The Farmer/Storyteller I know…

Meh – my brother hears my heart when I say, outloud, “I don’t know jack about farming, but how – the moist, brown furrows of earth in springtime make my heart swell in love – “

I wanted/still wish to be a writer – a storyteller – without even trying? My brother seems to be better at that too – – and yet, sometimes, he listens to my half-arsed stories, too –

but on one all consuming front – we both agree upon –

“Moral of the story? My Dad’s pretty tough!”

Blast from the past, here…

The story written, by my brother –

SnakeThe Tale of Dick, Harold and the Snake

by Dubin Truff  (the wrong name that got bestowed on my brother a few years ago, at some industry conference – we all find it funny -thus, that’s his ‘name’ now….)

For all who don’t know who the main characters of this story are, let me give you a little background.

I have always been amused when people get a person’s name wrong, so, a few years ago, when a customer of Dad’s called him “Harold”, I couldn’t help but laugh and immediately started referring to him as “Harold” myself. A short time later Dad, myself and my brother-in-law were riding in Dad’s pickup on the way to the store for some last minute Thanksgiving dinner items.

My sister and her husband were dealing with construction contractors as their new house was being finished, and he made the comment that he wondered if the plumbers weren’t cutting some corners.

I piped up with a grin, “Oh, we always cut corners, don’t we, Harold?”

Dad glanced at me sideways, without expression and said, “Speak for yourself, Dick.” This was the birth of Dick and Harold’s Plumbing Co. (disbanded four months later). The names never really stuck, but they made me laugh and I never forgot them.

The snake story goes like this: Dad and I were at a new home in the latter stages of completion, setting fixtures. When we arrived, the homeowners were not there, and we accessed the house through the garage, which was littered with an assortment of cardboard, plastic, and insulation. After hook-up and testing of the electric hot-water heater, which included multiple trips by both of us from the basement(where the hot-water heater was) to the unlit garage (where the main breaker panel was), we separated and tackled our respective tasks.

For me, this meant sprinting from room to room, first floor to second, as quickly and efficiently as possible, breaking fixtures and making as large of a mess as possible.

For Dad, it meant following steadily and patiently behind, fixing everything I touched.

After about an hour or so, as I was just finishing the drip-free hook-up on an upstairs bathroom lavatory for the seventh time, I heard one of the newly arrived homeowners shout from downstairs, “Devon, get down here and help your Dad!” You could hear slight panic in her voice, and I knew some crisis had unfolded. Or uncoiled.

I ran downstairs and into the garage to find the homeowners watching Dad as he surveyed a rather large rattlesnake writhing on the concrete floor. If it was large enough to evoke the discussion and debate that almost always happens wherever rattlesnakes are encountered (“Oh, that was too big; must have been a timber rattler!”), I can’t remember.

It was big enough to get my attention.

Harold and I quickly formulated our plan. It involved ten feet of ½” copper pipe, 22 feet of bailing wire and raw, god-given courage. I quickly found out that God must not have given me any, for when we had fashioned our snake lasso (double wire through the pipe to form a loop on one end and the other end to pull the slack tight once the snake’s head was in the loop) and I attempted to catch the snake, I wouldn’t get any closer than my end of the “ten foot pole”.

A ten foot stick of copper pipe is pretty squirrely when there’s a coward on one end and a pissed off snake on the other.

Try as I might, I couldn’t get the loop of wire on the other end around that snake’s head. After about a minute of this, Dad couldn’t watch any longer. “Oh for Christ’s sake”, he said as he walked past me, grabbed the business end of our snake-catcher, and steered the wire loop over the head of that rattlesnake. “Pull!” he shouted, and I needed no encouragement. I’m surprised I didn’t decapitate the reptile then and there I pulled with such gusto! The angry rattler was then dispatched with a shovel, the head was buried, and the rest was history. Without getting too long winded I will give you the moral of the story:

My Dad’s pretty tough.

