Yup – I’ve been at the cross roads of more ‘accidents’ in my life time, than I really wish to discuss – –
But, um, the as I sit and stew, tonight over 2.5 second memory, operations, etc., why not update my blog – and hold on, for one more day, that tells me, over and over, this sphere of connections? No longer what I thought it really meant – –
So fine, let us talk about accidents –
I…. STILL! Sometimes fight the anxiety as I approach the left hand turn lane, at the intersection that changed my life, in 2015, and changed my belief over insurance, regulations and enforcement of ‘law breakers” – here’s the pics of the vehicle, broadsided, t-boned, by uninsured driver and since, EMS thought my back/neck pain from ages worth of ‘stress’ pain, meant, I might be truly hurt, but doctors and insurance companies said…
“Walk it off – you’ll be fine! Soft tissue damage only! Quit yer bitchin’ and whining over meeting daily needs, will ya???”
To my mind? way too many hours in the driver’s seat waiting for someone to safely ‘extract/save’ me –
Too many hours in ER waiting as muscles and tissues burned, ached more and more, all while I was told, “No, no broken bones and no battery acid burns” even while, my brain remembers that day that I turned away from trying to turn towards my son, in the passenger seat, and put myself between him and the Dodge Ram 3500 barelling toward us, after it slammed into a smaller sized truck, making a left hand turn, and that didn’t even slow it down, I realized – I’m dead stopped – the median, the signs, the light, the traffic all around me which makes it impossible for me to shove into first and ‘get out of the way’ options, are really, over – he’s gonna hit us and it’s not going to be fun….
And, in my mind, I turned towards my son, and said, “He ain’t gonna stop and we are gonna be hit – – I love you.”
And I spread turned my back to incoming – and tried to be as big as I could, to shield that which I loved – my son –
Is that really how it happened? Maybe, maybe not – maybe, after so many years I believe in my brain I did better than I really did – but always, STILL! to this day – I remember being covered in glass – trying to call 911 to report the accident, while a battery and running engine/fan were less than 6 inches from my face -..
Alas, I dropped the phone, and realized, as I heard the voice of the 911 dispatcher say, “Hello? Hello? Where is your emergency? Are you there?” and I was pinned and couldn’t figure out how to make me, the space I was in, or my mind or body do, just then, what I KNEW needed to be done – and then, at my side, on driver’s side, came a voice….
“ma’am? miss? Can you hear me? Are you okay? Talk to me!
And I said, “my back is on fire – move away – I think there is battery acid everywhere – my back is on fire!
And he said, “I’m an EMS provider from Texas, here on vacation, just hold on, let me check…”
While I sobbed, screamed, scolded, “the battery is ruptured, my back is on fire – move away – don’t get it on yourself – his engine is still running – I can smell the fire – please, for the love of god! Save my son, get him away from here – I’m okay to go – just please! save my son!
And doncha know?
That man, from Texas, I always remember calling him Joe, and I can’t tell you if that was is real name or not… I remember him staying at the window, far from where I could or felt like, turning my head, to ‘see him’ – I remember his voice, assuring me my son was safe, and okay – that nope, the battery intact and I wasn’t drenched in acid – and always, his voice saying, ‘sit still – don’t worry – help is on the way’ all while I wanted to get out of that deathtrap that a few moments before, had been my beloved vehicle that didn’t leave me stranded along the road way –
Over and over folks told me ‘wait for help, they are coming’ and ‘sit still don’t move, ” all while all I wanted to do was get the hell out of where I was at – if only by 3 feet or so….
I remember the additional road rash that I nursed along, the following weeks, because neck braces and backboards, and moving folks onto such things, mean bare legs get moved over shattered glass…
I remember the investigating officer showing up at where I was waiting to be treated, or told ‘no big thinggee, quit taking up ER space for such small silly things’ who said, “are you okay? What’s your version of events? Was his light red? ” and I’m laying there, my back on fire – covered by sheets, cuz ER decided easier to cut my clothes off me than work around the shattered glass – sigh – and I did tests, stood, tried to not cry or scream from the pain of lifting my left arm up while scans and xrays were taken, EVEN after the investigating officer had already told me, “Um, we will investigate, but it’s most likely the driver who hit you, is uninsured…” and thus –
I was quickly released, after due dilligence done to avoid lawsuit, and after folks informed of my net worth, and insurance coverage of that SOB that rammed into us – and my back was still on fire – it was on fire while my mom drove me and our son to the tow yard to retrieve the groceries purchased, to take home – it was on fire and hurting the entire time (although, I got used to it…after so many hours – power of the mind, doncha know) and NOT until, 12+ hours later?
