Saying Adieu to Crutches – 2023…

I have my crutches and addictions…
Much like I believe most humans do…
Some acceptable,
Some not…
Some okay in this ‘circle/arena’
But NOT over at another one….

The one I struggle the most with – is nicotine –
An addiction my physiology was,
I like to think, born into this world with…
I mean, really??
If science tells the truth?
Of our inherited physical needs,
In nutrition?
In cellular memory of hard times our forefathers & mothers survived?
Long enough to procreate?
And create, through pleasure or pain,
Another living thing,
That survived their childhood?
With external support or not?

My body came into being from tobacco producers and consumers –
Early vaping options to get some pharma grade, pure, nicotine,
Sans tar, the additives, chemicals to keep cig papers flame retartdent?
Sans the “ughh! This sucks!” side effects of PG?
The try to add more tomatoes, peppers and eggplants, into my diet?
Potatoes, too, though that bumps up against nutriitonal advice,
Regarding obesity, health, triglycerides….
When my body remembers the winter seasons of long ago….
And says, “Pack on the fat NOW! to survive until next spring!”

Sigh – my mind, my anxiety, my heart? my soul?
Has NEVER gotten to ‘zero nicotine needs’
No matter how many ways I approached it….
No matter, when I could afford – regular holistic support from experts…
No matter how modern medicine & pharma said,
“Here, take this anti-depression’ drug, it is approved for quitting smoking….
No matter the gum, the patches, the various ways,
Folks tried to fix me and my addiction to nicotine?
Via herbal formulas, tinctures, strict menus to follow –
Acupuncture, Chiro, Reflexology, meditation, tai chi, yoga, pilates –
Learn the moves – learn the reasons why –
Strengthen my will power – quit cold turkey – taper it off, day by day –
None of them, worked long term…not for me….

Let me get overwhelmed by needs of hard hits to those around me…
Let me get asked for more than my mind, my soul, my heart can work through,
In 2.5 seconds, a day, a week?
Let me keep my cool during hateful meetings,
Let me listen to the needs and info that just got shared with me,
In planning to go forth, meetings ?

I take a break, ask for a break –
I can do tapping, reflexology, fix a cup of tea, take a walk…
Clean something…
And yet, overall?
Nothing get’s me back to the place to ‘do what needs be done”
in way that over and over, seems to work – for me –
Than pacing around the ground outside, sometimes barefoot…
Or pacing in my living room….
While plying my body with nicotine in tobacco form –
I use the patches, though I have to be careful on time of day –

Otherwise, I have nightmares in middle of night –
And if I am not fun, or smart, or useful sans nicotine?
I’m a holy terror and not even ‘doable’ on lack of sleep –
I know this, about me…..

But, I also know – I’ve never lied, cheated or stole,
I’ve paid utility bills, medical bills, food and diaper bills,
And done without, even while really grumpy over it,
And said, “Nope, this more important, just now”
Than me buying cigarettes – so it’s okay, really, right?

NOPE! I answer to myself – – and don’t I KNOW it!
Even while I stumbled on with heavy feet, carrying,
A pregnant body, that through ‘taper off” and work needs….
Was grateful for the main grill cook whose hands shook,
Because he spent his ‘whiskey budget” to ‘gift”
To the single mom, with 3 young ones,
In need of formula, or diapers, or heat,
That day, oh-so-long ago!
Where pregnant, not at my best, soon to be single mom!
Worked a double with him –
The Him that all around me said, was mean,
Was volatile, and bullying –
To not torque him off by calling out or putting up,
Yet another ‘substitution/special request”
Onto the wheel…

And me? Saw the shaking hands….the glowering brow…
I never learned, to fear, in my youth,
As so many waitresses I worked with,
Had – –
But I shook in fear, on swollen feet,
With aching back,
To say, “Um…sorry, but can you add this on? take this off?
They requested while I flew by to fill coffee & tea fronts…”

And out he flew – through the kitchen door –
The big butcher knife he used for so many ever things!
In his shaking hand….
“Where is that table?”
He growled…then looked at me, and smiled….
“Don’t bother….”
And off he made his way – to the table of 8 in the very back,
Of overflow dining room seating –
Normally, closed off, cuz not needed….”