The Day I learned to Lie –

I learned to lie the day I overheard a mother, talking to my mother –

What’s the story?

One mother, in that time/space, known to me, had a daughter, who was mother to 4 children/grandchildren – –

A daughter whose travels meant, she ran headlong into a battlefield of ‘shit shinola’ with an 18-wheeler –

A daughter in ICU – a daughter whose skull would spend the next few years being ‘bald’ and quietly, put forth the infected nodules of glass embedded so damn deep within, it seemed time would never allow the healing of such hits to actually work their way to the surface, be healed….

Did I know ‘that’ back when I was a mere tot?

Nope – in my memory – only – was the day I learned that sometimes, it’s okay to lie – even if my own parents said it NEVER was – not to get out of trouble, or by omission – etc…

I LEARNED that sometimes, it’s okay to lie to those we love – because of that mother – and her story as follows:

“The doctor pulled me aside before I could go in to be with my daughter – he said, “Do not give her a mirror – do not promise her anything that makes it easy for her to give up – she is touch and go and I can’t promise you anything – but you, if you love her? YOU WILL NOT give her a reason to give up…”

And that neighbor woman, of my child hood, listened to that, then walked into the ICU room of her daughter –

Held the hand of her daughter and with tears in her eyes and so many years later, confessed her ‘sin of lying’ on that day – for…when her daughter, in ICU, mother of 4 young children said,

“Mama, you’ll take care of my children, right? Promise me…you’ll take care of them….”

And my parent’s neighbor, talked about this, so many years later -to us – did she ever tell her daughter? I do not know – if her daughter stillalive, I figure 50 years of history will have softened the blow – your mama lied to you –

Because she summoned the courage to say, “No! I and your father aren’t in position to do so, and I’m sorry, but I cant promise you that, so you have to hold on, because I can’t do what you would do if you were here”

And then I heard, so many years later, the outpouring of anguish from a mother’s heart, saying , “I LIED to MY OWN DAUGHTER! I LOVED her, my grandkids, I would have done all she asked and more! But I couldn’t bear to tell her at the time and give her an easy way out – I needed her to be here, to much – so I lied…”

Yup – I heard that story when I was …what??? 6 years? 9 years old? But, to me?

That was the day, I learned, sometimes? It’s okay to lie to another – and, for good or ill?

To this day – when some folks tell me about how they ‘lied’ and when I discuss the times I ‘lied’?

I guess – really – I personally – am okay with ‘some forms of being a liar’ –

Which is why, for some folks?

I’ll go to Hell – but, for me?

I’m going to Hell for the Good Company of those who Love Another enough to Sacrifice themselves – thus, to me?

Um, yup, most likely, I”ll go to Hell, but I sure as shootin’ ain’t going there for ‘the weather’ – 😀

The Day I learned to Cry…

In my own, matriarchal, lineage,of strong women stories – there is the story of ‘soft hearted’ folks who ‘cried too easily” and they prayed to the Judeo-Christian God to be ‘strong enough’ to never cry, ever, ever, again, for any reason….

And, too, in that same lineage? Is the story of:

“I was out weeding the carrot plantings, and my heart hurt so much – I wanted to cry, but knew I couldn’t, anymore – cuz i had asked God to save me from being weak and crying – and my heart hurt so bad, I wished to cry – so I TRIED!

and I weeded the carrots – I TRIED to cry – to release the burden of my heart – and I found I could not – no matter how hard I tried to cry – and then I prayed to God, “Please, let me learn how to cry….”

Happy Women’s Day/Month – this is my share of the stories of the women of my lineage, who were a part of making me –

The Hermit and other Labels…

About two weeks or years ago (you know how hazy I am about ‘time’ passing) someone known to me from the time I was 9 months old on this earth, said to me,

“You need to write your book – you need to write! Why do you fear just writing?? Why can’t you just be You??”

