Latest Musings

The 2020 Beloved Holiday Tradition

Last year around this time, several in my circle were rather ambivalent about doing the Christmas Letter, as they were suffering from the same illness that has infected Social Media followers who see only the far scale of perfectly curated lives vs. calls for donations for those desperately disenfrachised or in need….

The whole receipt of Holiday Greetings that are hard to reply to include the thoughts of,

“Well….things not so good here, seems like all there is to report is folks sick, dying or laid up….but I receive all these cheery letters full of fun people doing fun things – – think I’ll skip it this year….”


“Well, my life not as challenging as they are traversing, right now so just seems rude to say anything that is good or ill, cuz they are in a pickle, just about now and I don’t want to gloat or whine…..

So, for one who felt this way, last year, I wrote a ‘funny’ fictional Christmas Letter and figured, okay – that is done for another year – –

(You can read the 2019 letter here…..)

And decided to do another, for this year, based off last year’s letter, and maybe this year, I’ll actually print it off and mail it –

Here is the 2020 version….and it will make more sense if you read the 2019 version… in my circle asked why I use aliases –

And, well, the short story is….

To Protect the innocent – of which Mabel is not one…and she does the writing…..


We made it through the 2019 holidays, early 2020 surgeries and illnesses and girded our loins for the onslaught of Election Campaigning mail and news year.

And then something called COVID-19 showed up in March....
And between it all - well - we're writing this year off as a 'win' - simply because, 

We are still here to write the letter, and can afford to pay for stamps to mail or internet service to post/send online.

We didn't die in a protest rally, from massive heart attack or stroke due to the stress induced from politics, weren't run down by a pitchfork and torch mobs (one mob was mad we weren't wearing a mask in our backyard, the other was mad because we were wearing a mask in our backyard) nor did we die from the latest 'fear' or any one of a million other things that happen everyday.

None of us went to jail or lost our jobs.   None of us were unable to get food to eat, water to drink or air to breathe and we have maintained the lungs to process that air - - even Mabel with her nasty habit of smoking.....  (which just goes to demonstrate how sinners are often rewarded here on this plane of existence....)

So while many in our clan continue to work long hours every day and are glad they are deemed essential or their clients believe them to be, and others have quietly healed from early 2020 surgeries at home, we realize how very, fantabulously, lucky we are.  

Many have not been this lucky, this year.  So we are counting our blessings, and doing our best to not focus on all the fear, bad things happening to some folks unless we can see a direct way to aide those in need.  

We are surrounded by folks who are making money hand over fist and also those losing their savings to stay afloat during shutdowns.
We still have our share of loved ones struggling with other things and may not live out the year...or 2021, who don't have COVID

It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt is our motto - - and this year, so many have been hurt for a myriad of reasons - many of which stem from a convergence of many things - things that have been wrong for a long time, things that have been ignored for a long time, and well - ain't no vaccine or politician gonna show up and fix any of these things  quickly or neatly, that affect so many and have affected many for a long durn time - from running a business, buying groceries, getting medical care to getting a roof over one's head.

And so, we await the year of 2021.  Maybe things get 'fixed' maybe they don't - maybe it goes well, maybe it doesn't.

That said.....

Mabel is already planning a "end of the world" party at some point this year to celebrate December 12, 2021 - - for, she thinks, perhaps the scholar who translated the Mayan tablets had dyslexia - and perhaps, instead of 12/21/12 it was really supposed to be 12/12/21 - -who knows if she's right, but she'll be researching recipes and sending out invites, anyhoo, just like she did in 2010 (a little early, back then, but she figured, why wait for the end of the world to have a hoedown with friends, food & music?)  

She figures, if rallies and protests can be held, if casinos stay open while small cafes & churches are shut down, she can hold a little get-together for friends and family who want to show up. 

And the music will be cranked loud - - and, to hold outdoors, she's gonna have to get an event permit to hold a block party, if it is allowed....and hope the neighbors don't complain about the loud music....and pay for the extra man power or bribes to neighbors to shut down one street in her tiny town - - food?

Well, she figures she'll send out the invites with Potluck included and BYOB - we provide the watering tank with ice in it to keep things cold - if you have camp chairs, fine - if not - she has wood stumps to sit on - - or concrete blocks.....

