Staycation, Moisture and….

After spending about 3 hours with my son on May 14th, and reporting in on my lack of self-care failings on the 15th, I waded through the 16th and the 17th, to find myself, the evening of the 17th again in massive pain, with fever so deep, I could feel it in my bones.

Son, for first time, out a total of 10 tests since 2020 (for work) test positive for COVID (test 18th, got results on 21st) –

So, me in my ‘in and out of reality’ way of being, quit feeling bad about staying home, and telling everyone to ‘stay away! caught something not certain what, but it’s horrible!” – Why?

Cuz, doncha know? If it’s COVID you’re a hero for staying home – if it’s strep? Ah, well, get your meds, and get your arse back to work, don’t ya know….


Felt better on the 22nd – overdid(??) or was just the eye of the storm –


My oh my! How much happened while I just stumbled through linear time while staying in my house the past 2 weeks… as of tomorrow.

While I was sleeping….or trying to ‘sleep through the worst of it’

Moisture Arrived! Many inches of wet, wonderful spring snow – only shoveled away about a 2x3x3 foot area – and good enough! the rest melted in over the next two days –

May 20-21st this year….

Good thing I got sick! Otherwise, I, too, would’ve been tempted to start ‘planting out’ things, before I should have….

Headlines change from Pro-Life to Pro-Choice Back and Forth, dependent upon latest breaking news….

Yes, I will comment on such things – as Pro-Life seems to only count for some folks, some of the time.

Last I checked, every state has a law on the books regarding truancy – meaning, if you are a child? You need to attend a school or test competently if home schooled, and for many? Public School is the ‘only choice’ for many children.

And….there’s the crux of the problem – to me – for both sides of the partisanship political sides/arguments –

Neither one seems capable of really keeping to either Pro-Life/Pro-Choice overall things, but seem to cherrypick and choose on this topic or that, when, where, who and why life is more precious here, than there, at this age, than that, for this group or that one, when we should fight to preserve and when we should not give two figs about it –

Thus, both sides, continue to leave me rather cold and not that impressed, with their overall dogmas –

Humans seem Born to Be Incongruent

Funny, but I was careful to not txt/call my son but once a day check in, and then WAIT for his reply – in case he had been able to sleep….

My mom would txt to check in if I didn’t txt ‘gmornin’ at least once a day – and say she didn’t want to wake me up, but both I and She would FREAK! if more than 3 hours went by, without an answer -she, more than I, I like to think – 😀

And yet, if the Reaper had appeared at my doorstep or my son’s, what would others txting non-stop/calling non stop have accomplished?

Probably nothing – and yet, whether for the connection with each other, or to focus on someone else for awhile, or to assure ourselves at least one place/person in the world is okay, for now, we txt/check in on each other – worry if too long a time goes by before we hear from someone…

While I silently prayed for either ‘get better, or kill me already’ I don’t care which…

Another of my extended family walked the final miles in their life. They chose to not try and outrun the Reaper, anymore – The effort to breathe, eat, drink was too much. And so, another of the branches of my family tree, who came before me, is pruned and I will not be there as they are laid to rest, like she was for me and mine, when we said goodbye to our loved ones.

All things became crystal clear when I was sick…

The things I had been pushing so hard on, resisting or grousing over faded into nothingness while pain wracked my body and nothing resembling my fave way of sleeping showed up for days –

I learned that much of what I strive for, push for, work on, in fact, will get done and if it has a typo in it? An error? Someone will let me know –

And people are KIND when I say, “yo! Running a fever here and sick! So double-check this for accuracy, cuz I’m NOT at my best and don’t I know it!”

So if it’s okay then, why would I fret so when I’m better? When I’m firing on all cylinders?

Why waste so much time and energy on trying to make stuff ‘perfect’ when, it’s obvious, with just slow, plodding care, I can often ‘get ‘er done’ just fine and acceptable, or ask for feedback, make the edits, save and be ‘done’!

Funny how the last thing I wrote was about Past and Healing – obviously, I didn’t learn the lesson well enough, it had to be delivered in no uncertain terms.

Thus, the world turns one more day for me, for my beloveds, while it never will for so many others, and feels as if it should have stopped, at least for a moment, to those who remain here, who grieve the loss of their loved one.

I was so happy to login for the first time in nearly 2 weeks and see a comment from a bloggy pal, from whom, I hadn’t seen post/comment for quite some months – to some, given world events and national events, this may seem small and of no consequence, and yet, to me?

Such a wondrous gift!

That’s the update – and I’m pooped from the effort of today – so I’m gonna go take a nap, I think – no sense rushing things and having a set back – this weekend is Memorial Weekend, which means, next week? I will be going forth into the garden areas – to clear out old, make way for new, heal through contact with the dirt and hope I waited ‘late enough’ to avoid blizzards….

Mother Nature is used to me being late….

The Past and Healing

It’s been a few hard months, internally, for the Queen of Ballybin (yup, I decided since Oakley the Wonder Dog is no longer on this plane of existence, in our shared castle, I was within my rights to upgrade myself to Queen of the Castle status! 😀 )

Physical Crap Manifests…..

There are times in my world, when physical complaints manifest so completely strong and up front, screaming for attention, I rather kick myself in the mental pants, for being so silly as to not ‘listen’ to the whispers, beforehand, that I must NOW deal with this, because physical pain now totally impedes me, doing what I want to do/need to do, just now.

This Wednesday Past –

I awoke to the day with massive lower back pain and muscle/ligament hurts so tender to the barest touch (enough to bring insta-tears to my eyes) neck area – front and back – though front area hurt the most if I even ATTEMPTED to tap, press, massage, etc.

I worked through the Checklist of Things to Try

In pure desperation, because, “Well, this s**t apparently, can’t be put off anymore….”

No doing acupressure on myself this morning – I guess….

Lower back deep ache and pain makes giving myself a ‘foot massage’ to try to ‘sneak up on the pain/resolve it’ without having to gird my loins to do to myself that which I simply can’t bring myself to do to myself- (apply pressure/touch, directly to the affected area to clear the blockage/knot/stress -whatever you wish to label it….)

Hurting – feel like crap – there will be no sound healing or tai chi, or even basic calisthenics this morning, either – I can’t bear to force myself to do so, cause I’m so worn out from pain, even putting my hands on this chakra or that one, while working through Six Healing Sounds breath/sound work seems like more than I can handle…

Seems easier to just give up – I finally gave myself cancer and it’s spread through everything and I’m gonna die here soon, and ……

😀 Yes, this is me, at my lowest!

Deep breathing exercises and essential oil mixtures I have ready at hand to heal/bring warmth and circulation/aromatherapy gifts to the ‘issue at hand’ take the edge off, some, but….welll….crap!

That is not really/fully working either – –

In Pure “too lazy to even do for myself” fashion….

I simply slap a whole bunch of SalonPas purchased ‘sticky pads’ to every neck, shoulder, lower back region I can reach (capsaiscum/menthol pads- which a family member loves, and buys in bulk, and shared a packet with me, cuz I quit buying long ago, when I learned more about doing my own essential oil/carrier oil blends.)

Sit in front of the computer, try to get something resembling work done and then……

I look up and scream – from the pain –

Not really a scream – I never got good at doing the whole horror film, high pitched scream.

(That’s a Fact, Jack! I know! I took Drama class all through high school – no matter how I tried/practiced, during ‘learn to scream well’ spring quarter for grade week? the best I could muster was a howl – a grrr for battle cry – a gutteral rendition of deep primal scream of rage and loss – much to the chagrin of my Drama teacher, who happened to be roommates with my choir teacher, who insisted, over and over,

“She can to do that high note, shrill note! She’s a second soprano, alto or tenor, whatever I need – she can scream at those higher tones, so don’t give up on her – she can do it! I know! from her singing”)

Nope, No can Do – So sorry….not happening….

You can threaten me, hound me, nag me, shame, criticize me, give me a failing grade for this section, E for effort/take incomplete/class over, whatever, but – um- nope!

What? You’re surprised? Why? I’ve told you over and over how stubborn I am, naturally…without even trying/making an effort….

