After running the experiment of doing nothing but spewing my own thoughts, without referring to anyone else’s work, I found I had nothing….
Well, not quite true….
Nothing, but 4 draft posts ….nearly 20,000 words and lots of ‘possible drafts’ of divergent thoughts and tangents, to explore further, develop, refine….
I was worn out enough to not have even the slightest yearning to begin the editing process… so they will just sit and I’ll muse/stew on them for awhile – maybe re-read them in a month or six…..
Therefore, I am breaking my own rule (the short term experiment is over at the other social channel, anyhoo – results interesting to me, but nothing definitive to share that is of use to anyone else I figure…).
Alas, the past week or so, found me with several ‘changes’ sweeping in – some of my own making, some out of the blue, some not wholly unexpected and others???
Well, I will just share Robert Fulghum’s words, as he says it better in his opening to “All I Really Need To Know I Learned in Kindergarten” and how his life Credo came about:
The inspiration for brevity came to me at a gasoline station.
I managed to fill an old car’s tank with super-deluxe high-octane go-juice. My old hoppy couldn’t handle and got the willies-kept sputtering out at intersections and belching going downhill.
I understood. My mind and my spirit get like that from time to time. Too much high-content information, and I get the existential willies-keep sputtering out at intersections where life choices must be made and I either know too much or not enough.
The examined life is not a picnic.Robert Fulghum, Author
I Get the Existential Willies, too…
Usually when too much deluxe high-octane information comes into my world (on purpose, cuz I was in research mode…) coupled with human stuff that just shows up via surprises, re-connections, conversations, etc….
I nearly drowned in such things last week – and by Sunday afternoon?
I was pooped – went to bed and hoped for a better morrow – –
No such luck –
Woke up with body, mind and spirit in not the best of places.
Cue the Existential Mega Funk…
Which is what I just ‘do’ once in awhile – I’m certain astrologers, therapists, counselors, naturopaths, nutritionists, genetic researchers, religious leaders, my friends, my family, could ALL give you the ‘reasons’ why I do this/do this to myself -and they would all be simultaneously right and ….um….not quite right on target…to my mind, though I’m open to observations….
The Phone Rings….
And the only reason I get my arse up out of my chair where I’ve retreated from computer, work, research, to find refuge via being a drooling, brain dead mess while movies I’ve watched before play out on the boob-tube (TV), and I proceed to get lost further in the swamp of my own mind….
….is because I recognize the ring-tone.
It’s the one that rings when one person in my contact list calls from any of their assigned work, home, mobile numbers.
Yup. His ringtone is his, and his alone, in my tech world.
“Hey Babes! How are you?”
I try to put some semblance of energy into my greeting – I fail miserably. I wonder if I could have pulled off “Snickerdoodle” better?
I’m tired, I’m in a funk, but I hear his upbeat voice, can tell he is calling during his break at work, and reply, “I’m fine – rather in a funk, but okay. What’s Up?” when he asks me how I’m doing.
Our shared language is to tell the truth when asked how we are – because we both know when the other person is lying, or omitting, anyhoo, so it’s an exercise in futility to lie about it, from our point of view.
Ahh…but I somehow managed, despite overwhelming odds, to not destroy the sensitive/empathic side of this youngest son, during the years I was in charge of him and his growth.
He picks up on the cues about how bad it really is feeling to me, right about now – all from my voice…
Isn’t he just amazing??
(that’s mama bear pride speaking. He is the one topic where I never even attempt to practice humility, other than saying, “Nope, all him. Had nothing to do with me, except staying out of the way best as I could, to not mess up what came to this world as perfection and despite my repeated failures to do so, he still turned out great!)
“Well, needed to ask ya something but that can wait…What’s going on with you?”
I give him the usual, “Overdid it on various fronts, rather discouraged, just in a funk – talk to me and tell me what’s up with you….”
This is what I do when I get really discouraged and worn out – I just shut down and figure what good is talking about it going to do?
Listening to others instead of my own inner committee of pessimists is a relief!
Plus, between mid-day Saturday and Sunday evening? I had talked and interacted with others more than I had the prior month. That takes a lot of energy, ya know….
What’s more – he knows this about me. And like a good friend, he just does what I asked…
He fills me in on holiday schedule at work, when he is returning to working 6 days a week, his invites from various places, and wonders – what’s me and our kin in Wyoming’s holiday plans?