That said, Mabel ain't too good at party planning, overall - so be sure to bring your fave food and drink, along with a chair or blankie to sit on.  Given her being a plumbers daughter, she will ensure there is water to drink, wash up with, etc., and toiletry needs....  just as soon as she figures out how to earn the money for Port-A-Potties OR disguises small outhouses as garden art columns placed here and there about the place.... along with.....
Thus, the family has scaled back on doing gifts this year in order to proactively save up for the bail funds to spring Mabel out of jail when she gets herself into hot water - again......

And if we talk her out of it, or she is wrong, well....guess maybe we'll do something else with those funds - in 2022

Hope this finds you and yours faring well.
(Mama Bear, Billy Joe Jim Bob Jr and Billy Joe Jr send their best wishes, but refuse to sign anything Mabel wrote .....


During certain times in my life, I have found myself stuck…

In exhaustion, recovery from illness, numbness, grief, anger, resentment, ingratitude on some fronts…

The worst portion, for me, is the moment I recognize I’m ‘stuck’ and the road that stretches before me that contains all kinds of recipes, adages, perspectives, or simple faith that in the end, don’t deliver what was ‘promised’ and the …dare I use the word? Despair that shows up, here and there, when I’ve done all I know, have researched, have tried to do for myself and find myself, still….


It’s Not Like I’m Working without Map or Net….

In various ways, I’ve lived long enough now, I have a slew of past memories of my own, stories & shares of others who walked the path I walk now, to refer back to –

And yet, just like online/printed maps don’t always show you that wonderful little burger place along side the road, or the little trail that veers off to visit a long ago shrine put up, so does each challenge and journey hold it’s surprises, detours and exploration….

And so, not feeling very creative or inspired, etc., I did decide to update my blog roll – –

I’m not sinking into quicksand or the depths of the bog/swamp I find myself in – I’m rather sitting, in the gloom of unknown pathways, rather peaceful and laid back – waiting for the light to shine on the correct path to try –

Meanwhile, I entertain myself – through work, home & household experiments/improvements, new recipes, learning new things, etc.

For in the end, when the way forward seems so dark and unknown and not really inspiring to me…..

The one thing I’ve learned to do, is wake up and do what is absolutely needed to be done, today, and keep myself entertained or exploring new thoughts/dreams/ways of doing things, until the way forth, appears – –

Alas, I’ve yet to tame my ‘Ms. Fix It’ and “Ms. Impatience” portions of me, and sometimes, even while wallowing in/sitting beside ‘Stuck’ to hear what he might have to tell me, I find myself wanting to resist and/or ‘hurry the process up’ –

Sadly, I KNOW better, but guess, some paths just circle around and around until one once more finds themselves at a fork in the road….

With one way dark, dim and the other shining forth beckoning one, “Pick Me!!! A Journey Awaits!”

Until then….I’ll just sit here, stuck, entertaining myself – – 😀

This coming week is American Thankgsiving. So many things in the world today, defy one’s own fortitude to fully find a ‘perspective’ one can be grateful for on many topics of concern –

But I’m Grateful for and Give Thanks for so many things – and, my ‘community here’ is one of the Top 5.

So Happy Thanksgiving, or (as seen, but cleaned up a bit, in a group I’m a part of) the European/English version of it:

“Happy We-Let-Those-Crazy-Loons-Form-Their-Own-Country and We Shall Wait and See Day”

Signed – Countries with longer history than ours….

Broken Hallelujah

Here about 7 weeks ago, I sat in my care provider’s treatment room….slowly and dully answering the questions put to me as best I could.

I had dragged myself in before that day, after long months – years? – of battlefields taken, held, retreated from – into the medics tent, seeking the help I finally admitted I needed, given I no longer had the strength or will to try and ‘doctor’ myself….but that day, was the day I hit rock bottom in such a way as for me to be fully aware of it.

I have been here, before, many times and though each time, I felt ‘lessons’ were learned, I have faced, yet again, the knowledge that such lessons are likely to escape me learning fully, let alone faithfully applying better in the future, for this lifetime.

Apparently, going full steam ahead until no steam is left in my adrenals is my chosen path, this go around. 🙂

Thus, over and over, I make my choice and pay the debt due when it is delivered in no uncertain terms, through enforced stillness.

There is, I’ve come to believe, a special Grace gifted once I have chosen to walk the path of doing and being far past what my soul, my mind and or my physical reserves are up to, and find myself in a dead end.

Having had periods of challenges that sorely tested my will, many times over my life, I learned long in my early 20’s to ‘surrender gracefully’ the things of youth – but I’ve yet to learn to stop before being forced to, though I believe I have reached the age when many in my circle would cry, “She certainly is old enough to know better!” 🙂

Even while I quietly chuckle with myself for not stopping soon enough, or recognizing the yellow lights that had long stretched in front of me as I insisted on putting the pedal to the metal – I again must sit in the quiet knowledge of the portion of me that is at once, my greatest gift and my most fatal flaw.