By my senior year? It all turned out okay –

I still sang, here and there, 3 different parts, on various songs – when needed/put to use where I was most needed for ‘that song’ – given whatever the small choral body consisted of that year, on voice/preferance ranges.

Which means, today?

Sigh – I sing one song and sometimes I sing the melody, then meld right over to the harmonizing/undertone/alto side and or, sing the part that highlights the percussion part of the song, the deep, steady beat that marks basic tone, but throughout, expresses emphaisis in a few notes, or through silence, right now…

I’ll flow back and forth between it all, while the main tune plays out in my head, and I hear the full orchestra in my head, while outside of my head, a cappella?

Should I do such things in front of others?

Sounds like two feral cats or racoons mating in a frenzy and is really, rather jarring to those who are not wi-fi connected into the symphony playing out in my head…..

I also wasn’t ‘failed’ in Drama class either –

Thus, me being me, worked out for me, just then….

I Remember, and Look Up – Stretch my Neck as best as I can….

And make a sound in pure, primal deep, frustration – doesn’t matter what note or tone- just release the sound- adjust the tone, level, etc. as feels good… and WALLA!

I hit the right ‘note & tone’ – I can feel the vibration within – in my neck –

It sounds like a Deep Tibetan male chant – my ears tell me –

While just opening and closing my jaw, while making deep within sounds that make no sense to anyone but me, and, would embarrass or scare others, should I do so in public –

Sounds that only a mother could love, and expelling breath, intaking breath, shouting to the wind in my space, I move my head up and down, as far as I can, each way, without shutting off the stream of my own sound creation….

I close my eyes – the better to ‘feel’ the healing, know what to adjust, if need be, if you will….

My Brain Fills in what neither My Ears OR my Neighbors can report as REALLY being true…

With memories of past things experienced….

Specifically, that special Deep Throat (??) chant of Tibetan Monk – that sounds, as if, 1,000 monk voices are chanting – all from one being, one voice…..

Yup, I listened to that soundtrack once, long ago….

Soon? I am gutterally grunting all by myself and yet, in my inner world?

With eyes closed?

I’m transported to some high mountainside, ancient, earth made temple, built on principals to reflect/reverberate/surround me with sound –

I’m no longer alone in healing meself.

I’m surrounded by many other voices that chant alongside me, for their own reasons, for me, their healing or mine.

I hear it – I feel it! I KNOW it!

The voices fill my head, my body and each nod of my head, up and down, the pain eases.

I don’t even do anything, really, for my lower back – it seems it benefited from the exercise in grunting, too – enough that I realized it was ‘good enough’ to allow me to go do something, ANYTHING, today, to take one or more things off my self-assigned to-do list.

The whole session, initially, done once?

Wears me out to work shorter hours, sleep more the next few days – and this time?

I listen immediately and go to bed as soon as it hits.

It just is, and if I chafe over too much sleeping time? My own fault, I could avoided having to ‘waste’ this time, if I had ‘listened’ earlier –

But I ponder upon the Physical stuff – the rest of the week…

Long ago, a bloggy pal here, either in comments or a pen-pal email, told me that lower back pain showing up sans any information regarding kidney infection history/trauma/injury to the area, might mean I wasn’t feeling emotionally supported, just then….

Long, long ago, and I hesitate to link to the bloggy pal, because, well – I might be remembering correctly or not – who exactly it was – out of 3 choices – 1 of which has passed away, 1 I haven’t heard from in a long time and one that is alive, well and active here….many years later.

During my long ago journey into reading/learning about chakras, Aryuvedic and other eastern medicine/shamanic traditions of healing, I do believe I learned some throat/neck area thingees on inner being ‘here’s what is going on’.

You aren’t speaking your truth or even if you are, you do not feel heard.

Yup, My lil ‘remember from the past, that might help today’, brain memory bank, serves me really well, often –

Sometimes it doesn’t, but on many fronts? It does.

Over and over and over and it’s why, repeatedly, I still rather knee-jerk get geared up for a fight, or speak up in contradiction to the admonitions from others to “Forget the Past”

I also tend to be a glutton for punishment

I dive back into past trauma, hurt, emotional things for me and for others, over and over, until the lessons gleaned from the past are realized/useful AND revisiting that past no longer impacts the present, but simply reminds of us what we already know, but may have forgotten, that is useful to us, right about now.

Sometimes, I lose myself in the swamp

Other times? I end up hurting more than helping others, when I bring stuff up, they still or no longer want to remember –

Sometimes I hurt myself/others today, but later on? Even while I give lip service to the core tenet of,

Do No Harm

Sometimes, the exact thing needed in order to get one or both of us shoved hard enough to quit sitting in the middle of the swamp, feeling sorry for ourselves, when really, just two steps further into a temporary place of “We are in Nirvana – for now….!”

Is simply me, listening to my intuition that tells me, ‘Not the time to be quiet right about now – even if it sounds wrong or it might hurt another’s ears.”

Which Brings Me to Now – Sunday in My time/space zone

Yes – it’s Sunday – which, given my Protestant, Christian, early upbringing, is, on various fronts, supposed to be a day of rest, no work, UNLESS you are working for family, community, spiritual reasons, then?

It’s okay to work on THAT stuff….(on some fronts – it’s also okay to work in the garden, get up and take care of other creatures of God, that Monday -Saturday aide in one’s quality of life via personal needs OR income, but that’s not really work….)

I remain confused on the various conditions regarding what ‘working on the Sabbath’ is okay/not across many fronts – for instance,

Some believe day off and they shouldn’t work at all, be freed from all cares and worries and striving on material life planes..

And yet, for those who say this, I ask, “Okay – so you went to a restaurant for your meals – now sinners working on the Sabbath are serving you – given your dogma, shouldn’t you just not eat for today? at all? Are you allowed to draw yourself a cup of water to stay hydrated?

And thus, sigh – I just piss everyone off, here and there, often, because I take stated premises and think, “Okay – let’s play with this for awhile, and take it through a mind thought experiment and see where it is true and where it is not – for you/for others…”

I’m not really a philosopher or sociologist….

I lose my patience with the ludicrousness of much of that world LONG before Those who are leaders in those fields are ‘completely done’ with their mind thought experiment –

(Which is why I’m still not a fan of AI or Genetic modification of living things, better living through chemsitry, ancient psychidelics OR modern pharmaceuticals, crypotcurrency, just yet, even while these fields appear to be the latest, trending, bandwagons – )

Since I provide service to non-profits and small local businesses run by those who have a ‘day job’ as they build their own lil biz on the side?

Sometimes Sunday is the day I work and sometimes it’s not.

Sometimes, I take Wednesday as my Sabbath day – or Tuesday, maybe this week? Friday – or Monday….

I’m recently informed by some fundamental Christians, that I’m messing it all up, really, because the Sabbath is ACTUALLY, per true scripture, on Saturday!

Hmm…Okay, says I, you and Jewish folks are starting to have something in common that felt to me, like the ‘great divide’ about 30 years ago….

Thus, I can break Sabbath rules, all by myself, in the eyes of many No matter what day my TimeZone/Calendar says

Cuz, hey, Whatever Works right?

I also become a pagan/devil’s handmaiden in some areas, here and there, because I also use Mother Nature, shamanic Animal Spirit lore/learning, ancient mythology and cultural values of many peoples, across the world, the message of plants and animals outside my door, astrology, tarot, numerology, I Ching, Chakras, Neuroscience, Sociology, Biochemistry, Biology, Philosophy, accupressure, reflexology, essential oils, herb teas, breathing exercises, physical excercises, mental visualization…..

See how long the list is, even when I got tired typing and figured if I’m too tired to type all options/possibilities out, you would wear out reading it, even if I did make the effort???

See how guaranteed it is if I share, on any front, what worked for me, just that moment of now – someone, somewhere, will find a reason why it shouldn’t have worked, or why, even if it worked, my eternal soul or path to enlightment might be in jeopardy, or how I’m foolin’ myself, victim of placebo effect – or it’s embarrassing to another, or causes pain to another, or scared another – whatever – –

Okey-Dokey then.

