Stuck

During certain times in my life, I have found myself stuck…

In exhaustion, recovery from illness, numbness, grief, anger, resentment, ingratitude on some fronts…

The worst portion, for me, is the moment I recognize I’m ‘stuck’ and the road that stretches before me that contains all kinds of recipes, adages, perspectives, or simple faith that in the end, don’t deliver what was ‘promised’ and the …dare I use the word? Despair that shows up, here and there, when I’ve done all I know, have researched, have tried to do for myself and find myself, still….

Stuck….

It’s Not Like I’m Working without Map or Net….

In various ways, I’ve lived long enough now, I have a slew of past memories of my own, stories & shares of others who walked the path I walk now, to refer back to –

And yet, just like online/printed maps don’t always show you that wonderful little burger place along side the road, or the little trail that veers off to visit a long ago shrine put up, so does each challenge and journey hold it’s surprises, detours and exploration….

And so, not feeling very creative or inspired, etc., I did decide to update my blog roll – –

I’m not sinking into quicksand or the depths of the bog/swamp I find myself in – I’m rather sitting, in the gloom of unknown pathways, rather peaceful and laid back – waiting for the light to shine on the correct path to try –

Meanwhile, I entertain myself – through work, home & household experiments/improvements, new recipes, learning new things, etc.

For in the end, when the way forward seems so dark and unknown and not really inspiring to me…..

The one thing I’ve learned to do, is wake up and do what is absolutely needed to be done, today, and keep myself entertained or exploring new thoughts/dreams/ways of doing things, until the way forth, appears – –

Alas, I’ve yet to tame my ‘Ms. Fix It’ and “Ms. Impatience” portions of me, and sometimes, even while wallowing in/sitting beside ‘Stuck’ to hear what he might have to tell me, I find myself wanting to resist and/or ‘hurry the process up’ –

Sadly, I KNOW better, but guess, some paths just circle around and around until one once more finds themselves at a fork in the road….

With one way dark, dim and the other shining forth beckoning one, “Pick Me!!! A Journey Awaits!”

Until then….I’ll just sit here, stuck, entertaining myself – – 😀

This coming week is American Thankgsiving. So many things in the world today, defy one’s own fortitude to fully find a ‘perspective’ one can be grateful for on many topics of concern –

But I’m Grateful for and Give Thanks for so many things – and, my ‘community here’ is one of the Top 5.

So Happy Thanksgiving, or (as seen, but cleaned up a bit, in a group I’m a part of) the European/English version of it:

“Happy We-Let-Those-Crazy-Loons-Form-Their-Own-Country and We Shall Wait and See Day”

Signed – Countries with longer history than ours….

Broken Hallelujah

Here about 7 weeks ago, I sat in my care provider’s treatment room….slowly and dully answering the questions put to me as best I could.

I had dragged myself in before that day, after long months – years? – of battlefields taken, held, retreated from – into the medics tent, seeking the help I finally admitted I needed, given I no longer had the strength or will to try and ‘doctor’ myself….but that day, was the day I hit rock bottom in such a way as for me to be fully aware of it.

I have been here, before, many times and though each time, I felt ‘lessons’ were learned, I have faced, yet again, the knowledge that such lessons are likely to escape me learning fully, let alone faithfully applying better in the future, for this lifetime.

Apparently, going full steam ahead until no steam is left in my adrenals is my chosen path, this go around. 🙂

Thus, over and over, I make my choice and pay the debt due when it is delivered in no uncertain terms, through enforced stillness.

There is, I’ve come to believe, a special Grace gifted once I have chosen to walk the path of doing and being far past what my soul, my mind and or my physical reserves are up to, and find myself in a dead end.

Having had periods of challenges that sorely tested my will, many times over my life, I learned long in my early 20’s to ‘surrender gracefully’ the things of youth – but I’ve yet to learn to stop before being forced to, though I believe I have reached the age when many in my circle would cry, “She certainly is old enough to know better!” 🙂

Even while I quietly chuckle with myself for not stopping soon enough, or recognizing the yellow lights that had long stretched in front of me as I insisted on putting the pedal to the metal – I again must sit in the quiet knowledge of the portion of me that is at once, my greatest gift and my most fatal flaw.

No matter how embattled or embittered I’ve ever become at any time – no matter what anguish lingers in my mind, heart or body, I gratefully sink into the relief that beckons in the quiet Grace to be had beneath the protecting blanket of ‘no energy left to do anything else’ and my mind and heart lifts forth in song – – a Broken Hallelujah that eclipses any thoughts of what doom and gloom may occur while I snuggle under the cover.

There comes a time, in all quests, that one sighs in relief, understanding they have done all they can do, for the moment, and for myself, the special grace to be gifted is one of the calming and total knowledge of the facts:

No where left to run to, nothing left to do, but what is right in front of one.

