Sunday Reflections

This past week was …um…interesting, to say the least.

For myself, there continues a feeling of overwhelm, at ‘incoming!’ things to be done, and yet – I have walked through the lil valley of ‘now what?’ to regain some perspective in order to prioritize, do, bit by bit and quit when I am tired, to rest, heal and try again tomorrow –

For now, on many fronts, that’s all there is to do – really – what’s in front of me that I can – 😀

At some point, a call came in, from one who felt perhaps my ears was the ‘safe place to ask’ –

I want to [do this], my heart aches for my friend- and yet, I don’t want to intrude – I don’t know what to offer – I want to reach out – but am not sure I should….

Incoming phone call

Why do I get these phone calls, you ask?

Well, because it takes and wastes, ever so much energy & resources to create an external or artificial life different from the life you really live or wish to live.

I do so hate wasting resources – mine or external to me –

Yep, ‘hate’ is the word I chose – it’s the one that fits – really, to describe all my feelings over wasting resources and energy – on the plus side, that’s a pretty broad generalization, so at the very least, I’m not picking on this one or that NOR am I leaving anyone/thing out of my criticism – including me! 😀

That’s just the best way I know how to speak of my authentic self to others – bottom line – – best as I can – without getting into minor details that can be misconstrued by the fearful, the hurt, the bullied or those who believe, ‘I am one of ‘them’ – just because I spoke the word…. ‘hate’.

Because living a double life is waste of resources/energy to my mind…

I try to help others as I can, or share similar struggles in my life and things that helped me, that might also, be of use to them, right about now… no sense lying about the world of Me – warts and all, well….

Many folks know about the downs of me – the fears and bumps in the night I still startle at – the flaws of me …

They know a portion of the times I walked through the underworld of internal fears, anger, depression – what I did (whether the best option or not) to make my way out of hell or the dismal swamp or dark forest or moonless/starless night I was lost in, to some ‘other side’ of

‘whew! Okay – safe – now – find my bearings – I’m hungry, need a shower and where is the nearest bathroom??

No mater how we change, how much we remain the same 😀

That’s why I get those calls.

They think I have the answer or advice – maybe I do, maybe I don’t – sometimes, folks just are in want of ‘permission’ to do what they already decided they are gonna do but are scared, or know, deep within, not the best thing to do – really , if they wish to keep being the person they tell themselves they are –

And I give the only answers I really know…

(after asking more questions usually, which drives most impatient souls to the brink of anger – but I often feel the need to understand more about what they are TRULY asking -and well – they called me and they KNOW I rarely say anything in 2.5 seconds or 1,000 words or less – so who, really is to blame?? – :D)

  • sometimes I say yes
  • sometimes I say, “um, not sure that’s gonna turn out the way you think it will, because…..”and
  • sometimes I say, “I’m sorry, but I cannot be a part of this. Your free will, but I tell ya, I’m not gonna help you with that plan/path and if you insist or try to force me, I will actively work against you – so walk away, now, or let us explore other options together that may work for you, that I can live with – …please….please… reconsider…you’re better than this! I know you are! No? Okey-dokey then – have fun with that….I’ll be over here doing my thing – hope you find what you’re searching for, or really need – but move on – nothing to see here…and…you come after me/mine? Well – um, ya already gave me your game plan – so be careful – :D”

But for this call?

Eazy-Peezy Lemon Squeezy –

I know the answer by heart – it has stood the test of time – it plays out over and over again, in the human condition….and many places we love, fear, worry, etc.

I tried to share a few short examples from my life, when on the wonderful receiving end of such love in action, regarding what I said to her:

Focus on your love of your friend – follow your heart – then you don’t have to worry about mess ups or anything – just show up with love in your heart, focusing on all you love about her, the most beautiful, strong and resilient things of her – her kindness, her strength, her generosity and compassion – and then be willing to hold that vision of her, even if she’s not at her best, just now.

Whether she responds or not is not your job. It’s only your job to show up in love, to let her know you are there for her, over and over, until you no longer can or until the time when she wakes up and does want/need you.

That’s it – and if you can’t do that? then don’t – but if you are called to? gird your loins, learn more if ya need to, focus, pray, meditate, whatever it takes, to show up that way – then go do it – best ya can, for as long as you can.

This is pretty easy to do, when we love someone – have seen their true gifts – have been blessed by their highest self, if you will, gifts –

It’s rather like learning then doing the Rural Version of CPR, Really…

I sat in the class my mother was taking – right after I went through the First Aid class I was allowed to take/test/get certification for, given my age (10-12 – I don’t remember, but I must, if I’m to care for the young and vulnerable of others, for pay…and mom and some of her Community Ladies Home Extension Club had decided they needed to take those classes too – being on the home front lines far away from rescue squads, etc…then this, just now, is what it looks like – evening classes with one who has already worked a full, long day to earn his living…)

I can still see the owner of the local Pharmacy/Drugstore (with real soda fountain!), that also served the veterinarian needs of wisdom & medicine for animals, in the local community – teaching those classes at night after long day of work – and what he said in the introduction to learning CPR….

Out here? You drive along and come upon one needing help? Something happens at home? They are knocked out, not breathing, no pulse? YOUR FIRST JOB is to Summon Help! Cuz if you start CPR, and you have a this card? You are honor bound to keep going until either they revive or you fall from exhaustion or someone else shows up to relieve you of your duty-

So before you start, call in the calvary – THEN, you can start – and if you start?

