifestations?
I lose my way.
I forget both who I am and who I wish to be.
I’ve spent most of my adult life going within in sheer safety & desperation, because, well, to me? Doing what must be done, today, to ensure continued survival of my body, to protect that which I love?
Somedays? Not a lot of time left over to just sit and think –
Or the only sitting with myself is full of admonitions, and judgement of me and my Life quests….
I simply HAVE to sit with my dark side, or the things that well up within, out of the blue…
I HAVE to sit with the dark side of the world around me, no matter how hard it hurts, because, well, it’s still a part of the overall whole and ignoring such things, only let them grow in strength.
There are things in my past that I thought were healed, simply because I haven’t thought of them for years….
The Hard Weeks?
Suck – for everyone and for me…
They drive me to my worst –
And demand that I MAKE the time….
To sit with myself and figure out, really, who I wish to be.
Therein, lies the rub…
I do my best to avoid such weeks, through planning and work…
Most likely, I engage in my own versions of manipulation in order to avoid the hard weeks, as well…
It is What It is and I’m not convinced I am somehow exempt from being an ass-hat…
There are times my heart bleeds….
I cry out for Justice to REALLY happen….
I learn how ignorant I am on various fronts….
All while not being fully aware of what I’m doing, just about now….
But the hard weeks always show up, anyhoo.
Whether I immediately recognize their gifts delivered or not…