She also, about an hour into our convo, said her piece to me, and then double-dawged dared me via:

“go ahead – give me the “Ya….but…..” answer”

I do so love her for hearing my heart and laughing with me over my own hypocrisy!

Self-Analyzation 101

Being of the personality type/nature/nurturing front? that is continually ‘intrigued’ by the human condition? I analyze meself often –

All against the backdrop of what I believe, I KNOW!

i.e. – this is what I know about me:

  • I’m like a ‘dog with a bone’ in pursuit of trying to understand fully, a bit better or even a SMIDGE better, something/someone than I did before [whatever] came onto my landscape to question was, heretofore, unquestioned ‘world view/self-view’ in my world
  • I’m rather naive or kindhearted regarding the overall nature of humans, just until, something horrific happens to them that can knock them off the path of their own higher angel of themselves – then? OMG! Call out the aide on all fronts, to save ‘this one who is in danger of losing themselves’
  • I’m a firm believer in redemption of a human spirit/life/soul, and yet, I do not believe redemption is a ‘once and done’ thingee – to me, every single bloomin’ day greets every human with the options of what they will ‘choose’ to be/do/try today – loving another more than ourselves, pain, suffering, torture, etc., etc., can drive the best of us into being the worst of us – it’s only by matter of pressure applied/matter of degrees we are willing to ‘degrade ourselves’ in-
  • I’m STILL not happy with a former mentor who chastised me long ago for ‘believing in’ the concept of ‘slippery slopes’ and who posited the theory such things do not exist – I bring this up once in awhile with him, AGAIN and over and over, and he says, in response, “I was just making the theoretical argument, why do you keep bringing this up?”
    • My answer? (See Dog with a Bone, disclaimer, above)
  • I believe in a Universal Force/Power greater than I – don’t care who calls it what – I believe there are more things in Heaven/on Earth than I will ever know, fully grasp or understand – that said – that nameless ‘entity’ I try to ‘grasp/listen to’ in my heart, my body, my mind? NEVER hears from me MORE than when I’m at the heights of joy or the depths of despair -if things are trucking out just about like I figured they would? Meh – how is that profound and why talk about it??
  • If I’m ‘arguing’ with someone else? You can place your sweet-bippy bet on the fact I’ve been arguing with myself, on the same durn thing – for awhile –

I’d Like to be a Hermit

The Pros of such a thing suits me – but, hard as I’ve tried to be, it just isn’t true or doable by me.

Even if I don’t post here – write here – don’t send note cards or email ‘letters’ or make phone calls to ‘just catch up with you, if you have time” – yeah – I can say, to myself, “I’d like to be a hermit” but it isn’t true –

I need deep moments of alone time – I get ‘discombobulated’ when more requests/needs come in to me, in one day – all with a 2.5 second world view deadline – than I have the brains, strength or patience to deal with – and on those days??

I YEARN for the hermitage of yore when hermits lived in a simple lil stone shed sized home, little garden plot fenced off behind and had lots of time to just sit around thinking, praying, reading and writing in a journal, etc., but it’s not TRUE or even doable, by me, just now – not really….

IF I try to do modern version of Hermitude?

I’m not only a hypocrite but a DAMN hypocrite….really.

Sigh – the fact that I’m not a TRUE hermit, much as I yearn after various portions of the ‘purported’ lifestyle may be, has, really, always been crystal clear to me…even if I have to remind myself, through refresher courses, here and there –

I’m a human bean –

In my ‘core world view’ always, thus far, forever, the only reason my ‘species/lineage’ has survived to ‘go forth and populate the earth’ is because – well – for the most part?

We ARE NOT hermits –

We are like any other ‘herd/pack’ pretty much – in my world? we most resemble horses and wolves/dogs – but, that’s just an amateuerish world view – to me? in human world?

The Hermit/Lone Wolf human type is judged as Outcast…

Just as much as it is in the natural world – and walking/loping along, until one finds the ‘herd/pack’ to which one belongs?