You keep going until you are relieved of duty or physically, no longer can – and this is not easy, folks – especially on one known to you – it will tax you, break you, your muscles and your heart – perhaps break bones in their body if you keep their blood circulating enough, with oxygen in it – to try to minimize the damage they must recover from or live with, should they survive – it’s not easy – it’s not pretty – and often? What you see on TV rarely happens in real life – you MUST know this – going into it…

[Silent, he looks around the room, makes eye contact with everyone in it, including me, in the back – in the ‘observation only’ gallery of kids allowed to be there, cuz no babysitters and keep quiet and behave yourself – some folks go white in the face, some folks squirm in their seats – some sit with arms crossed and steely stares, wondering when he’s gonna get down to the ‘how-to-do’ portion of the program..]

“Okay then – none of you got up and walked out – let us begin, During this course, you will learn how to…..”

H.T.’s version of introduction to CPR course in early 1980s rural Americana – 😀

The call this past week is not a new story in my life

People die – livestock dies -crops die – and yes, children die.

My children have died. One after nearly 18 years and 2 before ever they were born.

Everything dies, sooner or later – it just is. Whether I like it or not – whether I had a hand in killing it or not – whether I did my best to appreciate it while it was here or not….whether it dies to keep me living or not –

And always there are those who have suffered the loss and then there are too, the folks around them who want to support their friend – and the caller that day wasn’t any different from the one who whispered to me at work, long ago:

“My friend just lost – I want to be there for her, but how? What should I do? I hope you don’t mind me asking you. I thought you could tell me best what I should do, just now.”

Here’s the long version of all the in-outs of the matter: Supporting Grieving Parents.

Meanwhile, back at My Personal Ranch…..

  • Housework, maintenance and get ready for winter in landscape, vehicle and home all in need of doing
  • Paid Work list still sometimes makes me blanche over how on earth I’m gonna get this @#$% to work, so it is done, shipped, invoice sent and move on to the next work to do
  • Volunteer time on this, that and the other needs be done – on some fronts for transparency, integrity, good record keeping, and sometime, simply because I know what to troubleshoot on basic tech things first, to see if resolved, I am nearby and no one else local enough to ‘hire an expert’, unless it is beyond my abilities.
  • Research to finalize decisions on voting options so I’m ready to fill out my ballot and submit when that looming day comes – in a divided nation…
  • Wars and fights, and governments and economies and plagues and natural disasters all play out on scales often far from me, but impact my daily life or the life of those I love, anyhoo

So What do I do?

I look to the past – the past of many places, people and things – including my own past…

I remember movie clips, books, quotes, phrases, songs, for my needs or maybe helpful to others, just now.

All of which rather, to me, remind me of all the core needs, tendencies and realities that not only I face, but every human must face, at one time or another, if they show up and live fully –

“I don’t want to get to the end of my life and find that I just lived the length of it. I want to live the width of it as well.”

Dianne Ackerman, Poet and Naturalist

And so, sometimes, as I think of myself or listen to the tales of others, regarding, loss, faded love and better days –

I really wish I could sing well and play the tambourine, instead of trying to bring solutions to others via tech or protecting/serving others in areas they don’t want to mess with, just because I am willing to say, “okay – this, here, now even though, I’m not your best option”, or learning to be a Master Gardner/Herbalist, and I remember, for me, for ever so many, for a variety of reasons, we all just sometimes need to gather round, for the Loser’s Evening Prayer or the Late Night Benediction..

Me, Thee, We, rather all come back into focus, through music and lyrics…

The Y’all Come Back Saloon by the Oak Ridge Boys

A River Runs Through It

And then I think of the timelessness of the Universe I live in – of how often, what we have to give and are willing to give,that sometimes (often?) are not needed, or wanted.

Of how those we love best, often elude us. About loving completely, without complete understanding….

How things ebb and flow, all things merge into one – and a river runs through it.

And often, I am haunted by the waters of me.

I remember, too, there are rocks of me formed long ago and the river of me runs through canyons far and wide of many other living things, whether I’m aware of it or not – where I nourish, where I wear away, where I rush, hurry or become turbulent and destructive –

The Solitude of Self

But always, when overwhelm, external forces in pain, need or wants, show up faster than I feel able to keep my head above water and stick to my values – To be willing, able and ready to step up and do what needs be done, in an instant, that I can live with – needed? – just now?

I remember too, in the end, two things….

[paraphrased] “We journey towards this world, alone and we leave this world alone, why do folks think we need company every blessed moment in between??

Nissa, in “Years” by Lavyrle Spencer – paraphrased cuz I loaned my copy out and it didn’t get returned and I haven’t replaced it yet! 😀

Followed by a phrase from Elizabeth Cady Stanton’s speech –

Whatever the theories may be of woman’s dependence on man, in the supreme moments of her life he can not bear her burdens. Alone she goes to the gates of death to give life to every man that is born into the world. No one can share her fears, no one can mitigate her pangs; and if her sorrow is greater than she can bear, alone she passes beyond the gates into the vast unknown.

From the mountain tops of Judea, long ago, a heavenly voice bade His disciples “Bear ye one another’s burden,”[xx] but humanity has not yet risen to that point of self-sacrifice and if ever so willing, how few the burdens are that one soul can bear for another. In the highways of Palestine; in prayer and fasting on the solitary mountain top; in the Garden of Gethsemane; before the judgment seat of Pilate; betrayed by one of His trusted disciples at His last supper; in His agonies on the cross, even Jesus of Nazareth, in those last sad days on earth, felt the awful solitude of self. Deserted by man, in agony he cries, “My God! My God! why hast Thou forsaken me?”[xxi] And so it ever must be in the conflicting scenes of life, in the long, weary march, each one walks alone. We may have many friends, love, kindness, sympathy, and charity to smoothe our pathway in everyday life, but in the tragedies and triumphs of human experience each mortal stands alone.[xxii]

Excerpt from Elizabeth Cady Stanton, The Solitude of Self Speech, before the House Judiciary Committee February 18, 1892

There Are Always, Burdens we Each Must Bear, by ourselves…

No matter our gender, station in life – no matter what comes.