I did more ‘wing it and do what feels right’ this morning – for me myself and I -cuz I had to – stuff which may also benefit others now or later, may not – we shall see…..

What I actually did was some tarot spreads – and yeah, I never lay out the cards – I just pick a ‘Spread’ to do on what I was thinking about, close my eyes, focus and shuffle – the cards simply fall out – or turn sideways – and I do such things until I have 1 or 3 or 5 or 7 or 10 cards

Sometimes? 2 fall out and I think is just one – discover as I arrange them to read, learn journal, meditate upon –


6 fall out – and sometimes 2 fall together and I put in order as the fall, and then shuffle, shuffle shuffle a bit more, asking “Is there a 5th one really? or is the 2nd one that fell behind the 4th THE 5th one??

I spent time thinking thinking about past messages given and the vision of Grandmother Snake that just showed up loud and clear while I was working in another toolset – She from collective Animal Spirit Lore, journaling (during which, here and there, I wrote out WTF???? for me myself and I….free from writing) etc.

Yup, I used and wrote down the letter to indicate the F word, all while, given the local majority agreed upon Sabbath front would be shocked and disappointed I couldn’t get over my addiction to cursing, for even one durn day, for an hour or so-

It’s hard, sometimes, to overcome your inner, early, reinforced, childhood training….to do what works and what is needed, just now.

Me, to meself, over and over and over

And yet….


Time spent in the pagan, ‘yup, you’re going to hell’ activities?

That others in my circle say (atheists and new Christians, new agers, etc.)

“Why do you even worry about that? You’re a prisoner of your past and have low self-esteem/aren’t very enlightened/a sheeple to society standards….”

Well I do such things, because I believe in Hell –

Not some ‘after I die, eternal pit of burning anguish’ type of hell, meted out from some omnipotent being above/trickster from below – but simply within myself and to be found in the world around me….

I KNOW, Hell On Earth exists

Sometimes I live in it, sometimes I cause it, contribute to it, etc.

Sometimes I bring it on myself, sometimes Hell is collectively built, manmade systems deliver it, sometimes, it just is, for reasons beyond my immediate understanding, try as I might.

I question not only those around me, but myself too – over and over and over – because I think I know, too, the truth of the old adage/cliche:

The Road to Hell is paved with Good Intentions

Thus, for me?

After doing my ‘self’ readings, EVEN though I KNOW, on so many other fronts/dogmas/scientific studies/ancient practices?

Um, Yup, I might just be lying to myself….

My memory of the past is the saving grace for myself and others

In a variety of ways.

  • Sometimes, I’m the living walking library that holds institutional memory within, when those in charge forget why they changed something on their website 2 years ago, and now, want it changed back and say, “Why is this?? It should be this way….”
    • And yeah, sometimes my mind screams at me, “BECAUSE you changed it and have forgotten” – but I don’t say outloud – I simply go back through notes/emails, etc., and say, “this is why, in response to this need/fear of outsiders, lawsuit, etc. Have those risk avoidance/goals set, now changed?” often to get the quick reply, “NOPE! You’re Right! Thanks for reminding me! DON’T change a thing!”
  • Sometimes I’m the one who encourages another simply by saying, “Okay – yes, sucks to be you, right now, I HEAR YOU! That S**T isn’t fair, I hear you! My HEART Breaks you are in this place right now – on the other had, so what? You walked through (past hard challenge) before, and felt the same way, at the time, but damn, didn’t ya survive that past thing and come up smelling like a rose after it! – you can do it again – I have faith in you. Now, what do I have, on any front, that might be of use to you, right now? Anything? Nothing? Okay – Can do that, maybe this person can help you with that – sorry – got nothing cept, I’ll listen if ya need”
  • And sometimes? It’s as simple as “Okay, everything that HAS been working, isn’t – so let’s just wing it and fly by the seat of our pants and try this….”
    • And turns out? The “this tried” I learned before and tried – mi vida loca (my crazy life ) of visiting the past, reminds me of things that might be of use, one way or another, now.
    • Possible Options that might be tried – Gleaned from past – maybe not in it’s current/need full form, but a shiny gem of something lands in my brain, my heart – pay attention to that is announced by the goosebumps on my arms, when it shows up as some random, of ‘no use, really’ brain fart/inspiration/intuition…. A breadcrumb to go off on another trail that came to me, as “low risk of harm – might reap great rewards – what does it hurt anyone, to try this??”

The Older I get…..

The more I revisit so many long ago, learned things that I tend to get to quicker, often, than I did before.

And yet, I also sometimes wear myself out trying to learn new things, that sometimes, expand upon or are born out of older things, but also?

Discombobulate me as I resist or release, the info presented is a new take, on previously learned new things, that, to my mind, has never worked out well, for me, or for those who depend upon me.

Take Away Lesson, from today’s Tarot Reading?

Ahhh… welll….um…..

Seems I am SO AWARE! over and over, how humans/our brains/our past, can get us stuck in a loop of lying to ourselves and others – that I was really, on many fronts, for many months, now, ignoring my intuition, listening to the shaming/criticizing of others, thinking, ‘It’s possible what they say is true and I’m just lying to myself”, and attempts to not to be an arrogant arse wipe, which every where I look, no matter the storyline presented, indicates is probably true, no matter how sages across time, worded it,

Am reminded to remain humble even when I go forth, thinking I’m right….

Be kind when asked my opinion, tippy toe around possible hurtful triggers for others, or following my warriors heart that cries out when I see small steps made by those I love, that SCREAM to me, a major tumble down a slippery-slope, ahead is likely – and I LOVE you too much to not say it and sorry if this hurts you….

Yup, all of those extrapolations, reductions/inductions(?) and possibilities play out in my mind…

Just Until

I simply can’t ‘bear’ sitting on the fence anymore – know, for myself, better or worse, I am still unwilling to charge forth, OR am dragging my feet on charging forth –

I can’t always and forever bear the collective weight of all the contradictions and dichotomies of it all and don’t I know it!

How do I know?

My brain tells me first, and I question it – then my heart tells me and I choose to believe, (as fail safe! valve) ” I’m just hearing what I want to hear – or telling myself what I want to hear”

Remember? humans have, through out history of having a frontal cortex area of the brain AND our greedy, grasping, fear of our own mortality fronts?

Lied to ourselves over and over….

When my body manifests it?

Oh, yes, well – congrats to me! I failed to trust my mind, my heart and now?

Nothing to do but listen, repair the body, best as I can, but also, remind myself,

“Self? You KNOW better, just why did you choose to do this to yourself???”

“Me? Well, guess I needed a reminder – a shove, to get me where I need to be for the next phase of pushing forth and growing, that seems to be looming…..a rejuvenation of spirit…. a revisit too, and a healing of the forest of trees of past hurt and trauma, here and there, until I can visit that forest and no longer get lost in it, or fearful of it, but only see the pure beauty, inter-connectedness, diversity and beauty of it.”

So that’s my Sunday Check-In

Blanket apology to all in my circle here, who find their way on just ONE path, one theology, one dogma, one spiritual practice, or one mind practice based in a disavowing of anything other than our frontal cortex/DNA hardwired by evolution biochemistry/our all to human failings/search for meaning grounded in modern studies, facts, stats and studies – –

Yup, I see a glimmer here and there, on why you commit to that path which I cannot, fully, to exclusion of all other paths – that I cannot, embrace fully –

I understand, even while I do not –

When I share my world, my concerns, my love of history, my various paths to “Whatever Works” it is not a judgement on other paths, except for to express why they did/didn’t work for me, OR a cautionary tale shared, because, despite it all, I jacked myself up practicing medicine on myself OR I see potential slippery slope looming ahead and well….I HOPE AND PRAY – that works for you, but everything in my being, sometimes, is screaming within, wishing to be heard:

“um…not certain that’s going to turn out as well as you imagine it will…..and I love you too much to stay silent”

I Might Be Right, I Might Be Wrong –

But damn! doesn’t it hurt me, over and over, when I keep silent on my journey, counsel given when asked for, etc., when I try to ensure I MAY NEVER hurt anyone’s feelings, ever, or show up in NOT the way they wanted me to/asked me to, just now….