For now, I have only to rise and do what must be done for that day, and when tired – rest, when hungry – nourish, when thirsty – drink, for the body is a stubborn ally and champion for survival when the mind finds only obstacles and ambush or the heart has found it’s only solace in a blessed state of numbness, encased so well in the erected fortress of stone not much can reach it any longer.

Sounds Dark, right?

To me, it is not –

Rather, this is a haven I have visited well and many times before. It is the garden of peace where I am shrouded from all, while I rest and heal – where the wings of a Warrior Angel stand guard and shield – until I am once more fit to venture forth into the fray – restored and ready to carry that which has been given to me to carry for this life.

For myself, long ago, when driven to madness by pain I thought I could not endure, I realized, and was thankful for the knowledge, that I, for whatever reasons, have never been, even when give much opportunity, one to go ‘gently into that good night’ – nope. Even when my heart, mind and will cried out to ‘be done’ I would be blessed with sleep and open my eyes to discover I had not been delivered from the path I was born upon.

Lest you fear me depressed, I assure you, I am not –

I am merely worn out and sitting with the dark shadows of comfort, in the knowledge of my own frailties as a mortal and imperfect being, until such time as I can restore my energy, gird my loins and venture forth once more.

And so, in this year of so many challenges, on so many fronts, for ever so many –

I realized, perhaps, I should share with you a rendition of a song that that lifts my heart and spirit, so they may be better props for my body, in it’s depletion.

Like a healing balm, the words flow into my ears to soothe my mind and my heart at this, my period of ‘recovered enough energy to be restless at my slow progress, but not yet refueled enough to go forth in strength and stamina’

May you, too, whatever your trials and tribulations, be blessed by the Grace of the Broken Hallelujah…..

It’s Complex….

Or, in social media labeling world, ‘it’s complicated” –

😀

I have been growing more quiet online and find myself growing quieter in person – – withdrawing and, if truth be told, suffering from frustration, a lack of hope, energy or inspiration given my own actions, interactions, etc., these past few weeks, as I wear out from the cadre of changing fronts, the cries for justice, the multiple ideas put forth by many, of ‘what needs to happen’ that, no matter what front they come from, I cannot fully grasp as being not only helpful for me, but overall, helpful for many – –

The ideals, ideas, hard lines drawn in the sand on many, many fronts and issues, overall, always, to me, fail to meet the mitmus test of my brain & heart on whether I shall support, get on the bandwagon, etc., on all fronts –

Simply because – they all seem to be focused on one slice of the issue – granted – each individual, community, group, should pursue educating or informing others, etc., and play in the fields of what they do best – –

On the other hand – I look to myself – what do I have to offer? Do I dilute myself to serve on many connected fronts and be ineffective on all? Do I drill down to focus and be massively effective in a small front, knowing, that should I do so, I will have effectively cut myself out of opportunities to learn more, and see where collaboration could be mutually beneficial?

Why yes, I’m in Dark Night of the Soul phase – – –

They are hitting faster and harder these past few years – I can only console myself with the thought, “I’m on the right path, of learning, and each lesson learned means the deliverance of ideas and lessons and calls for improvement just arrive faster and harder – -“

Because, afterall, baptism by fire or getting thrown into the deep end of the lake to learn to swim is a rather ‘connecting theme’ in my life thus far, and anytime I try to walk another path, no matter how long, it goes uglier, more heartbreaking than if I just showed up and took the fast balls thrown by life as I used to do when I was too young and stupid to realize, I might, with work and discipline, change my basic make-up – –

I no longer believe that – for me, I may leverage off my skills and inborn talents/way of being – –

I may learn how to harness my flaws to better serve me and those around me, but, overall, I cannot, nor should I, change the inherent me –

So that’s my update after long silence on either visiting, commenting or writing – –

But after months of exploration – weeks of trying to ‘turn away’, ‘run away’, melt away, etc., into me own little cave – and the ugly moments that occurred when I tried to interact best as I knew how those who followed me into my cave – when I cried out for assistance, or to be left alone, etc., I awoke this morning with rather, a deeper commitment to, “okey-dokey, this is what it looks like, just now – live with it – find a way to live with it without sacrificing your soul – find a way to survive without closing all doors – “

And I was reminded of a long ago video clip that was put out in 2010 – that I’ve re-watched twice and still can’t find a reason to discount any of the high level ideas/ideals presented that so impacted my life a decade ago when I first viewed it.

I see echoes of the same cries for change among so many current groups and mediums –

I also see the same core solutions that are not serving us well, over all, within the questions posed within it –

11 minutes – – a decade ago – an hour ago –

And so, I’m sharing it again – to say,

Um..yup – I and the world I live in has changed mightily, and yet, for me, nothing has changed when I contemplate the ideas and thoughts shared within this – –

What does that mean for me? For you? Guess we shall each wait and see….