Burdens on our body, heart and mind – that no one else can carry for us – our life mission, as it were – no matter what or how the world we live in chooses to label us –

No matter whether we are doing our best or our worst – or simply trying to find our way to better through trial and error, the burdens that are ours to carry –

Those burdens will remain until they are resolved, someone shows up to relieve us of our duty, we collapse under their weight, we realize, a burden we need no longer carry within or it was a burden that was, in the end, not ours to carry, afterall – not really –

And so, Often, I return to the Basement of Me, the past and the ever changing moments of Life

– no matter what the day, week, season brings to my eyes, ears, senses, heart?

I run to the only core things I think I know – as in eazy-peezy-lemon-squeezy – no matter what – to survive – to set boundaries – to be compassionate and take care of myself, without destroying others – or leaving a wake of destruction five-miles wide, behind me…

Yes, really, It is Always about Me, on the other hand, Never, Really is anything, JUST About Me – there is a ‘collective We’ as well – and my actions/responses add to or detract from the collective, shared experience.

I’m merely a grain of sand on the beach, and yet, without my grain, the beach is never exactly the same – so what kind of beach would I like to walk on, someday??

Me, giving myself a pep talk and ‘remember these things…’ speech that I often tell others, to remind myself of –

And nothing left to do, but sit with myself and decide…

Who do I wish to be? Why? What do I wish to create/build, leave behind me? How do I go about doing that?

And finally –

Am I …..

  • Educated enough to fully understand or meet [this] issue/challenge?
  • Fearless or passionate enough to think outside the box of education/traditions to consider other solutions?
  • Compassionate enough to see the fears/reasons posed by those on ‘the other side’ of a challenge we all face?
  • Strong enough to stand in the face of bullies, those who demand by force or what others think is the only way forward, even if I stand alone?
  • Vulnerable enough to hold the space for collaboration, brainstorming, teamwork and others to feel safe enough to show up with their gifts and flaws too, because they know my flaws?
  • Courageous enough to move forth into unknowns? For myself or those who depend upon me to ‘lead the way’ on this or that I often feel ill-equipped to do but even after I told them why they could do better, they still want me??
  • Patient enough to wait and see, observe more, be silent while I learn more?

At the end of the day ?

All that is left is me – choices to be made, consequences to live with and being able to look at myself in the eyes of my soul, come tomorrow…

Two last thoughts –

Take, Take What You Want and then Pay FOR IT!

Another paraphrase from a Victoria Holt novel I used to own – with a poem within in called, “Pippa’s Song” – that is drawn up from memory. and, well, this is a tale of caution I tell to myself, and the hard boundary line I hold for both me and those external to me, who take, take – believing it their right –

Which is immediately followed by the hard rock of me –

A King May Move a Man…but….

Your Soul is in your keeping, alone

from King Baldwin the IV in movie, “Kingdom of Heaven

And the Rock Hard parts of me are softened by the fluidity of water me….

And the power of water – over time or in a flash – when all things become distilled into one ….in the moment or hindsight – well…

All things become….

Simple

even when they are not or do not feel easy….

“In the end there is nothing to be done but to state clearly what has been done, without shame or regret and say: Here I am, and this is what I am. Now deal with me as you see fit. That is your right. Mine is to stand by the act, [my acts] and pay the price.

You do what you must do, and pay for it. So in the end all things are simple.”

Ellis Peters, Brother Cadfael’s Penance

And the Universal River Runs through it…

May your week be full of blessings, gifts, challenges that grow you without breaking you and may you not succumb to your sorrows, until all accounts have been reconciled within/without and you calmly lay down your sword, no longer needed, to move to the next stage of new beginnings.

Monday Movie & Music

Mmmmm……

Love this dialogue from the movie:

“It’s Not meant to be easy. Instead of moaning about it, give yourself permission to be inadequate, then get to work. Listen, ya can’t be can’t be good at something unless you’re willing to be pfft [raspberry] first.”

“Professor Reed?”

“Yes, Sophie?”

“It will take at least two semesters just to begin solving that”

“Oh good God, at least that!”

“And even with that, we’ll all fail the class because this is just bonkers”

“Listen guys, that is the beauty of physics. That is the beauty of life.

Physics is a slog. We are meant to work on problems our children will solve. You might find the odd solution here and there….by the way, I just got your t-shirt, it’s very clever…. But you will die before your life’s work is done.

Your cold dark husk will be rotting in the ground while generations after you will finish the work you started.

To quote the Romans, “Enjoy yourselves, it’s later than you think.”

Professor Reed, college class scene, The Adam Project

The Adam Project

Ryan Reynolds, Mark Ruffalo, Jennifer Garner and Zoe Saldana?

Drama, the ties that bind, action scenes, and non-ending themes of how/when/where we lose or way OR turn to the dark side OR chase a dream, only to learn others wish only to create nightmares?

Um YES Please!

And let us not forget an excellent soundtrack, too – here’s my two faves from it:

Let My Love Open the Door – Pete Townsend

Long Time – Boston

Hope your coming week goes well – stay safe – so many of y’all in areas facing daunting challenges from war/unrest/Mother Nature right now.

Catch ya on the flip side.

Power vs. Force Part 2

I really rather regret talking about Power v. Force – over the years –

What the word Power entails/means to many, continually changes –

Force?