Is a harsh, brutal, lonely existence – –

Sometimes? It is necessary to do such a ‘by oneself’ walkabout/loping through the desert – in order to refine oneself through the fire of harsh times and in order to be more appreciative of the benefits to be had, if one is part of a ‘herd/pack’ –

A Golden Chain is only as Strong as it’s Weakest Link….

I recently learned folks I ADMIRE so much for their knowledge, their higher education, who ‘know more than I’ feel as if I’m judging them when I sigh and say, “I got good grades – was valedictorian of my class by a smidge -most likely would have been a life long student via fees paid, IF I could have seen anyway to NOT go into debt at the time – “

I was sharing, I thought, my heartache – my failure to ‘try just a bit harder’ or admitting my failure that my high school counselor said, I was ‘stupid’ if I didn’t just take out the loan and go to college – –

But that’s not how the other side heard it – –

They felt need to say, “I didn’t have that good of a GPA, now I feel bad…”

and I, personally, thought and said outloud,

“WHY? I WAS TRYING to laud you, your perseverance, your skills, your brilliance in all the things I fail at?? And I can look back and now see, if I had cared enough about doing ‘that one thing’ I would’ve worked until I died to get that higher, expertise, in one field, education – I was just sharing my world/past….WHAT Did I say that made you feel bad???”

(sob – I was sharing my failures as generalist, in attempts to tell you how much I admire your life, your struggles, your brilliance – how on earth did this become a ‘judgement’ that you heard????) – Oh, yeah – I’m sharing this one convo, because I’ve had SO MANY of these convos with VERY SMART, VERY GOOD at WHAT THEY do Women – since I was 15 years old – to this day – if they have a college degree? Um, yeah – pretty much – they get mad at me for sharing my ‘history’ on the matter as if I’m judging them over what I personally see as ‘wonderful’ and what I personally, count upon ‘them for’ i.e. “Hey! You know alot on this field, tell me, what am I missing???”

And yet, on other fronts??

Much as I vow to be a hermit – I can’t help myself – I reach out to ‘strangers’ or ‘community’ over and over – when I can’t deal with my own internal debates anymore – when I get tired of my internal debating committee acting like a dog chasing it’s tale or a snake consuming it’s tail – when I can’t answer or find the answer that makes sense to me or increases my knowledge of the world around me – all by myself….within…

Often? – The words of others who don’t ‘do this for a living’ is what helps me

The kindness and expert info in ‘this is what worked here, for us, but will be different for your neck of the woods” type of articles, news, blogs written?

Are what help me to calm me the f**k down – remind me, “I’m not alone in wondering about ‘this/that’ –

And so – maybe it’s their job – maybe they spend their ‘free time’ writing….

In the end, it helped me? Right? So how does me not writing, when I wish to, even if I suck at it, am right or wrong, educated/ignorant, asking questions or stating, “I truly believe this” – how is that a failure or waste of time?

There will always be those who will always believe I write/say/speak such things to make myself look good, and there will be those who think I’m stupid as hell and pickin’ a fight – and there will always be others who say,

“well…yes…but why do you feel the need to say it outloud?? Stop it! You’re embarrassing yourself/Us”

On the other hand – once in awhile?

There may be one person, who reads this, or something else I wrote and says,

“YEAH! me too! WTH is up with this???”

(they may cuss or be incredibly gracious and no cussing in the way they say so – to me? All the same, really – – some of us have potty mouths to make a point, some of us don’t – :D)

Thus, no matter how much I wish to not write/publish until I fully figure it out – come upon some ‘answer’ I think might work for most everyone, in every day life? no matter how much it hurts when folks label, judge, or, IMHO, mis-label me in broad strokes?

