Ragged and Raw I read The Last Post?
Even Though….I knew and have known….
this or another tomorrow
Might bring this news
I have walked this path before,
Thus, I should not be caught unawares
And should have finished an Ode worthy of Sue
I have tried to write the right words…
While my throat choked
And my heart broke in two
And edit, perfect it, put it in poetry form
Or short haiku
Perhaps a 20,000 word short-short-novella?
For what is but a short time,
and yet, feels-like-so-long now….
Instead, I chose to read and comment…
And thrilled each time the Notification ‘ting’
Showed your name…
Just one more time –
Today….you felt well enough to ‘do you’ and your passion
One more time!
Oh… how I have spent so many moments in ‘pre-grieving’
Being sternly with myself ‘realistic’ and wondering…
Can my heart take one more loss in this way?
Can I show up as I need to for her, while being me?
And being me means mourning for me, too?
In the daily ‘real’ loss of her?
All while I also tried to put to mere words,
What you, your words, your thoughts, your emails
Your pen-pal friendship,
Have meant to the joyful parts in the tapestry of my life.
I tried a poem – it didn’t rhyme…
I tried a novella – ran out of ‘time’
In my patience with me and my wandering tangents world –
And instead….I did what I have always done –
When faced with impending loss
I get the gift of knowing may be looming sooner than I wished
Of one who is part of ‘the making of me’ that goes ever on….
I waited to see what you said…
And went where your spirit led…
Be angry? Heck Ya! I can do that with you!
Be grateful? YES! I am grateful for having met you
Some regrets here and there? YES! can do!
Cuz, I really thought ‘someday’
I would scoot around your beloved countryside,
All on the ‘wrong side of the road’ to my American eyes.
With you at the wheel and us laughing like loons.
That you would understand when I stood stock still…
in some field, and whispered,
“Do you feel that? what is it do you suppose?”
Trusting you would understand when I said,
“Please, can I just sit by this rock for awhile longer?
Really, after all, what time does the pub close?”
And yet – for me –
All while I grieve in my mind and realize
The end of my ‘someday’ dreams draws near
My heart says, “But, she is not gone!”
She lives on in your dreams
Who you can be –
What you may do –
How you may skip, trip, dance along –
The path that lies before you.
All because, for whatever lifetime on this plane…
Still lies before me…
I KNOW, I can engage with the world about me,
And close my eyes and say, “Hey, Sue? Did you SEE THAT!??
Isn’t it wonderful?”
And I know and trust
the warm brush of air, containing the you who are you
Will wash over me in answer.
How do I know this?
Because, you have never laughed at me
Or called me a fool,
When I said to you –
“Sue – check this out….isn’t it wonderful/terrible/what it is?”
And yet, through all of my brain memories of you –
My inner-soul-me, will continue to tool around your country,
In your car, knowing a daring redhead is at the wheel.
And I am safe.
All while I hold on as we turn quickly into this stop or that –
A pub or a field
Your son’s house to clean and tend the garden
A walk with Ani
Dancing through bluebells
Or scrubbing floors
Pehaps throwing a slobber ball, one more time…
As we sit in the backyard at sunset, with a glass of wine….
I’m really sad I”ll not make it over to build a back yard wine cellar for you
And have fun ‘trying out the one month country wine brew’ recipe…
I’ve been testing out
With us doing daily taste testing to figure out if it is ‘bubbly soda’ or ‘smooth dinner wine’ yet
Or smelling it and, “Crap that turned into snatch ya bald Hooch – maybe use it to remove paint?”
And the giggles over each option come – whether we drank it or not…
The Last post or one more last post or telekinetic posts and comments back and forth?
I believe, for
While I grieve some losses, I also wish to bid you fond farewell until once more we meet.
For I must or did I leave it too late?
You’ll never be truly gone…
for whenever I gaze upon the beauty around me…
“Hey, Sue! Checking in to share this ‘magical’ moment with you…
I miss you ‘out there’, but in my heart?
You live forever.
Bon Voyage dearheart, whenever that said ship puts out to sea.
You and your perspective, live on in so many ways.
But I’m grateful the spirit of you, was shared with me.
(Hey Sue! Check that out! This ramble DOES rhyme here and there!)
❤ ❤ ❤