Well, most folks, despite their examples details, rather get what Force means to them – and none of it, from long term struggles to war fronts, is pretty, really –

Let’s Examine Training, Cliches and Lore, shall we??

“When someone calls upon you, do you hear them or tune them out?”

The Long Version

My Dad’s version of it – told to me early and often….over and over and referred back to over and over –

“Most folks are willing to go along with ya on a lot of things, compromise, help out when you’re in need or just meet ya where you’re at -or even do things, for your benefit, that benefits them, too

– JUST UNTIL someone tells them they have to, or threatens them with dire circumstances if they don’t – then?

Well – most folks will stubbornly do just exactly what is against their best interest the minute you demand or threaten over and over with force what they want to happen –

If the only time me/your mom called out for you to ‘come into the house/stop reading in your room, was for you to be told to do a chore, or tell you how you messed up, how often will you hear us call?

But, if one time, we say, “Tamrah!! Tamrah!!! Come here!” and when you do, we ask you to help with a chore, but next time we say, “Get ready! We’re going for ice cream!” – it makes a difference, doesn’t it….?

The Shorter Cowboy/Country Living Version

You can lead a horse to water, but ya can’t make them drink

I heard this so often in my childhood, it was well known to me, as ‘common sense wisdom’. Accepted by me, without question, no matter how old I got – – cuz no one with an ounce of observational skills really believes they can, puny human, through pure muscle, force an animal that outweighs them by several hundred pounds, and, if really mad, scared, cornered or ramped up for a fight of survival, does NOT have the raw physical power to NOT crush them flat in a heartbeat if one-on-one – battle of stubborn wills –
On the other hand – humans like to take a lot of credit for ‘docile, welcoming animals’ but I tell you this – if domesticated animal crushes the weak/ignorant in frenzy? They learned that FIRST from the human masters who forced them – I can’t help myself – it’s true – BUT it’s also true that if animals no likely me and say so? to me? I don’t care why – I treat them with respect and figure, If I push me, me, me agenda? And ignore their warnings? Um, yeah – most likely won’t turn out well for me-

The FUNNY Entertainer Version of It

“Ya CAN lead a horse to water, but ‘afore ya do, just remember what a wet horse smells like” –

Festus (Actor, Singer, Songwriter, comedian known by stage name of Ken Curtis, but to local folks/family was born/named Curtis Wain Gates. I grew up with his music, his connections in Colorado/Western music lore and then – as the comedic relief in Gunsmoke – He was a part of Gunsmoke that I loved the best – when I was allowed to stay up late enough to watch it – but over all, I loved most his records that combined comedy, humour and music all in one – which why I’m younger generation that ALSO knows who the hell the Smother’s Brothers are – 😀

What do ALL these things have in common?

Animals, humans, force, making or thinking we can make another living thing do what we want – at any point of the day – is, to me, on any front, rather ridiculous – really – it depends only on our fortitude, strength of perseverence, will etc…

So Why am I bothering to spend my free time Writing about this?

Why do I publish here, in hopes some may read, comment, connect over it, when it’s overall, in what I’ve already said or future points I’m making, with no hopes of ever changing your mind, seeing eye-to-eye on every bloomin’ thing or ever finding undying, never fails, loyalty or fleeting kudos/fealty from the ‘audience’ that may stumble across here?

Because, to me, all that I hold dear is overview encapsulated in the above –

Living things, wild/domesticated – in human form or other forms well – we all just want to survive – on various fronts – we instinctively pick up on external cues on ‘leaders’ regarding whether they will help us – our kind – survive or not –

We Primal Living Things – GET IT!

I like to believe at a very deep, instinctual level – we all ‘get it’ on friend/foe, threat/security, good for my survival/not good for me/anyone else’s survival -intuitive fronts – I just do….

And the more stuff gets forced – I really don’t care if you are brute force human, animal trainer, for public sport/economics OR a pushy human that always demands undying loyalty no matter what you may do and threatens destruction and ruin IF those you are talking to and seeking support from – don’t do what you want them to – on any front –

At the end of the day – wild, domesticated, trying to evolve, living thing??

There is a primal ‘knowing’ in all living things –

Within the places where sometimes we calm our wildness and fight responses, NOT because we are winning/can win, but simply because we understand on a primal level, “Not needed here”

And on other fronts?

Especially human ones?

“Well, I can take what I have and FORCE this other living thing into doing what I WANT, right now, too, while I’m riding high in power” –

The ugly side of selfishness and has nothing to do with survival – not really – to me…

Um, yeah – for me? For better or worse –

In All it’s Good, Bad, Ugly or Ludicrous forms?

“Fine – but before ya do – just remember what this wet horse/dog/cat smells like”

Me?

I’m a self proclaimed wet dog/horse/cat/blanket, whatever –

insist I drink from your watering hole – whether the water is poisoned, full of predators, etc., but you like everything to smell good while you do your stinky stuff…?

Um, yeah – for me?

That’s what it looks like in small and big rebellions – on civil disobedience or flt out standing my ground fronts – over and over – I don’t go specifically looking for fights, I don’t think, but you bring it to me?

Well, now?

Congrats! Ya got one!

– and I’m talking small potatoes here – on my fronts – I’m NOT dealing with massive war crimes, torture etc., going on here – for me – just death by a 1,000 papercuts if I let just let bullies have/do/say whatever they want

Especially if they count upon me to listen to them/no judge them, but spend their entire time telling me how I’m personally failing them –

Me? I have more faith in me and animals inner spirits than I do in talking, discussing, connecting, bridging gaps with humans on many fronts, just about now – in my country – cuz none of them like it when I say,

“Fine, I’m gonna roll around in this watering hole, get wet and stink up your preferences more than you wished – all while dying of dehydration” –

But I also happen to Know some Lone Wolfs, Lions and Horses in my human circle, too – and they? they nip, nudge, growl, stamp when I get lost in my own world – but still? Often?