I froze – wondering what I could do –
If that moment said, I must save others, even if…
It meant sacrificing myself and my child to be –
I hesitated, and waited too long –
And, Glory BE!

No screams, no cries, no cussing, from that back room,
And HE quickly re-appeared, on the waitress walk,
As he made his way back to his grill….
and said to me, with a cynical smile,
“Try not to be so scared! I know what they want – it’s been handled….
Now, get back to work!”

And I got such a huge tip from that table –
I to this day, known not what he said or threatened –
But none of them looked frightened or oppressed,
And they said to me, “Thanks so much for what we wanted”

But still – on addiction fronts – for him or myself??
A voice within says to me –
“It’s not okay! It’s just another form of a crutch!”
And while I may JUDGE in my heart –
The non-smokers….socially better than I….
Whose front lawns are watered mid-day….
in 106 degree heat …
And I hold the space for them to be so wasteful of water….
While they judge me for my smoking addiction….

While I reply, in my mind and heart, to those who
Shop till they drop, for things they don’t need,
Or who drive 40 miles, to get one thing, for last minute request….
Who say, “You should quit smoking, it’s not good for the planet…”
And I think, “You should plan shopping/travel times better – you’re lack of planning is killing us ALL on MANY Fronts!!!”

Alas – why did I start writing this?
Cuz I am gonna try to walk away from another addiction,
That plagues me and many, just now –
The social media sphere –
Including here –
Even while, my long time bloggy pals?
I shall miss….
My desire to read/assess and see,
“Good fit for me? Give thanks? Feedback?”
“Sigh, another person, that for whatever reason…
believes that I’m a good fit to follow and read and like and comment”
To get those damn stats shoved up in daily reports….
Maybe sell more wares or books – and yet….
I remember the days of long ago –
Where I came here, to connect and discuss,
To learn/grow, expand my horizons in knowledge and wisdom- internally…
Share what I had learned, along the way –
Show appreciation where my load lightened –
But, for me, who knows how to speed read,
But still don’t like it, some 30+ years later???

Who can easily read a post, speak to, perhaps, one sliver …
Of how someone far from me?
Buy just a small % of books published each year,
(Self-published & indie author books hit 250,000 some years ago…
or at least, as my memory recalls…)
That I can shove into budget/have lifetime to read….
In a different life/land/experience than I?
Perhaps, here and there, we have something in common….
and perhaps…we can start a dialogue there –

Ahh – – but doncha know?
This too, has become a crutch –
It’s the place I flee too when I’m not certain within,
Whether I’m growing/changing quick enough to do what is…
Required, needed, asked of me….

When I struggle, with overwhelm and write way too many words….
(just like this!)
And go off on various tangents, to try to describe….
(just like this!)
And realize, once more,
Ever more –
Pretty much?
On all fronts….
In person, in cyber-land?
I’m often left with the “Devil’s Advocate” voice within….
“I do not exist, unless I’m producing, consuming or needed”

And I continue to feel this way,
Though, overall?
I mentally realize this is probably NOT, just now,
The internal voice I should be listening to….

But the internal voice that drowns it all out?
The internal voice instilled, trained, born within of?
That, right or wrong?
Yells the loudest?

“Do the job that earns your keep, don’t care if it’s hard, or overwhelming…”
“Care for those you signed up to care for, don’t care if give an inch/take a mile fronts”
“Quit wasting your time here, to connect, for feel goodies – Unless you commit to writing or editing and actually publishing one your WIPs…”

Because, for good or ill, the landscape in cyber land,
Human expectations and goals for what it can do for the average joe/jane….
And what connecting here, really means, in modern world…
That I may, may not, fully understand???
Be able to live with?

Alas, been thinking on it since last May –
I know my ‘crutches & addictions” –
I sit with them….
I listen to the external feedback….
Over and over and over –
From so many! Here, there and yonder – and…
I confess….

