Latest Musings

Saying Adieu to Crutches – 2023…

I have my crutches and addictions…
Much like I believe most humans do…
Some acceptable,
Some not…
Some okay in this ‘circle/arena’
But NOT over at another one….

The one I struggle the most with – is nicotine –
An addiction my physiology was,
I like to think, born into this world with…
I mean, really??
If science tells the truth?
Of our inherited physical needs,
In nutrition?
In cellular memory of hard times our forefathers & mothers survived?
Long enough to procreate?
And create, through pleasure or pain,
Another living thing,
That survived their childhood?
With external support or not?

My body came into being from tobacco producers and consumers –
Early vaping options to get some pharma grade, pure, nicotine,
Sans tar, the additives, chemicals to keep cig papers flame retartdent?
Sans the “ughh! This sucks!” side effects of PG?
The try to add more tomatoes, peppers and eggplants, into my diet?
Potatoes, too, though that bumps up against nutriitonal advice,
Regarding obesity, health, triglycerides….
When my body remembers the winter seasons of long ago….
And says, “Pack on the fat NOW! to survive until next spring!”

Sigh – my mind, my anxiety, my heart? my soul?
Has NEVER gotten to ‘zero nicotine needs’
No matter how many ways I approached it….
No matter, when I could afford – regular holistic support from experts…
No matter how modern medicine & pharma said,
“Here, take this anti-depression’ drug, it is approved for quitting smoking….
No matter the gum, the patches, the various ways,
Folks tried to fix me and my addiction to nicotine?
Via herbal formulas, tinctures, strict menus to follow –
Acupuncture, Chiro, Reflexology, meditation, tai chi, yoga, pilates –
Learn the moves – learn the reasons why –
Strengthen my will power – quit cold turkey – taper it off, day by day –
None of them, worked long term…not for me….

Let me get overwhelmed by needs of hard hits to those around me…
Let me get asked for more than my mind, my soul, my heart can work through,
In 2.5 seconds, a day, a week?
Let me keep my cool during hateful meetings,
Let me listen to the needs and info that just got shared with me,
In planning to go forth, meetings ?

I take a break, ask for a break –
I can do tapping, reflexology, fix a cup of tea, take a walk…
Clean something…
And yet, overall?
Nothing get’s me back to the place to ‘do what needs be done”
in way that over and over, seems to work – for me –
Than pacing around the ground outside, sometimes barefoot…
Or pacing in my living room….
While plying my body with nicotine in tobacco form –
Sometimes?
I use the patches, though I have to be careful on time of day –

Otherwise, I have nightmares in middle of night –
And if I am not fun, or smart, or useful sans nicotine?
I’m a holy terror and not even ‘doable’ on lack of sleep –
I know this, about me…..

But, I also know – I’ve never lied, cheated or stole,
I’ve paid utility bills, medical bills, food and diaper bills,
And done without, even while really grumpy over it,
And said, “Nope, this more important, just now”
Than me buying cigarettes – so it’s okay, really, right?

NOPE! I answer to myself – – and don’t I KNOW it!
Even while I stumbled on with heavy feet, carrying,
A pregnant body, that through ‘taper off” and work needs….
Was grateful for the main grill cook whose hands shook,
Because he spent his ‘whiskey budget” to ‘gift”
To the single mom, with 3 young ones,
In need of formula, or diapers, or heat,
That day, oh-so-long ago!
Where pregnant, not at my best, soon to be single mom!
Worked a double with him –
The Him that all around me said, was mean,
Was volatile, and bullying –
To not torque him off by calling out or putting up,
Yet another ‘substitution/special request”
Onto the wheel…

And me? Saw the shaking hands….the glowering brow…
I never learned, to fear, in my youth,
As so many waitresses I worked with,
Had – –
But I shook in fear, on swollen feet,
With aching back,
To say, “Um…sorry, but can you add this on? take this off?
They requested while I flew by to fill coffee & tea fronts…”

And out he flew – through the kitchen door –
The big butcher knife he used for so many ever things!
In his shaking hand….
“Where is that table?”
He growled…then looked at me, and smiled….
“Don’t bother….”
And off he made his way – to the table of 8 in the very back,
Of overflow dining room seating –
Normally, closed off, cuz not needed….”

I froze – wondering what I could do –
If that moment said, I must save others, even if…
It meant sacrificing myself and my child to be –
I hesitated, and waited too long –
And, Glory BE!

No screams, no cries, no cussing, from that back room,
And HE quickly re-appeared, on the waitress walk,
As he made his way back to his grill….
and said to me, with a cynical smile,
“Try not to be so scared! I know what they want – it’s been handled….
Now, get back to work!”