Safest humans I am ever around – because they don’t show up JUST when I”m at my best, they also show up when I’m at my worst – AND they don’t just show up to me when they are at their best OR when they are at the worst OR when they just need help they think I”m the only person out of 7 Billion in the world that can do what they need/want, right now, in the next 2.5 seconds –

I’m very grateful for the patient, the haven’t heard from ya in awhile, those who say, “um, been thinking about this – ya got time to brainstorm?” and those who say, “It’s okay – I ain’t waiting for someone to rescue me from everything – but I could use some help…”

Again – small potatoes – but as I watch global news play out – regional/national news – I wonder – when folks ask for things and demand it it forthwith – are they even aware of how much worse they and my life COULD be? Just about now?

And I tend to love when neither of us are interested in forcing the other one to ‘do what we want’ just now , or agree on every point, our personal ‘important to me ‘ agendas

Cuz I can fight – and so too, are they capable of fighting

– in our souls – all while praying we are fighting to defend all that is inherently resilient with all living things and not just fightng for our own little wants/needs/desires?

We each hope we can ALSO do so even when put to the TRUE tests others all around us, in our living ecosystems, have had to endure, withstand, fight for survival, over and over and over with no long term relief or respite, really, ever.

Yeah – those willing to fight but also hope they are up to the challenges faced when real, never ending fights show up?

Those are my fave kind of folks – really…

I am All of These…

I am the girl child informed I shall never bear children,

I am the inheritor of after effects of medicine given to my mother, to not miscarry,

That ensures I will bear much pain and complications if ever I mature enough to prove, I carry Satan’s mark of Eve’s first sin…

I am the woman who carries and must live with ‘satan’s’ mark???

I am the lab rat of birth control & hormonal therapy, during each age of my existence as a ‘could bear a child/past child-bearing age’ existence….

I am the the 4-year old who wished only to go home, and not be around this ‘pillar of the community’ anymore –

I am the 9 year old who matured early and was shamed/blamed/groped by classmates, because I became a woman, early –

I am 10 year old felt up and barred from leaving a room, when an older male in the family, thought he was could take anything from me, he wished to

I am the late bloomer who was ridiculed for being flat chested/not ‘being a woman’ yet by my peers – female & male –

I am the girl put on birth control, for medical help, but threatened with my life, should I entertain thoughts of kissing a boy – just now….

I’m the young woman told that I must preserve my chastity and fight to the death, any male bigger and stronger than I, who wishes to break the seal –

I’m the teeny-bopper who learns to apply blue eye-shadow, do my hair and wear mini-skirts, for it is all the current trending fashion, but am left friendless, and on my own, when attacked/raped, because I was ‘asking for it’

I am the daughter, sister, cousin, niece, coworker, of those holy men, who believe any female, is there to serve his need AND also save him from the sin of paying for a prostitute, stripper, or mistress who just asks for cold hard cash, and not his heart/support/protection/fidelity, too!

I’m am the daughter, sister, cousin, niece, coworker, of the holy women who say, “This is the price we pay, for being born female, and males are our lord and king, right after God – your pain to bear, his children to bear and if you ever fail in keeping fidelity? You deserve all that you get.”

I am the teen with black dyed, greasy hair, who is caught for being a runaway from a home where she is nothing more than a sex slave –

I am the mother who cannot get help for food, rent, heat, power, water, medicine, and faces criminal charges, because I bashed the head in of my husband, when I found him on top of my oldest daughter….

I am the college student whose friends left behind to the wolves, when it was obvious, I was drunk, roofied, drugged….

I am the wife whose husband doesn’t want any more children….

I am the wife whose husband strayed and his STDs brought home, means I face ectopic pregnancy/failed miscarriage/life long health ramifications now –

I am the affluent wife, the pampered mistress, the ‘whore’ who walked through the dark parking lot, at the end of my shift, of waitressing, bartending, cooking, while wearing ‘company uniform’ provided –

I am the divorcee that works twice as long, each week, at multiple jobs, to keep food, shelter, medical care and education provided, while my ex goes on vacation, and tells anyone who will listen, how lazy I am, and how/why I don’t ‘deserve’ the child support he was court ordered to pay –

I am the mother on food stamps, who shows up at the food bank/local free clinic, who is considered ‘lazy and drain’ on society because of my income – or how my children and I are dressed – bathed – no one cares we say “Please, thank you, no, please, you go first…” that doesn’t matter – we showed up for help and are the vampire blood-sucking witches and all that is wrong with ‘our country’ if you listen to some folks….

I am the disabled person OR wife of a disabled on the job mate, whose employer fights hard to ensure Workmen’s Comp is NEVER paid – even when, dangerous work conditions were par for the daily work course – My mate and I find comfort and beauty, in our moments together, but feel powerless to help earn the $ to pay the bills already here, let alone, another child, even if we did our best to ‘be careful’-

I am the married woman that crossed picket lines for medical care, when my ‘failed miscarriage’ was refused to be treated by my family doctor, all because my husband blurted out after ‘pee test’ results said, I was pregnant –

“But I don’t want any more children”

I am the one whose life was saved by those who dared to provide a place to do ultrasound, full intake, and the D&C, my mother got from family doctor, but I’m not eligible for, after politics and insurance and religion enter the office of my family doctor/provider – and only is gained, once I stumble through picket lines, am cursed and spat upon, as “a murderer’.

