The Past and Healing

It’s been a few hard months, internally, for the Queen of Ballybin (yup, I decided since Oakley the Wonder Dog is no longer on this plane of existence, in our shared castle, I was within my rights to upgrade myself to Queen of the Castle status! 😀 )

Physical Crap Manifests…..

There are times in my world, when physical complaints manifest so completely strong and up front, screaming for attention, I rather kick myself in the mental pants, for being so silly as to not ‘listen’ to the whispers, beforehand, that I must NOW deal with this, because physical pain now totally impedes me, doing what I want to do/need to do, just now.

This Wednesday Past –

I awoke to the day with massive lower back pain and muscle/ligament hurts so tender to the barest touch (enough to bring insta-tears to my eyes) neck area – front and back – though front area hurt the most if I even ATTEMPTED to tap, press, massage, etc.

I worked through the Checklist of Things to Try

In pure desperation, because, “Well, this s**t apparently, can’t be put off anymore….”

No doing acupressure on myself this morning – I guess….

Lower back deep ache and pain makes giving myself a ‘foot massage’ to try to ‘sneak up on the pain/resolve it’ without having to gird my loins to do to myself that which I simply can’t bring myself to do to myself- (apply pressure/touch, directly to the affected area to clear the blockage/knot/stress -whatever you wish to label it….)

Hurting – feel like crap – there will be no sound healing or tai chi, or even basic calisthenics this morning, either – I can’t bear to force myself to do so, cause I’m so worn out from pain, even putting my hands on this chakra or that one, while working through Six Healing Sounds breath/sound work seems like more than I can handle…

Seems easier to just give up – I finally gave myself cancer and it’s spread through everything and I’m gonna die here soon, and ……

😀 Yes, this is me, at my lowest!

Deep breathing exercises and essential oil mixtures I have ready at hand to heal/bring warmth and circulation/aromatherapy gifts to the ‘issue at hand’ take the edge off, some, but….welll….crap!

That is not really/fully working either – –

In Pure “too lazy to even do for myself” fashion….

I simply slap a whole bunch of SalonPas purchased ‘sticky pads’ to every neck, shoulder, lower back region I can reach (capsaiscum/menthol pads- which a family member loves, and buys in bulk, and shared a packet with me, cuz I quit buying long ago, when I learned more about doing my own essential oil/carrier oil blends.)

Sit in front of the computer, try to get something resembling work done and then……

I look up and scream – from the pain –

Not really a scream – I never got good at doing the whole horror film, high pitched scream.

(That’s a Fact, Jack! I know! I took Drama class all through high school – no matter how I tried/practiced, during ‘learn to scream well’ spring quarter for grade week? the best I could muster was a howl – a grrr for battle cry – a gutteral rendition of deep primal scream of rage and loss – much to the chagrin of my Drama teacher, who happened to be roommates with my choir teacher, who insisted, over and over,

“She can to do that high note, shrill note! She’s a second soprano, alto or tenor, whatever I need – she can scream at those higher tones, so don’t give up on her – she can do it! I know! from her singing”)

Nope, No can Do – So sorry….not happening….

You can threaten me, hound me, nag me, shame, criticize me, give me a failing grade for this section, E for effort/take incomplete/class over, whatever, but – um- nope!

What? You’re surprised? Why? I’ve told you over and over how stubborn I am, naturally…without even trying/making an effort….

By my senior year? It all turned out okay –

I still sang, here and there, 3 different parts, on various songs – when needed/put to use where I was most needed for ‘that song’ – given whatever the small choral body consisted of that year, on voice/preferance ranges.

Which means, today?

Sigh – I sing one song and sometimes I sing the melody, then meld right over to the harmonizing/undertone/alto side and or, sing the part that highlights the percussion part of the song, the deep, steady beat that marks basic tone, but throughout, expresses emphaisis in a few notes, or through silence, right now…

I’ll flow back and forth between it all, while the main tune plays out in my head, and I hear the full orchestra in my head, while outside of my head, a cappella?

Should I do such things in front of others?