And well – I’m me, you’re you – and here and there, for a time, or a lifetime, or awhile?

We’ll be exactly what is needed for each other or ourselves, just now – even when it doesn’t feel like it –

I KNOW All Of This…. I just forgot for awhile

Because I remember my past – But never, ever, believe it fully dictates my future and well….I just have to roll around in the mud and muck of my inner journey once in awhile to remember it for myself, and perhaps? You too.

Happy Sunday!

BTW – all of the thousands of words I write here?

Are, in the end, 1st world problems (even if that label is now being revised/offensive….)

IF I spent 18+ hours a day just keeping sheltered from heat/cold, hydrated and fed? To procreate or protect my procreations?

Meh – I wouldn’t have the time to share such things with you – thus, at end of the day? “Well, lookee there! I’m SO BLESSED with ABUNDANCE that AFFORDS ME the time and space in which to have existensial crisis in –

Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha – And yes, I’m laughing at me, and giving you opportunity to do so to – NOT laughing cynically at you/your path –

Narcisstic, ain’t it? In one way, there is nothing but me, and in other ways? It’s always about others – and yes, I still walk that path, every, damn day – within – 😀

Happy Friday 13th, Full Moon Sleeping & Whatever Works

Two nights ago, I didn’t sleep well. Since I’m a sleep-hound and lucid dreamer who guards ‘sleep well’ sessions like a trained attack dog, any night of ‘not sleeping well’ must be analysed and dissected to figure out the “Why?” and “How to avoid in the future”

I did the ‘check in’ with self:

  • Too hot?
  • Too Cold?
  • Coming down with something ya should do some quick self-care on to nip in the bud?
  • Stressed about something?
  • Hungry? Didn’t eat enough fats/protein for your body’s use in repairs while you sleep?

I awoke about 3 hours after laying down – which is not, in itself, uncommon – I sleep 3-5 hours in deep, dreamless sleep, awake, turn over and go right back to sleep… into the wonderful dreamland where solutions, beauty or wisdom show up that I can ‘hold onto’ when I wake up in the morning, to greet the day and solve challenges with info I received in dreamland from the mystic universe …

(or from my subconscious that has been working on the challenge/solution while I distract myself via other things -you are free to choose which ever answer/storyline that floats your boat).

Small Sleep vs. Big Sleep

Sometime ago, I learned that ‘small sleep’ and ‘big sleep’ used to be the norm for our society, before we advanced into modern living.

Back in Ye Olden Days, before electric lights, sturdy walls to protect humans from predators of the night, central heating thermostats, baby monitors, enough outbuildings to protect all livestock from harsh winter conditions?

We went to bed sometimes when the sun did, got some rest, then got up to keep the warming/scare predators away, fire going, check on children in need of care, run the herd around the corral for awhile to keep their internal furnace stoked in the frigid temps of middle night.

Ah…but when I gave up an hour later and decided, if I’d just fix myself an egg sandwich, I would be able to go back to sleep, I stumbled out to the kitchen and realized, “My! Aint that moon pretty – when is the full moon this month?”

And all became clear –

  1. I’m Hungry! as I thought back and realized, I hadn’t eaten but twice in the previous 50 hours or so…cheese and crackers can’t carry ya far (put peanut butter on grocery list – remember? You’re out!)
  2. My deep ancestral DNA, when I’m overall, well rested? Awakes me to the bright, moonlit nights, despite having blackout curtains throughout the house.

Oakley, the Wonder Dog used to be my “Full Moon Approacheth” Alert

For most of my adult life, I haven’t been well rested or given the full luxury of sleeping/resting when I’m tired, and getting up and doing, when I’m gol durn ready and rarin’ to go for it.

My own work, spouse’s schedule, educational schedule for children, animals and family/friends to care for, meant, Often?

I stayed up long after I was ready for bed, and/or got up long before I really wanted to.

I realized, this past week, that while I THOUGHT I was waking up during the full moon approach and event, due to Oakley’s once a month dance, licks on the hand and happy jumping around on her paws in middle of the night, begging me to come outside with me and play, Mom!”, even as she aged, got arthritis, started going blind, deaf and senile – –

I, too, the longer I had some control via me, myself and I only, over my rest/awake times?

Awoke to feel the call to venture outside.

But oh, how I still miss waking up to her licks on my hand, and once I was dragged back from my slumber travels, doing her little happy dance, saying, “there’s storm/full moon to go outside and c’mon mom! Let’s go dance! Don’t SLEEP through THIS!!!”

I guess, in one way, I’m already working up to her ‘been gone nearly a year now’ death anniversary.

Month of May and Full Moon Approaching, reminded me…

My grief and missing of her, is, just part of my journey the past two days, into myself.

It’s my understanding that long, LONG ago, in hunter/gatherer societies, sometimes hunts took place during full moon, as the light of the moon helped put humans on more equal footing with predators who see better at night than we do, but also, because selected prey weren’t as awake or alert as they might otherwise be at various times of the day, unless the ‘in common’ predators of we and our prey, arrived at the resting herd, first.

I don’t know if that’s really true or not – but I remember reading that premise.

I also remember reading an excerpt from a long ago printed book for housewives, on the topic of fertility, suggesting that mating rituals to gain a child, should always take place AFTER the small sleep, for the health of the child and higher chance of fertilization success, should a couple be struggling to ‘conceive offspring’.

I don’t know if that’s true either.

But I read it and the thought intrigued me in the extrapolations my mind made, given more recent studies done into the science of sleep and the health of the mind/body.

But, the stories of yore (and/or, today) continue to fascinate me on some fronts.

Like those surrounding….

Friday the 13th and Full Moon Mythology

To my knowledge, in my own memory, I have a day that dawned bright with hope, promise, personal happiness and celebration, with something to look forward to, once, long ago, in my ‘barely old enough to be adulting it’ status.

It was my birthday, I had the coming weekend off. I had plans with close friends to celebrate my birthday, babysitting for my son, so I could go to the county fair and dance that night, and pretend, for just a moment, that I still knew how play and do something other than work and make ends meet.

It also happened to be a Friday the 13th, a full moon, the opening day of the country fair, and I worked as an dispatcher in EMS/LE industry.

Yup, you guessed it!

It started quiet, but the first 911 call came in not long after my shift started – and the second hit before 11am and by the time I got done with my shift, stayed over to do all my paperwork, notifications, blotters and reports, that Friday, in just my little locale, had already claimed 3 lives, with 2 others hanging on by a thread, and 1 other whose life might never be the same, again.

A week later? Count of 5 dead, 3 who must rebuild their life with forever changed bodies to walk/not walk through Life with.

Busy stressful day, full of non-stop work, for me, and my colleagues /coworkers, but also?

Emotionally hard on me – back then

The sad fact of the matter is, when you’re a dispatcher, it’s your job to monitor all the radio traffic chatter – and well – on some calls? that chatter doesn’t end when you/your crew have done their part at the scene. Nope, you’re still monitoring the shared channel for Flight for Life, in case, for some reason, they need something from you, your logs/info, etc.

Thus, for my personality and proclivity for ‘wanting to know how the story ends…”

I listen to the ‘we’ve lost ’em, nope, got ’em back – eta 10 minutes, lost ’em, got em back, eta 5 minutes” as the Flight crew keeps the top in USA, trauma ER team far away up to date so they can spring into action to save a life the moment that chopper lands.

I never will forget, that Birthday

Because I don’t want to – I don’t want to shove it away because of the struggle, the ugly the harsh, because if I ever forget that day?

I’m also forgetting all the beauty and one of the highest expressions of the ideals we humans tend to say we ‘believe in’, of everyday folks, if I shove that day away, because ‘it’s not a positive story.”

I won’t forget – because I can’t bear to lose the awesome beauty and courage that played out in front of my ears, on so many, many fronts.