I am the one who was patched back together and saved to go on, once more, to give birth to a living child, after being monagamus to the husband who wasn’t –

I am the woman who didn’t realize how quickly I could have died from that ectopic pregnancy OR that failed by nature miscarriage, until I went through EMD training (Emergency Medical Dispatching) that said,

“If the one help is called for is female, between age of 9-90, ya just gotta ask, and assess – because, no matter who says what – whether young, hold, menopausal, pre-teen, married or not – if they are in the midst of failed pregnancy?

They could die, quickly, and your job, to be sensitive and ask, “Is there any chance in hell, you might be pregnant?” – and, well, no one likes those questions, they are sometimes really hard questions to ask and even harder to answer in front of witnesses who are judgemental, and often? Many a Woman/Girl will lie to you – but, you HAVE to pick up on things – THEIR LIFE depends upon you reading between the lines…

You HAVE to tease it how, so that woman/girl, gets the life saving care, she needs, right now – otherwise?

They will die and it’s blood on your hands –

I Had to Write and Publish

I said I would, alluded to the fact I would, on various fronts – etc., but I just wasn’t sure how to – not really –

It’s NOT pretty, or optimistic or positive –

Not for me, mine, my friends, my work experience, my knowledge of the ugly side of life on many fronts – either as receiver of, victim of, trusted confidant or just, really, frickn’ showing up to do my durn job –

If I ever went into full details…

of all the 911 calls I’ve answered in the night – the investigation and final reports it was my job to transcribe from recorded tapes before ‘voice to text’ and all that kind of software, was available?

All the many hours of victim, suspect and witness video tapes/audio tapes, I have listened to, just to do my ‘job’?

It might damage you as badly as I’m broken – I figure –

But I had to say it outloud – because there are stories of Life I know that all but broke me, broke others, etc., and well,

For better or worse?

I refuse to completely forget them – as if they never happened –

If that means I’m ugly, pessimistic or cynical, so be it –

I am what I am and that includes, the less than shiny, beautiful, perfect portions of the past I have lived through, acted in, witnessed or experienced, first hand or on the fringes, third party ‘hear say’ that don’t mean jack in a court of law, before the Church Deacons or Elders…..

It’s taken me a long, long arse time, to write this, even though I knew, I needed to – –

Despite my delays, now it seems as if ‘old news’ on some fronts – or increasingly, ‘new news’ getting clouded by the increasing level of political, religious and legal fronts, since the first ‘rallying cry’ of long ago, and…well, all the stuff being churned out by many, now?

Continues, on many fronts, to make me Roar in Frustration…

I cannot say for sure, on every front, who has the ‘best arguments’ for Pro-Choice –

I can only repeat, over and over, to Pro-Life folks, “Um….I ain’t asking you to have an abortion – I can only observe, that often?

Your life and/or the life of your ‘already here children’ seem less relevant to you than the beginning of a new life and just who, in fact, is going to sustain/maintain that new life over that long haul….that’s your choice –

I am the one who hires your disabled husband for help, or your teen son who you farm out as if he’s a slave – when I can afford to hire either of them – I’m the one that pays taxes, tithes/donates to the local non-profits & churches and their work that allow you and your existing children to survive – through your faith, your submissiveness, through your ‘Life Hits’ times….

I understand you don’t see where your husband/faith/preferred community, is, to my view? Abusive/treats you as less than a breeding cow, and/or where you believe it’s your duty to give your life, in order to maybe, possibly, bring forth new life –

I understand you are so protected and sheltered in your life, of experience and affluence, that you don’t see, are unwilling to look at, or ever give an inch that someone different from you, suffers under the same violence I see done to you, and the ‘blind eye’ you turn in regards to the law, society, community and family norms…

Um, yeah – I see/hear all of it –

At the end of the day?

For me?

Be very, very careful – overall -how you choose to proceed in crying out to me for support – for, ya know, in my little internal world?

I am Woman/Lioness – Hear me Roar

And, you think you can just march across the grasslands, free of any consequences, ever, for your choices? Free in your own ways all while restricting others in their options?

Ahh…man alive – I’m really, rather, sorta feeling sorry for you, when the lioness pack catches up with you – I may be a part of the verbal/social ‘lioness’ hunting pack OR I may, push comes to shove?

Be the hunter that tracks you down in the dark of night – or leaves you to face alone, the hyenas when they catch up with you…..

It’s not gonna be pretty – for either of us – not really – but, okay –

I’m Begging YOU!

Think, for a moment, you’re queen or king of the jungle?

but you’re not?

Understand…..I’ll risk injury, myself, just by forewarning you –

“Um…The Lioness hunts, feeds and protects the young/other lionesses of the Pride – Do not ever forget Lionesses know how to stalk and hunt – even when you think you’ve injured them, starved them out”

There – not pretty, most likely will be misinterpreted by many who don’t know what memories of my life experience, sometimes play through my mind, that I cannot, am unwilling, to forget –

But, ya know?

Had to be said out loud – as fair warning, shot over the bow –

Some may listen, some may not – some may find too ugly/hateful/negative –

But, for me?

At the end of the day?

I like to believe, in my heart, I’m a Lioness – and well, just took me this much time to try to figure out how best to express it.