Sounds like two feral cats or racoons mating in a frenzy and is really, rather jarring to those who are not wi-fi connected into the symphony playing out in my head…..

I also wasn’t ‘failed’ in Drama class either –

Thus, me being me, worked out for me, just then….

I Remember, and Look Up – Stretch my Neck as best as I can….

And make a sound in pure, primal deep, frustration – doesn’t matter what note or tone- just release the sound- adjust the tone, level, etc. as feels good… and WALLA!

I hit the right ‘note & tone’ – I can feel the vibration within – in my neck –

It sounds like a Deep Tibetan male chant – my ears tell me –

While just opening and closing my jaw, while making deep within sounds that make no sense to anyone but me, and, would embarrass or scare others, should I do so in public –

Sounds that only a mother could love, and expelling breath, intaking breath, shouting to the wind in my space, I move my head up and down, as far as I can, each way, without shutting off the stream of my own sound creation….

I close my eyes – the better to ‘feel’ the healing, know what to adjust, if need be, if you will….

My Brain Fills in what neither My Ears OR my Neighbors can report as REALLY being true…

With memories of past things experienced….

Specifically, that special Deep Throat (??) chant of Tibetan Monk – that sounds, as if, 1,000 monk voices are chanting – all from one being, one voice…..

Yup, I listened to that soundtrack once, long ago….

Soon? I am gutterally grunting all by myself and yet, in my inner world?

With eyes closed?

I’m transported to some high mountainside, ancient, earth made temple, built on principals to reflect/reverberate/surround me with sound –

I’m no longer alone in healing meself.

I’m surrounded by many other voices that chant alongside me, for their own reasons, for me, their healing or mine.

I hear it – I feel it! I KNOW it!

The voices fill my head, my body and each nod of my head, up and down, the pain eases.

I don’t even do anything, really, for my lower back – it seems it benefited from the exercise in grunting, too – enough that I realized it was ‘good enough’ to allow me to go do something, ANYTHING, today, to take one or more things off my self-assigned to-do list.

The whole session, initially, done once?

Wears me out to work shorter hours, sleep more the next few days – and this time?

I listen immediately and go to bed as soon as it hits.

It just is, and if I chafe over too much sleeping time? My own fault, I could avoided having to ‘waste’ this time, if I had ‘listened’ earlier –

But I ponder upon the Physical stuff – the rest of the week…

Long ago, a bloggy pal here, either in comments or a pen-pal email, told me that lower back pain showing up sans any information regarding kidney infection history/trauma/injury to the area, might mean I wasn’t feeling emotionally supported, just then….

Long, long ago, and I hesitate to link to the bloggy pal, because, well – I might be remembering correctly or not – who exactly it was – out of 3 choices – 1 of which has passed away, 1 I haven’t heard from in a long time and one that is alive, well and active here….many years later.

During my long ago journey into reading/learning about chakras, Aryuvedic and other eastern medicine/shamanic traditions of healing, I do believe I learned some throat/neck area thingees on inner being ‘here’s what is going on’.

You aren’t speaking your truth or even if you are, you do not feel heard.

Yup, My lil ‘remember from the past, that might help today’, brain memory bank, serves me really well, often –

Sometimes it doesn’t, but on many fronts? It does.

Over and over and over and it’s why, repeatedly, I still rather knee-jerk get geared up for a fight, or speak up in contradiction to the admonitions from others to “Forget the Past”

I also tend to be a glutton for punishment

I dive back into past trauma, hurt, emotional things for me and for others, over and over, until the lessons gleaned from the past are realized/useful AND revisiting that past no longer impacts the present, but simply reminds of us what we already know, but may have forgotten, that is useful to us, right about now.

Sometimes, I lose myself in the swamp

Other times? I end up hurting more than helping others, when I bring stuff up, they still or no longer want to remember –

Sometimes I hurt myself/others today, but later on? Even while I give lip service to the core tenet of,

Do No Harm

Sometimes, the exact thing needed in order to get one or both of us shoved hard enough to quit sitting in the middle of the swamp, feeling sorry for ourselves, when really, just two steps further into a temporary place of “We are in Nirvana – for now….!”