Did I arrive home, peal off the paper scrubs style shirt and pants, the hospital discharged upon me, well – not until THEN, when we arrived home and I said, “Mom? My back still hurts with fire – will you look at and see if peroxide needs be put on it?”
And the picture of my left shoulder, above – with the swelling high up, the broken skin lower down, and the starting to show the bruising, is the only picture I have – to try to tell ya about it –
And yet – for the love of all that is holy! Over 7 years ago! I wasn’t permanently damaged or busted back fully, to ‘starting all over, once more’ but let WordPress give me a prompt?
Ah – yes – I still struggle, sometimes, everytime I approach that intersection and realize, I must run a red light or be first in line, in the left hand turn lane –
the median has been expanded – the ‘white line’ on where one is to stop/wait, is further back – the white camera’s perched on top of signal lights, on all directions, are still there – whether they work/are hooked up or anymore use than their uselessness, 7 years ago? When I spent 18 months, telling this, that, another person, the same story, over and over, “I don’t know if he had a red light! I did! I was stopped! and why are you asking me? What the heck are those cameras over the signal lights for, if not to tell you what you wish most to know????”
It sucked – and it was about the time I got hard arsed about how rules/regulations are only to enforce about those who care about them – or show up to answer for their failings – everyone else? Meh – they just do what they want and either they have a better deal by breaking the law, or they have the resources to buy their way out of having to follow the law –
And yes, so many I know didn’t fare as well as I did, from a t-bone/car crash – I know it! DON’T I know it!!!
But when the fear and anxiety hit, as I approach that intersection, still, here and there – over time –
When I realize the laws and such are only for those willing to follow them, or willing to pay the true price of breaking them?
When I try hard to explain to someone else, “Yup – I know a bit of how the past sometimes shows up and paralyses ya, in the moment? How hard one can work to heal it, forget it, but not the lessons learned, and all? I’m not asking for your pity, sympathy or telling ya my ‘bad story’ is somehow ‘better than yours’ – I’m just saying..and trying to tell you –
“Yup, I know about those demons of the mind, soul and memory – and perhaps, you’ll never fully defeat them, but for tonight, for just now, I’ve listened, and I’ve told you why I understand, and believe you brave to talk about it – but now – for tomorrow, what are ya gonna do/wish to do that doesn’t allow the demons of your memory, be in power?”
Cuz that’s all I know how to do – This is what it is, just now – whether I’m at my best, or not – there is nothing to save me from any of it, other than….vowing…
“I will not – let THIS, destroy me! I WILL NOT!”
Over and over and over –
Let us see, shall we?? How long WP thinks it a good idea to urge me to write to prompts, shall we?? I bet I last longer than they do – 😀
8 thoughts on “Fine…what the heck? Let’s do the Prompt….”
What an experience. I was broadsided around 15 years ago. On the driver’s side. Fortunately, the other car hit my car just behind the driver’s door so I escaped with no injuries, although my car was totalled because the impact destroyed the rear axle. I can totally appreciate how you might feel uneasy whenever you drive that stretch of road.
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What frustrates me most is I WORKED my mental/cellular/affirmations over and over, to ‘heal/move past’ because – well – I have long cared about such stuff, and know, about 1,000 and one ways ‘heal’ in this way or that – but let me get under stress, or feeling pushed/rushed/attacked by the world around me??
Sigh – instead of a slight twinge – of ‘well, crap – first in line again – still not willing to run yellow/pink/red light to avoid – but well – please! Let me survive this intersection – one more time…Okay – it’s fine – look at the changes and improvements – it’s different now – move on! Nothing to see/worry about here!” pep talk to myself?
So quickly descends into, depending how many other burdens/challenges I flying by the seat of my pants to navigate? turns into, sometimes?