I started to really struggle on many fronts – around May 2021 – –
I talked about it –
I shared it –
I tried to fix myself,
Get my mind, my body, my heart right –

But now?
It has piled up for so long, in so many ways?
On so many fronts?
um, yeah – I’m going back to what I know –
Shut up, don’t talk about it….
Don’t tell others what me, myself, needed to hear…
Shut out the world, even if I may later regret my timing of such things –
No MORE insta-replies to texts –
No MORE shoving in ‘new trajectory” last minute requests –
No MORE being available 24/7 to many, every bloomin’ day –

And, well –

Sadly? This is still the truth of me, deep down….
no matter how much I share on ‘learning to be nice, and live in my heart”
No matter how I believe that kindness, compassion, etc., can heal the world…

Whether of my own making or not speaking up harshly long ago?
Well – this is where I’m at now –
I must sink into what I know works –
For me – to survive – and not destroy in frustration,
Something I’ll regret later – –

And so, just to “quit cold turkey” for a time?
I bid my social support circle, here, adieu –
Well – because I CANNOT give as good as I’m getting!
Because I love being here, and am ‘babied’ along here –
And, my experience tells me –
No matter how much I love, enjoy, run to, sink into, give gratitude for?
None of that time changes my daily reality to live with, really….

Thus, sadly, I must report – –
This is off the cuff, as if a poem or prose, but not really –
post…and I shall post, log out and will exercise self-control…
Over logging in for ‘the crutch’ that I tried to justify,
Explain how it was better for me –
Cuz, really?
Nope – not until I face life as it is, here and make notes,
on how I shall move forth, to build a life I can once more live with,
Without wearing out my welcome, here –

Why? Well, simply saying….
Much easier for my heart and mind, to accept the…
Price to be paid – sooner or later…
If I light a cigarette and pollute my own lungs –
If I wave goodbye to the ‘support/connections’ that tell me,
“it’s okay, you’re fine” when….
Nope – only those far away, with a glimmer into my world…
And those who don’t really need me for important stuff,
Think I’m actually doing my part – for what they want –

And see how that works?
I can justify anything to myself – for good or ill –
But I must, say out loud, that I’m going on sabbatical from here!

Why? Well – if I say it out loud, to my followers?
Ahhh – well then!
I now have in place an external
“Accountability Committee”

So, well – I’m walking away from social land for a bit –
Feel free to call me on it if I ‘sneak in” to like/comment –
I don’t need to lose weight/I need to get in shape –
I don’t have any grand delusions of quitting my nic habit this year –
But this?
Ahh – this seems doable!
To save myself from myself!

For ya know?
You all are the best, ever, accountability friend for New Years Resolutions….

Catch ya on the flipside – IF I died…
If the strain of ‘quitting cold turkey”
Or ‘sneaking in quiet/hiding from the world who notices,
From the effort of ‘quitting, for a bit”
To right my local ship – – 😀

Cuz, once again?
I’ve tried to be better, to grow, learn, etc…
and yet –
Um, yeah – social connections are an addiction….
Even while I realize the need to…
Light a cig, pace, figure it out –
Folks telling ya once a year or here there and yonder,
Ain’t gonna save ya – figure it out and ya can’t do that…

Unless, you return to that which you KNOW!
Hard working, chain smoking, cussing or blasphemous soul….
(as the external case put forth to me, might be! :D)

And so – I have edited this damn, un-holy post, over 4 times –
I FEAR how it will land!
I replied to 14 txt messages yesterday that wished me Happy New Year…
And their needs for coming year –

And, here and there?
Forgot it was Sunday and when a text/share seemed to speak to struggles in need of a phone call/schedule a meet up?
Alas, I called when those folks were In Church for Sunday services – –
Alas, no matter how many folks I know,
On how many fronts?
I still respond to the ‘just in time’ stuff,
All while forgetting about….
“Well – this is MY just in time schedule!”

And so – well – nothing to be done but fight to save myself – overall –
I know it aint pretty, or acceptable, or really – usefull – at all –

Just saying so, outloud, to hold myself, accountable,
To myself – with back up to remind me, hopefully – –
Waiting in the wings – – 😀


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