Is simply me, listening to my intuition that tells me, ‘Not the time to be quiet right about now – even if it sounds wrong or it might hurt another’s ears.”

Which Brings Me to Now – Sunday in My time/space zone

Yes – it’s Sunday – which, given my Protestant, Christian, early upbringing, is, on various fronts, supposed to be a day of rest, no work, UNLESS you are working for family, community, spiritual reasons, then?

It’s okay to work on THAT stuff….(on some fronts – it’s also okay to work in the garden, get up and take care of other creatures of God, that Monday -Saturday aide in one’s quality of life via personal needs OR income, but that’s not really work….)

I remain confused on the various conditions regarding what ‘working on the Sabbath’ is okay/not across many fronts – for instance,

Some believe day off and they shouldn’t work at all, be freed from all cares and worries and striving on material life planes..

And yet, for those who say this, I ask, “Okay – so you went to a restaurant for your meals – now sinners working on the Sabbath are serving you – given your dogma, shouldn’t you just not eat for today? at all? Are you allowed to draw yourself a cup of water to stay hydrated?

And thus, sigh – I just piss everyone off, here and there, often, because I take stated premises and think, “Okay – let’s play with this for awhile, and take it through a mind thought experiment and see where it is true and where it is not – for you/for others…”

I’m not really a philosopher or sociologist….

I lose my patience with the ludicrousness of much of that world LONG before Those who are leaders in those fields are ‘completely done’ with their mind thought experiment –

(Which is why I’m still not a fan of AI or Genetic modification of living things, better living through chemsitry, ancient psychidelics OR modern pharmaceuticals, crypotcurrency, just yet, even while these fields appear to be the latest, trending, bandwagons – )

Since I provide service to non-profits and small local businesses run by those who have a ‘day job’ as they build their own lil biz on the side?

Sometimes Sunday is the day I work and sometimes it’s not.

Sometimes, I take Wednesday as my Sabbath day – or Tuesday, maybe this week? Friday – or Monday….

I’m recently informed by some fundamental Christians, that I’m messing it all up, really, because the Sabbath is ACTUALLY, per true scripture, on Saturday!

Hmm…Okay, says I, you and Jewish folks are starting to have something in common that felt to me, like the ‘great divide’ about 30 years ago….

Thus, I can break Sabbath rules, all by myself, in the eyes of many No matter what day my TimeZone/Calendar says

Cuz, hey, Whatever Works right?

I also become a pagan/devil’s handmaiden in some areas, here and there, because I also use Mother Nature, shamanic Animal Spirit lore/learning, ancient mythology and cultural values of many peoples, across the world, the message of plants and animals outside my door, astrology, tarot, numerology, I Ching, Chakras, Neuroscience, Sociology, Biochemistry, Biology, Philosophy, accupressure, reflexology, essential oils, herb teas, breathing exercises, physical excercises, mental visualization…..

See how long the list is, even when I got tired typing and figured if I’m too tired to type all options/possibilities out, you would wear out reading it, even if I did make the effort???

See how guaranteed it is if I share, on any front, what worked for me, just that moment of now – someone, somewhere, will find a reason why it shouldn’t have worked, or why, even if it worked, my eternal soul or path to enlightment might be in jeopardy, or how I’m foolin’ myself, victim of placebo effect – or it’s embarrassing to another, or causes pain to another, or scared another – whatever – –

Okey-Dokey then.

I did more ‘wing it and do what feels right’ this morning – for me myself and I -cuz I had to – stuff which may also benefit others now or later, may not – we shall see…..

What I actually did was some tarot spreads – and yeah, I never lay out the cards – I just pick a ‘Spread’ to do on what I was thinking about, close my eyes, focus and shuffle – the cards simply fall out – or turn sideways – and I do such things until I have 1 or 3 or 5 or 7 or 10 cards

Sometimes? 2 fall out and I think is just one – discover as I arrange them to read, learn journal, meditate upon –


6 fall out – and sometimes 2 fall together and I put in order as the fall, and then shuffle, shuffle shuffle a bit more, asking “Is there a 5th one really? or is the 2nd one that fell behind the 4th THE 5th one??