I might as well write – ‘waste time’ writing, as I wind through it all – for me and others…

share the houghts/research/experiential data – here/there, public or not – and work on what will probably, in the end, if ever before I die, the only WIP manuscript that has survived so many computers dying, hard drives failing, lost to ‘work’ cloud drives once I no longer ‘worked there’ but wrote something for the place I wrote for, at the time, until, I couldn’t deal with working and taking a paycheck from those who I could no longer support, anymore –

Ya know – that one thingee I may never publish for sale – but is always in back of my mind? The one thing that consumes every front/box of my life?

Inheritances, Grief – I can lose every word written/saved before, but I can recreate it, double check the ‘journey’ via my blog here, remind myself of the highs/lows/what was going on at the time’ when I wrote – back then – but the core of me?

Sadly, doesn’t change –

I am, to this day, with various tweaks here and there, a Child of my Inheritances and an Adult born out of Grief

I fully, really, realized today – being quiet kills me and if stifled? My need to be a human bean will manifest in hypocritical ways – –

I was reminded this past week, that there are folks who violently disagree with me, and I feel bad for ‘stressing them out, by asking once more, but, um, still don’t get it” who…once I go back through archives/organizational history?

Are so frickn’ gracious to me when I say, “Never mind! I figured it out! THIS is what changed/is different – sorry I made your life a living hell asking you over and over, what had changed.” – who said, they admired my integrity to seek the truth, even if it wasn’t what I wanted –

Um, every game has different rules – and well – yeah! I’ll ask over and over, “so, what changed?” when it seems the rules are different – as expressed by the same players –

I have a huge fear of mobs, fanatics and ‘the latest bandwagon’ –

Greater fear even, than my fear of rattlesnakes and viper pits- 😀

On the other hand – I have the UTMOST respect for someone who disagrees with me to point of hurting my feelings, but is gracious enough to say, “thanks for researching/sharing what you know, you have more knowledge of the institutional history of this than I and thanks for letting me know”

So what is the end of all of this story?

Well – the three main externals in this story?

All women –

some younger than I, some older than I. Two of them born on same durn day – though different years, but still, in some circles? Um, “Of course! They are the same zodiac sign” – 😀

– all of them so ever more bloomin’ smart on various things than I.

But always, always, the core truth of themselves, that I admire?

They show up to be both vulnerable and fight like hell, all at the same time.

Happy Women’s History Month –

which we will no longer need when women are seen as 1/2 of the human tribe (or 3/4 when the hotheaded young males go to war to ‘protect us all’, and then kill each other off over small slights….. whatever…..was deemed important enough to go to physical violence/war over – – sigh)

That said, I do think we need a ‘men’s history month/international day’ for all the times they may have gotten the lions share in history reporting, but are feeling not valued, now, today – cuz ya know…..

I have a lot of male friends/mentors in my ‘world’ too – they, too, are ‘human beans that are part of my ‘beloved/will fight for’ pack/herd – doncha ya know….

I have been ‘betrayed’ by men and women – I have been ‘championed’ by men and women – I am condemned/judged and/or supported/lauded by so many of so many different politics, religions, groups of ‘we hold this to be important’ – sigh – – –

If I don’t say so out loud? How on earth can anyone else feel safe to say, “Yeah, I’m fighting for this, but don’t you DARE broad stroke label ‘my friend’ on this front – they work day in, day out, to make the world better – and they defy, any national media label, you think you can brush over them!

So…says…I…. But, perhaps, I’m wrong, out of step – who knows?

But I had to say it, outloud – none the less – come what may – maybe, one other person, somewhere, will say, “Oh, thank goodness! I’m not alone on this….”

And that, in the end, is enough for me – and spending time on this stuff – 😀

Saying Adieu to Crutches – 2023…

I have my crutches and addictions…
Much like I believe most humans do…
Some acceptable,
Some not…
Some okay in this ‘circle/arena’
But NOT over at another one….

The one I struggle the most with – is nicotine –
An addiction my physiology was,
I like to think, born into this world with…
I mean, really??
If science tells the truth?
Of our inherited physical needs,
In nutrition?
In cellular memory of hard times our forefathers & mothers survived?
Long enough to procreate?
And create, through pleasure or pain,
Another living thing,
That survived their childhood?
With external support or not?