RSA Animate: “21st Century Enlightment” Excerpt from Mathew Taylor

May this find you and yours faring well and if not, may you receive the help and blessings needed to carry forth…

Hit the Publish…button…now!

You Say it Best – When You Say Nothing at All –

Sharing my fave version of that song, by Alison Kraus –

Some 15,000+ written words later that sits in trashed, or saved draft, or ‘needs editing’ mode –

After some weeks, months…. years of frustration? Overall?

Let this suffice to ‘update my blogroll’ and yes, you’re right – when I go quiet it means, overall,

I’m in Exponential Existentialism Crisis Mode –

I’ve survived such things before, no reason to think I won’t this time around –

So here ya go – short quick, easy post for me,

perhaps, I got my internal arguing with meself, done, while writing that which may, never, be published,

but at the end of the day, some string music accompanied by a voice, I personally believe, is gifted by the Angels, is what was needed –

Which is why, it’s inherently easier to share the work of others than put in the effort to say it, play it, create it, yourself (you, me, anyone…..)

This is just where I’m at – – too many other things for dailing living just take way more energy than to leave much to spare over, anymore, to wax personally creative, eloquent or persuasive, overall –

I’ve now hit Rock Bottom – I’m one of the Hoarding, Madding Crowd of Easy Social Media personages –

Sigh –

It occurs to me that, sadly, no one it seems, anymore, is allowed to quietly die from a broken heart or in silent rebellion against the system within which they find themselves – even when they wish to ….be done….

So, perhaps, once again (like many times before) I shall find a reason to once more keep showing up – but the older and tireder I get, the less I desire wading into any new adventures, even online –

…even for reading & researching, for me own edification time that benefits no one but my internal needs, overall….

and I never thought I would live to see such a day, where the very activities that I used to love, and rather enjoyed doing, now?

Rather leave me, anymore, just feeling rather hopeless and useless…..

On some fronts, I’m not totally useless, just yet –

I still work, drink and smoke tobacco, therefore, I’m doing my part to consume and pay taxes in order to keep us all afloat for just a tad longer – – 🙂

Today? That’s about the best gratitude thingee I can really come up with on my place in this world or what I do to earn my ‘keep’ –

Some days, I can be funny –

Somedays, I encourage someone else to laugh, to dance, to sing –

Here and there I say what many were thinking but none risked saying so out loud, but were glad I said so…..

Etc., etc.

I have my gifts, here and there, but overall?

I’m not seeing where or how the application of most of them benefits me, one whit, overall – in the end – or makes navigating the current realities any easier or better, nor have I seen it for a long damn time –

I have no doubts whatsoever that others depend upon me, value me, on various fronts, etc., but I ask you – really – how long does one show up to serve the empire of all that is rotting us all from within?

Not long – in my estimation –

Just a futile effort to believe one’s life really has meaning and welll….

just look at the Romans – and quite frankly, I’m becoming too tired to make the massive effort needed, anymore, to go rogue and kick everyone’s ass – 🙂

But, perhaps next week, there will be more ups than downs – more meaning and less bullshit tempest in a teapot options to choose from- who knows?

Which is why I keep opening my eyes each morning, discover I’m still breathing and say to the Universal All –

“Okay – I woke up…am breathing again….Thanks for saying it all when you say nothing at all…..”

For Beetleypete and anyone else who…

Love the Classic Editor in WordPress? Look no further than ‘Add Post” option from your admin dashboard – yes…I’m late to the party and just discovered – who knows how long it’s been there?

Have you struggled with the Gutenberg block editor – yearn for the Classic editor ?

Guess what I JUST noticed?????

IF one navigates to Dashboard of their site, in the manner I do – well, lookey there! You can choose which editor you want, without upgrading and adding plugins at all – –

Screenshot of the option – I got to the Posts page, via the following standard M.O. of mine –

Log into WordPress>My Sites>WP Admin>All Posts> and there, right there in the “Add New” option at the top of the page is the drop down option:

And yes, Mr. Beetleypete – I could have spent time figuring out how to add an image into your comments OR remembering how to privately email you sans a contact me page, I could have done that – but, que sera, sera, I’m now in a hurry to share the info with you (and others that might benefit or are just as late as I am at realizing this option currently exists!) and well – –

Here, it is Labor Day – and I took a break from “Laboring” in order to write some, read some, etc., and just had to share, before I forgot to – – 🙂

So whatever your daily Labors may be, I do so wish all my bloggy pals and those who visit here, a safe and happy Labor Day and hope your daily labors leave you pleasantly tired, but satisfied, at the end of each day, or at least, more days than not – 🙂