I spent time thinking thinking about past messages given and the vision of Grandmother Snake that just showed up loud and clear while I was working in another toolset – She from collective Animal Spirit Lore, journaling (during which, here and there, I wrote out WTF???? for me myself and I….free from writing) etc.

Yup, I used and wrote down the letter to indicate the F word, all while, given the local majority agreed upon Sabbath front would be shocked and disappointed I couldn’t get over my addiction to cursing, for even one durn day, for an hour or so-

It’s hard, sometimes, to overcome your inner, early, reinforced, childhood training….to do what works and what is needed, just now.

Me, to meself, over and over and over

And yet….


Time spent in the pagan, ‘yup, you’re going to hell’ activities?

That others in my circle say (atheists and new Christians, new agers, etc.)

“Why do you even worry about that? You’re a prisoner of your past and have low self-esteem/aren’t very enlightened/a sheeple to society standards….”

Well I do such things, because I believe in Hell –

Not some ‘after I die, eternal pit of burning anguish’ type of hell, meted out from some omnipotent being above/trickster from below – but simply within myself and to be found in the world around me….

I KNOW, Hell On Earth exists

Sometimes I live in it, sometimes I cause it, contribute to it, etc.

Sometimes I bring it on myself, sometimes Hell is collectively built, manmade systems deliver it, sometimes, it just is, for reasons beyond my immediate understanding, try as I might.

I question not only those around me, but myself too – over and over and over – because I think I know, too, the truth of the old adage/cliche:

The Road to Hell is paved with Good Intentions

Thus, for me?

After doing my ‘self’ readings, EVEN though I KNOW, on so many other fronts/dogmas/scientific studies/ancient practices?

Um, Yup, I might just be lying to myself….

My memory of the past is the saving grace for myself and others

In a variety of ways.

  • Sometimes, I’m the living walking library that holds institutional memory within, when those in charge forget why they changed something on their website 2 years ago, and now, want it changed back and say, “Why is this?? It should be this way….”
    • And yeah, sometimes my mind screams at me, “BECAUSE you changed it and have forgotten” – but I don’t say outloud – I simply go back through notes/emails, etc., and say, “this is why, in response to this need/fear of outsiders, lawsuit, etc. Have those risk avoidance/goals set, now changed?” often to get the quick reply, “NOPE! You’re Right! Thanks for reminding me! DON’T change a thing!”
  • Sometimes I’m the one who encourages another simply by saying, “Okay – yes, sucks to be you, right now, I HEAR YOU! That S**T isn’t fair, I hear you! My HEART Breaks you are in this place right now – on the other had, so what? You walked through (past hard challenge) before, and felt the same way, at the time, but damn, didn’t ya survive that past thing and come up smelling like a rose after it! – you can do it again – I have faith in you. Now, what do I have, on any front, that might be of use to you, right now? Anything? Nothing? Okay – Can do that, maybe this person can help you with that – sorry – got nothing cept, I’ll listen if ya need”
  • And sometimes? It’s as simple as “Okay, everything that HAS been working, isn’t – so let’s just wing it and fly by the seat of our pants and try this….”
    • And turns out? The “this tried” I learned before and tried – mi vida loca (my crazy life ) of visiting the past, reminds me of things that might be of use, one way or another, now.
    • Possible Options that might be tried – Gleaned from past – maybe not in it’s current/need full form, but a shiny gem of something lands in my brain, my heart – pay attention to that is announced by the goosebumps on my arms, when it shows up as some random, of ‘no use, really’ brain fart/inspiration/intuition…. A breadcrumb to go off on another trail that came to me, as “low risk of harm – might reap great rewards – what does it hurt anyone, to try this??”

The Older I get…..

The more I revisit so many long ago, learned things that I tend to get to quicker, often, than I did before.

And yet, I also sometimes wear myself out trying to learn new things, that sometimes, expand upon or are born out of older things, but also?

Discombobulate me as I resist or release, the info presented is a new take, on previously learned new things, that, to my mind, has never worked out well, for me, or for those who depend upon me.