DAMN NEAR an Anxiety Attack – which – I mean, really, I recognize it, I understand it, I know ways to help others caught in the grip of it – and yet – after all that work/knowledge applied in this way or that?
I find myself, here and there – having to talk myself ‘down’ instead of jumping out of the car, running around in the middle of the roadway and screaming! “SAVE Yourself! DO NOT EVER stop at this intersection! NOT SAFE!! NOT SAFE!!!
I didn’t know what to do – last week – bringing a friend home from Dr’s appt who is more vulnerable than I to such things – as I watched a pedestrian with a ‘raise funds for this cause/that’ can walking along the way – I waved him away – while mouthing “Sorry – merry christmas/happy new year, move on” – and he did –
Me? I wanted to climb out of the driver’s side and give him what for, how unsafe, how he was adding another layer of unsafe to the intersection and just CONVINCE him of is folly and my fear for my life, my passengers life, his life – for, it played out in my mind – IF! it happens again? after Christmas and everyone in a hurry and lookin’ out for #1 again?
Instead of a battery/fan 6″ into the driver’s seat?
I would have to live with and deal with his mangled body that got caught between two heavy mass entities – for the rest of my life – –
He moved on – and I’m glad I didn’t give into the urge to ‘educate’ him, when really??
At that moment? I could justify to myself I was doing a ‘public service’ but not really –
I was trying to save what tad bit of sanity I still have left, for that place in space – when I’m not at my best – for, if such a thing, happened?
I don’t know if I’m strong enough to overcome that additional layer – so, in the end, my ‘urge’ was really, just for me, just then – 😀
And I realize, “MMMM…..more work to do on meself and my daily life/experience of it….”
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No one, ever, wants to believe that such things play out as they do, though 1,001 or more examples of it, play out, every durn day – in the world – I watched this morning the shock, horror, pity of newscasters who cried out for Ukraine and the war, but they showed, fully, a town under constant fire – full, so they say, of elderly, and showed the clip of the elderly woman who said, “well, we used to duck, and you don’t know, but now? we have gotten used to it and we are just waiting for life to get back to normal…” –
Think about it…. Put folks in the same hits, over and over? They don’t cringe or fear it anymore, they just say, “okay, woke up alive, so ever lovin tired of having to deal/live with this’ and yet – over time?
Folks get used to the hits and they just don’t think about it anymore, really, other than, ‘ya, so what? That’s just how it is” –
Overall, over my life? I’ve been extremely lucky or blessed when the hard hits come – and yet, I recognize the failures in systems that let me and many! down, over and over, even while such systems demand from me, undying loyalty – and so – I do what I do – make fun of myself and everyone else, all at the same time – only way I know to live with it, without ducking for ‘cover’ every 2.5 second of the day – 😀
Was he insured? Did you get recompensed for your car?
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No – he wasn’t after he and his son, who owned the business he was ’employed by’ led a merry chase through 4 various insurance investigators – I was compensated for the two tow bills and out of pocket expenses by the body shop to ensure the frame wasn’t bent, the door/windows replaced, with salvage parts, for what I could afford + what my mom put on her credit card and I made monthly payments until it was paid off – the only reason? I wrote my ‘victim’s assistant’ letter, finally, year+ later, to the judge – and said, “I couldn’t do what I needed to do – doctor’s said no lasting damage and just soft tissue damage – my vehicle old enough, even if it is declared ‘totaled’ that pay out would replace it’s engine or reliability – I ain’t asking for compensation for my time, showing up for interrogations from the insurance companies – I ain’t asking for ‘pain, suffering’ on mental/frustration fronts – I made it through – but here’s the bill for the tow companies after one after another insurance companies demanded that truck be moved from here to ‘their folks’ and then said, ‘oh, wait…that’s not covered, by ‘our client’ – etc. That truck? towed to ‘tow on rotation’ which I told the State Patrol when they showed up while EMS crews were doing their best to take care of me and not letting me get out and just go do what needed be done – why? Well – I worked at State Patrol for awhile, some years ago – and if a company is on their ‘rotation roster’ ? Well, they aint liars or cheats – overall – and the folks at the tow company I remembered long ago, calling, in the dead of night, on