Through that long shift of the hard, ugly, and loss for so many in my collective community, I remember too, the beauty, the heroics, the sacrifice of others, the callers who stopped to call for help for those they just witnessed and then who, became a trauma victim themselves, as distracted drivers resulted in shattering glass, twisted metal right around them, and yet, they managed to calm themselves, just then, after a moment when I heard the background, and listened to her short, screams, anxiety and one word shouts, trying to explain what had just happened, and finally screamed out to me full sentences, in her fear and anguish:

“What do I do? Should I move or stay? Am I going to die here, too?”

I knew help was on the way, I wanted her to move further away from what had become a 5 car accident scene that had started out as a one car, simple accident, low injuries, well off the roadway –

And yet, in my still rather ‘new to this job’ status, I hesitated to tell her to get in her car and drive…

Because I wasn’t certain she was in the best frame of my mind to drive safely, even if it meant just pulling the car 100 yards forward.

So, I said the only thing I could think of, in that moment.

“Are you hurt?”


“Okay, listen to my voice – take a deep breath – in…out… okay? Now, look around you and can you count for me, how many cars are crashed now and how far away from you are they? Think of a football field where is the crash – where are you?.”

“There are 4 – 5 if you include the truck of the guy who stopped to help…he wasn’t in it…but…OMG! He…..He…..He….”

“Deep Breath – Breathe with me – In/Out…. Good – Do you feel safe enough to drive? How far away are you from the crash site?”

“it’s kayI can do thisI’m okay…..(deep gulp, still of breath) there’s another guy here who stopped way back – he has his flashers on and is standing int he roadway to get folks to slow down…He’sgonnadietooIsn’tHeIhavetowarnhim….(deep gulp of breath) okayokayasemihassloweddown….hes’s stradling the lanes, to block traffic, people are stopping….(slower breath) I’m okay, I’m not hurt….but the first guy…he…he” (panic breath resumes)

“Breathe – can you count how many people may need help? “

“4, um…another ..2? No, they are out of their cars and walking over to help, I think there are 3 in the car that ran into…but it could be 4 – they are trapped under the truck….(panicked breathing) but….you have to get someone herenow! HeHeHe….”

It wasn’t until late in my shift, I learned who ‘he’ was – the volunteer who ended up giving his life, because he was the second person, after my caller, who stopped to help.

Dark and Negative Tale of Horror?

Perhaps – to some, but to me?

That day was full of so many folks, who despite the world descending into full chaos, and imminent fear of death, they chose, to stop and help, best as they could, with what they had, whether they felt qualified or not, and despite their mounting fears.

They didn’t stop because it was ‘their job’ or they ‘knew what to do’ –

They stopped to help because they were human and another living thing needed help.

Look For the Helpers

I didn’t know it back then, but really? Mr. Rogers had already wormed his way into my subconscious:

Television’s children host Mr. Rogers said his mother responded to scary news by telling him, ‘Look for the helpers.’

As confirmed by, just because, I took time out to look up – and took the FIRST confirmation I found, because I love that quote – I don’t care who said it when – 😀

And thus, along side the struggle, the chaos, the nightmare of my first full deep dunk baptism into how quickly things can go to hell in a hand-basket, I carry within me also, the pure beauty of so many acts of courage and selflessness I was witness to that day.

How hard so many fight, for the life of another, or rush towards or stay close to danger, because they feel deep within, they simply have to.

And while many in my circle, when I try to share such tales, of what always chokes me up with joy and celebration of the pure beauty of the human spirit at it’s darkest moments, choose to believe me to be ‘negative’ or wasting my time/depressed by remembering the past?

In my internal world?

Well S**T! You missed the point of the story!

Maybe I didn’t tell it right???

Didn’t you hear the pure beauty and courage of the folks in that 8 hours of time space? What do I need to say, so you don’t miss that???

This tale, of this one day? In numbers, moments, outcome?

Pales in comparison to some tales, of some folks, and what they survived given various moments in their ‘time/space’ of history.

Both in its pure chaos and horror of the bad things that can happen and atrocities that play out on grand scales…

On the other hand? Many stories come onto my radar, that to me, ring forth with the same message over and over….

The strength and beauty that lies within the human spirit, and how, sometimes?

We don’t get to witness it in its purest, most beautiful form, until it is surrounded by chaos and fear of survival.

I received many ‘blessings’ myself, that day, too

Because I was ‘newly on job’, because the LE officer whose call sign included ’13’ was off that day, and FINALLY! broke his streak of ‘being the one on duty for every fatal that happened on the highways we were to care for, for over a year’, ALSO happened to be the husband of my new friend, in new community, who took me under her wing….and father of the teen daughter who ‘volunteered to babysit my son, so I could afford to go to the dance with her dad and mom.

Also, I didn’t get ‘in trouble’ for scrambling two jurisdictional fire/EMS teams because despite everything from that first call from the young, female traveler, who was on her first ‘road trip’ by herself?

You must know her! She’s the one I told to breathe, even while I was frantic in failing my own duties, in getting the info it was my job to get….

Every time, that day, I told her to breathe? I was breathing with her, cuz I needed it too – – 😀

I couldn’t tell, exactly, where the accident was, given ‘jurisdiction’ boundaries. Turns out, the number of crews and ambulances I asked to be called out, ended up being sorely needed, and not ‘wasted’ and being farther away for ‘another incoming call” – as that one lil simple accident turned into a free-for crash derby.

And, I didn’t get fired.

While that wasn’t my ‘first worry’ in the middle of the storm? Once the storm was sorta ‘over’ for me, but I wasn’t certain how it all turned out?

Oh, hell yes! I did the whole after action internal report of girding my heart to know, I was going to get fired for not ‘doing my job right.”

Despite my overall mishandling of things here and there, during that day of not one, but two incidents, there was no clear line that said, someone died or got hurt because of my ‘new on the job’ in-expertise, overall, and I learned more on how to do things better, via after incident debrief/reconstruction, so NEXT time something like this happens, I’ll be able to do ‘my job’ better and faster…

(Oh, lord, you mean there will be more days like this? I don’t know if my heart can take it….)

For over a month now…I’ve had hard conversations with many

Regarding my negativity and cynicism –

Often, because I don’t tell stories like this one, in a way that those who focus only on the positive, can hear or see what I find so supremely beautiful in the human species – those moments when the shit hits the fan and yet, amateurs show up and just, rather, save the day, on many fronts, and really, doesn’t mater how perfect they are or how good they look while doing it – they did what needed to be done…just then, best as they could.

And yet, as I write this out, as I continue struggle with hard conversations and judgement from those I love and depend upon them being in my ‘circle’ of trust, over and over during the same time?

As I struggle with myself to see their seek and focus on the positive side – try to admit I am wrong/broken/in a bad place, and yes, I’m negative/cynical, and I’ll try to do better – (cuz, ya know…well, I’m open to the possibility I’m a total screwed up mess!)

I also know who sometimes gets called upon, when folks aren’t at their best

Increasingly? Folks in need of my brand of long ago learning to say embrace the chaos and look for the possible good – somewhere – maybe not right now, but maybe someday,

“Yup, that truly sucks! No wonder you are (insert negative thingee) but then also??

“It is rather beautiful to me, though, that you are showing up and doing, despite allthat – that you are willing to keep showing up -I know you are hurting and struggling, but, my oh-my – in my eyes? I feel I’m witnessing you as your most beautiful, right now! even while other’s label it imperfect”

It’s so easy to love folks when…..

They think like you do – things are going well, they stroke your ego and tell you how great you are – when their life is going great and they are generous with their various spirit and material resources, that benefit you, personally…..

Oh my yes – ain’t it EASY to Love those folks!

Every time the above list of stuff, ISN’T true, often makes loving those around us a lil bit harder, one brick at a time….on some fronts, for some folks…

And yet? For me?

There continues to be times, even as I celebrate with and am happy for those in my circle when things are going well, that I simply find it easier to love those around me, so completely, I worry my heart might explode from the expansion of it, when they, in fact, not at their best, just now…

For better or worse, when they fear they are at their worst?

Is the same moment I tend to see how they are to my eyes and also the moment it’s ACTUALLY easier for me to love them fully, unconditionally, without expectations at all.

