Sometimes, when I lose my way in the internal, the external, the learning more, resting upon the wisdom of the past that continues to serve me well and getting all of these things cause confusion on knowing the way forward, that feels congruent within my heart? And feels right for the external world needs of me?
I just HAVE to take a music and ‘connection’ break –
Soon I will once more catch up in my Reader –
Sharing the Music – 😀
Of the songs my mind simply trucks out to me, on various fronts, when I attempt to keep up with the changing world around me, knowing I must grow and meet the needs of those around me when/where/best as I can –
Yakety Yak (The Coasters)
I sometimes wanna just go dancing/run away from ‘work’ home – early training on duty, responsibility & integrity do not go away – quick or easy – I say – 😀
And yet, I don’t want them too – because I learned early on, from my dad – everything is ‘work’ and yet, if you love it – bring your best to it? It’s never, really, work, afterall…..He was a ‘self-help’ guru ahead of his time, declares I …. 😀
Livin’ on a Prayer (Bon Jovi)
Then, also, there are the times when I think, “Pull on your fave jeans, even if they have rips in them, put on your boots, strap on your safety harness so you can fly by the seat of your pants, but…well…Who knows? If ‘we’ll’ make it or not – but let’s give it a shot…..
Often I read news/updates/blog shares from parts of the world/fronts that I know little to nothing about, not really – and yet – – in my heart & mind? I hear struggles that may be different from mine, and yet….are all to much the same….
Out of Africa (Toto)
Those times when we need to listen to the whispers instead of the drums…
When the wild dogs speak in the night – looking for solitary company…
A song which leads me to two songs that played through my mind, this week, as I ran local errands, observed and chatted with women in my locale – young – middle of the journey – one recently emancipated from a hard home life, three others emancipated so long ago, within, they don their ‘sassy pants, feisty pants, feeling good, want to be comfortable’ pants/skirts, for whatever the day dawns as –
And we celebrated, together, the freedom to dress as the day and our inner spirits called to us, for….
Gloria (Laura Branigan)
Ahhh… Those times when we each work, practice, improve – reach for the stars – fly high – fall on our arse!
And those who cheer us on, whistle and remember the glory days of yore, and yet, sit on the side lines – in shocked silence or silent pleas – “Get up! Get Up! Don’t Give Up!”
What A Feeling (Irene Cara)
Those times when we start, hit a bump, and say, “I’m starting over – ” and then just listen to the music within and go for it, with the joy and passion that lives within our heart – all out – no holding back – for better or worse –
Salva Regina (Sister Act Choir)
Sigh – I tend more towards the ‘what’s the issue? What are the options? choose and let’s go forward, side by side, as we can/are helpful to each other” – and when I’m deep in overwhelm on many fronts?
I go dark and quiet, focused only on high level issues – possible solutions that might meet the needs of many AND save me, too – and I ‘shave time spent’ on being kind/silent, by stating, often bluntly or harshly, “Okay – so – you aren’t alone in this challenge – many, including me, struggle with this too! So let’s look at options…we figure this out – helps us now, helps other’s later ….”
Um…I often get out of balance between my dual energy sides, as labeled and seen from outside looking in, as male/female energies in the dualistic society I was born/raised within –
If it’s mine to do and/or folks think I’m the one to ‘do it?’
I often, cannot help myself –
Well…if it’s THAT important and you’re demanding I do so for you, I must be your last, thread of hope…..How I hear demands/criticism of why I can’t just hurry up and do ‘such and such’ which shoves me into – a choice…
Shove me into a Choice? Like right Now?
If I take on? Um….This is rather the higher calling I hear in my heart – whether I’m going into ‘total war’ or just this battle front or the other – I mean, I have to gird my loins to motivate and keep me going when I’m tired or overwhelmed, right??
Thus, often, when Life throws me requests from folks that think, I somehow have every skill, talent, answer they are in search of? I go dark & determined on them and they, with eyes wide, stutter in shock over it – –
Whoa! WHOA! WTH??? Why are you so deadly serious and harsh about this????? I was just VENTING!!!
and I reply…
Well – you said it was important – and you were asking for backup and said it was REALLY, REALLY important – like, you might DIE if such and such doesn’t happen – and I couldn’t talk ya out of it – but, well – okey-dokey, I’m not your best bet, I gave you loads of other story lines/options to pick from, but you are in panic mode now and well…this is what it looks like….me, showing up, for you, in the way you insisted upon – though you didn’t realize the hard core truth of me when you insist-
Then? The Aftermath/During Math – I have to re-align myself – often!