rotation, and said, to a ‘what??” dead tired, grumpy voice? I said, “hey, it’s Tamrah at CSP – got a call for ya if ya want it – if not – hang up and I’ll move on to the next one” – often after I had called upon that same person, many times, for the past 8-12 hours or more(depended upon whether a blizzard had the roads shut down and nothing ta do, but brew another pot of coffee and solidier on – doncha know – ) 😀 The ONLY reason the bill on their front – and the work they did to prepare, and then carry the insurance company bills, didn’t get turned over to collections? Well – back then, even though so many years, the folks who ran that company said, “We remember you, and okay, we’ll get it ready – okay – nope, we’ll keep your vehicle here” but they never, ever, hounded me or blamed me for BS games played by those at fault – and I sold that vehicle, 3 years later, to a young family in need of a 4-wheel drive with better gas mileage than the older model they had – I told them – “the driver’s door doesn’t seal as tight as it should – but – the battery new, engine mainetenance, drive train and brake checked and she may not look purdy, but she’ll get ya there and back- ” Seems like, last I knew? That Explorer carried a wife, who commuted 1+ hours through country roads, and blizzard/bad weather conditions, on less gas money, for a couple of years, before I lost connection with them – cuz ya know – I ain’t family – just some gal, that sold a vehicle when she had two and had to choose – ‘do I want comfy/gas mileage per gallon? Or do I figure out how to haul home compost, wood chips or other stuff, in the back of this lightweight SUV???” I chose to keep my 1998 F250 – that has big dents in it from the 3 sisters tornado/summer storm from 2014 – but – well – it starts up and doesn’t leave me stranded in the middle of the night as I drive home from work – and so – well – alas, sometimes? for me? vehicles are better than people – sad, but true – in my world – but, back to what you asked – the only reason It was EVER taken care of was because I told one judge, one time, “If you don’t order this restitution during the ‘driving without insurance’ trial? Then Justice will not be served – in your hands – you will do what you choose to do – but if you don’t do it? It’ will never get done….” – – I guess, for me?
A noble and ethical judge just happened to be drawn from the pool, for that trial – I guess – and I lucked out, really – when I gave up on Justice in some form or fashion EVER being served, ever, for folks like me – 😀
Can’t imagine why someone wouldn’t be forced to pay restitution even if they don’t have insurance. Doesn’t make sense. The innocent person hit has to pay for it… why shouldn’t the one responsible be made to?
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I learned, during my time working as admin support in law enforcement and then, for a short time, at the local District Attorney’s office? And then, as ‘subcontractor hired help’ to cover admin positions for those who worked for Defense Attorneys who rarely did anything pro bono? Ah – well – I might be wrong, but to me, even though, I count among many friends who put up with my cynicism – justice is purchased by those who can buy it – everyone else? Up to the mercy of the ethics and morals and justice of the people who preside over their proceedings – doesn’t matter which side they find themselves upon and while I personally admire,respect and call, ‘my friend’ some attorneys and judges? Overall – I gave up on believing, long ago, true justice is rarely served – to many ways for folks to ‘buy their way out of it’ and nothing,much, to my mind, ever changes – on most fronts – thus, I talk about it, share my opinion, but, realize, I might as well say so to a brick wall, for all the difference it will make, for real people, in real time, over time – sigh – 😀
But, give me my own story to tell? Where folks, who question whether I’m a lying or not, to try and prove my reasoning for being a cynic? Funny, but it never backs up on me, really – why? Cuz those who buy their way into half-arsed justice know durn well they are doing so – and really – I’m not worth paying for a ‘hit’ on and yet, they know, in their heart – they can’t provide proof to say it’s different – thus – they choose to ignore and go about their merry way (ARGGH! Sorry! I just used the word ‘merry’ when you are worn out over that word!) But, in my world? It is what it is and sometimes? I can’t shut up about it, already – – LOL
P.S. – the Guilty party got a nearly 2 year, interest free loan, to come up with the money, to pay for base costs to the innocent – and that’s just how the greater world works – to me, over and over, not just for me, but for many, though those I admire, still want to believe it doesn’t, simply because, they haven’t yet, had to face the truth of it, yet – 😀