And I got such a huge tip from that table –
I to this day, known not what he said or threatened –
But none of them looked frightened or oppressed,
And they said to me, “Thanks so much for what we wanted”

But still – on addiction fronts – for him or myself??
A voice within says to me –
“It’s not okay! It’s just another form of a crutch!”
And while I may JUDGE in my heart –
The non-smokers….socially better than I….
Whose front lawns are watered mid-day….
in 106 degree heat …
And I hold the space for them to be so wasteful of water….
While they judge me for my smoking addiction….

While I reply, in my mind and heart, to those who
Shop till they drop, for things they don’t need,
Or who drive 40 miles, to get one thing, for last minute request….
Who say, “You should quit smoking, it’s not good for the planet…”
And I think, “You should plan shopping/travel times better – you’re lack of planning is killing us ALL on MANY Fronts!!!”

Alas – why did I start writing this?
Cuz I am gonna try to walk away from another addiction,
That plagues me and many, just now –
The social media sphere –
Including here –
Even while, my long time bloggy pals?
I shall miss….
My desire to read/assess and see,
“Good fit for me? Give thanks? Feedback?”
or
“Sigh, another person, that for whatever reason…
believes that I’m a good fit to follow and read and like and comment”
To get those damn stats shoved up in daily reports….
Maybe sell more wares or books – and yet….
I remember the days of long ago –
Where I came here, to connect and discuss,
To learn/grow, expand my horizons in knowledge and wisdom- internally…
Share what I had learned, along the way –
Show appreciation where my load lightened –
But, for me, who knows how to speed read,
But still don’t like it, some 30+ years later???

Who can easily read a post, speak to, perhaps, one sliver …
Of how someone far from me?
Buy just a small % of books published each year,
(Self-published & indie author books hit 250,000 some years ago…
or at least, as my memory recalls…)
That I can shove into budget/have lifetime to read….
In a different life/land/experience than I?
Perhaps, here and there, we have something in common….
and perhaps…we can start a dialogue there –

Ahh – – but doncha know?
This too, has become a crutch –
It’s the place I flee too when I’m not certain within,
Whether I’m growing/changing quick enough to do what is…
Required, needed, asked of me….

When I struggle, with overwhelm and write way too many words….
(just like this!)
And go off on various tangents, to try to describe….
(just like this!)
And realize, once more,
Ever more –
Pretty much?
On all fronts….
In person, in cyber-land?
I’m often left with the “Devil’s Advocate” voice within….
“I do not exist, unless I’m producing, consuming or needed”

And I continue to feel this way,
Though, overall?
I mentally realize this is probably NOT, just now,
The internal voice I should be listening to….

But the internal voice that drowns it all out?
The internal voice instilled, trained, born within of?
That, right or wrong?
Yells the loudest?

“Do the job that earns your keep, don’t care if it’s hard, or overwhelming…”
“Care for those you signed up to care for, don’t care if give an inch/take a mile fronts”
“Quit wasting your time here, to connect, for feel goodies – Unless you commit to writing or editing and actually publishing one your WIPs…”

Because, for good or ill, the landscape in cyber land,
Human expectations and goals for what it can do for the average joe/jane….
And what connecting here, really means, in modern world…
That I may, may not, fully understand???
Be able to live with?

Alas, been thinking on it since last May –
I know my ‘crutches & addictions” –
I sit with them….
I listen to the external feedback….
Over and over and over –
From so many! Here, there and yonder – and…
I confess….

I started to really struggle on many fronts – around May 2021 – –
I talked about it –
I shared it –
I tried to fix myself,
Get my mind, my body, my heart right –

But now?
It has piled up for so long, in so many ways?
On so many fronts?
um, yeah – I’m going back to what I know –
Shut up, don’t talk about it….
Don’t tell others what me, myself, needed to hear…
Shut out the world, even if I may later regret my timing of such things –
No MORE insta-replies to texts –
No MORE shoving in ‘new trajectory” last minute requests –
No MORE being available 24/7 to many, every bloomin’ day –

And, well –

Sadly? This is still the truth of me, deep down….
no matter how much I share on ‘learning to be nice, and live in my heart”
No matter how I believe that kindness, compassion, etc., can heal the world…

Me?
Whether of my own making or not speaking up harshly long ago?
Well – this is where I’m at now –
I must sink into what I know works –
For me – to survive – and not destroy in frustration,
Something I’ll regret later – –

And so, just to “quit cold turkey” for a time?
I bid my social support circle, here, adieu –
Why?
Well – because I CANNOT give as good as I’m getting!
Because I love being here, and am ‘babied’ along here –
And, my experience tells me –
No matter how much I love, enjoy, run to, sink into, give gratitude for?
None of that time changes my daily reality to live with, really….