My body came into being from tobacco producers and consumers –
Early vaping options to get some pharma grade, pure, nicotine,
Sans tar, the additives, chemicals to keep cig papers flame retartdent?
Sans the “ughh! This sucks!” side effects of PG?
The try to add more tomatoes, peppers and eggplants, into my diet?
Potatoes, too, though that bumps up against nutriitonal advice,
Regarding obesity, health, triglycerides….
When my body remembers the winter seasons of long ago….
And says, “Pack on the fat NOW! to survive until next spring!”

Sigh – my mind, my anxiety, my heart? my soul?
Has NEVER gotten to ‘zero nicotine needs’
No matter how many ways I approached it….
No matter, when I could afford – regular holistic support from experts…
No matter how modern medicine & pharma said,
“Here, take this anti-depression’ drug, it is approved for quitting smoking….
No matter the gum, the patches, the various ways,
Folks tried to fix me and my addiction to nicotine?
Via herbal formulas, tinctures, strict menus to follow –
Acupuncture, Chiro, Reflexology, meditation, tai chi, yoga, pilates –
Learn the moves – learn the reasons why –
Strengthen my will power – quit cold turkey – taper it off, day by day –
None of them, worked long term…not for me….

Let me get overwhelmed by needs of hard hits to those around me…
Let me get asked for more than my mind, my soul, my heart can work through,
In 2.5 seconds, a day, a week?
Let me keep my cool during hateful meetings,
Let me listen to the needs and info that just got shared with me,
In planning to go forth, meetings ?

I take a break, ask for a break –
I can do tapping, reflexology, fix a cup of tea, take a walk…
Clean something…
And yet, overall?
Nothing get’s me back to the place to ‘do what needs be done”
in way that over and over, seems to work – for me –
Than pacing around the ground outside, sometimes barefoot…
Or pacing in my living room….
While plying my body with nicotine in tobacco form –
I use the patches, though I have to be careful on time of day –

Otherwise, I have nightmares in middle of night –
And if I am not fun, or smart, or useful sans nicotine?
I’m a holy terror and not even ‘doable’ on lack of sleep –
I know this, about me…..

But, I also know – I’ve never lied, cheated or stole,
I’ve paid utility bills, medical bills, food and diaper bills,
And done without, even while really grumpy over it,
And said, “Nope, this more important, just now”
Than me buying cigarettes – so it’s okay, really, right?

NOPE! I answer to myself – – and don’t I KNOW it!
Even while I stumbled on with heavy feet, carrying,
A pregnant body, that through ‘taper off” and work needs….
Was grateful for the main grill cook whose hands shook,
Because he spent his ‘whiskey budget” to ‘gift”
To the single mom, with 3 young ones,
In need of formula, or diapers, or heat,
That day, oh-so-long ago!
Where pregnant, not at my best, soon to be single mom!
Worked a double with him –
The Him that all around me said, was mean,
Was volatile, and bullying –
To not torque him off by calling out or putting up,
Yet another ‘substitution/special request”
Onto the wheel…

And me? Saw the shaking hands….the glowering brow…
I never learned, to fear, in my youth,
As so many waitresses I worked with,
Had – –
But I shook in fear, on swollen feet,
With aching back,
To say, “Um…sorry, but can you add this on? take this off?
They requested while I flew by to fill coffee & tea fronts…”

And out he flew – through the kitchen door –
The big butcher knife he used for so many ever things!
In his shaking hand….
“Where is that table?”
He growled…then looked at me, and smiled….
“Don’t bother….”
And off he made his way – to the table of 8 in the very back,
Of overflow dining room seating –
Normally, closed off, cuz not needed….”

I froze – wondering what I could do –
If that moment said, I must save others, even if…
It meant sacrificing myself and my child to be –
I hesitated, and waited too long –
And, Glory BE!

