Processing Delayed

With every passing year,
Possibilities abound for tears.

Seeping, gushing or blobbing.
Silently falling,
Or with loud sobbing.

Heart and Mind held hostage,
Aching for the freedom,
Only the Body can provide.

Processing delayed,
A choice to be made?

When mind, heart, body,
Cannot comprehend,
What just took place?

When hurt strikes,
So deep and profound,
Easier to ignore,
And Focus instead
Upon that which surrounds.

Others pleading,
“What shall we do?”
People to save,
Or things to protect,

Dreams to preserve.

Processing delayed,
As options parade….

What if I start and can’t stop?
What good will that do?
For anyone…
Including me…
Just now.

Processing delayed,
My choice is made.

Blessed numbness arrives.
Shored up by habits instilled,
Long ago.

Things learned through discipline,
Through training,
Via Fear and Coping,

Ah, numbness and habits!
My faithful friends.

Please build another wall,
To protect,
The soft parts of me.

Processing is delayed!
Today is saved!

Moment by moment,
Time plays out.
While aches and pains,
First nag,
Then wail,
And finally shout.

The volcano within,
Protected by stone,
Expands and rumbles.
Told always to wait.

“Just awhile longer.
Just till I’m a tad stronger.”

Processing Delayed,
I am Saved.

The body dutifully stores,
Toxic waste,
Until such day,
Release takes place.

The mind stores every scrap,
In haphazard places.
Covering what is needed,
Within so many spaces.

The heart dances in victory,
Behind fortress walls.
After conquering any who dared,
Ask or Demand entry.

Processing delayed,
A hellish prison made.

No pain can touch me.
No joy can reach me.

Processing delayed,
I am betrayed.

A body that stumbles
And falls,
Failing to comply
With even simple calls.

A scattered mind,
Cluttered with refuse,
Fails to quickly find,
Anything of use.

A heart that goes rogue,
And no longer hears commands.
But seeks meaning and companionship,
To hold hostage in its’
Fortress of Demands.

Processing delayed?
No longer can I find a way.

The world is determined,
To strip my fortress away.

Like a steady, slow rain,
The world around me.
Wears away the mortar of my pain.

Repairs made?
In dutiful fashion?
The world only delivers,
A bigger team for demolition.

My volcano is poked and prodded,
Growls louder every day.
As the fortress is breached,
First here, then there,
Attacked from every way.

And then?
Experts surround me,
And my beloved.
Talking low to one another.

While mechanical help is removed,
Or lines are added.

Sometimes,
The Universe is called for intervention.

All by those who choose to stand
On the precipice between
Mere Mortals
And the Divine.

Murmurs from those,
Who do such things, everyday,
Creep and seep into my fortress.
Through the cracks I can no longer seal,
Or defend.

While shouts of panic,
Long raging around me,
Went unheeded.

“The brain stem is gone, nothing can be done.”
Or
“Hail Mary, full of grace, blessed are thee.. pray for us…”
Or
“Do you see the back flow? Bless her poor, beautiful heart.”

A heart screams at me,
“Time to let go.”

A mind whispers,
“Those words not meant for you”

But I can no longer block any of it…
Or hide in my fortress,
Or tamp down my volcano,
Asking it to wait, once more.

My Body saves me.
The volcano blows,
The lava flows,
From my eyes,
My nose.

The explosion takes my breath away.
Rocks my entire being while the world stops.
I cannot breathe.

My Body kneels, in fetal protection,
My Body sways, in silent supplication.

While a mind frantically searches,
For grace,
Beauty
Gratitude.
And goes wanting.

Prone over the body of my love,
Love ‘lets go of me’

Processing delayed?
Can I please wait just one more day?

And in a moment,
I am blessed.

My heart opens to the feeling,
Of my love slipping away.

My Body jerks in aftershocks,
As walls within tumble,
And waves bigger than I,
Crash into me.

I dive deep into the oblivion,
Knowing full well,
I cannot breathe,
And I will drown.

Processing Arrives,
Perhaps, I, too, am to die.

My body flushes of debris.
And slowly,
Once more, breathes.

The world disappears,
All that remains,
My Freed Heart,
My Opened Mind,

Processing Done?
I Am One

My Body FEELS once more,
The still warmth,
Of my beloved.
Moving in an Eternal Dance,
With the pain coursing through
Every its’ every cell.

Tingling, sparking, igniting, singing,
In glory,
My Body embraces it all.

My Heart and Mind,
Follow My Body’s Lead.

My heart mourns,
The vacant space,
Where my beloved once joined me,
In my fortress.

All while it drinks greedily the peace,
That floods over walls of rubble.

My mind, devoid of clutter,
Cleary sees,
Focuses with calm,
Upon All that Is.

Without full understanding.
And no desire to know.

Processing Long Delayed?
Is rarely a choice now made.

No matter the pain,
No matter the hue and cry,
Putting it off,
Carries a price too high.

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