No matter how embattled or embittered I’ve ever become at any time – no matter what anguish lingers in my mind, heart or body, I gratefully sink into the relief that beckons in the quiet Grace to be had beneath the protecting blanket of ‘no energy left to do anything else’ and my mind and heart lifts forth in song – – a Broken Hallelujah that eclipses any thoughts of what doom and gloom may occur while I snuggle under the cover.

There comes a time, in all quests, that one sighs in relief, understanding they have done all they can do, for the moment, and for myself, the special grace to be gifted is one of the calming and total knowledge of the facts:

No where left to run to, nothing left to do, but what is right in front of one.

For now, I have only to rise and do what must be done for that day, and when tired – rest, when hungry – nourish, when thirsty – drink, for the body is a stubborn ally and champion for survival when the mind finds only obstacles and ambush or the heart has found it’s only solace in a blessed state of numbness, encased so well in the erected fortress of stone not much can reach it any longer.

Sounds Dark, right?

To me, it is not –

Rather, this is a haven I have visited well and many times before. It is the garden of peace where I am shrouded from all, while I rest and heal – where the wings of a Warrior Angel stand guard and shield – until I am once more fit to venture forth into the fray – restored and ready to carry that which has been given to me to carry for this life.

For myself, long ago, when driven to madness by pain I thought I could not endure, I realized, and was thankful for the knowledge, that I, for whatever reasons, have never been, even when give much opportunity, one to go ‘gently into that good night’ – nope. Even when my heart, mind and will cried out to ‘be done’ I would be blessed with sleep and open my eyes to discover I had not been delivered from the path I was born upon.

Lest you fear me depressed, I assure you, I am not –

I am merely worn out and sitting with the dark shadows of comfort, in the knowledge of my own frailties as a mortal and imperfect being, until such time as I can restore my energy, gird my loins and venture forth once more.

And so, in this year of so many challenges, on so many fronts, for ever so many –

I realized, perhaps, I should share with you a rendition of a song that that lifts my heart and spirit, so they may be better props for my body, in it’s depletion.

Like a healing balm, the words flow into my ears to soothe my mind and my heart at this, my period of ‘recovered enough energy to be restless at my slow progress, but not yet refueled enough to go forth in strength and stamina’

May you, too, whatever your trials and tribulations, be blessed by the Grace of the Broken Hallelujah…..

It’s Complex….

Or, in social media labeling world, ‘it’s complicated” –


I have been growing more quiet online and find myself growing quieter in person – – withdrawing and, if truth be told, suffering from frustration, a lack of hope, energy or inspiration given my own actions, interactions, etc., these past few weeks, as I wear out from the cadre of changing fronts, the cries for justice, the multiple ideas put forth by many, of ‘what needs to happen’ that, no matter what front they come from, I cannot fully grasp as being not only helpful for me, but overall, helpful for many – –

The ideals, ideas, hard lines drawn in the sand on many, many fronts and issues, overall, always, to me, fail to meet the mitmus test of my brain & heart on whether I shall support, get on the bandwagon, etc., on all fronts –

Simply because – they all seem to be focused on one slice of the issue – granted – each individual, community, group, should pursue educating or informing others, etc., and play in the fields of what they do best – –

On the other hand – I look to myself – what do I have to offer? Do I dilute myself to serve on many connected fronts and be ineffective on all? Do I drill down to focus and be massively effective in a small front, knowing, that should I do so, I will have effectively cut myself out of opportunities to learn more, and see where collaboration could be mutually beneficial?

Why yes, I’m in Dark Night of the Soul phase – – –

They are hitting faster and harder these past few years – I can only console myself with the thought, “I’m on the right path, of learning, and each lesson learned means the deliverance of ideas and lessons and calls for improvement just arrive faster and harder – -“

Because, afterall, baptism by fire or getting thrown into the deep end of the lake to learn to swim is a rather ‘connecting theme’ in my life thus far, and anytime I try to walk another path, no matter how long, it goes uglier, more heartbreaking than if I just showed up and took the fast balls thrown by life as I used to do when I was too young and stupid to realize, I might, with work and discipline, change my basic make-up – –

I no longer believe that – for me, I may leverage off my skills and inborn talents/way of being – –

