Label it, name it, diagnosis, here and there…

I’ve been accused of resembling this or that…Rheumatoid Arthritis when I was 22 became lupus or chronic fatigue, mercury poisoning from past dental care, over-fluordiation of care & water supplies (again, past dental care, my parents sacrificed mightily to pay for and provide for me what they never had as kids and public works/infrastructure fronts), fibromylagia, endometriosis, fall out from youthful treatments of hormones, working women’s syndrome from one who GASP! Started child bearing too late or too early (first child born about 3 months before my 22nd birthday) …

I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, High functioning ADD, Bipolar, PTSD, workaholism, alchoholism because I had a beer or water wine every damn day, poor diet, poor, lower class status, essential minimum wage worker and/or one who never recedved or earned higher education past 12th grade public education certificates & the stressors determined by those who had PhDs in their fields, were CERTAIN, was the cause of my laziness, heritage of laziness and short-life span doom.

Have been given medicine to get well and go to work when some time off to rest and heal would have less fall out of ‘issues’ later….

Also given prescription only versions for pain, depression and/or lost will to live, for a time, when time and space to just ‘check out’ of the rat race for a bit would have served me better…

Have been accused of lack of religion, too much religion, failure to acclimate to professional environments or meet social norms for traditional environments -all at the same time.

Have been here and there, given what is seen as preferential treatment or survived not fair treatment, all because I’m female, white, raised Christian, self learner sans any front on most places that ever, really, rewarded me here and there for simple fact of, “I fight and work for me and mine – this is what it looks like, for today” – and was born/raised on the cusp of time where the American, Betty Homemaker standard of Strong Womanhood, wife and mother, was being tossed out of norm, and many fought for me to believe I too, should I dream and wish to do, could be a warrior, a soldier, a leader and vote on it well or slave 16-18 hours a day, 7 days a week and arrive home to someone who kept the house clean, had a meal ready and fetched my fave drink, pipe and slippers and didn’t bother me about their day and struggles, but merely made sure they took care of me and my little needs, always –

I have been mentored and enriched by crusty ole male farts, and male warriors that just chuckle when I argue with them, but teach me when I ask…

I’ve received lessons from wife and mothers who never earned a wage working for anyone but their own family, household and future generations, as well as women who had PhDs and were given the opportunity to get an education and work their career just as long of days, and sometimes more, for the outside world, by husbands and family members who filled in for them when they couldn’t be there to attend to hearth and home.

I’ve spent times where insurance and ‘responsible parent/healthcare’ trends demanded I cart myself or mine off to the Dr’s office or ER or Urgent care ….

All to often sit and wait for 7-8 hours until our ‘worries’ were deemed not important enough – but fall out if I DIDN’T Do, risked going to jail or worse, losing a child, for being a ‘neglectful parent’ –

Broken collar bones of young folks who required 5 different interviews with various folks to determine if the break happened due to child hood play or if me/my spouse were actually child abusers who needed put in jail….

I’ve sat beside the home bedside of loved ones who faded ever more from this life, frustrated in my ignorance of how to bring them comfort and relief from pain, all while told ‘no, nothing else to do, your only job is to provide comfort for them as they die, but we won’t help you when what we promise will give comfort, if you do in in this amount, on this schedule” fails, hour in, hour out, over and over….

I’ve done rescue breathing and CPR all while chewing out the voice on the other end of the line, saying, “LISTEN! YOU ARE ON THE WRONG CARD for Emergency Medical Dispatching help! There is a pulse but no respiration – They are breathing, heart is beating but they are unresponsive….” etc.,

Sheesh!!

I’ve yearned for and reached towards the space where I will slip the ‘surly bonds of earth’ only to discover, the ‘answer’ is, over and over, from both heaven and warriors who serve to preserve life, here, ‘not quite yet, you can’t go yet, we’ll not allow you to give up yet……but do not forget what you learned while you reached for the heavens….’

And, in the end – it all compiles and comes together to leave me more and more understanding when folks say, “lived through this, survived that, was diagnosed with this, I suffer from that” all while I personally, for me, say the same things, all while ALSO saying,

“Not an excuse, just head’s up on where I am, right about now….”

And over and over, where I’m at, just now, forges into to new territory, revisits old territory of the past and sometimes? Just frustrates me on the repeating cycles that so many seem to think is ‘brand new” and to me?

It’s not new – just another cycle coming around again – for me, my country, my world, Life itself – or Death calling on other fronts….

But often?

I whisper to myself and whatever God may be out there listening to my whisper, too….

“I’m all of these labels and diagnosis, and also, none of them….Until I know more – either take me out or give me the strength to carry on…”

For, the older I get?

Take me out or Give me Strength to Hold on, are the only two absolutes I cling to –

But I have that luxury of not dying young and still having a mind that doesn’t forget my past –

Thus, for today – no matter how badly my knees hurt, no matter how much my mind continues to race on this front or another, or how much it struggles to find a way through on this or that front –

No matter what my heart celebrates or mourns –

Cries out for or lauds –

It just doesn’t, in the end, matter much, for one more day – other than – will I wake up tomorrow to do it again? Or will I be gone and somewhere, perhaps, assessing whether, for one day, I told the truth as I see it, have lived it, for good or ill – for help to others, or in damage of many?

What, for now, is the NOW? of me and those around me?

I’m both blessed and cursed by the never ending repeat of ‘wake up tomorrow to stay tuned and find out….”

:D.

And yet, Knowing it, is Owning It and well, makes it easier for me to live with it all – or die, to leave it all behind….

6 thoughts on “Label it, name it, diagnosis, here and there…”

  1. Nice post… lots to ponder here. All of these labels we carry, I sometimes wonder if they hinder us a lot. We accept the label and it becomes a reason or a crutch to lean on when we need an excuse. I look to nature and the wild things a lot. They live in the moment and struggle to survive. They simply accept change as it happens, and allow death when that time comes. All of these procedures and pills, and other’s ideas of living a normal life, isn’t my idea of living. Fear, escape and blame keeps us bound to unhappiness and not accepting the experience for what it is – living. It denies us the opportunity to feel and embrace the moment. We make our mark in the world by living bravely, and being open to whatever comes our way.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes. I guess while i was listing out all the ways others had labeled me or had decided they knew what my problem was I lost making that point succinct enough. That labels are just labels and as long as folks focus on the label or the symptoms or results instead of moving past labels to truly live well it seems like the cycles just repeat maybe with new label but repeat none the less. Only 1 of the listed diagnosis above was actually true if me. The rest were shown to be false once simple things every day were changed or improved And my body was nourished. Thats why I am compassionate when someone tells me what their Dr said but I also encourage them to not just accept it and quit seeking answers. Especially if the treatment being given isn’t helping. Many diagnosis seem to me to be nothing more than trending labels and wax and wane in tandem with new pharmaceuticals on the market at times. To my observations

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I agree with you entirely. I haven’t been to a doctor in a couple of decades. We nourish our bodies and stay healthy. I think Forrest has been twice to stitch up wounds doing work here, but accident happen. We move on – still taking care of our bodies intuitively. I’ve actually seen people try changing diet and lifestyle and benefit from it, only to go back to pills and “an easier and more convenient way of life – eating outside of the home and taking a pill or ten”. They admit diet and lifestyle changes made a difference but it was just too difficult to maintain.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. For some folks it is due to restrictions in time or money if they cant find a phased way to implement. If i wasnt one who will go without sleep to read and research i might not have found the way either. But it is even harder today to weed through the variety of books systems and options. It overwhelm folks

          Liked by 1 person

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