And, because of this, I figure it’s my job to remind them of their true beauty and courage, because it comes through to me in such blaring clarity and most likely, within my brain/memory, I hold the stories of the past struggles, when they exhibited the same beauty & strength before –

Reminding them of their past triumphs of overcoming the odds and surviving, and how greatly their way of being when made a profound difference for the better in my life and worldview? when they say later, they were at their worst –

Is, for better or worse, still, the main way I can easily, effortlessly show love and support to others, at the very moment they need it.

And, should chaos, horror, atrocities hit their world?

My brand of ‘showing support/love’ seems to work for them, too -here and there….

I just have to remember to fade away and not show up to ‘wreck’ the good life if all is going well in their world –

I’m only On Duty for when Life isn’t so grand…

And, well, this past week? I re-watched a movie, “Our Brand is Crisis” just because, I begin to suspect, that maybe that’s the only time I am of real service, to some in my circle, whom I love – that comes easy for me, even if I suck at being a medic, soldier, LE, EMS, RN, LPN, etc.

There is a possibility, that for whatever reason? This IS, in fact, by best to give to others – and I just need to get over myself, or trying to ‘make my point’ to be understood, instead of understanding –

The Prayer of St. Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace; 
Where there is hatred, let me sow love; 
Where there is injury, pardon; 
Where there is doubt, faith; 
Where there is despair, hope; 
Where there is darkness, light; 
And where there is sadness, joy. 

O Divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console; 
To be understood, as to understand; 
To be loved, as to love; 
For it is in giving that we receive, 
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned, 
And it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life. 

Um, yup, I, personally, am still falling short of the prayer/ideals of the above – I don’t need anyone to understand me, I seek to understand them better, JUST until, they judge because I wasn’t on the exact same wave length as them, in one moment of time….

It continues to a paradox for me – Am the ONLY time I’m truly ‘there’ for others in a way that is useful to them, is during chaos/fear/hardship?

What does that say about me? Them?

Best way I can be or not?

But for now – I guess, whether through being tired of revisiting this core dichotomy within myself, OR because I reminded myself of universal truth, I seemed to have learned long ago, but needed reminder of?

See? I can do Positive & negative story lines all at the same time!

I’m Re-Writing MY Life Story Line I have held onto as a CORE Truth, I run to safety in, for a long time.

Not really re-writing it, so much as reframing it… in my internal perspective, as I’m reminded of things I have learned before, but apparently, needed reminded of…

Negative Version of Story Line

“I don’t count/don’t matter/do not exist, really, in the world of others, until crisis, existential or otherwise, looms, and then? Holy Moly! Ain’t I a peach? GRRR….”

Positive Reframe??

“I take such good care of myself, always, and provide safe space for others to be at what they consider, not their best, that I am of service to others, simply by being me – bringing my perspective to their life story as a possible story line that might land/work for them…..”

Current Return to Neutral(?) Whatever Works Story Line?

“I am like the moon – waxing/waning – there are times I simply cannot be what others need me to be, or are asking of me, right now – if I force it? Bad things happen. Sometimes? I’m rather at my best, but can get overloaded by the volume of requests that come in, and from overload? I start descending into GRR/whining status, being resentful, because I’m mad at myself for ‘not being able to meet every need asked for in 2.5 seconds.”

And Remembering, AGAIN! (Sigh…I’m such a slow learner….)

Ah – there is a ditty I first learned the concept of in Laura Ingalls Wilder’s books of her childhood
And later learned in some version, said by the poet Wordsworth, the Greek Philsopher Socrates, as well as many, many other sages down through time, regions and history –

Here's my imperfect version of it all:

Before you speak,
Through these gates measure your words:
What is said,
To Whom it is said, 
and is it, 

There are times I speak up on fronts regarding ‘To whom it is said” knowing damn well, not the best place to speak up in, but in my world?

Seems necessary…

There are times when I simply love someone too much to answer their question put to me, and be kind – because I believe them to be asking the wrong question(s) overall, for what they really seek, or they are asking me questions, they already know the answer to, but don’t like the answer – and are hoping for another one – and yes, I never tell someone they “look fat in those jeans’ or “OMG! What happened to your hair???”
I’ve learned, here and there, to shut up and instead say,

Something is different about you – can’t quite lay my finger on it – are you okay? (or, “new hairdo?” – “new outfit”?

Me – trying to sneak up on learning more without being a total arse wipe about it…

Sigh – sometimes? The ‘new’ hairdo has been that way for over 6 months – I’m NOT gender identity conflicted, even though, I have lifetime of experience telling me I just did what obvlivious male boyfriends and husbands do all the time, forever, while I known damn well, I’m female and also, drive my guy friends and family bat shit crazy sometimes with my ‘girly/female’ ways of being….

Again, sometimes? On various fronts? Whether I hurt another’s feelings or they hurt mine? In the moment? over and over? Such conversations are, rather, Necessary for both of us, to my mind in some form or fashion.

But overall, whether for them or me or us both – the one thing I always rather hope to achieve is, “My answer is TRUE best as I know it to be, right now”.

Maybe not true for them, maybe not really true for me… but for today?

Best I can do, just now, in hopes of staving off imminent danger, death, depression, whatever –

And yes, I do BELIEVE and have FAITH in Universal TRUTHS –

I just don’t always and forever, every bloomin’ moment of the day, trust myself, or them, to be that damn smart right now when one or both of us aren’t at our best.

On the other hand, true, unconditional love that shows up in service when we aren’t at our best?

That is the #1 truth I always and forever count upon and look for within myself and others –


Really, I confess, while the above story lines all have threads in common, none of them are, always, forever, carved in stone, ‘true’.

And that, I guess, for me, is the true reminder and lessons learned from the side stories of Friday the 13th and Full Moon myths, for me, personally –

What are your stories of such things?

Hogwash? Not scientifically proven to true, via stats collected? Oh HECK YA! Full moon and Friday the 13th days, truly have their own challenges!??

You do know, by now, not only do I count upon True Love but ALSO on hearing your story, in all it’s beauty, struggle and challenges, too, right?

Me? This Friday the 13th?

I’m off back to work fronts – took a break because I was trying to ‘work’ while being continually distracted by the story being played out in my head – hopefully, writing this post allows me to return to work with full focus.

But, hey, MAYBE I’ll go down and buy a Lotto quick pick today – I have some big dreams to build that could use some funding, and well…after all….

Friday the 13th is My Lucky Day, overall….

That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it…. 😀

Laughed so Hard I Nearly Peed my Pants…

Yup – I hit the “publish” button for the most recent, long winded blog post, and an “Insta Like” notification appeared.

I had a moment, and was curious as to who read that fast and liked? Auto stuff set, up, right? Surely it must be!

I clicked on the blogger who ‘liked’ only to be informed the authors had deleted their site.

Okey dokey then, less for me to read/wade through –

And yes, I looked up a Pixabay photo to put together with this short post –

Why? I’ve said it before, and well….a picture is, overall, I’m told, worth 1,000 words – which means, in just a few minutes?

All by myself and online tools?

After re-reading my published long tome, and finding a few typos and trying to decide whether to edit/fix them?

And, nearly spitting liquid out my nose in laughing response to WordPress like and notifications vagaries?

Typing this out? Finding a picture, downloading, resizing/optimizing to be low in size?

Ta Da!

Supposedly, in less than 30 minutes as reported by WordPress “post times” I’ve done all this – another post which comes in at valuation of slightly over 1,000 words – in what felt like, to me, about 3 minutes, but WP reports is going on 30 minutes…maybe 31 minutes –

It’s okay – I got a good laugh, for today – really deep, gut, belly laugh – and it’s worth it, even while I rather chafe against all the systems in place that enabled such a thing to come about, including me, posting this – 😀

I’m off to clear my inbox of email of the 9 incoming emails that create ‘fear’ or try create “FOMO (fear of missing out), if I’m to gauge by a quick scan of the ‘subject lines’ so I can get back to ‘real work’

Meh – just another day in Paradise – I guess….

Acting As If…

No eye candy picture to go with – I churned out way more than 1,000 words, that grew in length, despite attempts to edit for short – so no need to add more words via a picture…. 😀

As long time readers & pen pals know, I have HUGE stories conceived in Bias over the “Think Positive” world of gurus, followers and activists.