I may learn how to harness my flaws to better serve me and those around me, but, overall, I cannot, nor should I, change the inherent me –

So that’s my update after long silence on either visiting, commenting or writing – –

But after months of exploration – weeks of trying to ‘turn away’, ‘run away’, melt away, etc., into me own little cave – and the ugly moments that occurred when I tried to interact best as I knew how those who followed me into my cave – when I cried out for assistance, or to be left alone, etc., I awoke this morning with rather, a deeper commitment to, “okey-dokey, this is what it looks like, just now – live with it – find a way to live with it without sacrificing your soul – find a way to survive without closing all doors – “

And I was reminded of a long ago video clip that was put out in 2010 – that I’ve re-watched twice and still can’t find a reason to discount any of the high level ideas/ideals presented that so impacted my life a decade ago when I first viewed it.

I see echoes of the same cries for change among so many current groups and mediums –

I also see the same core solutions that are not serving us well, over all, within the questions posed within it –

11 minutes – – a decade ago – an hour ago –

And so, I’m sharing it again – to say,

Um..yup – I and the world I live in has changed mightily, and yet, for me, nothing has changed when I contemplate the ideas and thoughts shared within this – –

What does that mean for me? For you? Guess we shall each wait and see….

RSA Animate: “21st Century Enlightment” Excerpt from Mathew Taylor

May this find you and yours faring well and if not, may you receive the help and blessings needed to carry forth…

Hit the Publish…button…now!

You Say it Best – When You Say Nothing at All –

Sharing my fave version of that song, by Alison Kraus –

Some 15,000+ written words later that sits in trashed, or saved draft, or ‘needs editing’ mode –

After some weeks, months…. years of frustration? Overall?

Let this suffice to ‘update my blogroll’ and yes, you’re right – when I go quiet it means, overall,

I’m in Exponential Existentialism Crisis Mode –

I’ve survived such things before, no reason to think I won’t this time around –

So here ya go – short quick, easy post for me,

perhaps, I got my internal arguing with meself, done, while writing that which may, never, be published,

but at the end of the day, some string music accompanied by a voice, I personally believe, is gifted by the Angels, is what was needed –

Which is why, it’s inherently easier to share the work of others than put in the effort to say it, play it, create it, yourself (you, me, anyone…..)

This is just where I’m at – – too many other things for dailing living just take way more energy than to leave much to spare over, anymore, to wax personally creative, eloquent or persuasive, overall –

I’ve now hit Rock Bottom – I’m one of the Hoarding, Madding Crowd of Easy Social Media personages –

Sigh –

It occurs to me that, sadly, no one it seems, anymore, is allowed to quietly die from a broken heart or in silent rebellion against the system within which they find themselves – even when they wish to ….be done….

So, perhaps, once again (like many times before) I shall find a reason to once more keep showing up – but the older and tireder I get, the less I desire wading into any new adventures, even online –

…even for reading & researching, for me own edification time that benefits no one but my internal needs, overall….

and I never thought I would live to see such a day, where the very activities that I used to love, and rather enjoyed doing, now?

Rather leave me, anymore, just feeling rather hopeless and useless…..

On some fronts, I’m not totally useless, just yet –

I still work, drink and smoke tobacco, therefore, I’m doing my part to consume and pay taxes in order to keep us all afloat for just a tad longer – – 🙂

Today? That’s about the best gratitude thingee I can really come up with on my place in this world or what I do to earn my ‘keep’ –

Some days, I can be funny –

Somedays, I encourage someone else to laugh, to dance, to sing –

Here and there I say what many were thinking but none risked saying so out loud, but were glad I said so…..

Etc., etc.

I have my gifts, here and there, but overall?

I’m not seeing where or how the application of most of them benefits me, one whit, overall – in the end – or makes navigating the current realities any easier or better, nor have I seen it for a long damn time –

I have no doubts whatsoever that others depend upon me, value me, on various fronts, etc., but I ask you – really – how long does one show up to serve the empire of all that is rotting us all from within?

Not long – in my estimation –

Just a futile effort to believe one’s life really has meaning and welll….

just look at the Romans – and quite frankly, I’m becoming too tired to make the massive effort needed, anymore, to go rogue and kick everyone’s ass – 🙂

But, perhaps next week, there will be more ups than downs – more meaning and less bullshit tempest in a teapot options to choose from- who knows?

Which is why I keep opening my eyes each morning, discover I’m still breathing and say to the Universal All –

“Okay – I woke up…am breathing again….Thanks for saying it all when you say nothing at all…..”