I gotta just shake it off, sing, dance, give thanks for, ask for blessings from the Mother side of all things above and below – and where the two fronts meet in the middle – no matter my range of voice, how graceful or clumsily enthusiastic?
I just gotta reconnect with and remember – where I can be nourishing and forgiving, and put aside my preferred way of thinking,
“Well, you’re telling me, so obviously, you think I can help you with that – so – let’s take stock of where you are, what ya have in resources, what ya got in internal energy and find a way forward…oh – you think ya have nothing left? Want me to just ‘handle for ya’??”
Okay – you may/may not like how ‘me just handling it, just now, really looks like….just a saying….
Um…when some, many? Would have been better served if I had just listened and silently sent love and blessings and never breathed a single, blessed word of my ‘make no mistake, we are going into the field of battle, and this is where your resources lie with me, when/if I choose to take the field of battle by your side…?” 😀
The Lawman (Billy Walker)
To me? The wheels of justice grind slow – and sometimes, against all odds, even when you UNDERSTAND why someone did what they did/are acting the way they act – there is, at the end of the day – the hard line drawn for myself – (some call it boundaries – some call it duty/loyalty, some call it patriotism or nationalism) ….
And yet, to me?
Often, there is only the understanding within/without and picking the side I can live with, the side I’m willing to stand on – and then communicating that – best as I can – and so – I revert back to Cowboy Ballads….in the wild west – where the male/feminine sides of energy and living people, made choices/walked paths, simply because – they couldn’t bear to walk away from the gifts of their dual side – here, on earth – or those spirits and land they loved – just now – no matter how that side showed up in earthly form –
Cross The Brazos at Waco (Billy Walker)
The Lawman (Billy Walker)
I still hold grudges against many portions of modern society that systemically chipped away at the strength and will and belief of my Dad – one lil ole change at a time, that killed his belief in the American Dream, Meritocracy, And Quality work, service to others led to an abundant life rich with what was needed to care for his own, family, friends, community, the vulnerable, etc.
The dawn of modern governing and economic systems first nipped at, then, no matter how he worked/destroyed his body, chipped away at my Dad –
And so, I too, have turned the barren sod, laid away my loved one and vowed my own personal vengence on systems that did that to him and continue to do it to others – including me – or including those I love – I’m not up for carving notches on a gun unless someone backs me into a live/die corner – come pick a fight with me, and yet – still – deep within my heart?
I haven’t yet let this inheritance and experience – go – to be laid to rest in the past – not completely – just a bit here and there, as I go along Life’s way….
Jacob’s Ladder (Mark Wills)
But when the world around me hedges me in – overwhelms me? When I wrestle with myself and the things that show up in my world? I think about Jacob, the angel he wrestled with, the ladder for climbing up to higher ground/intent….
Girl Next Door (Brandy Clark)
and then…sometimes…I just don my ‘sassy pants’ for the day ahead – or what showed up – and think, to myself, “Well, um, what did ya expect from me, really? I was fairly blunt and honest over my ideals, pragmatic and flawed ways – ….” 😀
JUST FYI – No one wants to date me – on relationship fronts – but to me? so many ‘love’ songs, for good or ill, still, speak to my heart on human connections –
…and yes, I hear the lessons of the past – but in the end – when my heart breaks on any front? It ain’t my mama’s broken heart – I’m a woman born into an ever changing system that still wants to make every woman into a Madona or Whore – a Virgin, Mother or Crone -with no labels for all sides of us –
But “Never Let ’em See Ya Cry ” is something I understand –
It still confuses me that men are more accepting of me cussing or crying than my circle of women friends are – me? I guess, perhaps, I ain’t doing it right…for female energies as accepted, in this day and age –
Mama’s Broken Heart (Miranda Lambert)
and, at the end of the day – well – I struggle with myself, and then report in – just so folks who are struggling, themselves, too, never think in social media land, they walk the path alone – –
And – only three songs left really, for me…overall that I come back to over and over – come home, gain comfort from and right myself within- to guide this life I see, and live within – 😀
Two Worlds (Phil Collins)
Uptown Funk (Bruno Mars)
…and sometimes, nothing left but to listen to decades of music – watch decades of folks dancing in a moment of time – to remember –
Life is a Dance – even when it feels like an oopsie or stumble –
…and someday – whether we lead or are backup –
Whether we sit quietly within ourself, get caught up in the joy of the moment or do a version of ourselves here and there, when we have stage fright, want to ‘nail this’ or go for the gusto???
We Shall Be Free (Garth Brooks)
* as performed in a High School Auditorium, with Blue Jupiter and ‘the backup choir’)