No screams, no cries, no cussing, from that back room,
And HE quickly re-appeared, on the waitress walk,
As he made his way back to his grill….
and said to me, with a cynical smile,
“Try not to be so scared! I know what they want – it’s been handled….
Now, get back to work!”

And I got such a huge tip from that table –
I to this day, known not what he said or threatened –
But none of them looked frightened or oppressed,
And they said to me, “Thanks so much for what we wanted”

But still – on addiction fronts – for him or myself??
A voice within says to me –
“It’s not okay! It’s just another form of a crutch!”
And while I may JUDGE in my heart –
The non-smokers….socially better than I….
Whose front lawns are watered mid-day….
in 106 degree heat …
And I hold the space for them to be so wasteful of water….
While they judge me for my smoking addiction….

While I reply, in my mind and heart, to those who
Shop till they drop, for things they don’t need,
Or who drive 40 miles, to get one thing, for last minute request….
Who say, “You should quit smoking, it’s not good for the planet…”
And I think, “You should plan shopping/travel times better – you’re lack of planning is killing us ALL on MANY Fronts!!!”

Alas – why did I start writing this?
Cuz I am gonna try to walk away from another addiction,
That plagues me and many, just now –
The social media sphere –
Including here –
Even while, my long time bloggy pals?
I shall miss….
My desire to read/assess and see,
“Good fit for me? Give thanks? Feedback?”
“Sigh, another person, that for whatever reason…
believes that I’m a good fit to follow and read and like and comment”
To get those damn stats shoved up in daily reports….
Maybe sell more wares or books – and yet….
I remember the days of long ago –
Where I came here, to connect and discuss,
To learn/grow, expand my horizons in knowledge and wisdom- internally…
Share what I had learned, along the way –
Show appreciation where my load lightened –
But, for me, who knows how to speed read,
But still don’t like it, some 30+ years later???

Who can easily read a post, speak to, perhaps, one sliver …
Of how someone far from me?
Buy just a small % of books published each year,
(Self-published & indie author books hit 250,000 some years ago…
or at least, as my memory recalls…)
That I can shove into budget/have lifetime to read….
In a different life/land/experience than I?
Perhaps, here and there, we have something in common….
and perhaps…we can start a dialogue there –

Ahh – – but doncha know?
This too, has become a crutch –
It’s the place I flee too when I’m not certain within,
Whether I’m growing/changing quick enough to do what is…
Required, needed, asked of me….

When I struggle, with overwhelm and write way too many words….
(just like this!)
And go off on various tangents, to try to describe….
(just like this!)
And realize, once more,
Ever more –
Pretty much?
On all fronts….
In person, in cyber-land?
I’m often left with the “Devil’s Advocate” voice within….
“I do not exist, unless I’m producing, consuming or needed”

And I continue to feel this way,
Though, overall?
I mentally realize this is probably NOT, just now,
The internal voice I should be listening to….

But the internal voice that drowns it all out?
The internal voice instilled, trained, born within of?
That, right or wrong?
Yells the loudest?

“Do the job that earns your keep, don’t care if it’s hard, or overwhelming…”
“Care for those you signed up to care for, don’t care if give an inch/take a mile fronts”
“Quit wasting your time here, to connect, for feel goodies – Unless you commit to writing or editing and actually publishing one your WIPs…”

Because, for good or ill, the landscape in cyber land,
Human expectations and goals for what it can do for the average joe/jane….
And what connecting here, really means, in modern world…
That I may, may not, fully understand???
Be able to live with?

Alas, been thinking on it since last May –
I know my ‘crutches & addictions” –
I sit with them….
I listen to the external feedback….
Over and over and over –
From so many! Here, there and yonder – and…
I confess….