On various fronts, I label, immediately, in my ‘all too human’ brain, some works/statements in the world around me and in cyberland as:

“Happy-Wappy S**T!”

And I often hear that phrase run through my mind, totally on autopilot, upon hearing/reading/ingesting things, here and there, I truly feel I really know and own my biases and prejudices, for better or worse.

And yes, easier to just close myself off to any interaction with any forums where I might get subjected to such things –

Me? Well that’s the easy way, but, in the end, is it the best way of going about being the change I wish to see in the world, in myself first?

My current answer is “No – cuz somedays it feels as if I’m surrounded by folks who just listen to what they want/how they want and close out any other information – positive or negative. I don’t want to add to that storm – really…”

It’s NOT As If I’m totally ignorant on…

The various fronts in faith, science, lore, hardwired survival/physiological fronts that all rather contribute to our love of, desire for and NEED of positive thinking…

I just think whole sale, delusional optimism, always, on any front, is dangerous – for us all.

Thus, I choose to Label/Introduce myself First, as possible/likely ‘pessimist, cynic, realist’, just to save me and others, time, while we each assess, if we might be a good fit for each other, for awhile, while walking through life, just now.

This works for some and not so much for others, and really, is rather my personal resting point that quit moving much, about 13 years ago.

Venturing into Different World

I’ve gone into what I label as ‘enemy territory’ via reading a book, that a friend/mentor is reading and asked if I would read too, so we could do a one-on-one ‘bookclub’ to discuss.

I’m struggling to read it – and fully be open to it –

My mind quickly serves up ‘justifications’ for why, and here’s the list, of my mind chatter, that shouts loudly as I read, and I catch myself thinking,

“I’ve zoned out for nearly 4 paragraphs – distracted by me own mind chatter”:

  • “Why is this sucker 200+ pages long? Why does she repeat the same few concepts so often? This wasn’t edited for conciseness very much….”
    • “So what? Don’t you write too many words and give too many examples, too? Well that’s just the Pot calling the Kettle Black, so get over it….”
  • “Well, okay, I agree those things listed as ‘negative behavior’ to spark ‘chemicals in our body’, we are hard wired, through evolution, to have/desire, makes sense, but she doesn’t list all of ’em – just the same 3 or 4 over and over, thus, guess it’s apparent where her biases lie – “
    • “Her biases?? Her’s???!! OMG! You are not paying attention to your OWN, very much, are ya??”
  • “Maybe not, but where, exactly, has she yet mentioned the ‘addiction’ of delusional optimism and the untold harm THAT can wreak?? Hmmmm???
    • “Well, if you’d shut up and just truly read the book, you might see she did so in later chapters…”

Sigh – thus a book length I can usually whip out in a short order, has become a slogging, long journey while I try to read, and simultaenously, hold Brain Committee meetings that I’m paying more attention to than I was the last page or two of her work, I supposedly ‘read’ but, truth be told? I didn’t really ‘ingest’ with an open mind….

If nothing else, either her book and/or my relationship with my friend is getting me in touch with my never-ending mind chatter – to observe it and try mightily to not be ‘attached’ to any of it….

ALL while Pretending AS IF I’m really open minded….

I read the ‘free peek’ of the first 27 pages of the book before I purchased

(Mind chatter insert* after learning I can’t get at local library or within the library district of 4 libraries or couriered in via 184 consortium of rural libraries in the state- there’s a clue, right there, that the book sucks…was my immediate reaction, but, overcame my initial desire to give a ‘hard no, not your gal for this’ to my friend, after reading the first few pages, because, over all, I was very slightly intrigued, and figured, How bad can it be? I can give it the ‘good old college try’ cuz it appears to based on chemical/neurological studies/work of a lifetime by the author… and don’t you read stuff you don’t agree with, to try to see ‘the other side’ of things’, all the durn time?? Why say not to this request?”)

The Things I Willingly Subject Myself To….

Yup – I do this often. If I were to assess my behavior and subconscious motivations for doing such things, based only on the information held in what I’ve read in her book, thus far, here’s what this ‘body of work is telling me, about myself’:

“Well, you are being cynical, and doing this to yourself, so you can get dopamine reward, by feeling superior to the ‘others’ in your world, – and also feel ‘safe/secure’ in the herd of the virtual/them group of cynics. See? You are behaving in a competitive, addictive way and you are too dumb to even see it, all while you judge others for doing the same thing…”

My paraphrase, given what I think I’ve read thus far – or…what my lying to myself ego/brain is telling me ‘I’ve learned about me” thus far –

I may finish reading/sorta reading, and learn something new, or I might not –

I confess to already having a draft email that may/may not be sent to my friend, informing him of my ‘mid-way through reading it…and…struggling….’

I’ll try one more day – then decide whether to send or not.


I might just hit “Publish” button here, and send him the link – which he may/may not read.

I could just lie…. It would be easier …on me…

Simply send a missive and say, “Done reading! Ready for bookclub phone call” and just have the book in front of me, and say in response to his statements/inquiry, “What page are ya on? I’ll read, cuz I didn’t get that message….”

Sometimes, I tell ya, ya can ‘get by and low risk’ to engage in such lil ‘factual, but easily misinterpreted by others’, statements, that in the end, are really a lie….that you might get caught in….”

I know so – I’ve done it before! And Got Away with It!

Rewarded by being a Sinner, that I am….

Me? I prefer not to risk lies- lies beget more lies, but once in awhile? I’ve engaged in such things – worded in a way that is factually true, but I know damn well, it will not be ‘interpreted as I really meant it’ by the one I’m saying it to.

“That’s totally understandable”

is often interpreted as

“Tamrah Jo thinks I’m RIGHT!”

when really? I don’t, but they are fighting with themselves and I’m just the wall they are bouncing their ball against – for now…. and doesn’t matter what I say, it’s still for them to choose…

My preference is just telling/speaking my truth, best as I understand it, over and over in myriad of ways, so as not to confuse others – If that makes me a blunt, harsh, arse-wipe?

Well, so be it.

On the other hand….

“Done Reading” means, really “I’m Done Reading this (not finishing it)” – and, given Happy-Wappy Super Successful mindset advice?

NOT my FAULT how another chose to interpret what I said/did –

‘They’ only heard what they wanted to – which is Not my problem! is what I see repeated, over in over, in this world of Positive Thinking advice.

Just until, it is my problem – and then? Well, the only core root answer from these gurus & followers is, always, “Well, you obviously haven’t adjusted your attitude, thus, your problem alone, because you brought it on yourself through your negative attitude.”

All while I’m asked over and over, to be a follower/financial supporter to those who are helping to SAVE the collective world of Life on Earth, who also tell me if I’d just adjust my attitude, my life would be better, but when it’s not?

Well, my fault alone, has nothing whatsoever to do with the collective world and why would I dare ask for or expect support from them?

The inherent contradictions of the dogma expressed in the Positive Thinking crowd continues to fascinate me…

I Am, Overall, A Fan Of Positive Thinking

I truly believe, when we ‘think positive/have faith/cling to hope’ our various brain portions are all set to see the moments of true beauty, always – no matter what is going on around us.

We train ourselves to see the Light within the Shadow, the beauty of spirit, in the horrific moments of life.

The helpers who show up when many are running away from disaster.

While I also see over and over, examples of when ‘delusional optimism’ hurts not just the individual, but often? Collectively? Many, Many living things.

This too, seems to be labeled as my ‘subconscious, stupidity in ‘seeing patterns’ that aren’t really there – via this book, so far…as I can tell….

I’m a fan of Whatever Works (my label for it) for ‘right now’ but always re-assessing, and understanding, overall, for ourselves and the reality we live in, right now, the story of “whatever works” will change – at some point.

This is one core point, where the book’s author and I appear to agree.

Her version is:

“It’s a never ending series of choices, based on chemicals and triggers and moment-by-moment assessment for mammals to choose the option to pursue, with greatest promise of reward, and least risk to survival…”

paraphrase of multiple examples in book thus far (ad nauseum examples… see? My bias is showing up again…)

Yup – I agree –

How she manages to get from multiple examples of studies done on mammals, and link it the ‘cynicism/negative thinking’ that holds humans back – continues to sometimes leave me rolling my eyes and my inner brain committee shouting/screaming at me, on various detailed points.