….and I tell him I don’t know, most likely won’t know until last minute and he should make his plans, as he wishes, or if he can wait on RSVPs and wants to? That’s okay too, but seriously, just do what you want to do, babes… I have no answers and…you know we can have our time together when it works for you/your schedule.
Because him and I?
Well, we just get together whenever – via long calls, meeting for lunch, emailed shares of funny stuff, music, the clip from some dystopian cartoon, the drop by, and we manage to celebrate any holiday, with foods we love, together in the kitchen, whenever the mood strikes – sometimes we even make up our own holidays/celebrations.
Thus, we are each other’s safety net against the ‘must happen on this day, at this time’ society we live in –
He says okay, he’ll let me know.
We tend to take each other at our word and what each say – we have plenty of manipulative, ‘my way or the highway’, ‘if you loved me…’, guilt trip 101 style things around us, on various other fronts, that stress us both out, hence, we try to keep that crap out of the shared & sacred place known as ‘our relationship’.
He adds, “Let’s pick a day and I’ll just take you out for a meal, unless you REALLY, REALLY want to cook.”
I miss my roommate – we had fun fixing meals together in the kitchen.
On the other hand, eating out with him is fun too.
He’s one of the few people who take me out to eat that I don’t suffer embarrassment over the ‘never worked in front line customer service menial labor job’ dining companion who is high maintenance, tips poorly and nothing is ever ‘good enough’.
Yup! You Got it! When I’m in a funk? All my judgy, biased sides come up, too.
We exchange our LUBs (Luv U Bunches) and before he hangs up, he ‘reminds me’ –
“Mom? Just call when you’re ready to talk it through, okay? “My son, my best ‘adulting it’ friend, who knows me OH so WELL, especially when I descend into the status of a toddler throwing a fit instead of taking a nap in the Universe playpen!
2.5 seconds later….
The email hits my inbox – a music link – to a song he loves that cheers him up – and he’s sharing it with me, in hopes it might help me, too….
Ahh….Instantly, my little funky, curmudgeony, Grinchy, shrunken heart busts free AND my mind and spirit wake up, appalled at how I could have forgotten the beauty that surrounds me….
I don’t listen to the song.
Instead, I get up off my lazy-no-good-arse, assess my physical woes, mix the ingredients for massage oil in ‘a little bit of this, for that, hmmm…that smells good, adding that…” fashion, get settled back in the chair and set about giving myself hands, feet, scalp and ear massages while watching Disney’s “Cruella”.
I remember I have an Estella side and not just the Cruella side of me.
I go to bed and hope for a better morrow, and give a prayer of thanks for the Universal Kick in the Pants to nudge me out of the dark pit of my inner swamp.
Physical pains? less. I’m encouraged and repeat the self-care recipe and routine of the night before. Take care of the few work requests that come in – and then…THEN?
I listen to the song sent.
It is beautiful to my ears.
I happen to like the way Starset blends their music and vocals – I often love the stories their songs tell – not always a true fan of their videos, my old eyes sometimes have trouble keeping up with the special effects, but, I really like they put the lyrics right in the lower left corner of their video releasing me from the need to go look them up….
I only know about Starset because of my son – I doubt I would have ever stumbled across them all on my own…
I listen to it again – just to listen – not reading, not watching, and while I listen, I let my mind wander through the heavens above, instead of the teeming swamp full of vipers.
I think about the profound changes astronauts have reported to their inner psyche once they view our home planet from far away….
I think of gifts from earth in form of plants, seeds, oils that support and heal me and make it easier for me to give myself reflexology self-care….
I think of all the health and spirit care providers, who over the years, didn’t just heal me, but also educated me on ways to help myself, while they were ‘doing their life’s work’.
I give thanks for my sons, who never fail to remind me of all the good and beautiful, and who also, don’t run away from me and my ugliness when I get lost in my existential willies and/or funks.
I give thanks that I have one son left who can still call me here on this plane.
I give thanks for the memories and lessons learned from my son who is no longer here to txt, call or give me crap or make me laugh.
So I’m sharing this all with you, including the song.
I’m full speed ahead, on fronts where I can dive in and do without needing to learn more, as my point of re-entry. No sense in giving myself a set-back….
I make journal note to remind myself how I recovered more quickly this time, than I usually do when the existential willies show up….
Thank you All that Is. You sent all the other things this past week onto my radar for some purpose, I imagine, and then sent exactly the reminders I needed, when I got overwhelmed with it all, had no clue what I needed and no energy left to figure it out for myself.