Take Away Lesson, from today’s Tarot Reading?

Ahhh… welll….um…..

Seems I am SO AWARE! over and over, how humans/our brains/our past, can get us stuck in a loop of lying to ourselves and others – that I was really, on many fronts, for many months, now, ignoring my intuition, listening to the shaming/criticizing of others, thinking, ‘It’s possible what they say is true and I’m just lying to myself”, and attempts to not to be an arrogant arse wipe, which every where I look, no matter the storyline presented, indicates is probably true, no matter how sages across time, worded it,

Am reminded to remain humble even when I go forth, thinking I’m right….

Be kind when asked my opinion, tippy toe around possible hurtful triggers for others, or following my warriors heart that cries out when I see small steps made by those I love, that SCREAM to me, a major tumble down a slippery-slope, ahead is likely – and I LOVE you too much to not say it and sorry if this hurts you….

Yup, all of those extrapolations, reductions/inductions(?) and possibilities play out in my mind…

Just Until

I simply can’t ‘bear’ sitting on the fence anymore – know, for myself, better or worse, I am still unwilling to charge forth, OR am dragging my feet on charging forth –

I can’t always and forever bear the collective weight of all the contradictions and dichotomies of it all and don’t I know it!

How do I know?

My brain tells me first, and I question it – then my heart tells me and I choose to believe, (as fail safe! valve) ” I’m just hearing what I want to hear – or telling myself what I want to hear”

Remember? humans have, through out history of having a frontal cortex area of the brain AND our greedy, grasping, fear of our own mortality fronts?

Lied to ourselves over and over….

When my body manifests it?

Oh, yes, well – congrats to me! I failed to trust my mind, my heart and now?

Nothing to do but listen, repair the body, best as I can, but also, remind myself,

“Self? You KNOW better, just why did you choose to do this to yourself???”

“Me? Well, guess I needed a reminder – a shove, to get me where I need to be for the next phase of pushing forth and growing, that seems to be looming…..a rejuvenation of spirit…. a revisit too, and a healing of the forest of trees of past hurt and trauma, here and there, until I can visit that forest and no longer get lost in it, or fearful of it, but only see the pure beauty, inter-connectedness, diversity and beauty of it.”

So that’s my Sunday Check-In

Blanket apology to all in my circle here, who find their way on just ONE path, one theology, one dogma, one spiritual practice, or one mind practice based in a disavowing of anything other than our frontal cortex/DNA hardwired by evolution biochemistry/our all to human failings/search for meaning grounded in modern studies, facts, stats and studies – –

Yup, I see a glimmer here and there, on why you commit to that path which I cannot, fully, to exclusion of all other paths – that I cannot, embrace fully –

I understand, even while I do not –

When I share my world, my concerns, my love of history, my various paths to “Whatever Works” it is not a judgement on other paths, except for to express why they did/didn’t work for me, OR a cautionary tale shared, because, despite it all, I jacked myself up practicing medicine on myself OR I see potential slippery slope looming ahead and well….I HOPE AND PRAY – that works for you, but everything in my being, sometimes, is screaming within, wishing to be heard:

“um…not certain that’s going to turn out as well as you imagine it will…..and I love you too much to stay silent”

I Might Be Right, I Might Be Wrong –

But damn! doesn’t it hurt me, over and over, when I keep silent on my journey, counsel given when asked for, etc., when I try to ensure I MAY NEVER hurt anyone’s feelings, ever, or show up in NOT the way they wanted me to/asked me to, just now….

And well – I’m me, you’re you – and here and there, for a time, or a lifetime, or awhile?

We’ll be exactly what is needed for each other or ourselves, just now – even when it doesn’t feel like it –

I KNOW All Of This…. I just forgot for awhile

Because I remember my past – But never, ever, believe it fully dictates my future and well….I just have to roll around in the mud and muck of my inner journey once in awhile to remember it for myself, and perhaps? You too.

Happy Sunday!

BTW – all of the thousands of words I write here?

Are, in the end, 1st world problems (even if that label is now being revised/offensive….)