Again, I remind myself, I willingly signed up to do this to myself…


Because I Love

The friend who requested I read, and ‘is curious to hear my thoughts on’ is a long time teacher, mentor, friend.

He’s also the one I call and “whine” too, when I struggle with various relationships & choices in my own life.

He’s also one of the few folks in my circle that has the patience to sit beside me while I wrestle with my ‘dark side’ and, with less judgement of me, personally?

Let’s me know when he’s not up to wading through the swamp with me.

Which I appreciate.

He’s been there for me, over and over and over, when something came onto my radar and I was in desperate need to ‘talk it over’ and hear feedback from something OTHER than me own brain committee…

He also knows how to keep his mouth shut and not divulge ‘state of me, secrets’ to enemies or frenemies – 😀

AND! I don’t pay for ‘counseling/coaching’ services – either….

So, in my mind? Now he’s asking me, about things important to him, right about now, and really, it’s not like he’s asking me to crawl through a battle worn region and risk my physical life –

Such a simple request to just read a book….Low risk to me, really…

He who requested, rather DESERVES me truly reading it – not just repeating what “I think I know” and learned long ago, no new info needed, opinion.

AND, I want to finish it, so when we discuss, I can honestly, with full candor, answer the questions he’ll invariably ask me, which, our shared history indicates to me, will be some version of:

“I was really intrigued by this portion – I thought that really rang true, what are your thoughts on it?”

I do believe he expects AND I, in me own little kingdom of ‘one’ find him worthy and deserving of something more of me than taking the easy way out and replying, verbatim, the same answer, I would have given him had I never read the book …

Or, even if I give the same answer, I want to KNOW I personally wrestled with my own biases/labels/judgment and after pondering the concepts presented, still believe the way I did, before I ever read it.

I expect it of myself, and our shared history of relationship tells me, he expects nothing more of me than I expect of myself –

A history that also includes him expecting way less of me than I demand of myself, too….

The Crux of the Matter

What really, is this slogging through to complete this task, doing for me, our relationship, his benefit? I ask more of myself, than he consistently demands of me….

Am I growing? Could have a chance to grow? Am I simply showing support to someone I care about, in the manner they requested?

Will my honest effort and our discussion of the book, truly be useful to him? or not?

I arrive at the Answer, for Now, at least…

After ‘writing it down and having a chat, with you, dear reader’ – as I often do….

It’s SOOO easy for me to drop everything and be there for ’emergency’ – death, illness, un-expecteds that REALLY upset someone’s life/worldview – and they, themselves, aren’t at their best right now – to me? That comes easy for me –

It’s where I shine, where a long, long line of experience, history and various folks are very grateful I was there, just as I was, at the time.

Such labeling of my own ‘self-identity/ego/narcissism (pick your label of me) is reinforced by the many times I walked alone through the hard times, or didn’t get the support I so desperately needed, in the manner of which I needed and figure, hmm… I’ve learned, here and there, via the kindness of strangers, how much of a difference it makes when one feels ‘not totally alone’.

It’s HARDER for me to love someone through quality time, acts of service, in forums they deem important/request, than I prioritize as really important, even while I understand, on some level, that it’s Important to THEM right now.

It’s HARDER for me to bite back words of caution to those who, for whatever reason, are gung-ho on committing to blind optimism via what I find is ‘action that may not work out they way they hope it to”

Part of this, I confess, is my way of trying to lower risk to myself – and don’t I know it! Why?

Cause when it DOESN’T work out as they hoped, for those I truly love and who count upon me, here and there?

I often am called to come in and help fix/pick up the pieces when despite their optimism and faith and hope, it all turns to shit and leaves them blindsided.

Ah, yes, dear reader, I’m often aware of my OWN lil manipulative ways, in hopes I don’t have to be a full jackass in the future and say, “I tried to warn you and No, I’m so sorry, but I don’t have the resources to help you with fallout clean up, right now, on your requested time frame…So sorry…I tried to tell ya, cuz I KNEW if it went south, what you would need/want was unlikely probable for me to meet/do for you”

Some label this part of me as inability to say “No” –

I’m fine saying “No” – To my mind, I do it ad nauseum, over and over, often it isn’t heard – no matter how harshly, bluntly I say it –

Others accuse me of negative mindset and if I just adjusted my ‘thinking’ I would have all the resources demanded of me, in short order, the moment the ‘ask’ came in –

And yet over and over?

It seems, as if, in all my glorious unenlightened and sinner ways?

Often, what I say, what I slog through doing, for Love of a soul, when and where I can? Makes a difference for them – at least for that moment in time….

Sometimes ‘being there’ for another is incredibly ‘hard’ for me, and yet ‘easy’ at the same time.

Sometimes, doing what is easy for me, and I don’t given another thought to it, seems incredibly hard for someone else and they believe my contribution to be more worthy/worth more in valuation, than I label it –

But sometimes? I just do hard things I really would rather let go of –

Just for a tad longer, because let things go well for those around me?

I need to be in ‘shape’ to walk the ‘hard times’ all by myself, and well, updating the story lines of my various Brain Committee personages is where I often choose to invest in my own resources, for me – that might also have future side benefits for another –

I may not choose NOT to do a lot of things experts in the field of exercise nutrition, self-care often say I SHOULD, but yes, I often ‘exercise’ and do hard things, such as this, because I can and I don’t resent spending the time to do so …

Until I do – and then? STILL takes me a while to walk away from such ‘exercise’ plans….

Such a little thing he requested of me

And in light of all the times he has shown me love, just as I am, where I am, over decades -why wouldn’t I just give my best effort to this attempt?

And really, I might just learn and grow during the journey of this – if nothing else than recommitting to our bond of friendship, in which hard topics and perspectives are discussed/shared and if we disagree with each other? Doesn’t mean we are now enemies.

SO WORTH Fighting To Preserve!

AS IF it were life and death –

I spend time, on doing my part, to keep such relationships alive, for as long as can, even when it isn’t really life and death.

Because it’s important to ‘that one’ and well, they are important to me – and, at end of day?

Such ‘exercises’ might, also, be really important to me and how I navigate the next time “Oh, CRAP!” that shows up in my world….

Thus, it must be done I declare.

As always, after journaling, meditating/praying? And still struggling?

Writing it out, KNOWING I’ll hit the ‘publish’ button?

Has brought some relief and clarity to the matter, for now –

Blogging here? Is part of my “Whatever Works” tool kit, for now –

Even while I’m surrounded by many worldviews/opinions around me indicating I’m ‘addicted to social media” or am, at heart, a mean, nasty bad narcissist”

And I realize, in the end, the friend that requested? Will believe me and hear my truth, and see how he is loved, by me,


I give up and say, “I struggled with it, skim read it, have the book, and want to hear your perspective and discuss, if you can bear knowing, I tried and failed in overcoming my internal biases to read with an open mind….”

Cuz, um, yup – that lil ‘factoid’ continues to come to my mind.

When I remember our past history, sometimes divided in opinion, on many fronts – and silences in between when we were rather ticked off at each other? Busy on other fronts?

Yup – that history, I do not forget, ever.

Which reminds me…why do so many Positive Thinking tomes include the ‘forget the past’ admonitions???

But that is another too many words, too long of a blog, for another day….

P.S. The more I edit for length and concise? The longer this post grows – thus – if ya hung in there this long? Well, my, aren’t you a peach!??

I’m done editing – if I keep on I’ll just end up saving a draft and being to lazy to go back and edit, again, later, and yet, someday in the future, I’ll be reminded of the ‘storyline’ of my life, and I’ll think of a similar time, in the past, and I’ll want to copy/paste, one section, of this tome, of mine, that still rings true – and I’m too lazy to type it out anew – cuz, stubborn or not, wise or not, I still feel the same way – perhaps….

3K words, published, now, for free and no one has to pay to read them?

My lil way of reminding myself, of myself, later –

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