It is what it is…. but too important to be left unsaid…to my mind…

Wings & Wind

Inspired by Ragtag Daily Prompt Saturday: Wings

I confess to the ‘rest on someone else’s past laurels’ wish to just share a YouTube official video from artist Dolly Parton, of her song, Eagle When She Flies, as my immediate reaction when I read the prompt –

Ahh, but then I visited the authors who had already done their posts – Dragonflies, Eagles, beautiful poetry – photos –

In the end, I ended up following new to me bloggers AND then realized,

I gotta do more than just share a link to someone else’s work, right?? If I can’t, then best I don’t post at all or if I do, not link to the RDP prompt – which is unacceptable, for their prompt and those who posted already, inspired me wanting to share – sigh….

Me, trying to decide whether post/not post /how to post/give credit where credit due – – – Yes! Welcome to My internal aspirations to be congruent between internal and external worlds!

Wings without Wind??

I cannot ever think of wings, in all their forms – natural and human made – without thinking about wind.

About how, in the end, no matter whether Mother Nature made, or human made, wings created to fly high, ‘with the wind’, must also, be strong enough to survive the storms in the heavens, on earth, and every layer in between.

Winds that sometimes seem really dedicated with purpose and intent upon ripping beautiful winged creations, apart….

Wings are the strongest, most highly designed things and yet, sometimes, as fragile as a passing moment, to my mind!

Doesn’t matter how or who/what engineered, if they must navigate the wind storms that pop up everyday, in many ways –

I Most Often Observe Beautiful Wings as they Fly through the Fray of Storms

Few are the stories in my memory, where beautiful to me wings hide deep underground in a bunker of earth – like tree roots do…except for the burrows of the Burrowing Owl and Dragons in their Lair.

I’m certain, somewhere on earth, there are other many a winged creature that seeks shelter deep within the protection of solid soil & stone…

I’m certain, in my heart, whether they hide or fly, or roost to ‘wait it out’ so many of them have mighty wings that will survive stormy skies, if only someone reminds them of their wings…

This is one of those rare moments when I’m the eternal optimist and not cynical at all, and not lured into giving up….just yet.

Mark it in your diary/calendar – me being the eternal optimist doesn’t happen often – but on this topic?

Always and forever and I don’t know how else to be, nor do I wish to try being something else – 😀

But My Optimism and what I see, doesn’t feel like that, for them, just now…

This is what I try to remember when the inspirational, winged creatures I’ve observed and love & those with wings in their souls?

Who have so inspired me to soar higher, or who nudge me out of the ‘youngling nest’ of comfort, or who took the lead position when we all were ‘migrating’ elsewhere, against a huge head wind?

Say, through words or actions:

I’m tired, I need to hide, I need to drop to the back of the v-formation or save energy by coasting along on your tail end – I seek shelter, and well – can’t see a safe spot to land, just right about now…

If I truly love, if I truly am inspired by their wings, ain’t it rather ‘my job’ to not add additional windstorms to their life? Ain’t it??

I think, it is – God bless the winged creatures who say to me, “Um…not now, okay??? “

Sorry you had to say it out loud to me – for me to get it…. I’ll remember more of your nuanced song and you won’t have to remind me in the future, okay?

Promise….

Second Winds

And, yes, I revisited a long ago post I wrote, regarding my first experience of the second winds, that just show up…

Not because I was worthy, or deserving, or asked for it, or aid and abet such things, much anymore, via external stimulants in form of caffeine, sugar and nicotine – not that I do much of anything, really, at all, other than trusting such winds will show up – like they always seem to do…..

And, this morning? On so many human made fronts? On my radar?

I realize….

I’m Most Comfortable being the Wind, but sometimes, I’m Gifted Wings…

I prefer to be the wind – to blow where I’m needed, and buoy underneath, however I may be able to do so, the wings of others for their high flight which I find beautiful….

And, often, I’m blessed, over and over, by Wings of Heart & Soul, of those who fly high in this front or that, but don’t just count upon me to always be the background wind beneath their wings, rather they encourage me to take high flight, too!

None of them are famous and you wouldn’t know them, most likely – or if they are? Well, I’d just sound like a stalker fan if I gushed, wouldn’t I??

But often?

I get inspired to have my own wings – to fly and dare in this arena or that – instead of being just being the supportive, whispering breeze carrying possible lines and stage directions to those with wings, as if I’m the wind is all I’m destined to be, ever – when being the wind rather get’s me down and resentful and thinking, “Well, boy-howdy, I’d go do this, if I wasn’t so busy supporting you as you fly and glide about….”

Sometimes, I get to participate in both sides of the ‘energy collaborative’ space – And this happens more frequently, the older I get – mainly because, I just no longer ‘show up for duties’ in spaces/places where I must forever and always, be nothing other than the ‘wind’ for someone else and where I’m told my wings aren’t ‘good enough’ to be a big anything other, than a servant to the high needs of others –

Energy Exchange vs. Energy Stealing

I really loved the early works of many artists on so many fronts – just until….they became convinced they were flying all by themselves – how, how often, I witnessed the ‘change’ occur as their works became loved by many –

I’ve listened to many a shy or introverted soul, who feels safe talking to me, criticize ‘artists’ or those comfortable in the limelight, as ‘narcissistic’, or ‘selfish’ as they perform and play a ‘composition’ back and forth with the crowd of adoring fans – and yet, in my heart?

I don’t think it’s true always….

I believe, often, there is an exchange of energy between two sides of the equation – the creator and the audience….

The wind and the wings…..

And when all is balanced, a beautiful dance grows between the two energies – an attempt to fly, a rush of wind to buoy the wings, to carry the one flying high and low, as they glide along the current of the wind that is dancing and singing with them – in tandem –

To me? The swell and dance of an audience and an entertainer can be beautiful to behold –

The hawk on the breeze, the storm of energy and calm once the storm has passed, are all beautiful to me, often….