IF I spent 18+ hours a day just keeping sheltered from heat/cold, hydrated and fed? To procreate or protect my procreations?

Meh – I wouldn’t have the time to share such things with you – thus, at end of the day? “Well, lookee there! I’m SO BLESSED with ABUNDANCE that AFFORDS ME the time and space in which to have existensial crisis in –

Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha – And yes, I’m laughing at me, and giving you opportunity to do so to – NOT laughing cynically at you/your path –

Narcisstic, ain’t it? In one way, there is nothing but me, and in other ways? It’s always about others – and yes, I still walk that path, every, damn day – within – 😀

9 thoughts on “The Past and Healing”

  1. I was reluctant to even press like on this post dear Tamrahjo because I do not like to see you in so much pain.
    Where to begin in a comment to your thoughts, your musing, deductions and observations, let alone your philosophy of life..
    You know I too have great respect for alternative healing, despite all the labels given by so called do gooders of this world, who really don’t do much good except name call, point fingers and blame. And never look in the mirror at their own reflection or bias. But again that is duality, we need perspectives and it seems some.
    So I am with you on all counts of acupuncture, acupressure, Qi Gong, and the list is endless as we endeavour to heal ourselves.

    The most powerful healing I ever found, was when I truly let every thing go.. surrendered, and healed the inner wounded little girl within myself. Once I truly embraced her and told her I loved her, and that she was worthy of being loved.. my heart opened and much of the physical pain began to heal .

    All things are possible… and I am truly sorry that you are so ill Tamrahjo…
    I wish I had a magic wand to wave to take all of your pain away…
    I send you love, and loads of healing energy that it may surround you in warmth and love, peace and calm.

    Sending love and Blessings and OMmmmmmmms deep from the throat of those Tibetan chants… May the vibration of sound help heal your pain and your spirit my dear friend. ❤
    Love Sue x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ahh, but Sue dearheart, did I not make clear I had done it to myself? Through inattention and not using my energies wisely? And, even if I am in need of reminder courses every once in awhile, due to my lifelong ability to push, push, just a little bit more, then I can rest and do what I really want to…(I do not earn my living from gardening – maybe in a year or two – but not today! 🙂 ) and don’t you see it as wonderful compared to just even 35 years ago, that so much of this information is available to many, in true form, for low/no cost other than purchase of works and the time spent to read/learn? And, while I hear your wishes for me and thank you for them, I never come back from a time of pain or illness without having some wondrous moments and leaps of inner understanding, that bit by bit, not only frees me to heal, but also makes me aware of how to better hold the space for others to heal within – is that not worth it? Worth diving into, learning from? Perhaps, it’s not that enlightened, but pain and sorrow/grief always teach me the most, with the greatest clarity, that I do not forget –

      It’s interesting to me, to, how often my animal dreams/readings and/or tarot warn me of an upcoming change, of a detox on its way, etc., and I think, “Oh, WOW! that should be interesting…” Then I just keep on, keeping on, waiting for the news to arrive and bam! Uh-oh – – they meant I should rest and detox NOW, so I don’t get so down physically – – – LOL

      I don’t know – yes, it hurts, and for me? It is harder to watch another suffer in pain than it is to walk through my own…so I hear ya – but I cannot deny cycles of my life and while often the pain/illness come swifter and harder, it also seems I’m able to heal and rise above them faster, as well – so who knows? Maybe someday I can walk the path as you do – 😀 Perhaps I am greedy for the knowledge gained and so, am unwilling to ‘let go’ of these lessons – who knows? Certainly not I, at this very moment – 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Dreamtime is very interesting of late TamrahJo.. Just you take care of you.. But you will do as you always do… lol….. May your healing soon speed in the faster lane… Sending love and hugs your way ❤

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Getting better every day – – even made homemade mustard and man alive! Will certainly clear the sinuses AND now! I have it on hand for early intervention – – I look back and see, I got complacent on my everyday diet/self care – – but reminder delivered! 😀


    2. P.S. – Learned and tinkered with some new blends in both herbs and essential oils this go around – very pleased with the results! And now have new recipe cards for viral flu hits – 😀

      Liked by 1 person

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