I started to really struggle on many fronts – around May 2021 – –
I talked about it –
I shared it –
I tried to fix myself,
Get my mind, my body, my heart right –

But now?
It has piled up for so long, in so many ways?
On so many fronts?
um, yeah – I’m going back to what I know –
Shut up, don’t talk about it….
Don’t tell others what me, myself, needed to hear…
Shut out the world, even if I may later regret my timing of such things –
No MORE insta-replies to texts –
No MORE shoving in ‘new trajectory” last minute requests –
No MORE being available 24/7 to many, every bloomin’ day –

And, well –

Sadly? This is still the truth of me, deep down….
no matter how much I share on ‘learning to be nice, and live in my heart”
No matter how I believe that kindness, compassion, etc., can heal the world…

Whether of my own making or not speaking up harshly long ago?
Well – this is where I’m at now –
I must sink into what I know works –
For me – to survive – and not destroy in frustration,
Something I’ll regret later – –

And so, just to “quit cold turkey” for a time?
I bid my social support circle, here, adieu –
Well – because I CANNOT give as good as I’m getting!
Because I love being here, and am ‘babied’ along here –
And, my experience tells me –
No matter how much I love, enjoy, run to, sink into, give gratitude for?
None of that time changes my daily reality to live with, really….

Thus, sadly, I must report – –
This is off the cuff, as if a poem or prose, but not really –
post…and I shall post, log out and will exercise self-control…
Over logging in for ‘the crutch’ that I tried to justify,
Explain how it was better for me –
Cuz, really?
Nope – not until I face life as it is, here and make notes,
on how I shall move forth, to build a life I can once more live with,
Without wearing out my welcome, here –

Why? Well, simply saying….
Much easier for my heart and mind, to accept the…
Price to be paid – sooner or later…
If I light a cigarette and pollute my own lungs –
If I wave goodbye to the ‘support/connections’ that tell me,
“it’s okay, you’re fine” when….
Nope – only those far away, with a glimmer into my world…
And those who don’t really need me for important stuff,
Think I’m actually doing my part – for what they want –

And see how that works?
I can justify anything to myself – for good or ill –
But I must, say out loud, that I’m going on sabbatical from here!

Why? Well – if I say it out loud, to my followers?
Ahhh – well then!
I now have in place an external
“Accountability Committee”

So, well – I’m walking away from social land for a bit –
Feel free to call me on it if I ‘sneak in” to like/comment –
I don’t need to lose weight/I need to get in shape –
I don’t have any grand delusions of quitting my nic habit this year –
But this?
Ahh – this seems doable!
To save myself from myself!

For ya know?
You all are the best, ever, accountability friend for New Years Resolutions….

Catch ya on the flipside – IF I died…
If the strain of ‘quitting cold turkey”
Or ‘sneaking in quiet/hiding from the world who notices,
From the effort of ‘quitting, for a bit”
To right my local ship – – 😀

Cuz, once again?
I’ve tried to be better, to grow, learn, etc…
and yet –
Um, yeah – social connections are an addiction….
Even while I realize the need to…
Light a cig, pace, figure it out –
Folks telling ya once a year or here there and yonder,
Ain’t gonna save ya – figure it out and ya can’t do that…

Unless, you return to that which you KNOW!
Hard working, chain smoking, cussing or blasphemous soul….
(as the external case put forth to me, might be! :D)

And so – I have edited this damn, un-holy post, over 4 times –
I FEAR how it will land!
I replied to 14 txt messages yesterday that wished me Happy New Year…
And their needs for coming year –

And, here and there?
Forgot it was Sunday and when a text/share seemed to speak to struggles in need of a phone call/schedule a meet up?
Alas, I called when those folks were In Church for Sunday services – –
Alas, no matter how many folks I know,
On how many fronts?
I still respond to the ‘just in time’ stuff,
All while forgetting about….
“Well – this is MY just in time schedule!”

And so – well – nothing to be done but fight to save myself – overall –
I know it aint pretty, or acceptable, or really – usefull – at all –

Just saying so, outloud, to hold myself, accountable,
To myself – with back up to remind me, hopefully – –
Waiting in the wings – – 😀

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