Thus, sadly, I must report – –
This is off the cuff, as if a poem or prose, but not really –
post…and I shall post, log out and will exercise self-control…
Over logging in for ‘the crutch’ that I tried to justify,
Explain how it was better for me –
Cuz, really?
Nope – not until I face life as it is, here and make notes,
on how I shall move forth, to build a life I can once more live with,
Without wearing out my welcome, here –

Why? Well, simply saying….
Much easier for my heart and mind, to accept the…
Price to be paid – sooner or later…
If I light a cigarette and pollute my own lungs –
If I wave goodbye to the ‘support/connections’ that tell me,
“it’s okay, you’re fine” when….
Nope – only those far away, with a glimmer into my world…
And those who don’t really need me for important stuff,
Think I’m actually doing my part – for what they want –

And see how that works?
I can justify anything to myself – for good or ill –
But I must, say out loud, that I’m going on sabbatical from here!

Why? Well – if I say it out loud, to my followers?
Ahhh – well then!
I now have in place an external
“Accountability Committee”

So, well – I’m walking away from social land for a bit –
Feel free to call me on it if I ‘sneak in” to like/comment –
I don’t need to lose weight/I need to get in shape –
I don’t have any grand delusions of quitting my nic habit this year –
But this?
Ahh – this seems doable!
To save myself from myself!

For ya know?
You all are the best, ever, accountability friend for New Years Resolutions….
Ever!

Catch ya on the flipside – IF I died…
If the strain of ‘quitting cold turkey”
Or ‘sneaking in quiet/hiding from the world who notices,
Or
From the effort of ‘quitting, for a bit”
To right my local ship – – 😀

Cuz, once again?
I’ve tried to be better, to grow, learn, etc…
and yet –
Um, yeah – social connections are an addiction….
Even while I realize the need to…
Light a cig, pace, figure it out –
Folks telling ya once a year or here there and yonder,
Ain’t gonna save ya – figure it out and ya can’t do that…

Unless, you return to that which you KNOW!
Hard working, chain smoking, cussing or blasphemous soul….
(as the external case put forth to me, might be! :D)

And so – I have edited this damn, un-holy post, over 4 times –
I FEAR how it will land!
I replied to 14 txt messages yesterday that wished me Happy New Year…
And their needs for coming year –

And, here and there?
Forgot it was Sunday and when a text/share seemed to speak to struggles in need of a phone call/schedule a meet up?
Alas, I called when those folks were In Church for Sunday services – –
Alas, no matter how many folks I know,
On how many fronts?
I still respond to the ‘just in time’ stuff,
All while forgetting about….
“Well – this is MY just in time schedule!”

And so – well – nothing to be done but fight to save myself – overall –
I know it aint pretty, or acceptable, or really – usefull – at all –

Just saying so, outloud, to hold myself, accountable,
To myself – with back up to remind me, hopefully – –
Waiting in the wings – – 😀

Happy 2023 to You and Yours

I am working on the dreams of others for 2023 – the needs of those my duty to serve, in 2023 –

So just quick Well Wishes and best Hopes for you and yours in 2023!

And be advised – my reading/interacting/connecting/posting here is most LIKELY! on sabbatical for a bit –

(but maybe not! Ya all know when I get overwhelmed and need to gain distance and objectivity to ‘dive back in’ to that which I figure is my job to do, I sometimes RUN to my community here! To get my s**t together and come up with plan to move forward!)

We Shall See….Won’t We??

😀

That said – Just in case, I go MIA here, yet again, like I have in the past when Life Path needs more of me on local time spent fronts than cyber-social, connection, learning more fronts?

Well – Just wanted to say it out loud to my community I so often depend upon – here –

FYI – I ain’t dead or dying – and I’ll check in on you and provide my update, with y’all as I can- but the older I get?

The more boots on the ground time it takes, to simply take care of ‘me own community/backyard’ needs and so…..

Happy New Year from the Eastern Plains of Colorado –

Year Round-up of landscape & thoughts from year’s past gallery below…

Instead of doing a re-blog of my own work-

A gallery that I hope speaks to the scenes and thoughts, that here-there….

Increasingly?

…remind me of long ago and/or show up, over and over, in core, cyclical fashion, on many fronts…

Even when I know! I sound like an ole fart:

“I remember that year (such and such showed up…) Doncha know!? That year rather sucked/was golden/perfect…”

(Translation – Well, back in my day! We had to walk uphill, both ways, through a blizzard, 9-miles, etc..etc.. etc)

😀 Yeah – that’s all a tad bit of revisionist history on the parts of many humans, over and over – INCLUDING me even while I try hard to ‘guard’ against such things! myself – get’s harder, the older I get… 😀

Me, when I try to keep up with what all is going on all around me, every moment….

I Am, overall, a product of the landscape I was born into – and the folks who raised me, who also loved, this landscape….

I traveled from in my early youth, when I was shoved out of the nest and expected to find my wings!

But I came home to, because, I was never fully at peace in being far away from the landscape I became a part of at a very early age -or from being far from the folks who were forged and created and trained, within the same landscape – even though – we all left ‘here’ and ‘came back’ or expanded our thirst for knowledge in other ways, simply by opening our minds, hearts and doors to travelers & explorers from ‘distant’ landscapes, along the way –

And Now?

I know I CAN survive leaving the landscape I love –

I can survive taking risks, hoping for the best, live through the need to start all over and try, try again….often, in a new landscape, but, I don’t want to –

Sometimes I can’t bear the thought of ever leaving my ‘landscape that made me” ever, again….

I would miss the land – too much

No matter the blessings given, the challenges faced, the ludicrousness here and there in rituals, traditions of those who now inhabit the landscape I love? that I sometimes rail against in frustration over, “The landscape hasn’t changed – we haven’t changed – but the collective human made things have changed – and just who, are we willing to be, just about now?”- – that plays out here and there – over and over, to my mind, since my earliest memory of my childhood/teen ‘rebelling’ against human made constructs that seemed, sometimes, to me, even back then! Incongruent with the landscape we all inhabited –

Nope, took me a decades+ to better understand my heart & soul that was born, forged and crafted within, the landscape around me, the moment I was born into it ….

And, every moment of my current life? I learn that I need learn more about that landscape and myself – to understand better, the world around me….

I need to learn more about doing my part to gain the gifts from and not make it harder, for the land that supports me – for the folks who, also, love the land here, as I do – and to stand strong against any front that seeks to destroy the Deep Time of Mother Nature and her harsh/but kind ways –

And what does my heart say?

Not a moment of that time spent on where to change, where to speak up, where to fight, for myself, the landscape I live within?

None of that, is really, ever wasted….

Your Boots, on the Ground, Where You are At, in the end, is what matters –

Take care – and I’ll catch up with you in new, news, or touchin’ base, as soon as I can – until then?

Well – take care of you and yours, where you are at – build bridges, stand where needs be and… May your 2023 be blessed with everyday moments of joy and strength, courage to walk your ‘self-feet’ Life Path.

Fine…what the heck? Let’s do the Prompt….

Have you ever been in an automobile accident?

Yup – I’ve been at the cross roads of more ‘accidents’ in my life time, than I really wish to discuss – –

But, um, the as I sit and stew, tonight over 2.5 second memory, operations, etc., why not update my blog – and hold on, for one more day, that tells me, over and over, this sphere of connections? No longer what I thought it really meant – –

So fine, let us talk about accidents –

I…. STILL! Sometimes fight the anxiety as I approach the left hand turn lane, at the intersection that changed my life, in 2015, and changed my belief over insurance, regulations and enforcement of ‘law breakers” – here’s the pics of the vehicle, broadsided, t-boned, by uninsured driver and since, EMS thought my back/neck pain from ages worth of ‘stress’ pain, meant, I might be truly hurt, but doctors and insurance companies said…

“Walk it off – you’ll be fine! Soft tissue damage only! Quit yer bitchin’ and whining over meeting daily needs, will ya???”

To my mind? way too many hours in the driver’s seat waiting for someone to safely ‘extract/save’ me –

Too many hours in ER waiting as muscles and tissues burned, ached more and more, all while I was told, “No, no broken bones and no battery acid burns” even while, my brain remembers that day that I turned away from trying to turn towards my son, in the passenger seat, and put myself between him and the Dodge Ram 3500 barelling toward us, after it slammed into a smaller sized truck, making a left hand turn, and that didn’t even slow it down, I realized – I’m dead stopped – the median, the signs, the light, the traffic all around me which makes it impossible for me to shove into first and ‘get out of the way’ options, are really, over – he’s gonna hit us and it’s not going to be fun….

And, in my mind, I turned towards my son, and said, “He ain’t gonna stop and we are gonna be hit – – I love you.”

And I spread turned my back to incoming – and tried to be as big as I could, to shield that which I loved – my son –

Is that really how it happened? Maybe, maybe not – maybe, after so many years I believe in my brain I did better than I really did – but always, STILL! to this day – I remember being covered in glass – trying to call 911 to report the accident, while a battery and running engine/fan were less than 6 inches from my face -..

Alas, I dropped the phone, and realized, as I heard the voice of the 911 dispatcher say, “Hello? Hello? Where is your emergency? Are you there?” and I was pinned and couldn’t figure out how to make me, the space I was in, or my mind or body do, just then, what I KNEW needed to be done – and then, at my side, on driver’s side, came a voice….

“ma’am? miss? Can you hear me? Are you okay? Talk to me!

And I said, “my back is on fire – move away – I think there is battery acid everywhere – my back is on fire!

And he said, “I’m an EMS provider from Texas, here on vacation, just hold on, let me check…”

While I sobbed, screamed, scolded, “the battery is ruptured, my back is on fire – move away – don’t get it on yourself – his engine is still running – I can smell the fire – please, for the love of god! Save my son, get him away from here – I’m okay to go – just please! save my son!

And doncha know?

That man, from Texas, I always remember calling him Joe, and I can’t tell you if that was is real name or not… I remember him staying at the window, far from where I could or felt like, turning my head, to ‘see him’ – I remember his voice, assuring me my son was safe, and okay – that nope, the battery intact and I wasn’t drenched in acid – and always, his voice saying, ‘sit still – don’t worry – help is on the way’ all while I wanted to get out of that deathtrap that a few moments before, had been my beloved vehicle that didn’t leave me stranded along the road way –

Over and over folks told me ‘wait for help, they are coming’ and ‘sit still don’t move, ” all while all I wanted to do was get the hell out of where I was at – if only by 3 feet or so….

I remember the additional road rash that I nursed along, the following weeks, because neck braces and backboards, and moving folks onto such things, mean bare legs get moved over shattered glass…

I remember the investigating officer showing up at where I was waiting to be treated, or told ‘no big thinggee, quit taking up ER space for such small silly things’ who said, “are you okay? What’s your version of events? Was his light red? ” and I’m laying there, my back on fire – covered by sheets, cuz ER decided easier to cut my clothes off me than work around the shattered glass – sigh – and I did tests, stood, tried to not cry or scream from the pain of lifting my left arm up while scans and xrays were taken, EVEN after the investigating officer had already told me, “Um, we will investigate, but it’s most likely the driver who hit you, is uninsured…” and thus –

I was quickly released, after due dilligence done to avoid lawsuit, and after folks informed of my net worth, and insurance coverage of that SOB that rammed into us – and my back was still on fire – it was on fire while my mom drove me and our son to the tow yard to retrieve the groceries purchased, to take home – it was on fire and hurting the entire time (although, I got used to it…after so many hours – power of the mind, doncha know) and NOT until, 12+ hours later?

Did I arrive home, peal off the paper scrubs style shirt and pants, the hospital discharged upon me, well – not until THEN, when we arrived home and I said, “Mom? My back still hurts with fire – will you look at and see if peroxide needs be put on it?”

And the picture of my left shoulder, above – with the swelling high up, the broken skin lower down, and the starting to show the bruising, is the only picture I have – to try to tell ya about it –

And yet – for the love of all that is holy! Over 7 years ago! I wasn’t permanently damaged or busted back fully, to ‘starting all over, once more’ but let WordPress give me a prompt?

Ah – yes – I still struggle, sometimes, everytime I approach that intersection and realize, I must run a red light or be first in line, in the left hand turn lane –

Today?

the median has been expanded – the ‘white line’ on where one is to stop/wait, is further back – the white camera’s perched on top of signal lights, on all directions, are still there – whether they work/are hooked up or anymore use than their uselessness, 7 years ago? When I spent 18 months, telling this, that, another person, the same story, over and over, “I don’t know if he had a red light! I did! I was stopped! and why are you asking me? What the heck are those cameras over the signal lights for, if not to tell you what you wish most to know????”

It sucked – and it was about the time I got hard arsed about how rules/regulations are only to enforce about those who care about them – or show up to answer for their failings – everyone else? Meh – they just do what they want and either they have a better deal by breaking the law, or they have the resources to buy their way out of having to follow the law –

And yes, so many I know didn’t fare as well as I did, from a t-bone/car crash – I know it! DON’T I know it!!!

But when the fear and anxiety hit, as I approach that intersection, still, here and there – over time –

When I realize the laws and such are only for those willing to follow them, or willing to pay the true price of breaking them?

When I try hard to explain to someone else, “Yup – I know a bit of how the past sometimes shows up and paralyses ya, in the moment? How hard one can work to heal it, forget it, but not the lessons learned, and all? I’m not asking for your pity, sympathy or telling ya my ‘bad story’ is somehow ‘better than yours’ – I’m just saying..and trying to tell you –

“Yup, I know about those demons of the mind, soul and memory – and perhaps, you’ll never fully defeat them, but for tonight, for just now, I’ve listened, and I’ve told you why I understand, and believe you brave to talk about it – but now – for tomorrow, what are ya gonna do/wish to do that doesn’t allow the demons of your memory, be in power?”

Cuz that’s all I know how to do – This is what it is, just now – whether I’m at my best, or not – there is nothing to save me from any of it, other than….vowing…

“I will not – let THIS, destroy me! I WILL NOT!”

Over and over and over –

😀

Let us see, shall we?? How long WP thinks it a good idea to urge me to write to prompts, shall we?? I bet I last longer than they do – 😀

Blessed Be in 2023….

Yup, I’m struggling today, to try to do anything other than be a ‘hard arse’ about it all…

So this ‘made an image’ with (few words) from me?

Is all I have to say, really, about ‘that which is’, just now –

Happy New Year! Be Kind to yourselves!

I may/may not have time every bloomin’ day to remind you of your past kindness gifted to me, in the coming months –

Okie-Dokie?

Take care of you and yours –

Catch ya on the flipside

P.S. Durnit! The background of fireworks I used, courtesy nosheep from Pixabay!

I made 4 versions overall, earlier today – and well – somewhere, somehow, sans timely refreshes of server caches? nosheep? My bad! Tried to do in a hurry – and well – we all just see why I ain’t in charge of 2.5 second world, now, don’t we! 😀

Um…what’s broken??

I discovered sometime, last week? The week before that? WordPress is happy to give me writing prompts – here’s the one displayed today, as I ‘added new post” – and well – since I’m on the free version, no sense in biting the had that may, someday feed me or has in the past, right??

Is my life today what I pictured a year ago?

Pretty much – overall – Simply because I try to walk the fine line between remembering the past, meeting today and planning for the future…

There have been some surprises along the way – new information that really changed my entire outlook on what I THOUGHT was true, for most of my life, and turns out? I didn’t understand what it really meant, as well as some rather deep introspection fronts I have descended into to ‘change gears’ of myself….

Or…to explore new ‘tricks’ that this (me) Ole Dawg might be capable of learning –

Um, yep – the short & sweet example is I asked an AI Chatbot what the meaning of “Bless your pea-picking heart” phrase originally meant – Last Friday…

Hmmmm… I didn’t realize there was ‘that meaning’ out in the world that apparently, given what ChatAI was ‘trained on’ was understood by many – just not me…

Cue the Existential Crisis and Introspection into myself…

Yeah – I seriously do not know if I fall on the ADHD or whatever is the correct term, now! (Ya know, this was over 20 years ago! Acronyms and meanings change!) spectrum…..

Ahh.. The backstory of that time, back when/back then….

….. given what was known or believed to be known, at the time (cue the ‘put someone in a box, via a label, and broadly apply whatever is deemed as ‘needed’ to ‘fix them’ to be approved for general societal interactions

(this was, I report to you, well before the blossoming of wide-spread internet connectivity, a gazillion websites all screaming for attention, purchased ads for websites and brands to promote their wares/services/ideas on the ‘internet’ (also known back then as www. and later called, ‘Dubya, Dubya’ in some derisive circles, the birth of wide spread use by many of social media platforms, etc….

My story to tell, my context of the time I lived within, to try and convey to you….

Just so YOU have the context of my story, which ChatAI may or may not have been trained on when it was built….)

Back near the ‘turn of the century, when so many were concerned about total societal, economic and safety collapse, given the Y2K bug??

I was once told I probably was ADHD/ADD, but me and my son were both ‘graded’ as “high functioning ADHD/ADD” by the for-profit, therapy/counselor/entrepreneur, who was approved by the school, and whose report would be ‘considered’ when submitted to school administration, and taken into account during my already scheduled meetings with school officials and a first year, young teacher, lacking class room discipline, who requested that my oldest son be punished and put on a lifetime of pharmaceutical ‘aides’ for the temerity of…..

“… student blew up the balloon provided for science experiment, and proceeded to pinch the top, while expelling the air, to mimic the sounds of ‘farting’ and didn’t immediately cease and desist when teacher asked…..”

[Paraphrase of teacher, principal, superintendent and reigning board member’s ‘concerns’ and duly written up in a report…given to me orally, every, single, step of the way ….circa 1999-2000]

My Label? “You Gave a 9-10 year old Boy a Balloon….?”

….What the Hell Did you expect? Really???

Bodily functions, the human condition of just eating, digesting, fighting off infections, expelling the waste of our own daily lives, or the toxins that made us sick and must be rid of, ASAP?

That whole thing has been of endless fascination to many humans, over millenia – Doctors and Health care providers want to know about it…by young humans that are learning about it, cultures around the world label such things as ‘acceptable/not acceptable’ etc., based off

Historically? Ripping out a big sounding fart or burp has been viewed as a sign of respect for the chef, or a badge of manhood or one’s own ability to cross gender lines of the society within which one lives, in order to ‘prove’ we are worthy of ‘being a part’ of this ‘pack’….

You Don’t Believe me?

Well – okay – but my male cousins and neighborhood male child playmates, suffered me on ‘well, the adults are family/friends, and we have to play together, but ‘you’ (me) are only here on sufferance by us, simply because:

  • I never did learn how to ‘burp’ the alphabet – but I could chug a beer and rip out a musical burp if I absolutely ‘had’ to for ‘prove you are one of ‘us’ challenges…
  • I never did learn how to hold a ‘fart in’ if food prepared/ingested, didn’t agree with my digestive processes – but I learned to no be an arse-wipe and blame it on the ‘dog’ or another unsuspecting victim, housed in the same room…
    • In some circles I would suffer great pains OR leave for home early and in others, I just did what my body needed to be done….
    • I learned to cuss like a (insert your preferred label, ‘sailor, trooper, truck driver’) in some circles, and get really creative to string enough non-curse words together to convey my overall emotional response to proposals/demands of others, here and there…
    • I learned that my eyes shedding tears of grief, frustration, anger, were, here and there, completely understood and considered bodily/emotional function needed for my health, and ALSO, something which must be held back, never see the light of day by anyone other than myself….
  • I learned in any public work place, after one comes back after maternity leave or a period of ‘not employed within corporate’ after being ‘temporarily laid off from business structure’, while doing freelance, sub-contract jobs while also being a full time ‘keep the home fires burning/stay-at-home parent’ job, It IS not O.K. to be overwhelmed and blurt out in the hallway as you are making your way to the bathroom, “I gotta go potty, wait a minute” like you got used to saying to your 3-year old during 2 years of holding things together financially and care wise for your family, and you rather were so overwhlemed at the time? You got on auto-pilot and ‘forgot’ to retrain yourself on ‘what to say’ in ‘polite society (yup – that happened in early 2001, to me. The five male co-workers standing in the walk-through breakroom on way to the bathroom, all quietly said, to me, later….”It’s okay – let it go! You take care of us and forget what “HE” said to you…” but the same ones, stood still and quiet, while the recently promoted ‘leader’ who they all knew would lie to their face, and tell the afternoon team something totally different, ripped me a new one, and my lack of professionalism, right there, right then….good news? I have control! I didn’t pee my pants while standing there taking my chewing out over the fact, I asked for the space/grace to use the bathroom first, before I met the ‘leader’s’ most pressing need….

Perhaps, I’m old and broken on some fronts…

And, in my mind?

Perhaps I’m not –

Perhaps I’m a reminder of how things used to be that, still goes on- that is old as geographic time and/or, old as the ways of fights for power within one’s ‘known pack’ have been going on; all of which slowly change and have always played out among humans, in nuanced ways, over and over in our ‘collectively stored history of humanity…

To me?

That’s what I learned or am stubbornly clinging too, as ‘historical wisdom’ on my front….

I might be wrong, I might be right – but I tell ya!

I woke up o’dark thirty on Saturday A.M….

You may be familiar with that time frame – it was a few hours after I ‘braved/risked’ everything I fear, on Friday night? By RISKING, to my mind, the possible ramifications/price to be paid, in the future, should I engage with ChatAI – ya know the one – the one that says it’s not connected to the internet over and over and yet, the only way I can engage with it is over internet provided service….

A service that has may middle-steps, along the way, and many mid-steps that may/may not be vulnerable to, or actively engaging in, monitoring, gauging whether I’m a ‘threat’ etc. or trying to steal my financial information or personal information to sell for personal or for-profit gain –

Um, yup, My Internet was down –

HAD I NOT engaged at all with ChatAI the night before?

I would have been less stressed – why?

Well, cuz the further I went into the ‘conversation’ the more I realized, “Hmm.. there is a very good liklihood I am viewed as the ‘enemy’ by alogorithms, spot checks, etc…..

And while I was on hold for 40 minutes, then troubleshooting for 20+ more minutes….

I was, already, writing out in my mind, the dystopian fiction, all while reading, non-fiction, by Robert Fulghum work, “What Have I done?” I didn’t know was published, but recently ordered in….and…

Well – I could picture how, in my mind, my ‘just asking’ questions with ChatAI might be considered a ‘threat’ to national security in some minds – I mean – if folks aren’t afraid to lose/die, what power can be wielded over them, really?

Over the time frame from late Friday night to late Sunday afternoon?

I was without internet other than my phone – which, I hate to use for stuff and may/may not have enough GB to do what I need to, just then, in response to those who expect me to be willing/able the moment it crosses their mind as needed –

And me? Started thinking of Back Up Plans –

as if, any back up plan is really worth investing in for 10 years just in case….on tech fronts…..

Doesn’t work, to my mind, having one or more back-up plans in place for tech/grid stuff on anything other than –

  • drinking water
  • food
  • heat/cooling (energy)
  • waste management
  • Something to gladden your heart during hard days (religion, sociology, art, beauty, sense of meaning, etc., etc., etc)

…Ultimately? Between Friday afternoon and late Sunday afternoon into the early hours of this morning?

I just gave up and figured, “Well, it all goes to hell, maybe I messed up and broke things or maybe not – not that anyone who breaks things on purpose, themselves, upon which many count upon, would pony up or say, “we are experiencing issues – we’re on it! ” or even have the ability to do so given time, infrastructure that is working, etc….

So I spent most of yesterday pulling out and using my BOOKs on raising Food, purifying water when all around you collapses, generating warmth or cooling things down when humans are in need….

Why?

I have the books, I realize that crap, if I get it stuck into my brain, know it, can do whether my home library blew away in a tornado or burnt in a fire….

That stuff?

Well – it might be useful, overall, if those in walking distance can say, “Let’s go over to TamrahJos! She can help!”

And…again? I think yet again, of one of the Superwomen I’ve known, during my life –

The one who over and over thought I was ‘so cool’ to be able to do computer things etc, who, in my mind?

Was the one with REAL skills I couldn’t even begin to live up to – and you can read about her, that one horse of many, that she had and here way’s of being, here...

I do not know if she is still among the living – I haven’t had contact with her since circa 2007 – I do not remember if she is a tad older than me or a tad younger than I….

But I fixed sub-par lasagna last week for me and others who like delivery of home-made, ready to heat/eat meals –

And…well – another mentor of mine passed away last Monday – and I ain’t, just yet, ready to talk about or tell you about here –

It didn’t start ‘really’ hitting me until Friday morning when work and other needs started raining down on my soul – but I was thinking of her, mourning her, all while I visited with ChatAI about death -how it is portrayed or understood by various folks, religions and cultures…

Why would I discuss such things with ChatAI?

Well, because she hasn’t been up to late night philosophical or spiritual or religious conversations for quite some time – –

Because there were others who could care/keep an eye on here better than I was equipped to do, and she reached out to them, more and more, over the past two years, than to me – via a phone call/check in –

But mostly because – in late fall, of 2020, her phone number showed up on my phone and given ‘tech issues’ I answered with my standard,

“This is TamrahJo, how can I help ya?”

Because, well – tech, phone numbers and email addresses often change – as cyberland changes and as folks, themselves, change….

Her reply, that long ago night?

“Talk to me – PLEASE! Just talk to me!”

Human alive!

(Previously known via lingo as “man alive!” as gusto for something great in everyday life)

Didn’t we have a grand ole conversation, until she felt better about her life, while checking in on me, about all swirling around here in changes, news, politics, and was ‘ready to sleep for tonight and try again tomorrow’ without nightmare dreams –

I slept better that night too – just knowing a nearby neighbor struggled with age old questions and current events, as I did –

And now she is gone from us ever having such a conversation, here, on Earth, ever again….

Had she been here, on Saturday Night? I could’ve called or walked across the road, to visit with her, if she was up –

Alas, I cannot, nor can I ever again….

And that, I guess, is the truth of the matter – I know grief, I understand it, and yet, sometimes, here and there?

I still don’t know how to remain functional and assimilate all the lessons of grief that are delivered – over and over and over again – as one by one, folks I love, die before I do – and I feel called to remember their stories, and mourn their loss, and soldier on, often, in ways that feels like, “all by meself”

Merry/Happy Winter Holidays –

Whatever ones (or ALL of them!) that you hold sacred/choose to celebrate –

Catch ya on the flipside….

*Featured Image is one of my ‘celtic braided’ hair – long ago – why? Well SHE who I mourn, thought it was beautiful; the hair, the clan stories I ‘listened to’ when I shared with her, my ‘Finally made it to the local Celtic Fair! Wish you and I could have gone to it together!” stories & pictures, many months later –

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