Just until, It’s Not Beautiful…

When the wings that bore hope and beauty upon them, become sharp and destructive or so broken, they must hide –

When the wind becomes vicious, vengeful and destructive, with desire to wipe out anything that stands in it’s path –

Then?

Winds and Wings become, to me, the deadly duel between the forces of yin/yang, good/evil, whatever way of ‘labeling’ the world, seems to often come up, in human worlds –

You may think me crass for lumping eastern thinking of balance/oneness in with western civilization one or the other must ultimately WIN, dualistic thinking –

I do believe at least on some newbie front, I can grasp the fundamental difference between the two ways of choosing to view the world, though, I am but a novice at all of the history of both –

And might have labeled them incorrectly -or made up ‘my own definitions’ of such – but, to me, trying to lump all things into ‘it’s all good and everything is perfect as is’ OR ‘Not to be borne! and the opposition must be fully destroyed’ – ways that so many in my nation/culture seem to be clinging to –

Well, neither of those base foundations work, not for me –

Sometimes I’m the wind, for better or worse –

If for good?

I’ll most likely not know about it, during my lifetime.

If for worse?

Hopefully I recognize it…If I must be the harsh wind that blows, for greater good, long term, can I find away to not leave others fully broken or backed into a corner from which they must turn mean as vipers, just so they may fight to survive?

Sometimes I’m the Wind, inspiring others in recognizing their beautiful wings I see, and ask, “why aren’t you flying on those?? They are so strong and beautiful!” and if my inspiration to others turns out to have created a monster/was misplaced, wasn’t of mutual benefit to many?

Can I be a winged creature that sits on a tree, or burrows in a hole/cave for awhile, as I re-think just how I want to ‘dare to fly high’ and if me flying is of actual energy enhancing to anyone, anywhere – for mutual, shared benefits….and if not?

How do I fly better next time??

In the end, I guess, for me, there will always be Winds & Wings…

There will be those who huff & puff and do their best to destroy the winged angels, in all their forms, here on earth.

There will always be those who fly into the storm to survive or to lead the way or sacrifice themselves to save others –

Wings & Winds, in every single way they are shown to me, brings tears to my eyes, and a deep sigh within my heart – over the good, the bad and the ludicrous of all that surrounds me.

And yet, for today

– I only need decide, where shall I be the uplifting wind?

Where shall I be the wind that blows away the old ways that don’t work for anyone, not really?

Where shall I trust my wings?

So, always, when I write here, am inspired to write? Let my written words take me through the journey of thinking about it?

Life may not be easy, but it is simple.

If only I travel the path, listen to the stories and music, of Wings & Wind…..

Music for Wings & Wind

This post wouldn’t be complete, to me, without sharing some music clips, to go along with the musings – because, yes, musicians and song lyric writers are also, those who are the wind beneath my wings – 😀

Eagle When She Flies

Her heart is soft as feathers, 
Still she weathers, stormy skies.
And she's a sparrow when she is broken,
But she's an eagle when she flies.

Wild Montana Skies

Give him a fire in his heart,
Give him a light in his eyes,
Give him the Wild Wind for a Brother
In the Wild Montana Skies

They Call the Wind Mariah

Way out here, they've got a name, 
For rain and wind and fire.
The rain is Tess,
The fire is Joe,
And they call the wind Mariah

Mariah blows the stars around,
And sets the clouds to flying
Mariah makes, the mountains sound,
Like folks was up there, dyin'

Blown Away

There's not enough wind, in Oklahoma,
To blow the sins out of this house.
There's not enough wind in Oklahoma,
To rip the nails out of the past

Shatter every window 'til it's all blown away
Every brick, every board, every slamming door blown away
'Til there's nothing left standing, nothing left of yesterday
Every tear-soaked whiskey memory blown away
Blown away

Whiskey Lullaby

Life is short, 
But this time it was bigger,
Than the strength they had to get up off their knees
They were buried neath the willow,
As the Angels sang the Whiskey Lullaby

Concrete Angel

Through the wind and the rain
She stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings
And she flies to a place where she's loved
Concrete angel

Sub Footnotes

Twice, in my life, I fled from the spousal home I lived in, that I prayed to be blown away along with the house, him, everything – and left behind cassette tapes, or cds, purchased from local musicians who aren’t on YouTube, or have their music on file in digital world, anymore – so these, below?

Aren’t exactly the works that first shielded my heart, then made daily life bearable and are now, the melodies left, only to play in the echoes of my brain, for I cannot find them, or re-create them for you –

But the below shares are close – back then, and now? All the artists of my past, or those of now, continue to be the wind beneath my wings…whether I can fully share with you, at all, my inner world of experience, of another’s creations, that I remember, but cannot re-create, in digital world/link to, in digital world…

Spirit of the Hawk

Beautiful and well – it is the musical wind that sets my soul free –

Blue Sky

After the storm – before the storm – during the storm –

Heart Warriors

I can’t verbalize the why, but this song/creator’s work, reminds me of the PowWow I was a ‘paid attendee’ of,

of the Elder who sat near me, educating me on the tale/tradition, and also, the music of that day that plays only in my mind – the music and voices that call out to all inner grounding forces of my being, and inspires me to take flight – on whatever wings I have, right now. Broken or not –

Thank you, for that moment in time, Grandfather who I was allowed blessed to sit nearby- and forgave my ‘inquisitive/offensive? words to ask, hungry for more, to feed the yearning in my heart…..

I don’t know where you are, or how you fare, now – but I remember you, and you were the wind that didn’t break my wings, that carried me on a journey and reminded me, that I, too, can fly, even when I felt broken.

%d bloggers like this: